I'm sitting here, wondering why I'm so darn tired. But I just noticed it's half 11 so I guess it's ok to be tired. I'm gonna go to bed quite soon I think.
I was reading through some posts I've written from the last.. week, I think. And omg.. I do really write everything the same way I think. It's like going back to what I've been thinking the last couple of days. It's quite freaky actually. Knowing I write like that without even thinking about it, and also, knowing that I don't mind all of you reading it. I mean, in 2 weeks I'm up to about 15 people reading this every day. I'm not quite sure why you do that, but well that's all up to you. And geez, I've only been writing this for a little more then 2 weeks. It feels like I always have... And I must say, i do have a bit more of a grip of what the hell is going on in my mind after I started writing this. And now I can actually go back and see at what points I was feeling what way, what d actually effect me one way or another? Oh well. Rambling. Like usual.

A small update about Darling and me. I was talking to him a little on msn yesterday and he randomly started saying things such as "omg I'm so confused, I don't know what to do about anything." "I thought I was so sure but now I don't know." "Kill me Darling, please just kill me to make this easy for me." etc. etc. And after trying to get him to actually say what the hell he was on about for like half an hour what he said sounded something like this;
"I thought I was still in love with you but now I don't know. I think I'm actually starting to like Ellen, she's always so nice to me..."
That's something I'm never gonna understand. How can you "fall in love" with someone for the simple reason that they're being nice to you? It reminds me of something John once said. "I don't think anyone's ever cared so much about me like you do. And I love you for that." Do you actually fall in love with that, that feeling of someone caring about you? I can't help but thinking of how that reminds me of how most relationships arn't actually love but just real good friendships. Maybe those things are connected somehow?
Ok that's not what I was sopposed to talk about but however... I don't care if he likes Ellen, honestly. The only reason I was so darn pissed about it when John said it was cuz Darling's been denying it and keeping it from me. If he were, I still have no clue if John or Darling's the one telling the truth and I will probably never find out either.. Which kind of hurts. But yeah...
I was talking to John yesterday as well (I recognize writing about this before.. Did I? Oh well I can't be bothered to check so I'll say it again if that's the case). He started rambling about this girl and blaablaa and then we started talking about Andy(Darling) and I told him why I broke up with him, he asked why I don't go back to him, I explained why, blabla.. And omg. i thought it was obvious before that John's still in love with me, but yesterday it was just.. impossible to miss. He started talking about how he really was in love with me and how he regrets being such a jerk to me and hurting me. This made me get into that I don't blame him, or well I blame him for being an ass but not breaking up with me and such. I was an idiot believing it could work. I'm 16 and he's 15 for god's sake, we can't live with seeing each others 3-4 times/year and having to wait for 2½ year before we can actually be together. But this made him say this one thing that made me realize how he's not over me.. he said that "Time's on our side. Just because it didn't work that time doesn't mean it won't work in the future."
I totally lost myself in why I just wrote all of that, but however. John so obviously still likes me but doesn't say itout loud, Knecken's denying it but I'm quite sure he does and Darling is all confused about it. I was seriously up to 5 persons fancying me for a while. What the hell? What's so special about me? I'm never actually gonna understand that. Ever. I don't like me. I'm alot more "wrong" then people seem to realize.

It's 8 o'clock, and I'm seriouslt tired already. Which is weird, cuz I actually had some sleep tonight.
The hair's done and I'm very very pleased with it. I thought for a while that it was gonna end up looking crap, but it didn't, haha. You can barely see the dye but whatever. I just used it cuz I already had it at home anyways.
I.. really don't have anything to say today. Omg? Eh. Whatever. I'll go watch some TV instead of just sitting here.

I have purple dye in my hair and am just waiting to go wash it out. I changed my hair completely today. I've needed a haircut for a while but just to like.. make it look like an actual haircut and not only hair. But I ended up doing a complete makover of some kind.
I always seem to change the way I look when I feel bad. Or when I want a change of some kind. I change my hair, cut it or dye it. Or change my clothes.. I once decided to sop wearing all black and tried to add some colors to it all, that was when I wanted to change the way I felt and think about better things. And another time I simply decided to stop trying to look different and just wear watever clothes I liked, no matter what style they would be categorized as, that was when I decided to stop being someone I'm not. I think this is just yet another of those things. Maybe not such a big one as those, but some kind of. I'm not even sure if I'm really happy with the way my hair turned out, I look kind of tomboy-ish, but I guess I'll get used to it.

Today has in general been just.. Nothing, really. I havn't done anything special, havn't thought something special, havn't been either very happy or really sad. I've just been trying to make time pass, I don't like being at home. I want to be at school, or somewhere else, around people. I used to love being alone. I used to need loneliness, sitting alone and feeling horrible, thinking about everything and nothing. But lately I just hate it. I don't want it, not even for a minute. I wouldn't mind being around friends constantly, always having someone to talk to, laugh with and just.. Be with. But that's not how it is, that's not how my life is. I'm alone at least 80% of the time, doing what I don't want to do. And for those who read all my posts yesterday you know the main reason why it's like this.
I should go was the dye out now..

I let this song and its lyrics take the place of a text right now.