It's chocolate which tastes like christmas!
NOMNOM.

"Vinter" is swedish and means winter, lol. Huge difference.

I was christmas. Like.. now! NOW! Bah!

Umm.. Over and out.

O... M... G... I've had THE.. I won't say worst, but strangest day ever. Well, okay, there's no word to explain it. I'll just go through what happened during the day to explain it.

First of all; I woke up at 3.30. And it took me a while to go back to sleep. Geez!

Then, I had set my alarm 30 minutes earlier then usual to have time to curl my hair in the morning = i was up at 4.30 (Yep, I have to be up at 5 when school starts at 8) I randomly found my sister's old curling iron the other day and thought I'd try it so it was the first time I actually curled my hair properly, ever! And it looked so lush, I loved it!

Crappy photo, but the best one I got of the hair this morning.

Buuuut, when I went to the bus (it's an about 2km walk) it was raining and a bit windy and my hair got totally ruined. So, those 45 minutes I spent fixing my hair was totally in vain. Epic sigh. But oh well, at least I looked good for like an hour, haha.
Then I forgot my favourite scarf (I've used it almost every day during the winter the last 3 years now. I love it so much for some reason) at the bus stop so I spent like all day worrying that it wouldn't still be there when I got back home. It was though, so that was nothing really, I've got it back <3
Then after my second class I got back to my locker finding it without lock. WTF? So, apparently someone had broke into my locker. But it didnt look like anything was missing so I didn't care about it at all.
After that, I had a concert thingy. Or well, it was the singing test I do every term, meaning I sand in front of all our teachers and the rest of my class. And it went great :) Not perfect, but great.
Then I didn't have my last two classes so I left school at about 14.30. I went to the ATM to check how much money I had and realized that someone stole my Visa! So, they did actually steal something.. I have two credit cards for the same account at the moment though, so I just used the other one to check how much I had and noticed that someone bought stuff for £9 today, and it wasn't me. And there I kinda panicked for a bit.
Anyways, I went home. Sent a package of dreads I sold tradera (swedish ebay), ought some chocolate and found the scarf still laying at the bus stop.
Oh dear, this goes on forever... Umm, nearly done now.
When walking home an old lady randomly stopped her car and asked if I wanted a ride, and I wanted to get home faster to block my Visa so of course I said yes. Just when I got into the house though I realized that I lost my phone! Then and there I totally flipped and fell apart for a second.
But then (epic yayness) the lady who drove me returned and gave the phone to my mum, cuz apparently I dropped it in her phone. Then mum rang to block my Visa sooo now at least they can't use it any more. So, unless they used more then those £9 during the 2 hours from when I noticed to when mum blocked it then it's no big deal. If they used more then I might flip again. But for the moment I'm fine.

Ugh, that should be it. I had a long day. Right now I'm watching Buffy the vampire slayer (<3), feeling a bit ditched by Daniel who left to go on the xbox and looking forward to see the facebook and twitter update on the xbox :)

Oh dear, I'm crap at writing. Basically because this whole writing about my thoughts and emotions thing just doesn't feel attracting anymore. And lately I've thought, several times, that maybe I should get a new blog and start writing more "shallow" things. Life, opinions and thoughts but not the same deep way I have here. And I think I'm gonna give that a try. Not by getting a new blog though, but just by kinda changing the approach of this one and we'll see how that works.

So, less deep stuff, hopefully alot of more posts and I'm thinking more photos and pictures as well.
And I think I've mentioned this before but also you can find me on facebook (Josefin Selene Mason Crow) (longest name ever, ahaha) and on twitter (as shown in the sidebar) as AnEvilPancake.

And as for now;
Last saturday we had this day at collage when school was open for everyone (especually those who will apply for collage in february) and there were concerts and random stuff, so I was at school from 9.30 to 13 (doing absolutely nothing, it was son pointless for me to be there) and so I have no school today. All school is actually closed, since everyone were supposed to be there last saturday. Everyone weren't though, my brother and a friend included. And, well.. Gosh, I have nothing to do! What so ever! Literally all I usually do when I'm at home involves Daniel. I'm on the xbox talking to, playing with or videochatting with Daniel. Or I'm on the computer talking to or watching a film with Daniel. So well yeah, I can keep myself occupied but I'm all lonely without him. And right now I have no one to talk to either, everyone I usually talk to are at school. Except Victor who's having a theatre show, at a school. Lol.

But in lack of better things to do I shall now read for a bit. We have to read for Swedish class and I'm reading this really good book I saw as film about a month ago. It's a french book (but in swedish, obviously), original title "Ensamle, c'est tout", directly translated to english and also the swedish title "Together we're less alone", but the proper english title is "Hunting and gathering".

