Ok, right now feels a bit.. Awkward.. Cheggs just literally askewd me out. "if u and vic break up, will u go out with me?" he said. And I was all like ookay.. what to answer, what to answer? Because I really don't want to hurt him more then I've already managed to do. So I just rambled something about me staying away from long distance relationships and that I'm not really planning on me and Victor breaking up so I'm not gonna concider it. And then Cheggs said "just don't break up with him just so u can go out with me, ok?" and.. ok.. I dunno wtf he got that from? it seems like Cheggs thinks I actually do fancy him but.. Awrgh.. I don't like this. I wanna do all I can to avoid hurting Cheggs but at this moment.. it's quite hard.

I borrowed Crow's xbox headset and got to actually talk to Ross today as well. And we were in the Halo 3 pre-game-lobby for like 20 minutes just talking. He asked me what actually happened between me and Andy. Why I broke up, blabla. We've talked about it several times before, but this was the first time I actually got the change to explain it probperly. Cuz we were talking and we were alone as well. And then we talked a bit about this whole thing with him and his ex, all I knew is she met someone else and left him and now he explained it more properly to me. It was kind of the same thing that happened with me and Andy as with Ross and his girflriend, which i find a bit freaky.
Then i asked Ross to show me his tattoos (he's got 5 of them D and now I'm all.. omg.. Cuz I so wanna get a proper tattoo. And he's got one on his.. dunno which arm, like a tribal dragon, which is the one I liked the most.. And he's designed it himself! And I hate him for that, haha. And he's also got this tribal-ish tattoo on the upper part of his back  which I love as well.
And then I think I shouldn't mention everything he's said. I think Ross is actually falling in love with me as well. Or he's just very horny on.. me.. (lol) erm whatever. Idunno what I'm on about anymore rly.

Just a couple of hours left till I'll gee Victor again. Happiness. 2 hours till I'll leave for the bus. And hopefully dinner in like an hour.. I'm getting hungry.

And just.. I realized how random the titles for my posts are. I usually just pick a quote from a song I'm listening to atm moment or such. And usually.. Those quotes doens't fit the text at all. Buuut however. Random comment.

I had yet another nightmare tonight.. or well, maybe not nightmare, but.. unpleasant dream. And there was two of them as well. I woke up from one of them, fell asleep again and had another one..

The first one was.. Not actually frightening or something like that, it was just really unpleasant. I can't remember very much of what was actually happening.. But I remember that I was smoking. And I'm as inti-smoking as can get. Kind of. I hate it, I can  hardly even stand being next to someone smoking sometimes. However.. I was smoking. And I enjoyed it. And in the middle of everything I realized how anti-smoking Victor is as well and I was all like "I have to stop, and he can never find out about this.." That was abot it. But the thing was.. When I woke up, I still felt the same way as when I was dreaming. My mind still thought I had been smoking and that I liked it. I even had the taste I had in the dream left in my thoughts and could stil feel it - and liked it. And I was still a bit panicked over Victor, and my parents as well. It was all just very freaky.. For a while there I thought I had actually started smoking. Which is something I've promised not only myself but a friend as well that I'll never, ever do.

The second one was a bit more.. Odd. It was like a mixture of two dreams I've had before. And also, throughout all the dream it was like I followed two versions of it at the same time. One where I was quite sure I was gonna die in the end and one where I.. err.. hoped not to. This dream was all about that I had a ring of some kind that made it possible for me to fly and there were all these people trying to kill me because of this and I spent all dream being chased, trying to escape, finding a place where I could go without them figuring out. And I'd seen this place where I was before, in another dream. And I've dreamt about this flying thingy before as well and.. Well.. That dreams wajust quite weird. And a bit creepy as well, sence I was being chased and had to run for my life, constantly..

I'm gonna get dressed now and then go play some Halo 3 with Ross, and in about 6 hours I'm off to get back to the flat.

A couple of days ago I noticed that Victor's birthday is only 2 days after John's birthday. When I noticed that, I started thinking about this whole thing with zodiacs and stuff and I realized the fact that Victor and John are similar in some ways. Which kinda freaked me out. Both because that's kind of a sign that this thing with zodiacs is actually some kind of science and also because that means there's this kind of personality that attracts me. Apparently. And thinking about this I also realized that Victor is quite similar to Zeth in some ways. I dunno if I ever mentioned Zeth but well he's my ex, and the person who I've had my longest relationship with and blabla. And this all kind of freaked me out, lol.

However.. I'm quite bored at the moment. I would prefer to go to bed, sleep so that it'll be tomorrow faster so I can see Victor again.. but I'm not tired, so if I go to bed I'll just end up laying there, staring at the ceiling and.. not sleeping. So I looked up some zodiac thingy about my sign, libra, and compared it with me. Aka, I checked how much of the typical libra that fits in on me.
Diplomatic, charming, social and easy going, elegant/graceful, artistic, gentle, sensetive with others, clear minded and logical, kind, cheerful, romantic and flirty but however loyal in marriage was some parts I find suiting me.
- I am actually quite intelligent, when I'm in a good mood I talk to everything and everyone and is very cheerful, I care (way too much) about others, I'm artistic and creative like hell and I do have a overly flirty way of acting.
Cooperative, balanced and changeable was the few things I don't agree on.
- I actually don't like cooperating. or well, it depends. When it comes to music I don't mind it, but otherwise I perfer working on my own. I'm not balanced, not at all, my mind is a complete mess. And I'm not changeable. I'm the one I am and I would never change myself unless I wanted it myself.
So.. I guess.. At least in my case, this is kind of.. true. it's quite fascinating really. I've always believed in it, but I never actually took a close look at it like this before.
Ah well. it's 11 here now and.. I'm actually getting a little tired. I think I'll go clean a little in my room to make myself tired and then go to sleep. Byebye for now.

Things doesn't seem to even be possible to be easy for me. Whatever it's about, every thing that actually means something turns out more or less complicated, one way or another. I'm aware of the fact that it's sometimes because of me, because I'm real good at turning things into something alot bigger then it actually is.. But it's not akways because of me. Right now it isn't.
Getting over Andy, to stop being pissed with him.. it worked kinda well. I more or less don't give a damn about him anymore.´. he's an idiot, and I know it. But.. I talk more to Ross now then I used to. And I did after all meet Ross through Andy and Ross is also the only one of my friends who actually know Andy who agrees on him being an idiot. And.. Ross keeps bringing Andy up. He talks about how much he likes me and what an idiot Andy is. That's the two main subjects Ross talk about.
I had to explain to Ross today why I don't like Ellen. Or why I try to avoid her. I had to go through it all, explaining how Andy stoped talking to me when he met Ellen and started to like her. How he started lying because he didn't want me to find out about his feelings for her, how he started lying about why he didn't talk to me. Yet again I had to go through it all in my mind and write it down. And that's not really what I need.. That chapter has passed. I don't want anything to do with Andy anymore. But I don't want to stop talking to Ross to avoid hearing about him either. And that's not an easy thing to think about.. How a quite good friend of mine sometimes makes me feel bad just because he don't know. he don't know that I don't want to think about or talk about Andy, and I can't tell him that without explaining even more. Geez.. Does everything always have to be so complicated?
It's that. It's Cheggs feeling seriously bad because he's in love with me. it's this thing that I won't say what it is that's still cirkling my mind. And apart from those things I have things I always have to deal with. Such as school, the fact that I'm actually suffering from depressions, the fact that I'm constantly haunted by things in my past and also the future.. I just never seem to be able to be completely happy. To completely let go and just.. be. And I want that. I miss that. However I can actually miss it.. I don't think I've ever actually experienced it.

Today is equal boredom. And I'm hungry.
I went with my mom and Crow to Ullared (aka the nearest village that's bigger then a squere inch) cuz Crow had to buy a pair of boots and my mom had to get some other thingys and blabla.. And.. Gah! I shouldn't have gone with them. I want to buy shoooes! lol I'm flipping. or no, not really. I'm just rambling. Lately I've been all wanting to buy load sof clothes and shoes and accessoaries and.. stuff. Buuut.. I don't have the money for that. Sad face. And I found loads of nice shoes. And I don't have a single pair of shoes that I don't use. or well ok, one pair, but ignore that. Most people I know (girls) have loooads of shoes that they don't actually use. or so that thye can use a pair one day and then maybe another pair the next day and like match it with the clothes of the day. But I can't. And I have no clue why I'm writing this? I want to buy shoes. End of discussion. Now.. I'll go down and watch TV while waiting to get some food.

I just woke up from this horrible nightmare.. I don't usually have nightmares. The last time I had a real nightmare was like 2 years ago, and the next time before that was like 5 years ago.
However.. As always with dreams I can't actually remeber everything. But.. It was like some kind of zombie dream. Although it wasn't actually zombies. it was like.. insane animals and weird creatures.
I've been talking to Venom for like 20 minutes now and barely written anything so I kinda lost it all.. but I'll say what I remember..
What I remember the most was that we were all (it was me, my brother, stepdad, mom.. and some random people who I thing were sopposed to be reletives of mine) in this small room with two doors to get out of it, and then there was a tiny toilet as well i think.. And everyone was locked in this room all panicked and didn't know what to do. And I remember how my mom said every now and then that "you know it's up to you, if you tell us we turn out the power and just go out there.." as if I for some reason could decide that we should all go out there and just get killed.. And she kept saying that, several times.
Then everyone left, everyone disappeared exept me and my brother. I have no idea either how or where they disappeared.. And I remember that my brother was shooting this tiger or something through a tiny window to get us food or something. He had a bow and I had a sword, that was all was all weapons we had.. However, he went out to get this animal he had just killed. and when he did that, three more of them appeared in front of me. But they didn't do anything, they just stood there looking at me.. And my brother didn't even seem to notice even if he was looking right at me. And then.. All of a sudden the people who had left was back. and i screamed to my brother "they're back, they're back!" Then I just remember my mom saying that to me again, "you know it's up to you.. Just tell us and we'll do it.." and everybody seemed to want me to tell them to, everybody seemed to be sick of it all and just wanting to.. die. And then.. My brother reached the room, closed and locked.. and all these animals and creatures went crazy outside. Attacking the walls, trying to get in. It was like a whole zoo outside, and we were all just sitting in there andd hoping for them to go away before this room broke apart completely..
And then I woke up. It might not sound very horrible, but it was. And when I woke up I was all like "omg thank you!", sat up straight at once and went here to start the computer.

And now.. as I said, I've been talking to Ross (Venom) all along while writing this.. And I just found out that his girlfriend broke up with him for another guy (I think I told u that I've been talking quite alot to him cuz he've been all sad over problems with his girlfriend..) and well.. as I said some other time he more or less.. nearly asked me out. And well now he kind of did. he did a "Cheggs". Told me he's always here if things ends between me and Victor. Sooo... Now I have both Venom and Cheggs more or less.. waiting for things to screw up between me and Victor so I'll start going out with one of them instead. Which probably isn't really gonna happen cuz I don't and never have had that kind of feelings for any of them. And it's.. kind of annoying. A bit flattering I guess, but mostly annoying. Especually sence I'm getting better friend with both of them lately. Especually Cheggs. I was talking to him for several hours yesterday. And he seriously seem quite sad over me and Victor. He's trying to hide it, but.. I think he's seriously falling for me. Ah geez. Messy crap! Why can't I just be the ugly duckling like before? Before about.. A year ago, no one seemed to like me that way at all. And now everyone seem to do. And to be honest, it's just quite *very* annoying.. Mostly because I really hate to turn people down. It's not that I don't, if I have to or want to turn people down i do.. But I really don't like it.
Oh well. Breakfast time.

That last post of mine.. please try to ignore the fact that it's horribly bad written. That computer was just awful to write on and I couldn't be bothered to go back and correct everything.

However.. I'm back in Ätran (I never actually said that name before, but it's the name of the vilage thingy our house is in. Aka where I actually live.) over the weekend as usual. I'm going back to the flat on sunday afternoon though and I'm going to see Victor when I get there. And then, hopefully.. I'll stay at the flat all next weekend and get loads of private time with Victor. We never actually get time alone cuz we're always at my place, and I pretty much share one room with my brother.. and my brother never goes out. if people say I'm out too little, my brother is ten times worse. Which is equal no privacy.

I realized today that I'm feeling something I havn't felt in a loooong time. It's 2 years sence I had a relationship with someone that actually live near me, who's in the same shool, who I can easilly see every day.. (you get what I mean) And now.. I really don't understand how I was able to survive never seing the person i was going out with.
With Zeth, the person who I was going out with two years ago, I moved to another town (to where I live now) in the middle of everything and I only saw him about every second weekend. But I got used to that. I saw John once, and if it wouldn't have ended it would've taken 3 months till I would see him again.. The same with Andy.. How the hell did I actually survive that?
Now..saying goodbye to Victor and knowing I'll see him the next day still makes me feel.. not bad, but.. you know. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to be away from him for even like half a second.
I remember once.. Thinking of something when I was going out with Zeth. That before I moved, out biggest problem was that we had to say bye for the day. When I moved, it turned into having to say bye and not seeing each others till next week.
I can remember how I hated leaving him all the time before I moved, but that I got used to not seeing him all the time quite quckly. Saying bye even seemed easier when we didn't see each others every day anymore. Isn't that quite weird? How it's harder to say bye when you meet every day then when you don't.

Uuuhm.. yeah.. Today's been great. I think. Or well good, however. I was at school as usual, being with Victor, blabla.. had a test of Microsoft Word that was horribly easy (either that, or I did everything wrong. it took me about 20, maybe 25 minutes to finnish it.. And I doubt that it took less then 40 minutes for anyone else.) so.. I ended school 40 minutes easlier then usual, discovered that Victor was still at school so I spend some time with him and John and watching him getting a backslick to surprise his girlfriend who was coming over the weekend.. That hair on him was quite cute I must say ;P

I just had my dinner and I'm so.. damn.. full right now. Blargh. Startgate: Atlantis in 1½ hour. Might play some Halo 3 in a while.. And now I think I'll look at that ebay auction I found with a perfect christmas gift for a friend of mine.
Shibby.

Written at about 17:10 yesterday

Omg I havn't written anything in several days now! Not even at home, like I'm doing now... I must beinasne or something (or in love)
Well.. This monday it happened and I'm going out with Victor now.
Monday is like some kind of fuzzyness in my memory. It all just felt really.. unreal. And I remembehow I was all like "I'm gonna wake up any second, ain't I?".
Victor came over to my place after school. We played some Halo 3 and watched Monty Python and during all afternoon/night we kept getting closer, more intimate, and we ended up kissing. And that's kind of all I actually remember from that day.. As I said.. fuzzynes.
Apparently Victor had written in his bog on sunday that he had made up his mind and wantto be with me but I didn't read that till... tuesday morning I think. I udnerstood it anyawys though, without him either actually etlling me or me readign what he'd written.

