Ok I'm writing way too much today, I know.. but I just keep remembering things to say.
When I went on the xbox earlier I had 3 voicemessages from Venom rambling something about that he've deleted Andy from his friendslist, that he's an ass and.. something something, rambling about that he really likes me and I'm cool. I don't always get that guy, he seems to have some kind of fetich for telling people what he likes about them..
Anyways. I was in his Halo 3 game today as well, and then he was talking about Andy, saying shit about Venom and some of his friends. And then I also heard him say "Everything screwed up once him and Turkle met". Turkle is aka Ellen. And that just.. made me kind of happy. I'm not alone thinking Andy is an ass, I'm not alone hating Andy and Ellen together.. Etc. that just felt quite good somehow.
Venom is, btw, a really cool guy. I'm starting to become better friend with him and such. He seem to think I'm a pretty close friend and such, he told me about some problems he has with his girlfriend and let me tell him what I think about it and.. stuff. I like that guy.

I think I'm gonna go watch some TV now. I'm not feeling too well and writing does't really make me think less...

Is all of this just making things.. worse? Or simply bad? I never wanted anyone to feel bad because of this. I never meant.. anything really. Never meant anything else then to let him know what I feel. And now it seems like I never should've... I.. never meant to. I never meant for him to feel bad, never meant for him to spend hours and hours thinking about this, never meant to make anything complicated. I never wanted any bad. And why the hell am I sitting here right now, nearly crying? What did I actually do? I don't know, but apparently I did something wrong. Apparebtly this somehow turned into something alot more complicated then I thought. is this actually the right thing? is it actually worth it?
And why the hell am I thinking this? Me thinking like this isn't really gonna make anything better. And I really want this to end up being something good.. Geez I don't know what to think anymore really.
I'm sorry that I love you...

I've got houndreds, thousonds of thoughts circling my mind at the moment.. And I can't seem to get any kind of structure out of it.. So I just leave this song to say a little of it.

Oh and by the way.. Selene is just my internet Alias of some kind, as you know.. But it's also the name that's me. I don't see the real me in my name and unless I change my mind I'm going to actually change my name to Selene once I turn 18. And also.. I want to change my surname, cuz my surname is 1: My dads, and 2: Horribly ugly, and it's gonna be weird having that name when I move to england cuz no one's gonna be able to pronounce it. So.. I've now found who is me. And rhis surname is actually in my family so I can actually change to it, and my mom seems to be positive with me changing surname. So.. I am Selene Crawford. That's my name. That's me.

I joined my mom for a walk with the dogs earlier today. I don't usually do such things, don't usually spend random time with my mom. But when I do, we always seem to talk. We're quite similar, my mom and I, the way we thinks.. And how far we can actually think. She said once that my mind has reached nearly as far as hers, and she's after all 23 years older then me. I think most people look at me like a quite, or probably very, childish person. I usually joke around, I play way too much videogames, love Disney films.. Well I just have a quite childish personality. But I also have what I show here.. I mean, i don't think any of you reading this would call me childish really? It's like I have two different personalities. The happy, rambling, childish one that I usually show. And the deep, usually quite depressed more or less adult me. And i must say.. it's quite hard to find a good balance between these two. I usually end up using the childish one way too much to hide everything I feel, or using the deep one way too much and end up having serious depressions.

However.. While talking to my mom we end up talking about my dad. I know I havn't ever actually mentioned him, but to say it a simple way.. When my parents got divorced.. 5(?) years ago I and my siblings lived every second week at our dads, ever second week at our moms. But 3½ years ago we all stoped living at our dads, after just having troubles with it all the time.. During these 3½ years I've tried to start talking to my dad again several times but it've always just fucked up. So, I more or less havn't talked to my dad for 3½ years.
The thing is, that my new cousin had her infant baptism today. My aunt lives quite far away from here though (it's the same aunt I was over and worked as a babysitter at during the summer holidays) and I would have to take a day or two free from school to go there so i decided not to. The same did my sister and brother.
My sister is the only one of me and my siblings who actually talk to/meet my dad. She's there every second weekend, and she's there right now, coming home in a couple of hours. However, me and my mom realized that my dad obviously wasn't at the babtism sence my sister is over at his. Which brought us to that either my aunt or uncle actually talks to my dad. They're all fed up with him and all the shit he's done, how darn childish he is, just like me.
Then I started thinking about something.. I might not talk to my dad right now. But will I in the future? What I feel right now isn't that I don't want to talk to him, but that I've gota good life without him and I don't want to risk screwing anything up. To be honest, my stepdad is so much more of a dad to me then my actual dad is or ever was. But.. When I move to england, will I tell him? When/if I get married, will I invite him tot he wedding? if I get a child, will I let this child know his/her granddad? I honestly don't know. he's just.. not really a part of my life and havn't been for a long time.
Ah well. Just some random thoughts.

