Random title, but I can't be bothered to think fo something.

Writing that last part.. Was.. really hard. I nearly started crying, but managed not to. It hurts, to think back at how everything screwed up. How that.. perfect-ness I had with John just crashed into a gazillion of pieaces in no time at all. And even worse.. How much Andy used to matter to me. How he used to be my best friend. And then he.. decieved me like this. it just hurts. and it's hard. But I'm having use of this as well, so.. I see things, connections, remember things I otherwise would't have thought about. Such as that John found it real hard to trust people, and he once told me "Selene, you trust people way to easilly.." and I just denied that. But now I've realized he was right. I do trust people way to easly. It doesn't take much before I can concider a friend worth my trust, before I could tell them things I wouldn't tell someone I don't actually know..
However.. Reaching the point where this.. "story" starts to get emotional, where it actually starts to matter makes me emotional. There's a reason I usually try not to think of my past.. And this isn't even the thing in my past that makes me the most emotional.

The worst thing about getting emotional though, is that one think makes me emotional.. but then I end up being depressed over and thinking about more or less everything that's going on. So well, obviously my mind now changed direction and started thinking about Victor.
I've realized that.. I really hope he's not doing all of this for me, but that there's something in it for him as well. I never asked him to be with me just because I'm not the most happy person existing. I don't want him to be with me for that reason. I never did. I don't deny the fact that I could use somebody, and at the moment he seem to be that somebody.. But you get what I mean. I would easily choose what's good for him over what's good for me. Even if I'd logically enough prefer if those were the same thing.
I'll just.. stop writing now.

I'm not going to say much about the time I was over at John's.. What we did is quite uninportant really, it's what I felt that matters. And what happened when I left.
I, as I said, spent 10 days there. 10 amazing days. And one of the days I met Andy who I was starting to become real good friend with. I met more or less all of Johns family (or the part of it that lives in Cornwall) and well I kind of.. Felt like part of the family. Like home. I remember that I heard John's mom say to.. her sister I think, that it was great to see John happy again. He, just like me, wasn't the most happy person existing. I remember that sentence, when she said it, how happy that made me. Gosh we were really in love. At that moment, when I was there with him, in his arms.. it was like nothing mattered. I knew that it would take several months till I could see him again, but I didn't care. I knew it would be worth it. I even knew how horrible it was gonna feel once I had to leave.. But I still didn't care. I thought we could make it.
But then I had to go home..

It's seriously hard for me to write this. Because this is where things started to go seriously wrong. Where everything screwed up and my life would be followed by 3 months of some kind of illusionative happiness, just to bury how horrible I actually felt.

The first thing I felt when I came back home.. Was simply that I wasn't home. My home was no longer my home.
I ordered my own xbox just a couple of days after I came back "home". I kind of more or less bought it for the reason to talk to John.. But that wouldn't really end up being what I actually used it for.
Also, just a couple of days after I left, John's cousin from London came down and would end up staying there for the rest of the summer holidays.
Now, after I left.. John changed. He didn't talk to me even half as much as he used to, and all he said seemed to be just really mean.. I remember several things he said. He wasn't online on xbox live for 5 days once, and he didn't answer my texts, he didn't accept my chat invites. Once he actually accepted a chat invite, what he said was that he had other things to do, more inportant things. He couldn't just spend all time on me. And he didn't answer my texts or chat invites for the simple reason that taling to me made him feel bad.. He was just saying mean things, constantly. Sarcastic but mean comments, but together with everything else he said and did, and that it was all he said to me.. it just became mean. He was joking about leaving me ten times more often then he actually said he wouldn't. And over 3 weeks, I remember, he said I love you to me twice. That's less then he said it in an hour before.
With other words.. He changed. He became an ass. He just made me feel really, really bad. Every time we talked I seemed to feel horribly bad afterwords. And this is where Andy starts getting some kind of role in this whole act. My every day scedule looked something like school, feeling bad (this was long before I actually liked my new school..) - home, talking to John which made me feel bad - talking to Andy on msn which made me feel good again. Andy became the light in my life of some kind. And if it wasn't because of him, I would never have survived all this with John. I was feeling bad as it was, but if it wasn't for Andy I would've been more or less dead. Sometime during these weeks that I felt like this, between I left John and it all ended, I once had this kind of "aha"-feeling. I realized I was starting to fall for Andy, who was also becoming my best friend. But at this time I was still going out with John, and Andy was going out with this girl called Rachel. So I decided to simply bury these feelings for him, ignore them completely. And so I did.
I knew all along that me and John were.. doomed. But I still believed in this thing I had felt while being there, I still believed in this being worth fighting for. But I knew all along that was just a big lie. I knew what to do, but I just couldn't do it. That end up with John breaking up with me. After going out for a little more then 3 months.
2 days after John broke up with me, he asked Vicky out. 3 days after they started going out, Vicky broke up with him. Which made John even more miserable. At this time, I couldn't stand him. He had changed completely. He walked round feeling sorry for himself, whining about his life and at the same time acting superior. And that was about all he did.