Random posing with the book :D "Tillsammans är man mindre ensam" by Anna Gavalda
The picture is from the film version of it, with Audrey Tautou as one of the main characters. Defeneatly worth watching!

Long way to explain the title of a book, haha.
It's great, however. About a couple of unsocial, one way or another not very happy people who meet and how their lives entwine. Nothing I'd usually read, I'm more of a fantasy and scifi person, but I love it.
So, now; on to the reading :)

I ended up going home 2 hours earlier today cuz I was feeling literally shit. And I still am feeling kinda bad. Or well, I've got a headache, and it's not that bad at the moment. But just 30 minutes ago it was reallyreally bad. Oh idunno, I'm just rambling.
As I said earlier, me + school = *thumbs down* at the moment, and it's really REALLY bad. Because doing bad at school makes me feel worse. I'm feeling pretty good about school at the moment though, since I had a history test yesterday and I did like 3 times as good as I thought I would (honestly, it wouldn't have surprised me if I didn't even pass it) But I've got an english test tomorrow, and I do need to revise a bit..
But, as usual, I can't be bothered to! I think I'll go through the words after I finish writing this though, but I won't be bothered with the grammar. I never learn anything by trying to remember grammar rules anyways, it's just easiest to learn what sounds the best. And well, honestly, I've always done bad-ish (~C-B's) on grammar tests in english but still there's been no doubts that I'll get an A as final grade for the course. And, also, this is just one test. I'll have like 3 more before this course is over. (I'm doing English B now, did English A last year. Honestly though, there isn't much of a difference) But still, I better do some revising before the night's over.

I was just about to write that I'm talking to Daniel on the xbox at the moment, buuut that's not true anymore so I won't. Lol. He's watching Shaun of the Dead and didn't really hear even half of what I was saying anyways.
And my mum told me earler that I have to clean my bedroom before the week is over. Ugh. I don't think I've cleaned my room for like 2 months. = EPIC mess. I promise, it'll take all day.

I'm not sure why I'm writing at all? I've got nothing to say. And I need to revise. Like.. now.

O dear, I keep thinking that I'm gonna keep writing but I never do. Exept every once in a while. But right now I'm actually concidering to start writing properly again. Maybe not 5 posts per day as I used to, but maybe one. It feels like I've said this before though? Idunno. But don't give up the hope on me! haha.
And.. well.. It's over a month since I did my last update. So maybe I should just start by making another one? Cuz quite some things have changed.

I suppose I could basically start off where I ended last time. About going to Darlington. 
To start with, I'm going out with Daniel now. And have since.. I think the day I wrote that last post, lol! Or well, two days before that I told him I like him and later that day we said that we were actually going out. It wasn't planned at all to be honest. I did know I liked him, and I had for a while, but I kept thinking I shouldn't get into a relationship so soon after breaking up with Victor, and I kept thinking I shouldn't go out with him before I met him. But those thoughts fucked up, haha. And I don't regret it, at all. He's great and I love him and I can't wait to see him. I've got all the tickets already and I'm going on the 20th of december, going back home on the 6th of january. So I'll be away almost all holiday.
I don't think you're interested in a long story about how much I love him and how great he is and such, so let's leave it with this, for now (muaha).

Apart from the awesomeness and happiness I get from the above, things have been pretty bad lately. I always get depressed at about this time of the year, but this year is just extreme. I can't take a single bad thing without falling apart completely and I'm SO not bothered with school at the moment. I usually get all A's and B's on tests, but on the 4 tests I've had this far I got 2 D's, a C and a B. And honestly, I don't care that much. I just can't be bothered. Which is a reeeeally bad thing. Hopefully I'll get some enegery to do better these last 7 weeks of school since I've got a week off next week, woop.

Oh and well, Victor's still my best friend, we're always together at school. It's a bit hard sometimes though. I can't mention Daniel around Victor without him going all sad face. Which is a bit hard, because most things I do involve either Victor or Daniel. But oh well, we're getting there.. I hope. Because that sensitivity is the reason for most of the fights we have. And we still fight, like.. idunno, about once/week i think. But yes, it'll be fine.

And now I really just CAN'T write more on this computer. Gah, I hate school computers. It keeps freezing, and then I have to wait to type more. Bah.
I've got some crisps in my locker, let's go nomnom them. And then I've got piano lesson in 20 minutes. And I forgot my notes at home. And I haven't done my homework. Oh well.
Hopefully I'll cya guys tonight.

So, I decided to finally write! How long is it since I said I would? a week or two? However I've got over an hour break at school so I thought why not go here and update things for you guys out there. Don't expect me to write and/or explain exactly everything though, it's been too long for that.