I won't post that text that I mentioned in the last post that I would. It was the msn conversation between me and Andy when he first told me he's falling for me, and.. I should try to leave that behind. Even though I just more or less went through a hard part of my life again.. It was quite horrible to think about how things went up, up, up to then shatter with me and Andy the same way it did with me and John.. Both of them have played such huge parts in my life and making me the one I am today.
I'm probably never gonna understand why things turned out the way they did. Either with John or Andy. I mean.. it was pretty much exactly the same thing that happened. I would never have been able to figure that out before it actually happened.. Andy and John are such different persons. Or maybe they arn't.. At least I thought they were.. are.. ehm, u get what I mean.
I really shouldn't write about this right now. I've now gone through it all again, and I actually learned alot. I even think I've got some things explained. And I realized things I have to think about, that I shouldn't fight when I know it's useless.. I just simply learned alot.

But what's the point in thinking too much about the past once you've learned what you can learn from it? The past is long gone, no one can do anything about it. Now let's focus on the present and the future, ok?
It's christmas in a month. I've neearly been to collage for a term already (only 5 more to go) and I must say it feels like things are starting to get better. So.. Now let's just wait and see what the future holds for me.

It ain't more then 10:30 when I start writing this and I just woke up.. But I decided to finnish this thing as soon as possible. I want to get it over with.. And well, also, at this time of the day, on a sunday.. There's no one online to talk to anyways so I've got no better to do, haha.

Once I started going out with Jesper I was really happy for a while. Or well.. it turned out to be about 2 weeks, before things started to mess up. But yeah.. He made me happy. We decided that he would come here over his half term (we don't call it half term here, but it's the same. A week of holiday at about the same time) which was one week before mine. He would be here a couple of days  and then I would go to his a couple of days on my half term. He was always talking to me, always telling me how much he loved me, how perfect he thought I were. He said that kind of things so much that I even ended up finding it seriously annoying. I think he was seriously in love with me.. And for a couple of days, lost in this happiness of being loved, I believed I was in love with him as well. But as you know, I later on realized that was never love. Not even the tiniest.
On the 21st of september (I don't actually remember that, I knoe it through a picture I've uploaded on this swedish site. I'm gonna post the text under that picture here once I'm done with this..) Andy started rambling about regreting that he put me and Jesper together, that he's starting to like me, how I was getting like.. inportant to him. Then he had to leave, before I actually had the chance to get things clear.
The next day we were talking on msn again, and I managed to get him to tell me more, so that I actually had everything clear, what he was on about. It was obviously what I thought it was.. He were falling for me, and it seemed to be quite serious. He was feeling seriously bad for like.. giving me away to a friend. The following week was a huge mess for me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking.. And at the same time, I constantly had Jesper "climbing" all over me. (aka acting like he had been doing sence we started going out) After a couple of days I told Andy about how I fell in love with him, about a month earlier, but decided to bury that.. But how it came back to life once he told me all of this. That's what happened.. I actually tried to keep those emotions buried.. But I couldn't. So.. what the hell was I sopposed to do? There I was.. With the person I was in love with, the person who made me happier then anyone else, telling me he love me as well. And with the person I was going out with, who was madly in love with me and would be heartbroken if I told him the truth. That I regret going out with him from the start, that I was never in love with him.. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that my more or less only true fear is to hurt the ones I love. And in this dilemma.. I had to hurt someone. I had to either hurt Jesper, alot. Or.. Hurt both Andy and myself. The thing was also.. That Jesper had already ordered the tickets to going here and I just.. couldn't tell him. This ended up with me living in some kind of lie, lying to jesper for over a month. And I and Andy.. we didn't say we were going out, but we kind of were. I started to avoid saying I love you to Jesper because I didn't want to lie, not more then neccesary.
The day when Jesper was coming here was getting closer. The about.. 2 days before he came, Andy started to act weirdly. He had said all along that he didn't mind Jesper coming here because he knew I loved him, not Jesper, but now.. It was getting really obvious that was a lie. He hated it, he really hated that Jesper was coming over. I think he was feeling seriously bad just thinking about it.. he barely spoke to me during the 5 days Jesper was over and I started to wonder if had made the wrong decision. Maybe this wasn't what was best for everyone.. Maybe it would've been just better to actually tell Jesper not to come. But what could I do about that now?
The day Jesper left I told him it didn't feel right. I broke up with him, but lying about the reason. During the days he had been there I hadn't said I love you to him even once, so he said he saw it coming.. Which kind of annoyed me. Because he had been like a leech on me during these days. i remember the first night, that was just awful. I didn't get any sleep cuz he was all over me, touching me, trying to get me to kiss him. All night! And.. yeah.. having him there wasn't bad only though, we had quite a fun time after all. But however.. I broke up with him.. And the first thing I did when I came back home was to tell Andy I had broke up with Jesper. Which was where I expected Andy to ask me out.. Which he didn't. That's where I started to worry about Andy. Having Jesper over had obviously changed Andy against me somehow, and looking back at it.. I think that's where all of this started.