At this time, also, I got to know Dougle, Cheggs, Orkra, Nathan and Jazzy.. People who are now quite close friends of mine over xbox live. But they don't really have much to fo with all of this, more then that they were also part of the reason i didn't fall apart completely.

About at the same time as John broke up with me, I started talking alot more to Jesper again. We were talking constantly, and after realizing we could text each others for free we also spent all days at school texting each others. And then there was this saturday when Andy went on some kind of rampage and asked more or less everyone I know if they fancy me. Among these was Jesper. And, well I guess you all know Andy nearly as good as I do now.. So, of course Andy told me everything Jesper said. And also, Andy told Jesper everything I said to him. Which.. Kind of ended up with me and Jesper going out. That was the first big mistake I did. Starting to go out with Jesper, creating some kind of feelings for him for the reason, which I later on realized, that I needed some kind of confirmation that I wasn't completely wortless. Cuz it took me over a month to realize the fact that what happened between me and John was his foult only, I never actually did anything wrong.
However.. That's where the mess started. With Andy putting me and Jesper together,

End of chapter 3. (blabla)

Once John had asked me out I was just.. walking around constantly happy. There were a few weeks left of school before the summer holidays started (here in sweden we've got our summer holiday from the middle of june to the end of august, not as in brittain) and there last weeks were just.. some kind of coma. I was constantly thinking about John, missing him, and from the texts we constantly sent to each others I kinda guess he felt the same. John was the kind of person who had loads of friends, quite popular at school, constantly being with someone, didn't like to be alone. But once he met me, that kind of changed. He stoped being with friends to be able to talk to me instead and all he seemed to care about was.. me. And I was exactly the same to him. All I cared about was John. We didn't get too much time talking though, cuz I mean.. the way we were talking was through xbox live. And the xbox was Crows.
Even before John asked me out we mentioned that maybe we should see each others sometime, more like planning to see each others ina  year or two but we still mentioned it. When we started going out, John asked his parents if he could go see me.. But he couldn't. I was ve sure I wouldn't be allowed to either, but I still asked. And after my mom thinking about it for about 2 weeks or something, she said yes. I was actually going to go to england to see John! After that.. Those.. about 2 months I had to wait, was all about.. Waiting. Some things happened during this time though.
I learned quite quckly that John finds it really difficult to trust people. He hated every time I mentioned another guy, which I did quite alot cuz I after all started to get some more friends then him over xbox live. I think.. Ryan and Ben, aka Speedking, were the ones I was closest to. But John was still the only one that actually mattered. But however.. I couldn't mention being in a game with either Ryan or Speed without John getting incredebly jealous. And this was all.. really.. hard. He was constantly thinking I was gonna leave him, he didn't see what he had that all other guys don't have.. He said he trust me, but he didn't trust these guys. And I was actually feeling quite bad over him more or less keeping me from talking to friends. I couldn't even mention anything I've done with any of them.
Once the summer holiday started I had quite alot of things to do. I spent a couple of days at my friend Linda's house, and then I was at my aunt's in stockholm (it's quite far away from here) working as a babysitter for my cousin and just.. visiting.
Just before I left to my aunt's I started getting closer to Ryan. He wanted to talk to me all the time, we played quite alot of games together and stuff. Then I left to my aunt's and were gone for nearly 2 weeks. During the time I was there, Ryan was on msn nearly constantly to talk to me. He was barely on the xbox at all, cuz he prefered to stay talking to me. During these weeks I and Ryan got alot closer and I started wondering if he liked me. So, I asked him. And yes.. he did.
Once I got home, there was about 2 weeks left till I was going to Johns. I did the mistake of telling John about Ryan fancying me, and this made John more or less.. Hate Ryan. At this time, John was also a bit jealous at Andy because he thought Andy fancied me as well. Andy denied that though. But well.. John seemed to think everyone fancied me at that time.