But well, to start with.. I broke up with Victor. About a month ago.
Why?
I realized our relationship wasn't good for me. After a long chat with my mum I realized that I was pretty much only in that relationship for his sake. He needed me, but I didn't need him at all. My friends usually made me happier then he did. Horrible, but true. The entire summer holiday was just kinda shit. We spent the first 2-3 weeks or so just fighting. All the time. We ended up having huge arguments through texts (!!!) at lest once/day and we both thought it would end any second. But it didn't. The fights calmed down but it still wasn't that good. It was okay, but far from what it once was.
During this talk with my mum she ended up saying alot of things she was thinking about my relationsip with Victor. And to be honest, she just confirmed things I'd been thinking. The fact that, as I said, I was in it for him. Because he needed me, because I like making people happy and dislike hurting them. She said that she didn't understand what way he complemented me, and she was right. Victor made me happy, every now and then, but he didn't complement me a good way. The way he is didn't make my life better.
That, together with the fact that I was starting to like Andy again (and he confirmed the fact that he still liked me) made me leave him. Or well.. I wasn't actually planning to leave him when I did. I wa gonna wait, wait and see how things would be when we went back to school. But during a fight he kinda provoked me into doing it. So I did. And I stayed with my decision.
- until we went back to school. It was so awkward seeing him again.. It was so awkward hugging, talking, hanging around each other without being together, without kissing or anything. And i could see it in his eyes how hard it was, how he longed for me, how he wanted me back. So I ended up kissing him already on the first day. I couldn't help it, I didn't want to stay away from him. After that I was quite annoyed with myself. But the next day I ended up kissing him again.. And we talked 4 a bit and I told him that fine, we can try to do this again. We'll start from the beginning, take it really slowly. Only be together at school, not overuse the phrase "I love you", no sleepovers, blabla. And that lasted for.. about a week, before I started to doubt again. I realized that the only reason I took him back was to be able to be close to him, but mainly because it was the easy way out. It solved all the complications with keeping apart but being friends.
So - I talked to him, explained it all and broke up with him again. This was two weeks and a day ago.
And things have been pretty awkward since. Good, but a bit awkward. He's mu best friend, so we're always together at school, and we're "snuggle buddies". With other words; we kinda cuddle and hug and stuff, quite alot, but nothing more. Or ok, we had sex.. twice.. But I'll try to avoid that happening again. So.. well.. I think it's still hard for him, he's missing me, he still loves me and he needs time. But for me it's just fine. I haven't actually been in love with him for a while, and I know that. I like him, I do, but I don't love him that way, not like I used to. And I made the right decision and it's gonna be just fine.

And well, apart from the whole Victor thing.. School's back, and it's great. I had to move back home since Crow didn't wanna stay at the flat anymore so I have really long days now. I wake up at 5 or 6 and I'm home at 5 or 6, every day. It's making me exhausted, but I'm not that bothered. I quite enjoy living at home again.
Oh and I said that I started to like Andy again.. Well.. Nothing's gonna happen with that. I realized it was an epicly stupid idea to bring that back up, so I don't really think about it anymore. I like him, I do, but nah. It's not worth the risk of screwing things up again. And he doesn't seem to want some kind of serious relationship either.
And I'm going to England, Darlington over christmas and new year To see this guy I've known for over a year, Daniel, and started talking to alot the last 2 months. And well I know 2 more guys who live there there, Steven and Joe. And then Ed and Johnny which I've talked to but doesn't really know that well. So it's gonna be great Mum hates the fact that I won't be home on christmas, and it do feel quite weird thinking about it, but it's either then or next summer. So.. well.. Yeah, that's basically what's been and what is going on.
Have you missed me? xx

I just signed in here to go through my loads of unread messages and to see if there was anything of any interest, and manged to stumble upon Victor's profile. I never went onto his blog or anything, just his profile. And.. wow. Things change. It's unbelievable how much and how easily things change.
I'm nearly crying here, and I suppose none of you understands a shit of what I'm on about. And i might tell you, I might write later, or tomorrow, in a week or a month. I'm not sure. But things have changed. Everything's changed. Nothing is the same and it never will be.

Oh my god, change scares me so much.

I'm actually back from Victor's now, but I really don't feel like writing (although I must admit just opening this window kinda inspired me a bit) so you'll have to survive with like nothing for a bit longer. I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what's I should and shouldn't say, I don't know what's of interest for me and you to write/read or not.
But things are getting better. These days i spent with Victor was kinda amazing. I love him, and I just hope being away from each other will keep ruining stuff. So no need to worry about that, we're fine at the moment.

It's boiling hot here, all exept me, my mum and Karro are at a konfirmation. Mum and I are going into town to buy some random stuff later, blabla.