Then last tuesday.. That day was just horrible. I waled around all day feeling like something seriously bad was about to happen. And so it did.
For the first time ever I'm actually not gonna say everyting here. There's these parts of my life who arn't made to be known to everyone.
However. On tuesday night at about..around eight I think I had a text from an old friend. A person I havn't talked to in a long time and who stoped talking to me, literally. He brought up this.. thing. A thing that took me nearly six months to get over. And well, part of those six months was about the worst time I've ever experienced. I never answered this text. or well, not till the next day cuz I was too upset.

Then on wednesday I answered his text, answered this one question and more or less yelled at him for contacting me after such a long time. he kept texting me, seemed to wanna try getting in contact with me again.. But I just rejected him.
Victor came with me home on wednesday as well and... I dunno what we did really? Mostly just laying in my bed, being close to each others, kissng..

Then today has been... Mostly good. I've been with Victor all day, obviously.
The only bad thing... This guy kept texting me. So i got fed up with him, rang him and yelled at him once again. It was a short but intense call and I was reallyupset.
Then Victor came with me home after school for a couple of hours today as well. We ended school already at 12:30 and he left about an hour ago. I miss him already... Being without him all weekend is gonna be horrible. And like.. I thought I was in love before we actually started going out.. Well if that waslove, I don't know what the hell this is. It's something I havn't felt before and I can't really find the words for it. Ever time I look at him t's like... Omg what made me this lucky? And why am i even trying to explain? I can't, not even to myself. It's some kind of ultimate feeling. Ultimate happiness. Every time he touch me or I touch him it's like some kind of shiver, can't get enough, don't ever want to let go. And when he ad to go.. I think it took about 20-30 minutes from whe he shoulv'de left till he actually did.

And now.. I'm sitting here I'm cold, missing him, and one of my pilows smell a bit like him. can't wait till tomorrow when I see him again.

(This took aaaages to write cuz this computeris so damn slow.. And i bet I did loads of misspellings and stuff, this keyboard is real awkward. Ah well. I'm off to get some candy now, which is going to be my lunch.. lol.)

Good news; I'm not dead! Haha. Not that I should be.. but still. I'v got a leson in 10 minutes, but after that I'l *hopefully* find a computer to loot and theeen.. I'll write properly. Byeye fornow.

I'm having computer class right now and.. I'm so-fucking-tired! I had to go up at 5 sence it takes quite a while to get here from the house and I start at 8.. And I had about 3, max 4 hours sleep tonight.. So well, I could just as well fall asleep right now. I try not to though.
I've got a test on this shit on friday, which is the next time I've got this lesson.. So I better stop writing and study this.. boring.. stuff.. want.. to.. sleep.. zzzzzz...

Ok I'm writing way too much today, I know.. but I just keep remembering things to say.
When I went on the xbox earlier I had 3 voicemessages from Venom rambling something about that he've deleted Andy from his friendslist, that he's an ass and.. something something, rambling about that he really likes me and I'm cool. I don't always get that guy, he seems to have some kind of fetich for telling people what he likes about them..
Anyways. I was in his Halo 3 game today as well, and then he was talking about Andy, saying shit about Venom and some of his friends. And then I also heard him say "Everything screwed up once him and Turkle met". Turkle is aka Ellen. And that just.. made me kind of happy. I'm not alone thinking Andy is an ass, I'm not alone hating Andy and Ellen together.. Etc. that just felt quite good somehow.
Venom is, btw, a really cool guy. I'm starting to become better friend with him and such. He seem to think I'm a pretty close friend and such, he told me about some problems he has with his girlfriend and let me tell him what I think about it and.. stuff. I like that guy.

I think I'm gonna go watch some TV now. I'm not feeling too well and writing does't really make me think less...

Is all of this just making things.. worse? Or simply bad? I never wanted anyone to feel bad because of this. I never meant.. anything really. Never meant anything else then to let him know what I feel. And now it seems like I never should've... I.. never meant to. I never meant for him to feel bad, never meant for him to spend hours and hours thinking about this, never meant to make anything complicated. I never wanted any bad. And why the hell am I sitting here right now, nearly crying? What did I actually do? I don't know, but apparently I did something wrong. Apparebtly this somehow turned into something alot more complicated then I thought. is this actually the right thing? is it actually worth it?
And why the hell am I thinking this? Me thinking like this isn't really gonna make anything better. And I really want this to end up being something good.. Geez I don't know what to think anymore really.
I'm sorry that I love you...

I've got houndreds, thousonds of thoughts circling my mind at the moment.. And I can't seem to get any kind of structure out of it.. So I just leave this song to say a little of it.

Oh and by the way.. Selene is just my internet Alias of some kind, as you know.. But it's also the name that's me. I don't see the real me in my name and unless I change my mind I'm going to actually change my name to Selene once I turn 18. And also.. I want to change my surname, cuz my surname is 1: My dads, and 2: Horribly ugly, and it's gonna be weird having that name when I move to england cuz no one's gonna be able to pronounce it. So.. I've now found who is me. And rhis surname is actually in my family so I can actually change to it, and my mom seems to be positive with me changing surname. So.. I am Selene Crawford. That's my name. That's me.

I joined my mom for a walk with the dogs earlier today. I don't usually do such things, don't usually spend random time with my mom. But when I do, we always seem to talk. We're quite similar, my mom and I, the way we thinks.. And how far we can actually think. She said once that my mind has reached nearly as far as hers, and she's after all 23 years older then me. I think most people look at me like a quite, or probably very, childish person. I usually joke around, I play way too much videogames, love Disney films.. Well I just have a quite childish personality. But I also have what I show here.. I mean, i don't think any of you reading this would call me childish really? It's like I have two different personalities. The happy, rambling, childish one that I usually show. And the deep, usually quite depressed more or less adult me. And i must say.. it's quite hard to find a good balance between these two. I usually end up using the childish one way too much to hide everything I feel, or using the deep one way too much and end up having serious depressions.

However.. While talking to my mom we end up talking about my dad. I know I havn't ever actually mentioned him, but to say it a simple way.. When my parents got divorced.. 5(?) years ago I and my siblings lived every second week at our dads, ever second week at our moms. But 3½ years ago we all stoped living at our dads, after just having troubles with it all the time.. During these 3½ years I've tried to start talking to my dad again several times but it've always just fucked up. So, I more or less havn't talked to my dad for 3½ years.
The thing is, that my new cousin had her infant baptism today. My aunt lives quite far away from here though (it's the same aunt I was over and worked as a babysitter at during the summer holidays) and I would have to take a day or two free from school to go there so i decided not to. The same did my sister and brother.
My sister is the only one of me and my siblings who actually talk to/meet my dad. She's there every second weekend, and she's there right now, coming home in a couple of hours. However, me and my mom realized that my dad obviously wasn't at the babtism sence my sister is over at his. Which brought us to that either my aunt or uncle actually talks to my dad. They're all fed up with him and all the shit he's done, how darn childish he is, just like me.
Then I started thinking about something.. I might not talk to my dad right now. But will I in the future? What I feel right now isn't that I don't want to talk to him, but that I've gota good life without him and I don't want to risk screwing anything up. To be honest, my stepdad is so much more of a dad to me then my actual dad is or ever was. But.. When I move to england, will I tell him? When/if I get married, will I invite him tot he wedding? if I get a child, will I let this child know his/her granddad? I honestly don't know. he's just.. not really a part of my life and havn't been for a long time.
Ah well. Just some random thoughts.

I won't post that text that I mentioned in the last post that I would. It was the msn conversation between me and Andy when he first told me he's falling for me, and.. I should try to leave that behind. Even though I just more or less went through a hard part of my life again.. It was quite horrible to think about how things went up, up, up to then shatter with me and Andy the same way it did with me and John.. Both of them have played such huge parts in my life and making me the one I am today.
I'm probably never gonna understand why things turned out the way they did. Either with John or Andy. I mean.. it was pretty much exactly the same thing that happened. I would never have been able to figure that out before it actually happened.. Andy and John are such different persons. Or maybe they arn't.. At least I thought they were.. are.. ehm, u get what I mean.
I really shouldn't write about this right now. I've now gone through it all again, and I actually learned alot. I even think I've got some things explained. And I realized things I have to think about, that I shouldn't fight when I know it's useless.. I just simply learned alot.

But what's the point in thinking too much about the past once you've learned what you can learn from it? The past is long gone, no one can do anything about it. Now let's focus on the present and the future, ok?
It's christmas in a month. I've neearly been to collage for a term already (only 5 more to go) and I must say it feels like things are starting to get better. So.. Now let's just wait and see what the future holds for me.

It ain't more then 10:30 when I start writing this and I just woke up.. But I decided to finnish this thing as soon as possible. I want to get it over with.. And well, also, at this time of the day, on a sunday.. There's no one online to talk to anyways so I've got no better to do, haha.

Once I started going out with Jesper I was really happy for a while. Or well.. it turned out to be about 2 weeks, before things started to mess up. But yeah.. He made me happy. We decided that he would come here over his half term (we don't call it half term here, but it's the same. A week of holiday at about the same time) which was one week before mine. He would be here a couple of days  and then I would go to his a couple of days on my half term. He was always talking to me, always telling me how much he loved me, how perfect he thought I were. He said that kind of things so much that I even ended up finding it seriously annoying. I think he was seriously in love with me.. And for a couple of days, lost in this happiness of being loved, I believed I was in love with him as well. But as you know, I later on realized that was never love. Not even the tiniest.
On the 21st of september (I don't actually remember that, I knoe it through a picture I've uploaded on this swedish site. I'm gonna post the text under that picture here once I'm done with this..) Andy started rambling about regreting that he put me and Jesper together, that he's starting to like me, how I was getting like.. inportant to him. Then he had to leave, before I actually had the chance to get things clear.
The next day we were talking on msn again, and I managed to get him to tell me more, so that I actually had everything clear, what he was on about. It was obviously what I thought it was.. He were falling for me, and it seemed to be quite serious. He was feeling seriously bad for like.. giving me away to a friend. The following week was a huge mess for me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking.. And at the same time, I constantly had Jesper "climbing" all over me. (aka acting like he had been doing sence we started going out) After a couple of days I told Andy about how I fell in love with him, about a month earlier, but decided to bury that.. But how it came back to life once he told me all of this. That's what happened.. I actually tried to keep those emotions buried.. But I couldn't. So.. what the hell was I sopposed to do? There I was.. With the person I was in love with, the person who made me happier then anyone else, telling me he love me as well. And with the person I was going out with, who was madly in love with me and would be heartbroken if I told him the truth. That I regret going out with him from the start, that I was never in love with him.. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that my more or less only true fear is to hurt the ones I love. And in this dilemma.. I had to hurt someone. I had to either hurt Jesper, alot. Or.. Hurt both Andy and myself. The thing was also.. That Jesper had already ordered the tickets to going here and I just.. couldn't tell him. This ended up with me living in some kind of lie, lying to jesper for over a month. And I and Andy.. we didn't say we were going out, but we kind of were. I started to avoid saying I love you to Jesper because I didn't want to lie, not more then neccesary.
The day when Jesper was coming here was getting closer. The about.. 2 days before he came, Andy started to act weirdly. He had said all along that he didn't mind Jesper coming here because he knew I loved him, not Jesper, but now.. It was getting really obvious that was a lie. He hated it, he really hated that Jesper was coming over. I think he was feeling seriously bad just thinking about it.. he barely spoke to me during the 5 days Jesper was over and I started to wonder if had made the wrong decision. Maybe this wasn't what was best for everyone.. Maybe it would've been just better to actually tell Jesper not to come. But what could I do about that now?
The day Jesper left I told him it didn't feel right. I broke up with him, but lying about the reason. During the days he had been there I hadn't said I love you to him even once, so he said he saw it coming.. Which kind of annoyed me. Because he had been like a leech on me during these days. i remember the first night, that was just awful. I didn't get any sleep cuz he was all over me, touching me, trying to get me to kiss him. All night! And.. yeah.. having him there wasn't bad only though, we had quite a fun time after all. But however.. I broke up with him.. And the first thing I did when I came back home was to tell Andy I had broke up with Jesper. Which was where I expected Andy to ask me out.. Which he didn't. That's where I started to worry about Andy. Having Jesper over had obviously changed Andy against me somehow, and looking back at it.. I think that's where all of this started.