Something I remember really well was the about 5 last days before I went to Johns. Andy's xbox was broken, Ryan was constantly on msn to talk to me and Jesper was away somewhere but had brought his laptop. So, it was me, ryan, jesper, andy and usually also ryans little brother who had these group conversations on msn. And I really miss that.. It was real fun and that's where I started getting close to people on real. I would also, later on, learn the fact that it was about then Jesper started to like me. (Jesper is, btw,the only swedish person I know over xbox live who I actually talk to.)

Then the day came, and I left to go see John. Omg I was so nervous! John had been nervous for like a month but I had been really calm about it, but I remember when I was on the plane.. that feeling was.. new. I was going to see John for the first time, I was going to england for the 2nd time and I was traveling all alone outside sweden for the first time ever. But once I got there.. it just klicked. John was really nervous for all the 5 hour carjourney from heathrow to John's, who live in Cornwall. But I felt real calm once I actually met him.. I was rambling on like normal, talking about everything.. And me being so calm seemed to calm him down so it was all just fine.
I remember so perfectly what I felt when we reached his house. The moment I stepped into his house, or even more when I stepped into his room, I felt like.. home. And that's what I would feel throughout all those 10 days I spend with him. Those days turned out to be among the best days i've ever experienced.

End of chapter 2. (to be continued. *dramatic music*)

When I returned to the house yesterday I'd got two packaged with clothes I've ordered, so I took some photos of them today and I kind of like this one so I thought I'd post it here.
As you can see, we've got snow here in sweden. And yesterday it was about -6 degrees! Dunno hwo cold it is right now but yeah.. yesterday was.. really cold.
I'm alone at home and will be till about 18 today. My sister's at my dads and mom, Patric (my stepdad) and Crow is at some kind of meeting.. thingy.. up in gotheburg and will be away all day. So it's just me and the dogs. Who I, thanks for reminding myself, have to take for a walk soon.
Apart from that there's kind of.. Nothing going on really. I failed with not talking to Andy.. or well, we've been talking over messages at xbox live. Which isn't really talking, cuz it takes ages to type a message that way. But yeah... And he seem to have understood that he's just been hurting me cuz he joined my party earlier, but left as soon as he noticed I was there. With other words: He don't want to talk to me either now. Which is good, it just makes it alot easier for me. it do annoy me that he can do that so easily though. it just proves how darn little I actually mean to him, if he stops talking to me without protest.
And also.. While talking about Andy.. I was in a game with Ross, aka Venom earlier. He's a friend of mine and Andy (over xbox live) and we're in the same clan on Halo 3. However... Ross said something like this;  "Have you heard Pudding talking behing my back? I'm not mentioning any names, but someone's said he have." And there I just.. OMG'd. I havn't heard Andy talking behind Ross' back, but he's been talking behind my back.. And apparently someone else's as well. Which just even more proves that I'm right, no matter how many times Andy denies it. It's.. really relieving I must say. And I'm starting to get over thos whole being mad at Andy thing. I can think about him and even hear his voice without flipping completely. Depends on what he say though, but however.
Oh and yeah.. Something that happened yesterday that I found quite.. amusing. A bit unconfortable, but amusing. I think I've told you that Cheggs fancied me not too long ago? However, if I didn't say that, he did. He's been.. nearly going out with this girl named Rachel for a while now and he's been all madly in love and stuff. And I've been helping him all along, talking to him if he needs someone to talk to and such. Cuz they live quite far away from each others and Rach still havn't actually said yes to going out yet and blabla. However, I was talking to Cheggs about Rach yesterday and he told me he thinks she's starting to like someone else. Cuz she talks less to him and doesn't say I love you back when he said and such. Awe talked about this for a while, cuz I mean.. That's pretty much the same thing that happened with me and Andy. Only alot worse. But however. And then, maybe 20 minutes before I left, Cheggs said "hey Selene.. I think I like you. It's like that time when I fancied you.. But alot more." and later he said "if things doesn't work out for me and Rach, or you and Victor.. Will you go out with me?" Soo.. he more or less asked me out. And I really didn't know what to say. it was a bit freaky. He's a real good friend of mine and we're quite close but I've never liked him like that. And also, no way I'm getting into a long distance relationship again.
Oh and yeah, I think Ross kind of asked me out today as well. Ever sence I showed him a photo of me he's been all obsessed and constantly saying how hot I am and giving me compliments and stuff. And today he asked me if I'm single, and when I said yes he said something.. that omg I can't remember what he said. However, I think he kind of asked me out. Gwargh. What is it with british people and wanting to go out with me? Why must it be so hard for a guy to be just friend with a girl? it's kind of annoying sometimes, I must say.

Ah well, I gotta takecare of the dogs now. I'll keep writing my story.. thingy, later.
Shibby.