And I guess the ost important thing going on, which I haven't actually mentioned to anyone exepd Adam cuz I started rambling about it is that I've gotten alot more into the thought of moving to England again. Idunno if any of you actually realized it, but I pretty much gave that thought up for quite a while. For like half a year, I guess. I just stopped talking about it, didn't feel like it was neccesary really. But I've started to miss it again. I even looked things up! So now I know I'll have to migrate to England and live there for at least 5 years and then, if i still wanna be there, I can apply to become a citizen.
Oh nevermind the above, idunno. Two years left, we'll see..

And hey, anyone wanna come clean up my room? It's messy like hell, and I had to move everything around to make the network cable reach my xbox. I got fed up with the crappy wireless connection and my stepdad haven't fixed a hole through the wall yet.

Last night was intense, probably among the most instense ~2 hours of my life took place last night. For two different reasons.. I was texting with Victor all night, and I can't remember how and I'm not gonna check it by reading through the texts we sent but we got into this really serious discussion, through texts. (Note to self; not a good idea) And... Well tbh I think I've repressed most of yesterday and what happened. There's actually just one thing I can remember clearly; the fact that I was about to flip, several times. The fact that I think both Victor and I realized that the only thing at this moment which can actually break us apart is his worries. Or well no, I shouldn't say his because it could just as well be mine as well, but yesterday it was all about his and I've already done that mistake once and know not to do it again. I believe I've gone through this at least once before but I'll say it again; Those friends I've lost, the horrible times I've been mentioning several times.. That all happened because I was worrying, because I was afraid to loose them. What ruined everything was my desperate tries to gain their attention and struggle to keep them with me. And I didn't realize what I was doing, I didn't realize they cared from the start but then slowly got very fed up with me and my stupid actions. I didn't even realize they were trying to make me stop, I didn't hear them when they told me they were still there for me, still loved me. And so everything screwed up completely.

And I think that's pretty much what was happening yesterday. Victor kept asking me qustions, kept trying to get the confirmation that I love him and won't leave him. And I believe quoting parts from the conversation I had with Adam while doing this would be the best way for me to explain right now, because.. I've serously supressed most of it. You'll have to live with the random fonts and colors, I can't be bothered to re-type it all.

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: im like omg i think victor was just intending that maybe we should break up 

Adam: D= OMFG why? sweetie are you okay ?

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: idunno.. we've been texting for a while and we got to him asking me what he think is bad with our relationship and then he said "what do you think we have to do then?" and yer im ok.. i think..

Adam: nawww hugggggxxxx

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: right now im mostly just annoyed that he keeps asking me these loads of questions of what we should do and blabla but he's not saying anything himself.. and yay hugs xxxxx

Adam:  everything will be good :)

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: i told him to stop asking me questions and say something himself and his answer is he dunno he just wants to be in a relationship where he feels safe D: *a bit later* i told victor i wanted to go to bed and not talk about this more now but he just said "please, cant we do this now.." and im like about to flip or something, idunno im like wtf..

Adam: a bit stubborn isnt he

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?:  he asked me earlier if i want it to end between us, and i was like wtf no just get that into your tiny brain. and his answer was "good, me neither" and i flipped even more, asking wtf he's trying to achieve, and his answer was that he just wants to know things wont end tonight. im.. im.. idunno, wtf is he doing? ._. im seriously afraid that victor worrying about us breaking up is the only thing that could actually break us up right now. im like fuckfuckfuckfuck. I dont want this shit and the worst thing is ive screwed things up the same way he's doing right now, so i can just watch him doing it all.. sorry, im not feelign very well at the moment >_<

 Adam: nawwww just tell him that dnt want to break up and nothing is going to happen between you too

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: i am.. im trying to make him understand but idunno wtf he's doing

And after that he seemed to have understood that I love him and I'm not leaving him and shit. And as I guess you could tell I flipped several times and blabla.. I was feeling horribly bad because several things were nagging me at the same time. And I'm like.. bah, idunno anymore. The whole thing with this convo with V was about the fact that we, especually him, feels really bad when we're apart, starts thinking of all the bad things and believes our relationship is pure crap. I do that sometimes as well, but it's not as bad. As you know, I enjoy my weekends and I need them, cuz it's the time when I get to be on my own, spend time with friends, play on the xbox.. be just me and not having to worry about someone else. I feel like such a horrible girlfriend for this. Getting annoyed with Victor when he was feeling bad yesterday, needing to e away from him... oh idunno. My head's fucked up, this'll do it for now...

I think I'm getting a cold or something.. I keep sneezing and shit. That's kinda typical huh? Getting ill when the holidays start. Although I seldom get seriously ill so I'm not that worried, but anyways.