But the real hell releasted about a week later. The week where I and also Andy had out half term passed. (I didn't say anything about that but things happened and blabla I never went over to Jesper's) I remember Andys words so perfectly.. "hey Darling.. I've met this girl, she's real cool and she's just like you." Already there, before I had even "met" (aka talked to) Ellen, I disliked her. I hate to be compared to other people. Because I know that I'm me, and I know me quite well, and I'm very sure there's no one else like me. And also.. The person who loved me said a girl was just like me.. Didn't that mean he could just as well love her? So.. I really didn't like Ellen even from the start.
Then I was in a game with Ellen, Andy, Venom and I guess someone else, can't remember who.. And.. Yeah, sure, Ellen was ok, we could get along with each others. But..  Seeing Ellen and Andy together was like looking at him and me together. They were acting the same to each others. Laughing, joking, being sarcasticly mean to each others.. Just like me and Andy. Only.. that they seemed to have more fun, they seemed to be a bit more happy then I and Andy did. That's where I actually started to moreor less hate Ellen.
I remember that night.. When I had left the game and I wa in my room late at night.. I put on some instrumental, sentimental music on high volume.. and I broke apart completely. I was crying for over an hour. And i didn't even actually know why.. It was just this feeling I had. The feeling that something was wrong. And as early as this, nearly a month before I actually broke up with Andy, I felt that it was what I should do. But I didn't want to give up, silly me. I thought that this is nothing.. He've just made a new friend. But then came the schooldays.. And I thought that finally, everything's back to normal.. Now he's gonna talk to me like usual again. Cuz during the half term, he barely talked to me at all. Or at least very little compared to what he used to. (anyone else then me who get some kind of déjà vu feeling here?) But school was back as normal.. And things didn't go back to normal. Andy wasn't even on msn any more. Before, he was always on msn so that we could have a voice conversation when we couldn't talk over the xbox (I share xbox with my brother on schooldays cuz we only have one TV in the flat), but through these 5 days he wasn't on a single time.
Just to add that, I think this was about the time when I actually started to get to know Victor. But back to the main thingy..
I just kept feeling that something was wrong. Then came the next weekend.. And it was an exact copy of the last one. I was in games with Andy and Ellen, felt horrible..
(I just realized that I forgot a thing.. at the 12th of october, aka about a week and a half before Jesper was over, I and Andy got engaged. And to be honest, I think that was quite serious. But then.. just a week later things would fall apart..)
Oh and yeah, I have now also reached the point where I started writing this blog.. So I don't think there's ve much left to say really.
I think it was.. about 2 weeks after I broke up with Jesper, Andy actually asked me out. Because we got into a discussion about if we were actually going out or not. I think.. 5 days later, I broke up with him. From the time when Jesper left to the day I broke up with Andy I had tried to talk to him 3 times. I tried to get an explonation. Tried to make him tell me what was going on.. But I never had a proper answer. He always answered something, and this something always made me believe him even though I actually didn't. I've learned now how that's the effect Andy's got on me. No matter what he says I seem to believe and forgive him. That's the reason I try to talk to him as little possible, because I just seem to get more and more proof that what I think about him is true and I don't want to fall back to him again.. After writing this, and reading through some old things I wrote before things started to go shit between us.. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was actually in love. But I don't know. I hope not, and I shouldn't think about that.
But yeah.. everything that's left has alrady been said here before, in normal posts.. But after I broke up with Andy I found out all these thinggs that John said, about Ellen and Andy talking behind my back.. I remember how pissed Andy was when he found out I trust John instead of him and yelled at me, telling me he wasn't in love with Ellen. That's the first time I trusted him when I shouldn't have. Then Ryan said all these things, and that day when I was so pissed I could've killed someone.. Then that day when Andy said he think he's falling in love with Ellen and.. Blabla. You know the story. And I guess.. That's The End.

Random title, but I can't be bothered to think fo something.

Writing that last part.. Was.. really hard. I nearly started crying, but managed not to. It hurts, to think back at how everything screwed up. How that.. perfect-ness I had with John just crashed into a gazillion of pieaces in no time at all. And even worse.. How much Andy used to matter to me. How he used to be my best friend. And then he.. decieved me like this. it just hurts. and it's hard. But I'm having use of this as well, so.. I see things, connections, remember things I otherwise would't have thought about. Such as that John found it real hard to trust people, and he once told me "Selene, you trust people way to easilly.." and I just denied that. But now I've realized he was right. I do trust people way to easly. It doesn't take much before I can concider a friend worth my trust, before I could tell them things I wouldn't tell someone I don't actually know..
However.. Reaching the point where this.. "story" starts to get emotional, where it actually starts to matter makes me emotional. There's a reason I usually try not to think of my past.. And this isn't even the thing in my past that makes me the most emotional.

The worst thing about getting emotional though, is that one think makes me emotional.. but then I end up being depressed over and thinking about more or less everything that's going on. So well, obviously my mind now changed direction and started thinking about Victor.
I've realized that.. I really hope he's not doing all of this for me, but that there's something in it for him as well. I never asked him to be with me just because I'm not the most happy person existing. I don't want him to be with me for that reason. I never did. I don't deny the fact that I could use somebody, and at the moment he seem to be that somebody.. But you get what I mean. I would easily choose what's good for him over what's good for me. Even if I'd logically enough prefer if those were the same thing.
I'll just.. stop writing now.

I'm not going to say much about the time I was over at John's.. What we did is quite uninportant really, it's what I felt that matters. And what happened when I left.
I, as I said, spent 10 days there. 10 amazing days. And one of the days I met Andy who I was starting to become real good friend with. I met more or less all of Johns family (or the part of it that lives in Cornwall) and well I kind of.. Felt like part of the family. Like home. I remember that I heard John's mom say to.. her sister I think, that it was great to see John happy again. He, just like me, wasn't the most happy person existing. I remember that sentence, when she said it, how happy that made me. Gosh we were really in love. At that moment, when I was there with him, in his arms.. it was like nothing mattered. I knew that it would take several months till I could see him again, but I didn't care. I knew it would be worth it. I even knew how horrible it was gonna feel once I had to leave.. But I still didn't care. I thought we could make it.
But then I had to go home..

It's seriously hard for me to write this. Because this is where things started to go seriously wrong. Where everything screwed up and my life would be followed by 3 months of some kind of illusionative happiness, just to bury how horrible I actually felt.

The first thing I felt when I came back home.. Was simply that I wasn't home. My home was no longer my home.
I ordered my own xbox just a couple of days after I came back "home". I kind of more or less bought it for the reason to talk to John.. But that wouldn't really end up being what I actually used it for.
Also, just a couple of days after I left, John's cousin from London came down and would end up staying there for the rest of the summer holidays.
Now, after I left.. John changed. He didn't talk to me even half as much as he used to, and all he said seemed to be just really mean.. I remember several things he said. He wasn't online on xbox live for 5 days once, and he didn't answer my texts, he didn't accept my chat invites. Once he actually accepted a chat invite, what he said was that he had other things to do, more inportant things. He couldn't just spend all time on me. And he didn't answer my texts or chat invites for the simple reason that taling to me made him feel bad.. He was just saying mean things, constantly. Sarcastic but mean comments, but together with everything else he said and did, and that it was all he said to me.. it just became mean. He was joking about leaving me ten times more often then he actually said he wouldn't. And over 3 weeks, I remember, he said I love you to me twice. That's less then he said it in an hour before.
With other words.. He changed. He became an ass. He just made me feel really, really bad. Every time we talked I seemed to feel horribly bad afterwords. And this is where Andy starts getting some kind of role in this whole act. My every day scedule looked something like school, feeling bad (this was long before I actually liked my new school..) - home, talking to John which made me feel bad - talking to Andy on msn which made me feel good again. Andy became the light in my life of some kind. And if it wasn't because of him, I would never have survived all this with John. I was feeling bad as it was, but if it wasn't for Andy I would've been more or less dead. Sometime during these weeks that I felt like this, between I left John and it all ended, I once had this kind of "aha"-feeling. I realized I was starting to fall for Andy, who was also becoming my best friend. But at this time I was still going out with John, and Andy was going out with this girl called Rachel. So I decided to simply bury these feelings for him, ignore them completely. And so I did.
I knew all along that me and John were.. doomed. But I still believed in this thing I had felt while being there, I still believed in this being worth fighting for. But I knew all along that was just a big lie. I knew what to do, but I just couldn't do it. That end up with John breaking up with me. After going out for a little more then 3 months.
2 days after John broke up with me, he asked Vicky out. 3 days after they started going out, Vicky broke up with him. Which made John even more miserable. At this time, I couldn't stand him. He had changed completely. He walked round feeling sorry for himself, whining about his life and at the same time acting superior. And that was about all he did.

At this time, also, I got to know Dougle, Cheggs, Orkra, Nathan and Jazzy.. People who are now quite close friends of mine over xbox live. But they don't really have much to fo with all of this, more then that they were also part of the reason i didn't fall apart completely.

About at the same time as John broke up with me, I started talking alot more to Jesper again. We were talking constantly, and after realizing we could text each others for free we also spent all days at school texting each others. And then there was this saturday when Andy went on some kind of rampage and asked more or less everyone I know if they fancy me. Among these was Jesper. And, well I guess you all know Andy nearly as good as I do now.. So, of course Andy told me everything Jesper said. And also, Andy told Jesper everything I said to him. Which.. Kind of ended up with me and Jesper going out. That was the first big mistake I did. Starting to go out with Jesper, creating some kind of feelings for him for the reason, which I later on realized, that I needed some kind of confirmation that I wasn't completely wortless. Cuz it took me over a month to realize the fact that what happened between me and John was his foult only, I never actually did anything wrong.
However.. That's where the mess started. With Andy putting me and Jesper together,

End of chapter 3. (blabla)

Once John had asked me out I was just.. walking around constantly happy. There were a few weeks left of school before the summer holidays started (here in sweden we've got our summer holiday from the middle of june to the end of august, not as in brittain) and there last weeks were just.. some kind of coma. I was constantly thinking about John, missing him, and from the texts we constantly sent to each others I kinda guess he felt the same. John was the kind of person who had loads of friends, quite popular at school, constantly being with someone, didn't like to be alone. But once he met me, that kind of changed. He stoped being with friends to be able to talk to me instead and all he seemed to care about was.. me. And I was exactly the same to him. All I cared about was John. We didn't get too much time talking though, cuz I mean.. the way we were talking was through xbox live. And the xbox was Crows.
Even before John asked me out we mentioned that maybe we should see each others sometime, more like planning to see each others ina  year or two but we still mentioned it. When we started going out, John asked his parents if he could go see me.. But he couldn't. I was ve sure I wouldn't be allowed to either, but I still asked. And after my mom thinking about it for about 2 weeks or something, she said yes. I was actually going to go to england to see John! After that.. Those.. about 2 months I had to wait, was all about.. Waiting. Some things happened during this time though.
I learned quite quckly that John finds it really difficult to trust people. He hated every time I mentioned another guy, which I did quite alot cuz I after all started to get some more friends then him over xbox live. I think.. Ryan and Ben, aka Speedking, were the ones I was closest to. But John was still the only one that actually mattered. But however.. I couldn't mention being in a game with either Ryan or Speed without John getting incredebly jealous. And this was all.. really.. hard. He was constantly thinking I was gonna leave him, he didn't see what he had that all other guys don't have.. He said he trust me, but he didn't trust these guys. And I was actually feeling quite bad over him more or less keeping me from talking to friends. I couldn't even mention anything I've done with any of them.
Once the summer holiday started I had quite alot of things to do. I spent a couple of days at my friend Linda's house, and then I was at my aunt's in stockholm (it's quite far away from here) working as a babysitter for my cousin and just.. visiting.
Just before I left to my aunt's I started getting closer to Ryan. He wanted to talk to me all the time, we played quite alot of games together and stuff. Then I left to my aunt's and were gone for nearly 2 weeks. During the time I was there, Ryan was on msn nearly constantly to talk to me. He was barely on the xbox at all, cuz he prefered to stay talking to me. During these weeks I and Ryan got alot closer and I started wondering if he liked me. So, I asked him. And yes.. he did.
Once I got home, there was about 2 weeks left till I was going to Johns. I did the mistake of telling John about Ryan fancying me, and this made John more or less.. Hate Ryan. At this time, John was also a bit jealous at Andy because he thought Andy fancied me as well. Andy denied that though. But well.. John seemed to think everyone fancied me at that time.

Something I remember really well was the about 5 last days before I went to Johns. Andy's xbox was broken, Ryan was constantly on msn to talk to me and Jesper was away somewhere but had brought his laptop. So, it was me, ryan, jesper, andy and usually also ryans little brother who had these group conversations on msn. And I really miss that.. It was real fun and that's where I started getting close to people on real. I would also, later on, learn the fact that it was about then Jesper started to like me. (Jesper is, btw,the only swedish person I know over xbox live who I actually talk to.)

Then the day came, and I left to go see John. Omg I was so nervous! John had been nervous for like a month but I had been really calm about it, but I remember when I was on the plane.. that feeling was.. new. I was going to see John for the first time, I was going to england for the 2nd time and I was traveling all alone outside sweden for the first time ever. But once I got there.. it just klicked. John was really nervous for all the 5 hour carjourney from heathrow to John's, who live in Cornwall. But I felt real calm once I actually met him.. I was rambling on like normal, talking about everything.. And me being so calm seemed to calm him down so it was all just fine.
I remember so perfectly what I felt when we reached his house. The moment I stepped into his house, or even more when I stepped into his room, I felt like.. home. And that's what I would feel throughout all those 10 days I spend with him. Those days turned out to be among the best days i've ever experienced.

End of chapter 2. (to be continued. *dramatic music*)

When I returned to the house yesterday I'd got two packaged with clothes I've ordered, so I took some photos of them today and I kind of like this one so I thought I'd post it here.
As you can see, we've got snow here in sweden. And yesterday it was about -6 degrees! Dunno hwo cold it is right now but yeah.. yesterday was.. really cold.
I'm alone at home and will be till about 18 today. My sister's at my dads and mom, Patric (my stepdad) and Crow is at some kind of meeting.. thingy.. up in gotheburg and will be away all day. So it's just me and the dogs. Who I, thanks for reminding myself, have to take for a walk soon.
Apart from that there's kind of.. Nothing going on really. I failed with not talking to Andy.. or well, we've been talking over messages at xbox live. Which isn't really talking, cuz it takes ages to type a message that way. But yeah... And he seem to have understood that he's just been hurting me cuz he joined my party earlier, but left as soon as he noticed I was there. With other words: He don't want to talk to me either now. Which is good, it just makes it alot easier for me. it do annoy me that he can do that so easily though. it just proves how darn little I actually mean to him, if he stops talking to me without protest.
And also.. While talking about Andy.. I was in a game with Ross, aka Venom earlier. He's a friend of mine and Andy (over xbox live) and we're in the same clan on Halo 3. However... Ross said something like this;  "Have you heard Pudding talking behing my back? I'm not mentioning any names, but someone's said he have." And there I just.. OMG'd. I havn't heard Andy talking behind Ross' back, but he's been talking behind my back.. And apparently someone else's as well. Which just even more proves that I'm right, no matter how many times Andy denies it. It's.. really relieving I must say. And I'm starting to get over thos whole being mad at Andy thing. I can think about him and even hear his voice without flipping completely. Depends on what he say though, but however.
Oh and yeah.. Something that happened yesterday that I found quite.. amusing. A bit unconfortable, but amusing. I think I've told you that Cheggs fancied me not too long ago? However, if I didn't say that, he did. He's been.. nearly going out with this girl named Rachel for a while now and he's been all madly in love and stuff. And I've been helping him all along, talking to him if he needs someone to talk to and such. Cuz they live quite far away from each others and Rach still havn't actually said yes to going out yet and blabla. However, I was talking to Cheggs about Rach yesterday and he told me he thinks she's starting to like someone else. Cuz she talks less to him and doesn't say I love you back when he said and such. Awe talked about this for a while, cuz I mean.. That's pretty much the same thing that happened with me and Andy. Only alot worse. But however. And then, maybe 20 minutes before I left, Cheggs said "hey Selene.. I think I like you. It's like that time when I fancied you.. But alot more." and later he said "if things doesn't work out for me and Rach, or you and Victor.. Will you go out with me?" Soo.. he more or less asked me out. And I really didn't know what to say. it was a bit freaky. He's a real good friend of mine and we're quite close but I've never liked him like that. And also, no way I'm getting into a long distance relationship again.
Oh and yeah, I think Ross kind of asked me out today as well. Ever sence I showed him a photo of me he's been all obsessed and constantly saying how hot I am and giving me compliments and stuff. And today he asked me if I'm single, and when I said yes he said something.. that omg I can't remember what he said. However, I think he kind of asked me out. Gwargh. What is it with british people and wanting to go out with me? Why must it be so hard for a guy to be just friend with a girl? it's kind of annoying sometimes, I must say.