But the real hell releasted about a week later. The week where I and also Andy had out half term passed. (I didn't say anything about that but things happened and blabla I never went over to Jesper's) I remember Andys words so perfectly.. "hey Darling.. I've met this girl, she's real cool and she's just like you." Already there, before I had even "met" (aka talked to) Ellen, I disliked her. I hate to be compared to other people. Because I know that I'm me, and I know me quite well, and I'm very sure there's no one else like me. And also.. The person who loved me said a girl was just like me.. Didn't that mean he could just as well love her? So.. I really didn't like Ellen even from the start.
Then I was in a game with Ellen, Andy, Venom and I guess someone else, can't remember who.. And.. Yeah, sure, Ellen was ok, we could get along with each others. But..  Seeing Ellen and Andy together was like looking at him and me together. They were acting the same to each others. Laughing, joking, being sarcasticly mean to each others.. Just like me and Andy. Only.. that they seemed to have more fun, they seemed to be a bit more happy then I and Andy did. That's where I actually started to moreor less hate Ellen.
I remember that night.. When I had left the game and I wa in my room late at night.. I put on some instrumental, sentimental music on high volume.. and I broke apart completely. I was crying for over an hour. And i didn't even actually know why.. It was just this feeling I had. The feeling that something was wrong. And as early as this, nearly a month before I actually broke up with Andy, I felt that it was what I should do. But I didn't want to give up, silly me. I thought that this is nothing.. He've just made a new friend. But then came the schooldays.. And I thought that finally, everything's back to normal.. Now he's gonna talk to me like usual again. Cuz during the half term, he barely talked to me at all. Or at least very little compared to what he used to. (anyone else then me who get some kind of déjà vu feeling here?) But school was back as normal.. And things didn't go back to normal. Andy wasn't even on msn any more. Before, he was always on msn so that we could have a voice conversation when we couldn't talk over the xbox (I share xbox with my brother on schooldays cuz we only have one TV in the flat), but through these 5 days he wasn't on a single time.
Just to add that, I think this was about the time when I actually started to get to know Victor. But back to the main thingy..
I just kept feeling that something was wrong. Then came the next weekend.. And it was an exact copy of the last one. I was in games with Andy and Ellen, felt horrible..
(I just realized that I forgot a thing.. at the 12th of october, aka about a week and a half before Jesper was over, I and Andy got engaged. And to be honest, I think that was quite serious. But then.. just a week later things would fall apart..)
Oh and yeah, I have now also reached the point where I started writing this blog.. So I don't think there's ve much left to say really.
I think it was.. about 2 weeks after I broke up with Jesper, Andy actually asked me out. Because we got into a discussion about if we were actually going out or not. I think.. 5 days later, I broke up with him. From the time when Jesper left to the day I broke up with Andy I had tried to talk to him 3 times. I tried to get an explonation. Tried to make him tell me what was going on.. But I never had a proper answer. He always answered something, and this something always made me believe him even though I actually didn't. I've learned now how that's the effect Andy's got on me. No matter what he says I seem to believe and forgive him. That's the reason I try to talk to him as little possible, because I just seem to get more and more proof that what I think about him is true and I don't want to fall back to him again.. After writing this, and reading through some old things I wrote before things started to go shit between us.. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was actually in love. But I don't know. I hope not, and I shouldn't think about that.
But yeah.. everything that's left has alrady been said here before, in normal posts.. But after I broke up with Andy I found out all these thinggs that John said, about Ellen and Andy talking behind my back.. I remember how pissed Andy was when he found out I trust John instead of him and yelled at me, telling me he wasn't in love with Ellen. That's the first time I trusted him when I shouldn't have. Then Ryan said all these things, and that day when I was so pissed I could've killed someone.. Then that day when Andy said he think he's falling in love with Ellen and.. Blabla. You know the story. And I guess.. That's The End.