4th post of the day. What did I say, huh? haha. I hope i don't like.. remove the attention from the other posts by writing this much. By writing too much so you can't be bothered to read it all. Oh well, however...

Something that've happened to me many, many times is that someone is more inportant to me then I am to that person. I feel like I'm a real good friend with someone, but to them I'm no one special really. And sence I know this've happened so many times I never actually dare to try getting closer. I never actually dare to ask people if we could do something after school cuz I'm afraid they don't wanna be with me and such. Which ends up with me sitting alone, at home, instead of being out with friends cuz I more or less just wait for them to ask me. It's just quite stupid, isn't it? I know it is.. But that's just yet another part of me. I blame it on the fact that I don't.. trust myself. I don't like myself, I don't actually see why anyone would want to be with me, even though I know I've got quite many friends and such.. But if I don't see why people would wanna be with me, then of course I don't think they want to.. And therefore what I just said happens. Like some kind of evil circle that keeps going round and round and effects itself to the worse.

Ah well. yet another typical Selene-thing that you now have the honour to know about... or something. I'm getting tired, it's nearly midnight here and i've been doing things nearly constantly today. Might be time to sleep soon.

Time.. Weird creature. My only actual enemy. I've been thinking about time alot lately. I've been in collage for 3 months already. In one way it feels like its been like this forever. In another way these 3 months feels like it've passed in a week or two.
As I've said, the last 3 months of my life have been so.. very.. full of.. things. I hope for things to start straighten out soon, to calm down and stop being so complicated.. I wanna settle down and live a more or less peaceful life for the next 2½ years till I'm done with collage and move to england. Then.. It's ok if things turn out to be a bit complicated again. I mean, wtf, moving to another country can't possibly be simple. But until then.. I could need some rest. I really do. I want to feel what I felt once before, two years ago.. Feeling that I belong somewhere. That I have friends who are just as close and inportant as family. I remember that, two years ago.. So clearly.. When I moved from the city where I had been living for all my life. Only just after I had found this happiness, this.. Home. This place where I belong. I've been feeling bad many, many times. But that must've been the worst. Moving, slipping away from them.. Not being part of that "group" anymore. Cuz I mean.. How could I be? Even though they said I were.. how could I? I wasn't part of their every day anymore. I didn't see them and join them in everything anymore. geez. this is something I try not to think about. That I've buried somwhere in the furthest part of my mind. Cuz it just hurts. I've got quite alot of those things.. Throughout all of my life I've been constantly loosing my friends. And family. I guess sooner or later you will find out more about this, but it's not time for that right now..
I quite often go all überly-sentimental, looking back at things. I always think of everything that's going on right now. And I always worry about the future. It ain't weird I mostly feel bad...

Third post today. Wow, I'm back in business. haha. or.. it could simply be cuz I've got a computer again (or well, till I go back to the flat). However. Loads of deep thingys today.. And I could say alot more actually. I'm having this discussion with John at the moment.. Might possibly say something about that later.

What I wrote in the last post was actually written by hand and now transferred here. And now when I was doing that.. It's like.. wow.. When I feel well I don't realize how I feel when I feel bad, and the other way around. But now I can remember how horribly bad I actually felt when I wrote that. Maybe I should take the time to read through all the loads and loads of different texts I've wrote the last months to see what's actually been going on in my head. Alot, I bet. Or well I know, but I'm not 100% sure what all those things actually are. Uhm.. however..

I started thinking of this yesterday.. Everything I write here is open for the whole world to read. And once it's written, it will never disappear completely. I did the mistake once, in a swedish blog I had, that i wrote things that wern't meant for some people to read. And well, of course these people ended up reading it. I had loads of shit for that, had a real hard time at school cuz people we're pushing me down for my opinions. Luckily enough though, I stand for my opinions and never changed my mind no matter how much peope hated me for it. But blabla. And also, once, that same blog was my only way to talk to some old friends who refused to talk to me, but I knew they were reading my blog. What I mean is, however.. What I write here isn't just a bunch of bullshit, it's as serious as every single thought I think. Cuz well, it more or less is the same as the thoughts I think, only just not maybe as detailed.. So for you who actually read this, and follow this.. Eventually you will know me alot better then most of my friends do. And I know that maybe there's quite alot of things I shouldn't say because it's not meant for him or her or those or blabla. But i really can't be bothered to care. people are gonna find out things that they would never find out by me saying it to them by reading this. But as I said, I can't be bothered to care. I write this for myself. Beause it makes me feel better to get the things I think out of my head for just a little while. To be honest, you should feel quite privileged to be able to read this. To read... Me.

Alot of rambling here.. Oh well. That's me. This is me.

Written tonight at about 2:30

It's about two in the morning, or even more, I'm not quite sure, when I write this. I can't sleep... For the last week I havn't been able to sleep at all. But tonight has been the worst this far. I ended up taking a walk, in the middle of the night, and just got back home. My brother's still sleeping. Didn't notice I left, didn't notice I came back. However.. I guess I'm thinking way too much, that I worry way too much. And not getting any sleep is starting to... damage(?) me. I've got this constant headache, can't think straight, can't concentrate properly.. But I don't know what I've got to worry about really? Or maybe I do. The last... 6 months or so, my life have been so damn hectic. Full of so many things, choices, emotions. Some of these things still arn't even over with. I still have things to take care of and yet there's new things coming, constantly. I seem to worry about everything. I think about loads of stuffs, constantly. I want to find the solution for everything. It honestly woulnd't surpire me if I suddenly decided to find out like.. the meaning of life or some other inpossible thing. But to be honest.. All I want is to find some kind of fucking way of making my life simple. I always seem to tyr making my life good and not simple, but I'm starting to change my mind now. Things are getting way too complicated. I wanna find my way home. I wanna be free and for once in a while not feel like this. Not feel like some kind of freak, not fitting in here, just being in the way and making things worse for the people around me. Is it honestly too much to ask for? To be allowed to live. I don't feel like I belong here. Or well, there are these few, vey short moments I would give everything to experience more often. But exept those I feel just... lost. I feel like crying right now, although I'm not quite sure why.
I just wish I could find not only a place where I can feel safe and belong, but to find myself and to find my home.