Ah well, I gotta takecare of the dogs now. I'll keep writing my story.. thingy, later.
Shibby.

So.. The start of the.. err.. "story of my life" of some kind. Aka where it all started.. (the logic is undeniable)
Actually.. It all started with the smallest thing. Crow (I repeat, Crow = my brother) bought a second controler for his xbox. Such tiny thing as my brother saying "Hey, you know what? I bought another controler for my xbox. Wanna play some Halo?" After that I and my brother started getting really close. Over.. a week I think.. We played through all the Halo games campaign. And once we were done with that, we started playing some Halo 3 matchmaking. This is where I started to get to know Crow's xbox live friends. Or well.. No.. I didn't get to know them, but I.. heard them through the TV. The first person I actually talked to.. was John. I remember the ver first thing he said to me. Which wasn't actually to me but to Crow, but however. "I bet your sister's hot he said". That pissed Crow off so bad. And well, my answer to that was "Of course I am". After that, I remember talking to John once, helping him with this girl.. Vicky. he told me how he'd liked her for quite a while, how they were really good friends and that he didn't know what she thought about him cuz sometimes she seemed to like him but another time she seemed to hate him. I also got some time to just casually talk to him once during a game I remember. And I also remember how I really, really couldn't talk and play at the same time at that time.
However.. I came with the idea that I and Crow would buy a vision cam, aka a webcam for the xbox. Which we ended up doing.. I remember this was on a friday, that we bought it. With the camera came a headset and a month with free xbox live gold membership. And there... I made my own xbox live account, named Selene Crow. (Crow is actually just a surname for mine and my brother's online character alias.. thingys. But also his online nickname.) But the xbox wqas still Crow's, located in his room, so I didn't actually get to play that much, But yeah.. This friday, when we bought the camera and I could actually talk to people for the same time.. That's when things started to happen. I don't remember anything of what games we played or what was said.. But what I remember is that night, when I went to sleep and.. I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop thinking about John. it was something I had never felt before. It was like I had fallen in love, after one day. And that's actually what happened. No matter how damn strange that sounds. I tried to deny it, because I.. didn't want it. I've always thought love comes through friendshop so then how the hell could I be in love without even knowing him? And also, he obviously liked someone else (Vicky) so I stood no change. But well.. That's what happened. I kept thinking about him, constantly, and I was playing with him every now and then, when he joined Crows games. Now I also started to get to know "An Evil Pudding", who I would eventually learn was the person by the name Andy. He and John were in the same school, the same year, they were best friends and couldn't be separated. At this time though, I just found Andy really annoying. But yeah..

 6 days after this friday, aka the next thursday, I had some time alone at Crows xbox. I had an ivite from.. Can't remember if it was from Andy of Mark, another guy, but however. The two of them was in the game. I even remember what map it was on and everything... But however. I remember Andy just randomly, all of a sudden saying "Hey Selene.. John fancies you." All I answered to that was some kind of bored "okay?". My heart started beating when Andy said that and I was all like.. Omg! I didn't dare to trust him though and tried not to think about it. I mean.. It was just too good to be true, that John would actually like me. Later the same night I was talking to John and he asked if I would get any time alone at the xbox soon. Which I would, cuz Crow got home real late at fridays. So, when the friday came.. I first had about 40 minutes alone with John. Then later the same night I got to use the xbox another hour while Crow was watching Stargate. Nearly constantly during this hour, John was rambling about things such as that he talks to others but he never talks himself. Saying things that showed he wanted to say something.. but couldn't. When there was like.. 5 minutes till I had to go he said it though. "I kind of like you".
That's where I started going out with John. at the 23d of may. (I'm probably never gonna forget that date cuz I wrote it everywhere for a time)

End of chapter 1. (or something like that) To be continued tomorrow.

(Edit: I just noticed that I named this post "epilogue". But that's the end.. it was sopposed to be "prologue". That's alot better.)

I made up my mind and finally decided to tell you all about the last about.. half year of my life. There's been so much going on throughout this time and if some of the things that happened wouldn't have happened.. well then my life would look completely different today. And, I also realized how I'm not too clear myself of what did what, why did that happen etc. Things I know I'll understand if I actually put some time and effort into it. So before this weekend is over you're gonna know everything about one of the two most decisive times of my life. Eventually I'm going to tell you everything about the most inprtant things of my past, the things that shaped me. But to go that far back.. It's not the time. I'm not ready for that.
 So yes, I actually mostly write this for myself... But I guess some of you could be interested to read it was well. It's gonna expain alot, who some persons are and why they're inportant to me. I'll start writing this later tonight. Now.. I'm gonna go down watch some TV. Stargate: Atlantis is on in 30 minutes. I used to love that show but now I havn't watched it in ages, till last week - and now I'm stuck again. I'm a bit of a sci-fi geek. Or not a bit, alot.

So.. I was at the hospital today for the diabetes-check-thingy.. and.. omg.. my blood glycose have been so bad lately. No wonder I've been all tired and stuff..
I noticed something today, while taking some tests at the hospital.. I don't feel pain from needles anymore. I usually feel a little, but I didn't feel a shit. Which made me think of when I got my tattoo.. yes, I've got a home made one, done using the poke-method. With othery words, I was poking a needle into my skin loads and loads of times.. And it didn't actually hurt that much. It's quite weird how you can get used to pain. I wonder if you can get used to all kinds of pain?

I'm real tired today. More then usual. I think I'm just gonna be watching TV with my family (or well, the half of it that's home) or something. I wanna try to avoid thinking and.. stuff. And tomorrow I'm gonna be alone at home (apart from the 3 dogs) from about 10 to 18. It's really really rare that I'm alone at home so I'm gonna enjoy that. I think. Hopefully I will. Then I can loot Crow's (my brother) headset for the xbox and actually talk to people while playing with them.

Dinner, gotta go.

Every time I read through old posts I notice loads of.. Not misspellings, but that I miss letters while writing. I just wanna point out that that's not cuz I can't spell but cuz I write very.. sloppy.

However... I looted a computer at school while waiting to go to the bus in 50 minutes. Victor descend upon me yesterday (not that I really mind it, but aaanyways.) I dunno how long he was there really? But yeah.. That made me happy face.   (omgwtfbbq I used an emoticon) And then I couldn't fall asleep yesterday.. I think I was awake till about 3 or something. And then, once I fell asleep I had all these weird dreams. I've been dreaming every night for nearly a week now.. I don't usually dream, but when I do they always come continuous. And the thing is.. When I dream, it's like I only get about.. 30% maybe, of the sleep I actually get. So I'm real tired at the moment. And a weird thing about this is that I've had dreams with people I actually know in them. Victor, a friend of mine named Linda, some people from school, Andy, John.. And I never -and I mean never - have dreams about "real" people. My dreams are usually just weird, and I'm me but not me.. And the people around me can be someone I know, but they arn't actually them.. Gah, dunno how to explain. It's weird, however.

Also, when Victor was over yesterday... I.. dunno.. I felt.. something. And wtf why do I even try to explain this? I mean, I can't even explain it to myself. I just felt something, however.. (wow, that really said alot, didn't it?)

Ah well. I... don't.. have anything to say really.. Cya tonight when I get home from that horrible, horrible hospital (I reallyreallyreally hate hospitals. Especually this one. Bad memories.)

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And i'm searching for the words inside my head
Cuz I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it

I just deleted Andy from my friendslist on xbox live... Just a random comment.
I'm going to the hospital tomorrow (as I was sopposed to last wednesday) and omg it's all... so.. comlicated! It takes about 1h 15 mintues to get there, but to get beck home.. that's just a fucking disaster. It takes 2-3 hours and blabla.. I really can't be bothered with it but I have to. And also, this means I have to leave school at about 10:30, aka I probably won't see Victor at all tomorrow. Or during the weekend. Sad face...
But yeah.. Yesterday and the day before yesterday (once I calmed down about Andy) I didn't seem to be able to stop thinking about him. It kind of.. Idunno.. Annoys me, somehow. I want to be independent, I don't want to need someone else to be happy, to "survive". Every time that happens, every time I seem to rely everything on some inportant person.. That ends up being a living hell, me being hurt and dreams getting crushed. And I kind of want to avoid that.. But I seem to be failing, miserably. But yet again, I worry too much, don't I?
I think the answer for everything that seems to be so complicated and confused in my life at the moment is very easy, standing there in front of me. I just seem to deny it, try to ignore it.
I guess I'm just.. Seriously in love.

My blood glycose is low (stupid diabetes), I really don't know what to say and I just feel.. Quite down for some reason. I'm off to go home now.. Get something to eat and.. Err.. Think, which is more or less all there's to do at the flat. Yay me.

Wednesday then.. Half of the week has more or less passed already..
Today has been.. A mist of some kind. I've been feeling quite crap. Spent all day doing my best not to think about Andy, trying not to walk around and be pissed like yesterday. I failed quite miserably with that though.. Or most of the times. Sometimes I managed to forget it for a moment and those moments were just as good as all other time I spend at school. But it's gonna take a while before I'm over this. And I'm defeneatly not looking forward to the weekend.. Because.. At schooldays I don't usually (or well, lately) talk too much to Andy anyways, but at weekends I do because then we're at msn and xbox live at the same time. And I can't talk to him.. I don't want to fall back. He's hurt me too many times already. The worst though, is that I think that he's not gonna feel sad about me not talking to me, he's just gonna be mad at me for not trusting him.. At least that's what happened after I kind of yelled at him after John told me everything. But it's my time to rest now.. I.. I've been feeling bad for way too long now. I was feeling great for about.. 2 months, a couple of months ago. But exept that I've been generally feeling bad for the last 2 years. I'm fed up with it. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to have to make big choices and stand for doing wrong again. I don't want to spend every weekend being lonely, thinking of how to clear up my life, hating everything that has to do with it and myself. I want to be able to think that I did the right thing. That Selene, you're good. I'm simply fed up with bad things. It's time I think about myself. A new year is about to come, and I hope to make next year something great. I want to change my life completely, I don't want any of what I've had in the past ever again.
An old friend of mine, Zeth, always named the new years on new year. Perhaps 2009 should be the year of "a new start".

Just some random thing I realized today.. I can't talk. But at the same time I'm damn good at talking. Or well... If someone asks me if I wanna talk because they know someothing's bothering me, I usually don't want to. Or, I don't want to talk about. I simply don't talk, I write. I seem to be good at expressing by writing, but when I talk it usually just sound like some kind of incoherent rambling. Although, everytime someone ask if I want to talk or somehow lets me know they're there for me that always makes me feel happy somehow. I don't mean any bad by not.. "accepting the offer". And sometimes, actually, just hearing there's someone willing to listen and help is enough. Knowing I'm not alone. Because that's the last thing I need right now. To end up being alone, all on my own.
And when it comes to Victor.. I don't seem to be the only one worrying. I try not to worry, not to think about it too much. I don't mind it taking time, I've got no problem with that. He's right. I've been rushing things all of my life. I never have the patience to wait more then neccesary. But maybe that's just what I need to change this shit I'm trying to get out of. To give things time. I believe.. that if you give things the right time, it'll always turn out good. If I let this with Victor take the time it needs, this will end up with something good. If I would've had the brain to give the thing with Andy less time then I did, if I would've given it the time it was worth, then we would probably still habe been friends. But it ain't always easy to do something as soon as you think it feels right. I guess that's the problem with it.

Wellwell. I'm hungry. Time to head home and eat dinner and examine the new xbox dashboard update a bit closer.

Shibby.

Written yesterday at about 19:30

I just got back home.. Today, or well the last hours have been the weirdes ever. I've never felt like this before. After I left the liberary.. Omg.. I was so pissed. I've never, ever actually hated anyone that much before. Or well, I still do, but at least now I'm more or less calm. I left the liberary only 5 minutes after the last post and.. Well on those 20 minutes it took me to walk home I nearly got hit by a car, twice. I ran into a woman and I literally scared a kid. I was so pissed. I just put on Killswitch Engage on the highest volume, looked into the ground and half walked, half ran home, more automatically then as a deliberate choise, constantly thinking about what an idiot Andy is. Then, once I got home, I was just restless.. I stayed at home for about 15 minutes and then went back outside for a walk. I went down to the river, still as pissed as before, sat down at a bench and there... I just fell apart. I felt all kind of bad feelings at once. I don't think I've ever felt that fucking bad before. Or yes, once, but however. I sat there for about 45 minutes, just crying, feeling.. Awful.. Wondering why the hell Andy did all of this to me. He's a fucking liar. He don't and probably never did fucking respect me, care about me or anything. He can't do. If he did, he wouldn't treat me like shit. What hurts the most though.. is the fact that he used to mean so much to me. He's the reason I "survived" when things started going bad for me and John. Every day at school I used to look forward to getting home and talk to him. He was my everything. As a friend and as the person I loved. And then... It turns out like this. And I can't talk to him again. Because if I do, I know he's gonna make me blame myself once again and forgive him. I won't let that happen again. And I really owe both John and Ryan a huge thanks for helping me realize what an idiot Andy actually is. Together with Jesper and Victor who've said some things as well. And Dougle. Thank you.

The Chapter "Darling" of my life do here and now... End.

It's always been up to you
It's turning around, it's up to me
I'm going to do what I have to do,
What I should've done long ago
Before things fell apart and the bridge was burnt
Give me a little time
Leave me alone a little while
Maybe it's not too late?
Not today, not today
It's over. There's no more "us"
It's over, what used to be is long lost

Before the 15 minutes that's left of my time has runs out, I just wanted to add;
I'm having some strange feeling. I don't know what it is I just feel.. Weird. Uncertain, somehow. Confused. Like I really don't know what the hell is gonna happen with anything. Which is true though. I guess the explonation for all these things is just as logical as that.