So, yesterday was horrible. I think I was up till about 2:30, fell asleep about an hour later and I was feeling like shit from about 1 till I fell asleep (the reason I know that i because everyone left the xbox at 1 lol) And.. oh Idunno. I don't think I'll ever properly figure out wtf is going on, but whatever it is it's making me feel like hell. I start to think about every singe bad thing, every single potential bad thing, feels horribly bad and nearly starts to cry... I think I've lost the ability to cry? At least at those kind of moments. Maybe that's just because I don't properly know why I feel like that.. Or well, I know the reason for it. And it's obviously because I'm away from Victor, but not being with him isn't one of the main things I feel bad about.
Blargh.
Oh and I actually talked a little to Andy yesterday.. Very little, but still. For a few minutes there he was acting as usual to me. But at the beginning of that conversation..
He had joined my party on xbox live earlier and seemed sooooo damn depressed I was getting seriously worried. So when I signed in on msn having the PM "I'm sorry I'm quiet, life is well confusing at the moment" and earlier that day it was "Life is well good" so I asked him if anything's wrong and blabla. He said yes, something's wrong. So i asked if he wanted to talk about it, and his answer was "no I'm already talking to Zoe about it."
I nearly fell apart there. Or no, but it hurt a bit. Zoe's one of his new friends, and also a friend of his girlfriend. And I was like.. Idunno how to explain it? But I think you can understand at least a little what I'm trying to say. it hurt, and it made me realize how we're not even snearly as close as before.

Nevermind that. Xbox live is down today so I'm probably gonna die of boredome or something. Or I might do some Call of Duty: World at war campaign. Or watch TV? Or whatever. I'm not sure. I'm gonna do some excercising, but I'll do that as soon as I finnish writing this. I've decided to do that like no later then 2 hours after I wake up, so I won't risk that I end up not doing it.
I should do that now, cuz I so don't feel like it.

Xbox live's down, Victor's not here, Adam won't be on the next 5 hours. I'm gonna die (lol).

 This song is just.. amazing! I've been overdosing it these last couple of days. I'm so stuck in the quote "You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there."

You don't seem to be allowed to sleep too late in this house anymore, haha. All family used to be night people, waking up at like 11 in weekends/holidays. But when I woke up at about 12:15 today and went downstairs first my sister said "goodmorning. You do know it's past 12, right?" or something like that. Then 5 seconds later I met Patric who said "good day" and I was like *sigh*
I haven't had any breakfast and isn't planning to either and I'm thinking I might take 15 minutes or something on the crosstrainer.

Just a second ago I randomly get like some kind of deja vu feeling, a flashback of some kind to the dream I had last night. I didn't think of it at all when I woke up, cuz there was so much going on in it... But at one part of the dream I was with Victor, and I kept walking away from him, crying and stuff.. It was like the way we were together was the bad things we have only... Me getting annoyed and upset with all kind of random things, that is... Fuck I feel so bad about that now. Although I know that's not how we are. Those things happen once in a while, but not that often.. At least I don't think so? My god is everything about to screw up or what is this...

Fuck I'll just do some workout now, I need something else to think about. Being away from him is what makes me think like that.

Being away from Victor is seriously not good for me..
I enjoy the time alone, I do. I enjoy the fact that I get the chance to do what I usually do, mess around with friends on the xbox, be on the computer talking to people all day and night, do some sewing and some excercising every once in a while. I need that, and I like having that for a weekend every once in a while. But it also always turns out to be the times I feel the worst. I know how to handle it, and most weekends I spend a couple of hours every night down at the TV with the rest of the family and that way I won't feel bad, but the last couple of days (especually today) I haven't, I've barely been around people at all today. And that's starting to show now.
As it gets darker outside, I get more tired, my music goes more and more depressin and so does my mood. And to be honest, most of the times I'm not even sure why. It's like me + loneliness = thinking and feeling bad, even if things are generally pretty good. The worst things right now is the fact that I miss Victor like hell and the fact that this new "darling"-relationship with Adam is part making me big confused somehow, and also making me sentimental. Although it's also making me feel really happy, cuz  the friendship I had with Darling and seems to be evolving with Adam is the best kind I've ever had.

Bah. Idunno wtf's going on and i try to put as little effort into it as possible.
Today was ok, really really slow though.. I've spent at least 5 hours being all überly bored. Blablabla. I can't be bothered to talk anymore right now, and I'm hungry so I'm gonna go down and get something to eat..

xxxx

A very important note to self; Don't stay up till 4AM and then get waked up at 10. I've got a headache, I'm tired and I generally doesn't feel very good. But hey, I had a good time yesterday.
               - How much didn't I make it sound like I was up all night, partying or something there? haha. No. I wasn't..
In fact I was just on msn, talking to Adam all night. More or less. From about 11.30 to 4 when we left. I'm this way that in weekends/holidays, when I'm at the computer, I don't leave until I have nothing left to do. So, if I have someone to talk to I stay until they leave or we stop talking. And Adam didn't seem to plan leaving before me either, but eventually he was the one who decided to go. (lol, I win.) Annnnd well yeah, we just randomly had a fun time. We usually do when we talk, we pretty much always do,  but anyways.

