Wednesday then.. Half of the week has more or less passed already..
Today has been.. A mist of some kind. I've been feeling quite crap. Spent all day doing my best not to think about Andy, trying not to walk around and be pissed like yesterday. I failed quite miserably with that though.. Or most of the times. Sometimes I managed to forget it for a moment and those moments were just as good as all other time I spend at school. But it's gonna take a while before I'm over this. And I'm defeneatly not looking forward to the weekend.. Because.. At schooldays I don't usually (or well, lately) talk too much to Andy anyways, but at weekends I do because then we're at msn and xbox live at the same time. And I can't talk to him.. I don't want to fall back. He's hurt me too many times already. The worst though, is that I think that he's not gonna feel sad about me not talking to me, he's just gonna be mad at me for not trusting him.. At least that's what happened after I kind of yelled at him after John told me everything. But it's my time to rest now.. I.. I've been feeling bad for way too long now. I was feeling great for about.. 2 months, a couple of months ago. But exept that I've been generally feeling bad for the last 2 years. I'm fed up with it. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to have to make big choices and stand for doing wrong again. I don't want to spend every weekend being lonely, thinking of how to clear up my life, hating everything that has to do with it and myself. I want to be able to think that I did the right thing. That Selene, you're good. I'm simply fed up with bad things. It's time I think about myself. A new year is about to come, and I hope to make next year something great. I want to change my life completely, I don't want any of what I've had in the past ever again.
An old friend of mine, Zeth, always named the new years on new year. Perhaps 2009 should be the year of "a new start".
Just some random thing I realized today.. I can't talk. But at the same time I'm damn good at talking. Or well... If someone asks me if I wanna talk because they know someothing's bothering me, I usually don't want to. Or, I don't want to talk about. I simply don't talk, I write. I seem to be good at expressing by writing, but when I talk it usually just sound like some kind of incoherent rambling. Although, everytime someone ask if I want to talk or somehow lets me know they're there for me that always makes me feel happy somehow. I don't mean any bad by not.. "accepting the offer". And sometimes, actually, just hearing there's someone willing to listen and help is enough. Knowing I'm not alone. Because that's the last thing I need right now. To end up being alone, all on my own.
And when it comes to Victor.. I don't seem to be the only one worrying. I try not to worry, not to think about it too much. I don't mind it taking time, I've got no problem with that. He's right. I've been rushing things all of my life. I never have the patience to wait more then neccesary. But maybe that's just what I need to change this shit I'm trying to get out of. To give things time. I believe.. that if you give things the right time, it'll always turn out good. If I let this with Victor take the time it needs, this will end up with something good. If I would've had the brain to give the thing with Andy less time then I did, if I would've given it the time it was worth, then we would probably still habe been friends. But it ain't always easy to do something as soon as you think it feels right. I guess that's the problem with it.
Wellwell. I'm hungry. Time to head home and eat dinner and examine the new xbox dashboard update a bit closer.
Shibby.