And another thing to add; I'm talking to Ryan (xbox live friend) for the first time in quite a while. And.. Apparently.. Andy's been telling him quite alot of things I didn't know he's said. Geez. Everything I said to Andy ends up being in the hands of the whole world, but he never ever say anything to me. I really have to stop thinking so much about him, stop being so darn pissed and care so much about everything I seem to find out, piece by piece... Maybe I should just leave him. Do what I felt like doing that first time when John told me everything. Just stop talking to him. It would just do everything so damn much easier.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I have to get myself into this? Fucking shit.. I've already got enough to think and worry about...
And to quite Ryan: Pudding (Andy) said I'm going to be next.
Wow. Let's rip Andy's head off, shall we?
To explain that; Ryan's been seriously in love with me for half a year now. And people (Andy) sometimes joke about the whole thing that I've been going out with 3 persons I've met over xbox live. Wow.. Omg.. I've never been this pissed in my entire life.

Tueday and back to school. Today's been more or less like every other day at school. Just great. I really have no idea what it is with school that makes me feel good, but hey, it does, so why complain. Not much have happened really. Nothing to say about today...

Yesterday though.. I spend more or less all day with Victor, I guess you could call that our first date.. Or something like that. What we did was.. Walking around.. for 5 hours.. just talking. And I must say, it really didn't feel like 5 hours. My legs could tell that afterwords though, haha. And I fell asleep at half 9. Wtf? However.. I and VIctor were talking about, literally, everything and nothing. Everything from school, videogames, films.. To quite deep things, life, what's in our past and such.
i remember one specific thing he said. (Or well, I remember quite alot of things he said but you know what I mean). He told me quite alot about how he's good at.. Erm.. Reading other persons? Understanding things they "say" even though they don't say anything. How he realized I like him before I even did myself and blabla. However, he said this... That from what heard, when it comes to this whole John/darling who-to-trust-thing, he's quite sure John's the one telling the truth. When he said that, it was the same feeling as when Dougle said "But how special was it with you and Andy anyways?" It was like he confirmed what I already knew but refused to admit to myself. I've always thought that Darling's the one lying about this, but I didn't want to admit that I thought so. But now after Victor said that I realized I have to stop that. I'm quite sure Darling's lying, even though I'm probably never gonna find out the trust. Just face it Selene, Darling' a liar.
But hey, when I think about it, what would actually be the worst anyways. If Darling or John's the one lying? I'm already kind of slipping away from Darling, but I'm starting to become friend with John again.

Another thing that I've realized... I really like Victor, obviouslt enough. But however this turns out I guess I'm gonna have a good friend. I mean, it we're gonna spend more time together and blabla..
Oh and yeah, btw, Victor; By "Half 11" I mean "Half past 11", and you can say that, it's just an everyday way of saying it. I just copied John and Andy and like.. all of my xbox live friends when I started saying that, so blame them if it's wrong, haha.

I've been talking to Jesper while typing this. And omg he's got so many opinions when it comes to me and Victor. And he seems to think I still like him, cuz he said something about some girl she met that was real cute and then he added "I shouldn't have said that, it probably made you pissed." though I didn't really care at all. However.. I told him I was with Victor yesterday, what we did and blabla.. And, well, if he would've been here he would probably have screamed it out; "He's such a coward!" He seems to be so sure he likes me, and thinks that's enough for him to make a move on me. The way he said that, and some things he said afterwords, Jesper seems to thing Victor should like.. rape me in a dark alley or something, lol. My answer to that was something about him being serious as a difference from most people. Which he took like a real insult and started rambling about how I was like.. on him and not him on me and.. Blah. Idunno. He's kind of starting to annoy me, alot.

So.. Monday.. And no school.. Exept the fact that neither my sister or mom is home it feels like it's sunday today. My sence of time is all screwed up after being at school on a saturday.
I'm off to meet Victor at 2, which means I leave from here at about 12:15. I was stupid enough to count all wrong and put my alarm an hour earlier then I should though, so.. Now it's 2 hours left till I'll leave and I've done everything I'm sopposed to. Yippe-do.. I could've slept for another hour but didn't. Ah well. Once I get home after being with Victor I've got absolutely nothing to do anyways. I mean, my laptop's broke, my brother won't bring the xbox till tomorrow and the same with the.. thingy you need to watch TV. Which probably means I'm gonna end up sleeping, quite alot. As usual. I'm thinking about taking a walk and take some photos though. I don't take photos very often nowadays and I feel like doing that.. Even though my camera is crap, but at least it's something. Or I'm gonna end up writing, or just listening to music and thinking. I dunno really, we'll see. School again tomorrow, yay. And tuesday as well, I love tuesdays. What I've got is art class, music class, lunch, P.E (which I don't actually like, at all, but still), music theory and then my singing lesson. No ordinary lessons such as maths or swedish etc.

When I woke up, at about 9, the outdoor thermometer we're got said it was -1,8 degrees. And there's nearly no clouds, aka sun outside. Omgwtfbbq? Cooold! And I have to walk 2 kilometres in that. Ah well. It won't kill me, but still. It just feels so weird how it's nearly winter already. Christmas in 5 weeks. It feels like summer just ended and school just started, but that was 3 months ago.. Time is screwed up. The last say.. 3 years have passed by so darn quickly. But yet, if I look back more then 6 months or so, it feels like ages ago. Meh.. As I said, screwed up. I hate time. Time is my only true enemy. And one of the very few things that actually scare me. I'm seriously not actually scared, frightened of many things. It's time, and one more thing. Which I'm not gonna say right now. I dunno why, don't feel like it's the time to say what that is cuz there's such a long story behind it. A story which I try not to think about.

1h45min left now. What to do? i think I'll go play some halo. Even though my headset for the xbox broke two days ago... I can hear but not talk and I hate it! I usually don't play if I can't talk but eh, whatever, I feel like killing some americans.

See y'all.. Ehm.. I guess it'll be tomorrow then.

I'm sitting here, wondering why I'm so darn tired. But I just noticed it's half 11 so I guess it's ok to be tired. I'm gonna go to bed quite soon I think.
I was reading through some posts I've written from the last.. week, I think. And omg.. I do really write everything the same way I think. It's like going back to what I've been thinking the last couple of days. It's quite freaky actually. Knowing I write like that without even thinking about it, and also, knowing that I don't mind all of you reading it. I mean, in 2 weeks I'm up to about 15 people reading this every day. I'm not quite sure why you do that, but well that's all up to you. And geez, I've only been writing this for a little more then 2 weeks. It feels like I always have... And I must say, i do have a bit more of a grip of what the hell is going on in my mind after I started writing this. And now I can actually go back and see at what points I was feeling what way, what d actually effect me one way or another? Oh well. Rambling. Like usual.

A small update about Darling and me. I was talking to him a little on msn yesterday and he randomly started saying things such as "omg I'm so confused, I don't know what to do about anything." "I thought I was so sure but now I don't know." "Kill me Darling, please just kill me to make this easy for me." etc. etc. And after trying to get him to actually say what the hell he was on about for like half an hour what he said sounded something like this;
"I thought I was still in love with you but now I don't know. I think I'm actually starting to like Ellen, she's always so nice to me..."
That's something I'm never gonna understand. How can you "fall in love" with someone for the simple reason that they're being nice to you? It reminds me of something John once said. "I don't think anyone's ever cared so much about me like you do. And I love you for that." Do you actually fall in love with that, that feeling of someone caring about you? I can't help but thinking of how that reminds me of how most relationships arn't actually love but just real good friendships. Maybe those things are connected somehow?
Ok that's not what I was sopposed to talk about but however... I don't care if he likes Ellen, honestly. The only reason I was so darn pissed about it when John said it was cuz Darling's been denying it and keeping it from me. If he were, I still have no clue if John or Darling's the one telling the truth and I will probably never find out either.. Which kind of hurts. But yeah...
I was talking to John yesterday as well (I recognize writing about this before.. Did I? Oh well I can't be bothered to check so I'll say it again if that's the case). He started rambling about this girl and blaablaa and then we started talking about Andy(Darling) and I told him why I broke up with him, he asked why I don't go back to him, I explained why, blabla.. And omg. i thought it was obvious before that John's still in love with me, but yesterday it was just.. impossible to miss. He started talking about how he really was in love with me and how he regrets being such a jerk to me and hurting me. This made me get into that I don't blame him, or well I blame him for being an ass but not breaking up with me and such. I was an idiot believing it could work. I'm 16 and he's 15 for god's sake, we can't live with seeing each others 3-4 times/year and having to wait for 2½ year before we can actually be together. But this made him say this one thing that made me realize how he's not over me.. he said that "Time's on our side. Just because it didn't work that time doesn't mean it won't work in the future."
I totally lost myself in why I just wrote all of that, but however. John so obviously still likes me but doesn't say itout loud, Knecken's denying it but I'm quite sure he does and Darling is all confused about it. I was seriously up to 5 persons fancying me for a while. What the hell? What's so special about me? I'm never actually gonna understand that. Ever. I don't like me. I'm alot more "wrong" then people seem to realize.

It's 8 o'clock, and I'm seriouslt tired already. Which is weird, cuz I actually had some sleep tonight.
The hair's done and I'm very very pleased with it. I thought for a while that it was gonna end up looking crap, but it didn't, haha. You can barely see the dye but whatever. I just used it cuz I already had it at home anyways.
I.. really don't have anything to say today. Omg? Eh. Whatever. I'll go watch some TV instead of just sitting here.

I have purple dye in my hair and am just waiting to go wash it out. I changed my hair completely today. I've needed a haircut for a while but just to like.. make it look like an actual haircut and not only hair. But I ended up doing a complete makover of some kind.
I always seem to change the way I look when I feel bad. Or when I want a change of some kind. I change my hair, cut it or dye it. Or change my clothes.. I once decided to sop wearing all black and tried to add some colors to it all, that was when I wanted to change the way I felt and think about better things. And another time I simply decided to stop trying to look different and just wear watever clothes I liked, no matter what style they would be categorized as, that was when I decided to stop being someone I'm not. I think this is just yet another of those things. Maybe not such a big one as those, but some kind of. I'm not even sure if I'm really happy with the way my hair turned out, I look kind of tomboy-ish, but I guess I'll get used to it.

Today has in general been just.. Nothing, really. I havn't done anything special, havn't thought something special, havn't been either very happy or really sad. I've just been trying to make time pass, I don't like being at home. I want to be at school, or somewhere else, around people. I used to love being alone. I used to need loneliness, sitting alone and feeling horrible, thinking about everything and nothing. But lately I just hate it. I don't want it, not even for a minute. I wouldn't mind being around friends constantly, always having someone to talk to, laugh with and just.. Be with. But that's not how it is, that's not how my life is. I'm alone at least 80% of the time, doing what I don't want to do. And for those who read all my posts yesterday you know the main reason why it's like this.
I should go was the dye out now..

I let this song and its lyrics take the place of a text right now.

4th post of the day. What did I say, huh? haha. I hope i don't like.. remove the attention from the other posts by writing this much. By writing too much so you can't be bothered to read it all. Oh well, however...

Something that've happened to me many, many times is that someone is more inportant to me then I am to that person. I feel like I'm a real good friend with someone, but to them I'm no one special really. And sence I know this've happened so many times I never actually dare to try getting closer. I never actually dare to ask people if we could do something after school cuz I'm afraid they don't wanna be with me and such. Which ends up with me sitting alone, at home, instead of being out with friends cuz I more or less just wait for them to ask me. It's just quite stupid, isn't it? I know it is.. But that's just yet another part of me. I blame it on the fact that I don't.. trust myself. I don't like myself, I don't actually see why anyone would want to be with me, even though I know I've got quite many friends and such.. But if I don't see why people would wanna be with me, then of course I don't think they want to.. And therefore what I just said happens. Like some kind of evil circle that keeps going round and round and effects itself to the worse.

Ah well. yet another typical Selene-thing that you now have the honour to know about... or something. I'm getting tired, it's nearly midnight here and i've been doing things nearly constantly today. Might be time to sleep soon.

Time.. Weird creature. My only actual enemy. I've been thinking about time alot lately. I've been in collage for 3 months already. In one way it feels like its been like this forever. In another way these 3 months feels like it've passed in a week or two.
As I've said, the last 3 months of my life have been so.. very.. full of.. things. I hope for things to start straighten out soon, to calm down and stop being so complicated.. I wanna settle down and live a more or less peaceful life for the next 2½ years till I'm done with collage and move to england. Then.. It's ok if things turn out to be a bit complicated again. I mean, wtf, moving to another country can't possibly be simple. But until then.. I could need some rest. I really do. I want to feel what I felt once before, two years ago.. Feeling that I belong somewhere. That I have friends who are just as close and inportant as family. I remember that, two years ago.. So clearly.. When I moved from the city where I had been living for all my life. Only just after I had found this happiness, this.. Home. This place where I belong. I've been feeling bad many, many times. But that must've been the worst. Moving, slipping away from them.. Not being part of that "group" anymore. Cuz I mean.. How could I be? Even though they said I were.. how could I? I wasn't part of their every day anymore. I didn't see them and join them in everything anymore. geez. this is something I try not to think about. That I've buried somwhere in the furthest part of my mind. Cuz it just hurts. I've got quite alot of those things.. Throughout all of my life I've been constantly loosing my friends. And family. I guess sooner or later you will find out more about this, but it's not time for that right now..
I quite often go all überly-sentimental, looking back at things. I always think of everything that's going on right now. And I always worry about the future. It ain't weird I mostly feel bad...

Third post today. Wow, I'm back in business. haha. or.. it could simply be cuz I've got a computer again (or well, till I go back to the flat). However. Loads of deep thingys today.. And I could say alot more actually. I'm having this discussion with John at the moment.. Might possibly say something about that later.

What I wrote in the last post was actually written by hand and now transferred here. And now when I was doing that.. It's like.. wow.. When I feel well I don't realize how I feel when I feel bad, and the other way around. But now I can remember how horribly bad I actually felt when I wrote that. Maybe I should take the time to read through all the loads and loads of different texts I've wrote the last months to see what's actually been going on in my head. Alot, I bet. Or well I know, but I'm not 100% sure what all those things actually are. Uhm.. however..