So it's Karro's 15th birthday today so we've got the entire family here already (mum, Patric, Crow, Karro, Me, Patric's two sons) including her boyfriend, we've got Patric's dad coming over and we've got mu mum's dad coming over. So there's gonna be quite a lot of people here I was about to say, but then I realized 2 more then before doesn't make it that much more a lot then before. Geez, we've got a big family. If all family is here, in my opinion, we're 9. (The ones I counted above, Karro's boyfriend and Victor)
So, however they'll be here at about 1-1:30. And I think I'll play some Halo Wars till then or something.

Sorry about the poor updates btw. I get my sentimental moments and other moments where I'd usually write here, but I just haven't felt like it. I guess I've just got off track rarely writing for two weeks. I'll try to get back into it or something.
I'm off n00bing now.

I seem to have gotten alot closer to Adam aka Honey lately, and earlier today I realized that he's the "new Darling". Not meaning he's replaced Andy, but meaning that at the moment we seem to be as close as Darling and I used to be. Then, just.. an hour and a half ago or something, Adam asked me to go on the xbox and play halo with him, so I did, and I also ended up playing with and talking to Darling. And as all of us were tired since it's getting late and everything it ended up with me and Darling going hyper and stuff, and it just very much reminded me of what we used to be like. He used to be the closest friend I'd ever had. Then he randomly started talking about someone named Emma, and then and there I realized what's happened. Everything cleared up. I asked him "who's Emma?" and his first answer was "don't you know?" and then I reaized. The thing is, Andy's been acting.. different lately. And he seems to be starting to be with friends more and blabla. (He even said today that he's concidering selling his xbox cuz it's taking up too much of his life) And the simple answer was the fact that he's got a girlfriend. At first I just "meh:ed" at it. Then I realized I didn't feel what I thought I would. Then it all cleared up. And.. Yer.. He's changed a bit, and we've drifted apart like hell. But I guess that all happens easily when you don't actually see each other. I've got another friend, nickname Kuwde, who I'm really good friend with at some points and talk to alot but then we don't talk for like 6 months, and it's been like that for.. I'd guess 4 years now.

However, the main points of my rambling is 1: the fact that I didn't even know Andy had a girlfriend, and I didn't find out till it slipped out. I won't deny the fact that it hurts a tiny bit, that I didn't find out. and 2: is something completely different, but anyways. It was me, Andy and Adam playing. Andy and I were all hyper and rambling and stuff, Adam was more or less quiet and didn't seem quite as amused as me and Andy. And.. Bah, i don't even know where I'm going. I'm emotionally unstable at the moment and dunno wtf's going on with anything. However, I was worried something was wrong and Adam's connection was horrible so he kept getting lagged out and eventually he left and wrote to me on msn saying  this; im going to go now sweetie, sorry major tiredness, plus i dont really feel very well =( ly sweetie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx *hug*

It just made me feel uncomfortable somehow, and I'm afraid something's wrong and blabla. See what I was on about? Adam's the new Daring, equal I'm gonna worry about everything. Nah but... I know I haven't said much about it, since I haven't been writing much the last days, but we've been talking alot and just gotten very much closer and I just love it. He's a great guy. I dunno what more to say. It's past 2 in the morning, and it might be summer hoidays now but I should be asleep. And friends feeling bad + unexpected news + being away from Victor fucks up my emotions and my mind. My mood's so weird right now. Oh and 3: Note the fact that I'm saying Andy, not Darling. And I didn't even realize I did till I read it through...

Night/Morning people, I'll give you a more proper post tomorrow      xx

I had such a horrible dream last night. And. I don't even know if I should be writing about it? If should even be thinking about it? But I am, sometimes. Not as much as I expected to though. But well.. I dreamt that I met Zeth and Maria. Old friends, rememer? I met Zeth at fist and in this dream he didn't seem to be that bothered about seeing me. We talked and stuff, it as a bit tense but nothing too bad. Then Maria came and she was like "get out of her..", just wanted to leav and stuff and.. Idunno, it was fuzzy, it was a dream and I've forgotten most of it. But I remember she wanted them to leave and just dragged Zeth away. Zeth looking back at me with eyes saying "sorry..." I was screaming, telling them to stop. Crying. Being horribly frustrated, angry, sad, everything at once.. Then I graduately started to wake up, realizing I was actually crying.
I woke up, managed to stop the crying, tried to calm down, gather myself and.. Then the next thing I remember is dreaming again, this time it was some kind of Saw-dream, and I was in it. And then I was just waking up and falling asleep, waking up and falling asleep.. All morning, from like 8 to 12, constantly having different horrible dreams, constantly being on the edge of panicking.