I started thinking of this yesterday.. Everything I write here is open for the whole world to read. And once it's written, it will never disappear completely. I did the mistake once, in a swedish blog I had, that i wrote things that wern't meant for some people to read. And well, of course these people ended up reading it. I had loads of shit for that, had a real hard time at school cuz people we're pushing me down for my opinions. Luckily enough though, I stand for my opinions and never changed my mind no matter how much peope hated me for it. But blabla. And also, once, that same blog was my only way to talk to some old friends who refused to talk to me, but I knew they were reading my blog. What I mean is, however.. What I write here isn't just a bunch of bullshit, it's as serious as every single thought I think. Cuz well, it more or less is the same as the thoughts I think, only just not maybe as detailed.. So for you who actually read this, and follow this.. Eventually you will know me alot better then most of my friends do. And I know that maybe there's quite alot of things I shouldn't say because it's not meant for him or her or those or blabla. But i really can't be bothered to care. people are gonna find out things that they would never find out by me saying it to them by reading this. But as I said, I can't be bothered to care. I write this for myself. Beause it makes me feel better to get the things I think out of my head for just a little while. To be honest, you should feel quite privileged to be able to read this. To read... Me.

Alot of rambling here.. Oh well. That's me. This is me.

Written tonight at about 2:30

It's about two in the morning, or even more, I'm not quite sure, when I write this. I can't sleep... For the last week I havn't been able to sleep at all. But tonight has been the worst this far. I ended up taking a walk, in the middle of the night, and just got back home. My brother's still sleeping. Didn't notice I left, didn't notice I came back. However.. I guess I'm thinking way too much, that I worry way too much. And not getting any sleep is starting to... damage(?) me. I've got this constant headache, can't think straight, can't concentrate properly.. But I don't know what I've got to worry about really? Or maybe I do. The last... 6 months or so, my life have been so damn hectic. Full of so many things, choices, emotions. Some of these things still arn't even over with. I still have things to take care of and yet there's new things coming, constantly. I seem to worry about everything. I think about loads of stuffs, constantly. I want to find the solution for everything. It honestly woulnd't surpire me if I suddenly decided to find out like.. the meaning of life or some other inpossible thing. But to be honest.. All I want is to find some kind of fucking way of making my life simple. I always seem to tyr making my life good and not simple, but I'm starting to change my mind now. Things are getting way too complicated. I wanna find my way home. I wanna be free and for once in a while not feel like this. Not feel like some kind of freak, not fitting in here, just being in the way and making things worse for the people around me. Is it honestly too much to ask for? To be allowed to live. I don't feel like I belong here. Or well, there are these few, vey short moments I would give everything to experience more often. But exept those I feel just... lost. I feel like crying right now, although I'm not quite sure why.
I just wish I could find not only a place where I can feel safe and belong, but to find myself and to find my home.

Sooo... I talked to Victor today.. And I still feel all.. I dunno really. Embarassed? Confused? Idunno. Well, among the first things he said was "I didn't think you would actually dare to say anything till like.. christmas" With other words, he already knew I liked him. Therefore the.. Feeling I don't know what word to use for. However.. His answer, or whatever to call it, was more or less "I don't know" lol. Soo.. we're now.. Dating.. or something.. I'm quite confused really. But whatever. it's over with now and it feels kind of relieving, what will happen from now.. Is inpossible to tell I guess.

A quite ironic thing.. I'm talking to Jesper on msn. he was here... 4(?) weeks ago and was with me at school at one day and after that he kept saying to me that Victor likes me. It's something about that Jesper thought Victor was looking like.. angy, or jealous, or whatever, when he saw me and jesper holding hands. However, we're talking right now and he just said to me "Hey Selene, you should make a move on Victor." and I was all like "Err.. I already have.." and then explained what I just said and blabla and Jesper seems to be quite very sure Victor's a coward and really do like me but bleh, whatever. Dunno why I said that really, I just find it quite ironic.

I'm starting to realize how I really do nothing when I'm at home. And how I don't actually want to go home. I felt this once before, about 2 years ago. That I try to avoid being at home because that's not where I'm.. happy.. or whatever. As I think I've already said, I'm not going back to my  "real" home today cuz we have this thingy at school tomorrow. And then in the evening I have to go with my family to this dinner thingy that my little sister's class is having to collect money for their schooltrip. And then I've got no school on monday, when I'm gonna go back to the flat and probably do something with Victor. (wohew, stepping outside the door for something else then school. lmao) (lmao = french cat. According to Orkra. Although it actually means laughing my ass off)
Uuuhm... So yeah.. That's what's happening right now and is about to happen. Nothing interesting really. And I've still got half an hour left of this boring lesson.. I guess it's better being here then at home though. Cuz when I'm at home, at the flat, more or less all I do is sleep.. eat.. and watch my brother play on the xbox. Quite, no very boring actually. Maybe I should start writing or something. Just to have something to do.. Ehm.. rambling.
Hooowever.. Cya all tomorrow.

I've got a 3 hours long break.. I always have this on fridays but I usually go home. Couldn't be bothered to today though. It's rainy and blabla. And I've got a computer here, not at home, haha.
I'm talking to a friend, I call her Kuwde (weird spelling of the swedish word for "pillow". Don't ask why, it's a.. weird story.). We used to talk alot before but nowadays we don't and she said earlier that she's been missing me and our very.. random.. conversations. It always makes me happy to hear such things. That people miss me.
And then Venom, a friend through xbox live, started talking to me about Darling. He asked what happened between us and was all like "I'm sorry that happened. I must say you two were really cute together. blablaaa"  It kind of annoys me.. It's not like I broke up with him because I didn't want to.
I'm still all confused about him, by the way. I talked to him on.. monday, I think, through private chat on xbox live and he was all.. Normal. It was real confusing. Or maybe not.. I don't know. I havn't talked to John sence he said all those things about Darling either. And I still really don't know who of them I should trust. I want to trust Darling, but I can't help but believing Johns version more... Oh well.. I've got nothing more to say really. I've got computer science.. thingy.. later today, so I'll probably write some more then.
Take care

I realized that I never said who this person is, even ifit doesn't matter if I say it now. Well, as I guess at least someone should've figuret out by now, it's obviously Victor. That he hadn't answered my text made me feel quite.. unconfortable. So I just sent him another one commenting this and the answer was that he didn't answer cuz it's nothing you should talk about over texts. Clever boy, I must say. I didn't like saying it through a text really, but I'm just.. well, as I've said, my confidence is on 0 and I would never have dared to say it any other way. So, however.. Yeah.. I'm gonna be all nervious for tomorrow now.

Exept that.. I was sopposed to goto the hospital yesterday but thingys happened and I ended up not going there. So I'm going there next friday instead.

Oh, and yeah.. Something quite.. fascinating, just happened. When I was going between to school to the liberary where I am right now this random guy started talking to me. He said something about liking my outfit, asked where I lived and then how old I am. I'm 16, I answered, and he was all like "Omg I'm sorry...". He obviously thought I was quite alot older then I am (he looked like.. 25, maybe). I've always been mistakened for being older then I am, when I was 13 someone thought I was 20 (that woman must've been blind though) and people usually think I'm about 2 years older then I am. But however, this havn't happened in a while now and lately I've also thought that I look quite small. I think it's after I changed my haircut.. Uhm, however. And well. 1st, I'm not used to getting flirted with and I really don't feel confortable with it. Not all. And 2nd I was surpired over how he thought I was so much older then I am.

And well that's about everything interesting that've happened today, haha. I'm not going back home but stay at the flat tomorrow (as I think I've said before, I live at one place monay-friday and at my actual home friday-monday) cuz on saturday we're having this.. I dunno what to call it.. a day at school when people who plan on starting here next year can come and everyone show up the different things you can study here. So I'm gonna be singing in the choir, playing the bass on a song we play in the ensamble and randomly walk around and advertse the music.. thingy.. (I really can't be bothered to think of good words to explain things today) And then, sence I'm gonna be at school from 9-14 on saturday I'm free on monday instead.
Blabla. I don't know what to say really. My brain is all fucked up. I've got 35 minutes left on my time here but I've got nothing to do really, no one to talk to, so I think I'll head back home soon. Not that I actually have anything to do there either.. But anyways. I've got a english test tomorrow so I better practice for that I guess. So byebye for now. I'll be back tomorrow.

I'm sopposed to be writing about a photographer right now.. But I really can't be bothered to. I can't think properly.. I told him yesterday. That I like him. Although I did it the most cowardly way existing, through a text. And he still havn't answered it.. And I so don't know how to take that and i kind of can't stop thinking about it either.
I was sitting on the bus yesterday, listening to music, when a song started that made me realize that what the hell.. What have I got to loose? Seriously? It's not like hw wouldn't wanna be my friend anymore after finding out. Right? So, with other words, it could only do good. But I dunno anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have.. Maybe it would've been better if I just kept quiet about it.. And here I go again, soubting my own actions. I seem to be so sure about what I'm doing but yet I end up thinking like this, doubting things I was sure about. Geez.. I have to learn not to do that. Stop doubting yourself Selene, stop it, STOP IT. Now!
Oh whatever.. Class is over in 5 minutes and then I have maths.. Equal listening to music and scribbling, and probably alot of thinking. Yay me. I've got a computer booked at the liberary after school so I'll probably write a bit more later.

My laptop broke, and then my stepdad fixed it.. But then it broke again. So it's probably some major breakdown. Damnit! I was feeling shit because of the dead fiancée (my laptop, with other words) cuz well.. What I do when I'm at home is more or less only being at my laptop and sometimes playing on the xbox. So now what the hell will I do? SO yesterday was just besically shit. Or well, once I got home it was. I dunno what it was, but I was having a horrible headache and I was sleeping rom like 6-8. But still I had no problem falling asleep when I actually went to bed.. But however. I realized today though that what the hell, I can surive without my laptop. I'm sitting at the liberary right now and I can sit here for 1 hour ever day if I so wanted, which I probably will. And I think I can live with that really. If, in case, my laptop won't be fixed in a while. I'm also gonna get some books (I mean hey, I'm at a liberary) to read and I decided to start writing some music. I've got a acoustic guitar at home. I can't actually play guitar very well but I can learn. So if I have time for it, I'm gonna write down some chords and go home and try to write some simple song. I always get into this very poethic(?) mood when I feel bad so I thought why not use that?

So well, however, I'm not gonna be writing like 3-4 posts eery day anymore, haha. At least not at schooldays. And tomorrow I won't be able to be on at all, cuz I have to go to a place called Halmstad to go to the hospital to check my dabetes. And I won't be on till like 6-7 sometime and I rly don't want to go to the liberary then, haha. Oh well. You'll have to learn to make it without just as much of me as you're used to *wink, wink*

I've got 42 minutes left of my hour here... I'm gonna read trough my mails and stuff and then look for some chords. See y'all on thursday I guess.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

P.S: I miss him.

I didn't get any sleep tonight.. Or well more or less no. I've been having these weird dreams and I've been waking up and falling asleep and waking up and falling asleep all night. And also I was in that stage when you don't what's real and what's dream. I remember that it felt like I was talking to someone, but on real there was no one here so I kept looking at my phone to see if anyone was texting me or something and.. Such. So howeer tongith was just bad. And now I have to get ready to go to school, gota go in 25 minutes. It takes 2 hours to get to school from here, geez.

I'm actually in my room for the first time in a week now. Or well, I'm in bed, ready to sleep but yeah.. I've barely been in my room this whole weekend cuz both the xbox and the computer I've been using is in a room just outside my room. So it's the first time I'm actually completely alone.. And I still don't like it. At nights, when I'm alone in my room, overdosing sentimental music is always the time of the day when I feel the worst. But it's school tomorrow, so i feel quite okay really. School and back to something that actually makes me feel well.

I'm overdosing these songs that makes me think about him again. Just like every other night, listeing to them over and over again and can't stop thinking about him. And thinking of that I only say him and no name I obviously mean the person I won't tell the name of.
I... I don't know.. I keep wondering if he likes me as well but I never seem to be able to make up my mind. Sometimes he does these little things which could be a sign, but I mean.. I don't actually know.  And I'm just too much of a unconfident coward to actually say anything. But then, how the hell is he gonna know? How the hell am I gonna find out if he feels the same? I can't just sit here and wait for him to possibly do something.. Can I? Or I guess I could, but that would just be such a huge gamble cuz he could just as well either not feel the same, and therefor not say anything, or be just like me and not dare to say anything either.. Oh geez. Why do I have to be such a coward sometimes? I'm just scared things will change to something worse if I say something and.. Bah! I could need a blessing of some kind. But now I have to go to sleep...

Are you really here or am I dreaming?
I can’t tell dreams from truth

To start with; My stepdad fixed my laptop. Or at least I think so. So I won't have to be without computer, wohew! Everything I had on it is gone though.. but at least it's in working order again.

I was confused yesterday, but well, that's nothing compared to today.
I texted Darling yesterday when I was at the top of being pissed with him.. And well, as I've said, he can't answer my texts. But however I talked to him today over msn. And according to him, John was lying. He denyed the fact that he likes Ellen, that he's been talking behind my back and more or less everything John said.. According to Darling, everything John said that made me so darn pissed was a lie.. So now I really really don't know who to trust. I don't want to think any of them would lie to me.. But yet I can see reasons for them both to do it.
John is so obviously still in love with me, even if he broke up with me. Which kind of gives him a reason to wanna make me dislike Darling, who after all is like one of his best friends.
And well, Darling still havn't really explained why he more or less ignored me for several weeks. And what John said about him fits in perfectly. And it wouldn't be weird if he didn't want to admit John's right, sence I got so obviously pissed with him.
I don't want to believe any of this though.. I trust them both, they both used to be the most inportant in my life so I don't want to even think the thought that any of them would actually do someting like this to me..

Exept that, I was on the phone for over an hour with my oldest friend, Linda. And one of the first things she said to me was "will you move to London with me?" and I was all like "yesyesYES!" Like you know, I will move to england as soon as I finnish collage. And having Linda with me, even if she's not planning on staying for more then maybe a year, just makes it feel more.. real. idunno how to explain it really.. It just made me feel how that is actually going to happen when she asked me that. I will actually be there, eventually. If maybe not London, but england however. Oh geez.. I'm so looking forward to it. Luckily enough, I'm starting to get comfortable with and feeling like home with the life I have here now. So it's not like before, when I was more or less living for the day I can move to england.
I'm actually starting to like my life, even though things screw up and I feel crap and don't know what to do. Something, or someone, is making me feel like home.