I... idunno.. It's been nearly 2 years. How long does it take to actually forget? Do you ever actually forget?
To be honest, I'm a bit scared. Not because of the dream, not becauseof this, but just.. everything. Everything scares me. Nothing seems certain, nothing seems completely safe and wherever I go there seem to be an ulterior motive. I'm just.. insecure?
I honestly think I'm having PMS. I need chocolate.

Hello moto   xxx

Sorry about not writing for.. 5 days? Omg. But I haven't spent that much time on the computer, and Victor's internet hates me and won't always connect without a wire and I just can't be bothered.
To start with I had that instrument "test" thingy today. From my point of view it went great, or well my parts did. We started withg the duet I had with Agnes which worked good for me, less good for her. I think se was reeeeeeally nervous and stuff so it didn't go too well. Once we finnished the duet I had my song, worked pretty good there too (although it's kinda boring to see how people was all like *sigh* *snore* since I was singing an aria from an Opera and things are bad people and don't like that. Gah.) Then Agnes was sopposed to sing her own song after me but apparently she had left so she didn't.. But anyways, it was good. And it was fun. Starting with the duet also made me feel so much more relaxed so the opera one (Voi che sapete, from Mozart's The marriage of Figaro btw) probably went alot better then it would've if I'd have started with it.

The last couple of days, or well the last week, have passed by so fucking quickly it's unbelievable. I've only got 4 more days to "live" here and I'm all ohno.. I don't really wanna go home, even though yet I do. But you know what I'm like, I need the privacy and I enjoy being at home with my family, but yet I hate beign away from Victor.
This last week have been the most pointless one ever when it comes to schoolwork and stuff. I had the test today, that was it. Victor's at school having a maths test at the moment, that's all he's got today. We have no school at all tomorrow, on wednesday we only have these grade-talk-thingys where we find out what our grades are and.. yer. Last week was about the same. I really hate the last weeks before summer, they're sooooo pointless. But oh well.
I was at the graduaters'... graduation( lol?) last friday, singing with the choir in church, and.. well.. omg. I never wanna graduate lol. People were screaming like hell, constantly. Lots of people were drunk already and blabla.  I'm like wtf. Victor and I passed them when they were doing.. something.. the other day as well, it was about 5 o'clock in the afternoon and more or less everyone were drunk as well already. I'm like come on -.-
And apart from the non existant, pointess school this last week there's been alot of n00bing on Halo 3, playing with friends and stuff. And we made this new version of a maze map, it's well cool. We tried to try it out with some friends yesterday, but the wireless network to the xbox was messing with us so we couldn't.

So, we end school on friday and then I'm going back to the house. My sister's birthday is on sunday and then on.. saturday, I think, we've got loads of people coming over.
And well, omg, it's summer! And summer holidays! And I can't fucking believe I've already finnished a third of my time at collage.. Omg..

No, I think Victor better get his arse back here now. I miss him, and I want someone to kiss.

Sorry I haven't written in a while. But I'm living at Victor's now, remember?

I just got back from having singing lesson (surprise). We've got one of these instrument "tests" coming up next monday and I'm gonna sing these two songs, a duet with a girl named Agnes of the song "Tell him" by.. Barara Streisand and Celine Dion I think? And a song I can't remember the name of, from one of Mozart's operas. It's gonna be really fun. Especually the duet. Today was only the second time we practiced it together, but it went really well and we decided to make it all musical-ish, you know with like extreme over acting, extreme facial expressions adn extreme movements. Kinda. Lol. I love it, I love that idea. I don't think Agnes is too fond of it though? She seems to find it hard to express herself while singing. From what I've heard she usually just looks angry while singing. And in the end of the song we're sopposed to like take each other's hands and look into look each other in the eyes and stuff, and she nearly starts laughing every time. But meh, it still went well. I'm the one who'se sopposed to do most of the acting anyways lol. But however, it's gonna be great.

However I've got a long break, waiting for Victor's theatre lesson to end as usual. About 30 minutes left to wait. Blargh. I think I'll leave the computer when I finnish writing this and go read or something.
Well however these last two days haven't been that exciting. Monday I only had one lesson, yesterday I had two. Maths, where I found out I got a B in maths. I guess I should be a bit disappointed since I could've gotten an A if I would've been bothered to care, but I'm not. I'm ok with a B, that's what I've always had anyways. Then I had this term's last music theory lesson, where we were sitting outside, eating cookies and drumming.. Lol. That's how pointless yesterday was. Then the afternoon was a bit.. weird. Some things happened at Victor's and he was feeling really bad and stuff, but that's none of my business to talk about.
Then he had theatre, so I had to be alone at his place for like 2½ hours which I spend eating cheeseballs and watching Stylista. I finnished watching the show (I don't think there's more then once season anyways?) and made up my mind that it's a crappy show. And that's pretty much all.. Nothing special's happening today either. We've got swedish class, english class and history class coming up. Dunno what we're gonna do on those, probably gonna be pretty boring. Ends at 4, will probably go home and play Halo or something Victor's stepdad banned him from the TV yesterday for no reason at all so we never got to play any after school We didn't start till 2 so we played first Halo 2 campaign and then halo 3 online like all morning and it was really fun. I've missed playing on the xbox. So well, yay about having my xbox in my room now! I'm probably gonna play alot during the holiday. I'm gonna start looting all of Crow's and Victors' games C:

Wow, I didn't think I would have anything to say but I seem to have managed to ramble quite a long post here.
However, I'll talk to you whenever I have time to the next time xxxx
Loves you all

To wake up in the house, on a monday, then going to school feels soooo fucked up. My head isn't used to this and it feels totally wrong..  And also, these last two days have felt alot like summer holidays. With the hot weather and going to the lake. My first thought when my alarm went off 30 minutes ago was "wait.. wtf?" and then I realized what was happening. My whole body was hurting and I was hot like hell and stuff so I didn't feel too well, but I still forced myself to go downstairs and have something to eat. A couple of marshmallows and a sandwich, lol. And now I'm feeling a bit ill. Argh.

My bus leaves at 8:25 so Crow and I should be leaving at about 8, since we've got 2 kilometres to walk to get to the bus. There are some bad parts about living in the middle of nowehere .__. I've got one lesson from 10 to 11:30 (ensamble ) and then no moar today. Yay.

Anyways, I gotta get dressed and stuff.. Although I've got nearly half an hour left till 8. Buuut anyways.
xxx

Lookiiie, I've got a TV and my xbox in my room now And an armchair in the middle of the room = my hug room is suddenly stuffed O_o I have to come up with another way to arrenge that..

We, my family, went to a tiny beach by a lake 10 minutes away from here about 30 minutes after breakfast. The water was freeezing (pretty much) and I just walked far enough to make my legs wet, then I returned to dry land and the hot sun. My mum, brother and both stepbrothers properly bathed though. Crazy people..
Being out in the sun for.. Idunno.. 1½ hours maybe? however made me exhausted. And i still am! Even after taking a shower and doing nothing for a couple of hours. Although, right now I'm even more exhausted since I just got back from a 30 minute walk. And goddamnit it's hot outside..

Great, I just did this random test thingy on facebook, "what's your ideal weight", where I just typed in my length and it told me my ideal weight... The answer was more then 10 kiloes less then I weigh. Yeeeeah, that's just brilliant, isn't it.. I feel fat right now.

Sorry about the poor (non existant) update yesterday, I just never really felt like writing..
Yesterday was a bit screwed up somehow. Or well.. it was just.. different. Patric picked me up at about.. Idunno.. 12? And that was all weird.. Or.. idunno.. Victor was all über "don't go.. please stay with me..." and he's not usually like that. I find it a bit sweet, but at the same time it made it harder for me to leave. However, Patric picked me up and we went to the flat where mum and Crow already were and blabla. I think we were home at about 2:30 or something and at that time I was all exhausted, no idea why but I was. So after being bored at the computer for like 30 minutes and sewing for like 15 minutes I went to have a nap and slept till 4 when we had dinner. And after the dinner I joined mum and Patric for a walk. We walked 6 kilometres this time, and were away for like 1½ hours. It felt really good. Although, my body didn't seem to feel anything after the walk, but now it does. But it's my back and the back of my neck that hurts, so I think that might just be cuz I've slept in a bad position or something? Meh, idunno.
However I was talking to Victor just before I went to sleep, and he rambled on about all the things he had done since I left and then commented that "omg.. It feels like we've been apart fo three days or something." And when i said that I realized it was true. Although I hadn't done much more then walked and watched TV all day I agreed with him. It was a bit fraeaky.

So, well, today... Haven't got anything planned really. I should take a shower, I'll probably go for a walk, some more sewing (although I don't feel that much like sewing at the moment.. Ohnoez :\).. Blabla. Since I don't start school before 10 tomorrow and Victor's not even at home I ain't going back to town till tomorrow morning. I think the bus leaves at 8:20 or something. Then I have that class from 10 to 11:30, and that's all I've got that entire day I believe.. Unless I have photography lesson? But I don't know why I would have that, since I've finnished everything and even found out my grade! But I'll ask someone tomorrow to be sure. And thennnn... 2 constant weeks with Victor! Yayyy.

just as a finnishing note; It's summer outside! And I'm all like.. yay! At the same time as I hate it, cuz I always feel bed when it's too hot outside. but yay!
Anyways, mum just called me down for breakfast. Gotta go.   xx