I can't remeber the last time I seriously hated someone. But now I do.. Darling.. That fucking idiot. I was talking to John today, my ex boyfriend and also Andys best friend, and well.. I learned quite alot of things. Darling's been falling for this girl called Ellen for quite a while now. I was feeling so horribly bad for several weeks because of her, because he was with her and not me, because I felt I was loosing Andy. And yes, from now on I'm gonna say Andy. I won't fucking say Darling anymore, I don't love him.. Not in any way. That idiot... And well, I asked him once; why do I feel like this? what the hell is going on? and all he answered was "I don't know." Well, I know better now, I know now that I was right all the time, all the way... And also, Andy's been talking behind my back. Telling John how we were slipping apart, how he was falling for Ellen and liked me less and less... Everything he should've said to me he said to John, behind my fucking back. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... I'm crying now. i don't fucking want to cry.. I didn't fucking want it to end like this. And I don't fucking want to cry over that idiot, I don't want to feel bad because of him EVER again. He's not worth it, that idiot.. Omg.. I don't think I've ever been this hurt before.. And I don't know what to say really. I'm starting to understand now why John finds it so hard trusting people. Who can you actually trust? i thought I knew him so well, and I didn't think he would ever lie to me, yet he does this to me. I better stop writing now.. It doesn't really do anything better and I just type fuck way too often.
Fucking shit. Fucking Andy. Fucking idiot..

I had this quite freaky conversation with Dougle yesterday. As I think you've all started to understand, he's the one who's been helping me the most about Darling. The one who actually made me realize what i should do. So, I was talking to him yesterday (just like more or less every other day) and I can't remember why but we however got into the subject "Darling", again. And it was like.. Idunno.. As if he was psychic, or just somply knew me so much better then he should do. (We havn't known each others for more then.. Idunno.. 3 months maybe) (And talking about him he just typed to me on msn, haha. Uhm.. however) He said things as if they came straight from myself. It was kind of creepy, haha. And well, one special thing he said.. Was something about "Well how special was it between you and Darling anyways?". I realized what I've been suspecting for quite a while... We were never in love, we were just really really good friends. My mom sometime said something about that it's hard to be friend with gouys (if you're a girl) cuz of the thing that it's hard to see the difference between being good friends and actually liking each others. And I realized that's what happened. I never felt what I know as love. What I felt was just simply how happy he made me.. But that's not the same thing.
From the so far 6 persons i've been going out with I know I was really in love with one of them. And well also I'm starting to wonder if I'm seriously falling in love with this special person right now.. It's that feeling when you can't stop thinking of this person, being away from him/her makes you fall apart completely and you would die to hear him/her tell you he/she feels the same..
I think I'm using love and going out with someone as some kind of protection. It's a proof that I'm wanted, that I'm protected... If you get what I mean? You know.. When you create the feeling of love all on your own, not when it's on real, when you can't do anything about it...
I should stop this now. Once again.

Tell me, why did I stay when you just pushed me away?
It's over now, what used to be is no more then a memory.
"Used to be"'s don't count anymore,
it's time to break through,
give up that no-longer-existing happy ending and start on new..
Will you come with me?

I'm writing this between the CoD: Word at War games for the simple reason that I feel crap at the moment. I don't know why really.. But everything and everybody just seem to be acting bad to me. And I'm so annoyed with my laptop breaking cuz this computer is SO slow and msn doesn't work on it. My stepdad's gonna look at the laptop and see if he can fix it though. But still... I'm just feeling bad and as usual I can't stop thinking of this person. I try to, I don't even want to think about him all the time... I mean, why would he like me as well? And I'm such a coward, afraid to make a fool of myself and doesn't dare to tell him or like ask if he likes me. But still... I'm playing with John, my ex, for the first time in ages. he changed, alot, and that's when it ended between us. But now he seems to be back to his normal self. And Darling's also in the game, but he doesn't really talk to me.. Exept something like this;
Me: Oh crap.. Now that I'm playing this, I'm gonna be so bad on Halo when I go back to playing it.
Darling: Well then everything is like normal, isn't it?
With other words, he's just mean.. And now another game started but I'm gonna keep writing instead of playing anyways. No one's noticing that I'm not playing sence I'm barely talking anyways. I never talk when I feel bad... I can be a game with loads of friends and be completely quiet for hours sometimes. That usually leads to people asking if I'm allright though, but yeah. I'm rambling.

I just wish I had more confidence and actually dared to say and ask people what I want. I've got several things I'd love to say right now but I just can't... espacually what I mentioned above. And knowing that it's about 2-3 months left until I stop feeling worse then usual because of my annual autumn/winter-depressions doesn't really make feel very much better. Oh well, I'm glad I have these certain persons who always make me feel well, who always cheer me up when I'm down. Darling used to be one of those, only a couple of weeks ago, but he ain't anymore.. John also used to be one of those, but that was several months ago. Geez... I'm way too sentimental sometimes. Looking back and remembering. I should stop that. But at the moment I get sentimental from thinking about the future as well so it doesn't make a difference really.
Gosh, I gotta stop this now.

Okay, so, apparently my laptop broke. According to my brother... he sent me a text saying it didnt start properly and said something about a programe missing. But wtf, I was on it before I left to school and then it was working just fine.. So well, however, there might be a risk im without computer. Ohnoez! I probably won't survive. I'm at school, having computer science right now.

Today this far have been.. Schizophrenic. Like hell. I dunno what's the matter with me really, but a little now and then I've had these like short but intense depressive feelings. But overall it've been quite good. Nothing special really. And I'm going back home over the weekend, as usual, meaning I'm gonna be geeking at the xbox more or less constantly for a couple of days. Or well, until I go back to the flat on monday morning.
Oh, an yeah, fine then Victor, I'll stop whining about you not being on, haha. And thanks for the comment, I need tha tkind of things. To hear I'm doing right and not wrong. I'm too good at doubting myself sometimes...

oh well, maybe I should actually try to do some work? well even if I say I will I probably won't, I'm gonna be on msn and listening to music all lesson just like usual but still..

I did get to play in time befoe Victor left, happy face. Not very long though, but still. It was something.
And I was playing first Halo 3 and then the Call of Duty: World at War demo with Darling earlier.. And for the first time in over 2 weeks he was acting like normal to me. The day I broke up with him. But I guess that's the reason, cuz he understood I was serious or something.. Right? Geez, ok, I'm not doubting I made the right decision, I'm not doubting. At least I try not to. Oh well.. I still don't have anything to say really and my head is all filled with this one person who won't leave me alone. So I shall now return to my Falling Slowly-overdosing and just keep thinking really.. I've got no better to do and I like dreaming away to those perfect places and moments I usually think about when I dream.

Yet another more or less brillant day. Happy face. It could get better though, if Crow (my brother) allows me to get the xbox before Victor leaves. Ah well, riday tomorrow = going home = my own 360, wohew! Constant playing, haha.
Uuuuhm what else to say.. Not much have happened really.. I bought some clothes today. Two tops and a air of jeans, and then I bought my this years christmas gift omg! Something fo my little sister. Ooooh well... I really don't have anything speicla to say today. Or well, I actually broke up with Darling today.. Like.. On real. But that's basically all thats happened today, yet it was, as I said, a really good day.
I can't really be bothered to sit here and amble some random shit no one's gonna find interesting to read anyways so this'll do for now. I might write more later.

I love this song, it's so touching.. All songs from that film, "Once", are so touching. We started watching it during english class today and I got so darn emotional haha.. I tried to ignore it though, I mean I was in the middle of the classroom for god's sake.
And by the way, I'm starting to wonder if I'm falling in love... I mean, actually falling in love. Not just what I always seem to feel when I say I'm in love, not just being happy talking to someone. I'm actually starting to feel something like.. I miss this person, all the time. I want to be with him, and when I'm with him I wish for him to talk to me, look at me, all the time... And right now.. Well yeah, as I said, I miss him. Oh geez... And I'm not gonna say who this is, no, cuz there's a risk he woud actually read it.

However, it's over between Darling and me.. I havn't talked to him, but it's still over, for me it is. I'll talk to him once he's on msn. Which could be tomorrow or in days, i don't know and I don't care, he's got himself to blame. He doesn't talk to me, and once he does he's just mean to me. That's exactly the same that happened with John.. And I won't go through that again. No way. For once in a while I will do what I know I should do at once, and not stay and fight for something I know won't help. Not again. And I will try to stay out of long distance relationships... It only seem to hurt me, no matter how wonderful it always seem to be in the beginning. It's time for me to find a home where I can stay. I've made up my mind.

Yet another quite good day. And I realized something quite.. no very good today. I felt horrible just before I left to school today and nearly stayed at home. But then I decided I wouldn't, cuz if I didn't go to school, well then I wouldn't meet the people I wanted to meet! It was over 2 years sence I felt like that the last time.. That I had friends in school that I literally longed to see, that I wanted to see bad enough that I would go to school when I actually shouldn't. I think I'm finally starting to feel like home again.. For a while I just wanted to get away from here, as quickly as possible and as far away as possible. But now I don't feel like that anymore.. I still want to go to england and see all my friends and stuff, but I don't feel bad for not being able to atm anymore.

And when I came home Dougle started talking to me straight away and in half an hour I will go on Halo 3 and play with him and Victor. And for now.. I shall keep trying to avoid being annoyed with Darling for, once again, being on xbl with Ellen but not on msn with me, eat my candy and wait for some good Halo-n00bing.
So Long sukerz.

I always seem to feel bad both in the mornings and the evenings nowadays. Or the last week I have. Which leads to that I always start the days really badly and then can't fall asleep in the evenings.. So I havn't slept properly in a week now. I know I don't feel bad only because I've been ill but also because I've been feeling cuz of all this with Darling and the autumn depression is at its worst point. But then yet again I usually feel quite good, if not really good somewhere in between these horrible moments. Right now I'm just looking forward to going to school and trying to ignore my headache. I don't start till 12 today, so I'm not leaving till 11:10 (it takes about 20 minutes to get to school and then I'm gonna eeeeat..)

All I actually have to do now is prepare the book presentation.. And then I'm gonna check what bus I have to take when I go to the hospital next wednesday (I'm a diabetic so that's why I'm going there) cuz I think I'm gonna miss my english test :S or if the test was on fridy maybe...? Ah well, I'll have to check that up haha. Oh and maybe I should take a shower aswell.. Or at least get dressed!
As I guess you can notice I don't really have anything to say. I'm more or less just waiting to go to school.
Ttyl

Dougle is the hero of the day. He helped me realize what to do, he told me things I've been thinking but ignored or pretended I never thought because I didn't want to.. "Ditch him Selene, there is better for you."
I first decided that I would wait till friday and see if anything changes, even though I knew it won't. But now I've made up my mind, I'm not going to Darling over christmas. I'm probably gonna have the time to change my mind, but I won't. I'm gonna tell him as soon as we talk again, which could just as well be on like.. friday. I don't know really. He wasn't on msn at all today. Yesterday he made me feel like everything was ok, but then today again he was with Ellen and Venom and didn't talk to me at all.
And I decided another thing was well. I'm gonna start saving up money so I can go to england and actually travel around to all the people I wanna meet, among those is Dougle and possibly Darling as well, Idunno rly, so well I'll go there on the summer holidays and be gone for maybe 3 weeks or so. Hopefully my mom will accept this... But well it's over half a year left. I'm gonna start saving money after christmas though, so I'm sure I have enough when that day comes.
And for now, I'm just very very very happy I've got Dougle, I wouldn't be able to do this, at least not this easilly if it wasn't for him *(insert heart-emoticon here)*

(And omg this is my 6th post today LMAO)

Darling is on xbox live, playing with Ellen and Venom but not on msn talking to me, again...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.

I think we're drifting apart.. And just the thought makes me want to cry. Which I can't though, because my brother is just next to me. I don't know what's happening.. I need to know what's happening. But when I try to talk to Darling he doesn't say anything. He doesn't explain, he doesn't apologize, he doesn't seem to care about me anymore..

And when the stars are shining brightly
In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish

Maybe I shouldn't go there over christmas anyways? Maybe I shouldn't be going out with him? Maybe I shouldn't be putting all energy I have left after being depressed anyways and taking care of school on being rejected by him. Maybe we've been livin in an illusion, and he just realized it before me..

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.

Maybe this is simply about to end.. The only problem is though... I love him...

... thinking of that this is my 4th post in less then 4 hours. However, I just remember that I didn't say anything about my singing lesson today... I think I did really well and was all proud of myself after the lesson was over. And my teacher gave me "Wishing you were somehow here again" from the Phantom of the Opera! Well, you people don't know how much that muscal means to me but well.. it means alot. It's thanks to that musical that I went to england that first time 3 years ago, and it's thanks to that my musical dreams started and the idea of moving to england... So yeah, it means loads to me. And I think I did really really well on it. Even though my teacher didn't seem to react as if I did it as well as she wanted me to, but I'm having those lessons to point out every little mistake I make and to sing the songs i get perfectly, not just really well. I'm starting to feel the difference from my singing lessons as well. I only started having them when I started collage, so that'd be less then 3 months ago. One thing is that I can actually feel how I.. Omg how am i sopposed to explain this? How I work properly. I'm seriously tired after singing cuz of all the work it takes. Before I just simply sang the easiest way I could.. Now I work harder and do it the way it sounds the best instead. And I really really love my singing teacher as well, she's great.

Victor still havn't come on xbox live and he's got his mobile phone turned off. Sad face. Oh well.. I do have another thing to write about, but I'm gonna save that for another day, because of the risk that someone who shouldn't find out this way will read it..

And I miss Darling. He still isn't home. Sad face yet again

I just felt like posting one of the few photos I took when I was in england on the summer holidays. This is taken on the mountains just above a little beach not at all ar away from the Lizard Point in Cornwall. Not the very best photo, but I still like it. Omg I miss england so much... But I'm (quite surely) going there again in about 1½ month so.. But still.. I never stop longing for the day I will actually live there. (Not necessarily in Cronwall but just.. england)

I just realized the american president election is today. Oh joy, we shall soon find out who will more or less rule the world lmao. No, but seriouslt, I never liked America and it annoys me how horribly much everything that happens there effect more or less the rest of the world.
But however.. I don't know why I'm typing this really, I guess I'm just bored. Victor havn't came on xbox live yet so my brother's playing fable 2. I've got no schoolwork to actually do.. Or well, I could start preparing the presentation I'll have of my book tomorrow but I don't start school till 12 tomorrow so I could just as well do that in the morning tomorrow. And I can't really be bothered to keep reading the book... I'm not in the reading mood. And Darling isn't home yet cuz he and some friends were going to some collage to have a look around today. I just want someone to talk to, blah.. And it's coooooold here. I noticed today that when I was on my way homa after school at about 3:45 it was aleady getting dark.. It's quite depressing. I don't mind it like on the christmas holidays cuz then I'm not actually out, but before school ends it's gonna be more or less dark before I even reach home after school and that's just.. as I said, quite depressing. No wonder many people gets depressed at this time of the year, many people including myself. And well also, I noticed some christmas stuffs in a display window today. It's christmas in a month and 20 days.. Omfg. Time do pass by so darn quickly it seriously freaks me out sometimes.
I still don't have anything to say rly, but I'm probably gonna type something again before bedtime. Which will, if I know myself and my brother correct, be at about midnight thinking of that both uf us start at 12 on wednesdays. However. Buhbai, again, haha.
Oh, and yeah, for you random people who read this, I wouldn't mind if you left a comment so I can see who you are and read your blogs if you have one.

Today has been just.. great! I don't know what other word to use to explain it really. And I actually don't know why really, but it've been just great. I've been with Victor and the people I've started to be with and absolutely nothing has been actually bad. I havn't been feeling too well and I nearly left school after lunch but I didn't. Pia, my singing teacher told me I shouldn't push myself to be at school though cuz then it'll probably take longer before I'm actually well again. But I don't want to miss school too much.. However, as I said today was just great. Nothing special to tell really.

I realized something today though.. It's really easy to tell how I'm feeling. Because when I feel well I talk to everything and everyone, I laugh alot and just.. ramble and.. yeah. I'm being very up and social. When I feel bad I more or less don't talk to anyone as long as they don't talk to me.

And Victor is getting xbox live today :DD happiness. We're gonna be geeking on halo 3 alot.

And that's all I have to tell at the moment really. Let's end this post with the brilliant lyric to the end credit song of the game "Portal: Still Alive"

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science

we do what we must because we can
for the good of all of us except for the ones who are dead
but there's no sense crying over every mistake
you just keep on trying until you run out of cake
and the science gets done and you make a neat gun
for the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
even though you broke my heart and killed me
and torn into pieces
and threw every piece into a fire
as they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a wonderful line
and we're out of beta, we're releasing on time
so I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned for the people that are still alive

go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
maybe you'll find someone else to help you
maybe black mesa
that was a joke, haha, fat chance
anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist
look at me still talking, when there's science to do
when I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
on the people who are still alive

and believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive
While you are dying I'll be still alive
and when you're dead I'll be still alive
STILL ALIVE, still alive

It's just so.. brillian. That whole game is brilliant and really really weird.. I have to get the full game soon, I've only played the demo this far. Ah well, buhbai for the moment.

Okay, so I've actually talked to Darling now.. Or well.. At least I know a bit more now. Thanks to Cheggs he started talking to me, and apparently he's just feelng really bad lately. Apparently people have been talking behind his back and stuff at school.. I can't help but getting annoyed cuz of that. I've been trhought that, several times. It've happened to me twice that people are talking shit behind my back and I'm the last one to find out. Or well, people have been talking shit about me many many times. But I never really cared though, cuz I'm the kind of person who care about what the persons I care about thinks about me, but more or less ignore the rests opinions.
However... So he's been feeling bad because of this. That still doesn't explain why he havn't been talking to me though.. But thinking of that he just told me he's feeling crap I don't really feel like pushing him about that. And I feel kind of relieved now, knowing at least some of what's wrong. I was really feeling horrible not knowing what was going on, just seeing something wa wrong and thinking it was something that had to do with me and Darling... I thought several times that maybe I shouldn't go to him over christmas anyways. But as I've said before, I'm good at changing my opinion and I'm once agan as sure as can get that I should go there. I just have to get Darling to ask his mom if I can come first, omg, he still havn't...
Wellwell, that'll be it for today. I'm having a horrible headache and am looking forward to tomorrow. I like tuesdays, I've got more or less only good lessons. Exept the P.E.. I hate P.E, haha. But I have singing lesson tomorrow and.. Blabla. Bye.

First day at school after half term.. And today hve contained many different emotions. Mostly good ones though. I met my friends again and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm actually part of a 'group' at school (if you get what I mean? I don't know how to explain it and I can't really be bothered to either..) so generally I've been quite happy today. And then there's been these few spacial moments..

As I've said, I'm studying music. And one of the courses I'm doing is ensemble. With other words; playing in bands. My main instument is vocals but there's quite many in my class with this so at the moment we have 4 esambles, and one of them contains vocalists only. And, atm I'm playing the bass. We're doing this song and blabla when we were playing it I started inrpovising a little and I felt quite happy with it cuz it actually sounded quite good eve though I didnt really know what the hell I was doing. So, for a couple of minutes, I felt real proud of myself. But when we finished playing the song and the class was over my teacher said she thought the guitar and bass could inprovise a bit more. With other words; she didn't hear me, at all, and told me to do something I had already come up with myself. I couldn't be asked to tell her though, but still. It annoyed me quite alot.
A better thing when it comes to schoolwork... I'm taking a course in photogrophy and really likes it, it's really kwl we take photos with real cameras and develop them and stuff.. However, first, I have this photo I've taken that every time my teacher sees it he's all "omg I love that photo!" which always akes me proud. And also, there's this girl also taking this course who havn't even finnished one of the 3 tasks we've been doing now for about a month and are sopposed to be done with in about  week. (I'm nearly done with all of them, just gonna re-do one of them cuz I can get it alot better then I did) And my teacher asked me to help her! That must logically mean he thinks I'm good enough to guide her and also thinks I can actually do such thing. And that just makes me really proud lmao.

However.. I've got a headache and I'm hungryyyy like hell. But we've got no food here what so ever! My brother's off to the store to get some though. But however. I shall now send that letter for the swedish thingy to my teacher and then go play some fable 2 with Ryan. (Ohyes, yet another xbox live friend.) So long.

I've been overdosing this song for the last two days, sence Cheggs (yet another xbox live friend) sent it to me. The lyric is just.. Woah! It makes me a bit sentimental though.. And a the moment I just feel very very very lonely.. I always seem to feel very lonely as soon as I'm not talking to anyone. I finnished the letter in less then half an hour and I'm quite happy with the result. Hopefully my swedish teacher will think the same, haha.

Darling's on xbox live but not msn, again.. Oh gosh, I just think way too much. I have to stop thinking. But the thing is that he never did that before. He was always on msn to talk to me and lately he havn't. But gosh, Selene, stop it! It've been half term and all, things are going back to normal tomorrow and we'll see then if he does as well. If not.. well then it's time to start wondering. But not already. I guess. Oh gosh I'm just typing everything that shows up in my head. Which is sometimes just crap and sometimes just too many wonders. I don't seem to be sure about anything at the moment.. And once I am sure about something I seem to change that opinion. To later go back to being sure. To then possibly again change my mind. and then.. yeah, you get it. I'm very good, too good at doing that. Making my mind up about what to do and not do, what to think etc. to later on chane my mind and.. yeah..

I should go to bed now. Just gonna read a little first I think. Nighty night people. And omg I've made 6 posts in about a day and two hours. LMAO. I'm a bit depressing sometimes. Howeveeer.. School tomorrow, no more loneliness, working my ass off and.. Yeah..

Today has been more or less all about playing Fable 2 with Orkra (friend over xbox live, real name Daniel but I never call him that really) and being casually amused. I finnished the main quest today, I got a second lesbian wife and Orkra killed the other one.. o_O So yeah, today's been.. not very serious. Haha. I was soposed to be reading like all day but I havnt read more then a chapter in my book, and I now have to write that letter-thingy thinking of that it has to be handed in tomorrow. So I'm gonna start writing that as soon as I stop writing this. It shouldn't take too long.. Most thing I write seem to get better grades when I don't put too much work in them, weirdy enough. When I just ramble on about something and don't actually think about the connection in whatI write and such, cuz it seems like I get that automatically.. Uhm.. However.

I barely talked at all to Darling today eiter.. He returned from his dad. But I was playing Fable 2 with Orkra and he was playing Halo 3 and didn't seem to wanna play Fable 2 so we ended up not talking at all through the xbox. He sent me a chat invite though and, once again sounding very depressed, said he had to go cuz he had to do some homeworks.. I have a feeling something's wrong, but I don't know what and when I asked him he said it was nothing. But the thing is, the last week he's, as I've said (I think?) barely been talking to me. And the last two days, all he's said to me are these short messages where he sounds really depressed and says he have to go.. I've been more or less waiting for him to send me chat invites or such, showing signs of that he wants to talk to me, cuz I lately sometimes get the feeling that he's trying to avoid me.. But today when he send yet another of these messages I started to wonder if he might be doing the same? Maybe he's just waiting for me to talk to him as well.. I guess tomorrow I should try to start talking to him and hope that's what he wants. The thing is, as I said, that I've had the feeling he don't wanna talk to me. But maybe it's the opposite way around? Maybe.. Oh well, I don't have time for this really. I might type some more after I finnished the letter and before I go to bed. Can't stay up too late tonight though, have to be up at 6. From here, it takes me about 2 hours from when I get ut from the house to when I reach school. Luckilly, I share an apartment with my brother a 20 minues walk from school so it's only on monday mornings and friday afternoons it takes that long to get to school/home. Lol, there we go again, I always seem to find something to ramble about. Wellwell, I'll probably write more later. Bleep-Bloop on y'all.

Just something I randomly started thinking about... I know these two persons, Anna and Christopher, they were going out about.. Half a year, I think. Until Christopher broke up with Anna cuz he had been, idunno if you'd call that two-timing, but well been with another girl. And Anna was all pissed at him, did her best to avoid him and blabla. But then, about 1½ week ago, I saw them together at school, talking and laughing and huging just like before and went all "wtf?". And now, if I didnt get it all compltely wrong, they're going out again.
So, from what I think, Christophe changed his mind or whatever and went back to Anna. Who, apparently, after from what I understood more or less hated him, just simply took him back.
Is that really how us humans work? If we believe we love someone, do we really forgive them that easilly? I've never been in that situation myself so I can't tell really, but it sounds so.. Wrong, somehow. If you actually love someone I can see that you take this person back. But what the hell did (in this case) Christopher think with, doing what he did in the first place? The only logical explonation I can find is that he don't actually feel as strong for Anna as she does for him. Which will, no doubt about it, lead to that she will get hurt again.
Ah well.. The world is a weird place I must say. And even though most people say you should follow your heart, adding some logical sence sometimes do help. Well, well. I have to keep readin my book now and later today write that letter thingy to the author. Yay me..

So, it's 1AM here now.. (Yeah, sweden's one hour ahead of gbr) and I'm off to bed.. Or well, at least I've been thinking about going to bed for an hour now lol. Geez, I miss Darling so so so so so so much... He sent me a voice message over xbox live saying he had to go back to his dads, and that message was the last thing I heard of him. The thing was that he sounded real depressed.. I don't think he wanted to go back to his dads really. But well.. I miss him, and I know he's somewhere he prefer not to be. Which just makes me miss him even more.. Ah well. Last day of half term tomorrow, or today.. Or you get what I mean. And then back to school. And soon, soon I will get a proper answer from my mom if I can go to darling over christmas or not. She don't like the thought of me being away over christmas cuz she like wants all family gathered and stuff but yeah.. I don't think she's gonna say no. I'm actually quite sure she's gonna say yes. Ah well, however. Nighty night people. I'm gonna read some and then try to fall asleep without too much thinking. I havn't slept properly for 4 nights in a row now so im getting real tired.. Well well. Nighty night, again.

So.. Half term is nearly over and on monday it's back to school. This holidays has been just.. horrible really. Its been more or less all about missing Darling who I've barely spoke to at all this last week. He's been away at his dads monday-wednesday, thursday-today when he went over to Sam, a friend of his who I also know, and then he went back to his dads today. And when he's been home, well then he's mostly been playing Fable 2 (which, after playing it myself for the first time yesterday, I can kinda understand. That game is freaking amazing!) But still.. So.. For a week, we've barely been talking at all. And I miss him so so so so very much.. I just hope it'll go back to normal now when school's back. We usually talk all the time through voice conversations on msn. And oh, note to self; remind mom about ordering a new simcard for my mobile phone. Darling's texts doesnt reach me for some reason, but they reach my brother, so I figured I just have to change my simcard and it should work.

Uhm... However.. So.. I'm both looking forward to going back to school and dreading it. I know I've got loads of work in front of me. I have to write a "letter" to the author of a book I'm reading (well, I'm sopposed to be done with it ages ago, but I still have about 200 pages left.. But hey, I picked a quite complicated book of about 600 pages and most people in my class picked about 200-300 paged, easy ones. And also, I don't have to tell anyone I havnt finnished it, do I? haha. It's not like I'm gonna tell them how it ends anyways.) and I have to write that tomorrow cuz its sopposed to be handed in on monday. And then I have to start writing on this about 6 pages long paper about the medieval ages I'm sopposed to do.. And also I have a text in english on.. friday, I think? Oh, and yeah, I also have a homework in music theory for tuesday aaaand I was sopposed to practice my singing homework over the holidays as well but I've been ill all week so I havn't. Omg.. I get stressed just thinking about it. Oh however.. But as I said, I'm also looking forward to go back to school cuz that means I won't have to sit alone at home all days, I'll be at school around friends instead. Not that I actually have any real close friends at school, but there are a few people there who makes me feel alot happier then when I sit in my loneliness and feeling my annual fall-depression taking over.
Oh well, loads of rambling here, ey? lol.

Current status; Headache, missing Darling, watching boring crap on TV, chatting with Cheggs.
Blabla..

So.. This is my first blog, i was gonna say at first, but that's a lie. It's my first blog in english though. So, who am I? And well, why would you find it interesting to read what I have to say? To be honest, I don't really know lol. But however I'm gonna do this anyways.

My name is Selene. Or actually that's not what the papers say, but still, that's my name. I just turned 16 and live in sweden. So well, yeah, I'm swedish. A quite big but very very pointless country up north most known as the capital of porno, ohyes. I'm studying music at my first out of 3 years at a ordinare collage, mostly waiting for the time to go faster so that my collage years will be over and I can finally move to england, which I've wanted ever sence I first put my foot outside the aeroplane when I was in london about 3 years ago. After that, I've this far been in england once, this summer, visiting my ex boyfriend John (who, logically enough, at that time was my boyfriend. But that's a story I can't really be asked to tell right now...) and will hopefully be going there again over christmas to meet my current boyfriend and, believe it or not, fiancée, Andrew, or as I call him; Darling.

What I'm gonna write here is all the thousonds of thoughts that are constantly going through my head. Dreams, wishes, happiness, depressions, hates and probably also probably quite alot of my rambling. So, I think that'll be enough for now, I shall now press the "Save!" button and post this. And, a minute later, start typing a normal entry. Haha. Enjoy...