Dougle is the hero of the day. He helped me realize what to do, he told me things I've been thinking but ignored or pretended I never thought because I didn't want to.. "Ditch him Selene, there is better for you."
I first decided that I would wait till friday and see if anything changes, even though I knew it won't. But now I've made up my mind, I'm not going to Darling over christmas. I'm probably gonna have the time to change my mind, but I won't. I'm gonna tell him as soon as we talk again, which could just as well be on like.. friday. I don't know really. He wasn't on msn at all today. Yesterday he made me feel like everything was ok, but then today again he was with Ellen and Venom and didn't talk to me at all.
And I decided another thing was well. I'm gonna start saving up money so I can go to england and actually travel around to all the people I wanna meet, among those is Dougle and possibly Darling as well, Idunno rly, so well I'll go there on the summer holidays and be gone for maybe 3 weeks or so. Hopefully my mom will accept this... But well it's over half a year left. I'm gonna start saving money after christmas though, so I'm sure I have enough when that day comes.
And for now, I'm just very very very happy I've got Dougle, I wouldn't be able to do this, at least not this easilly if it wasn't for him *(insert heart-emoticon here)*

(And omg this is my 6th post today LMAO)

Darling is on xbox live, playing with Ellen and Venom but not on msn talking to me, again...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.

I think we're drifting apart.. And just the thought makes me want to cry. Which I can't though, because my brother is just next to me. I don't know what's happening.. I need to know what's happening. But when I try to talk to Darling he doesn't say anything. He doesn't explain, he doesn't apologize, he doesn't seem to care about me anymore..

And when the stars are shining brightly
In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish

Maybe I shouldn't go there over christmas anyways? Maybe I shouldn't be going out with him? Maybe I shouldn't be putting all energy I have left after being depressed anyways and taking care of school on being rejected by him. Maybe we've been livin in an illusion, and he just realized it before me..

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.

Maybe this is simply about to end.. The only problem is though... I love him...

... thinking of that this is my 4th post in less then 4 hours. However, I just remember that I didn't say anything about my singing lesson today... I think I did really well and was all proud of myself after the lesson was over. And my teacher gave me "Wishing you were somehow here again" from the Phantom of the Opera! Well, you people don't know how much that muscal means to me but well.. it means alot. It's thanks to that musical that I went to england that first time 3 years ago, and it's thanks to that my musical dreams started and the idea of moving to england... So yeah, it means loads to me. And I think I did really really well on it. Even though my teacher didn't seem to react as if I did it as well as she wanted me to, but I'm having those lessons to point out every little mistake I make and to sing the songs i get perfectly, not just really well. I'm starting to feel the difference from my singing lessons as well. I only started having them when I started collage, so that'd be less then 3 months ago. One thing is that I can actually feel how I.. Omg how am i sopposed to explain this? How I work properly. I'm seriously tired after singing cuz of all the work it takes. Before I just simply sang the easiest way I could.. Now I work harder and do it the way it sounds the best instead. And I really really love my singing teacher as well, she's great.

Victor still havn't come on xbox live and he's got his mobile phone turned off. Sad face. Oh well.. I do have another thing to write about, but I'm gonna save that for another day, because of the risk that someone who shouldn't find out this way will read it..

And I miss Darling. He still isn't home. Sad face yet again

I just felt like posting one of the few photos I took when I was in england on the summer holidays. This is taken on the mountains just above a little beach not at all ar away from the Lizard Point in Cornwall. Not the very best photo, but I still like it. Omg I miss england so much... But I'm (quite surely) going there again in about 1½ month so.. But still.. I never stop longing for the day I will actually live there. (Not necessarily in Cronwall but just.. england)

I just realized the american president election is today. Oh joy, we shall soon find out who will more or less rule the world lmao. No, but seriouslt, I never liked America and it annoys me how horribly much everything that happens there effect more or less the rest of the world.
But however.. I don't know why I'm typing this really, I guess I'm just bored. Victor havn't came on xbox live yet so my brother's playing fable 2. I've got no schoolwork to actually do.. Or well, I could start preparing the presentation I'll have of my book tomorrow but I don't start school till 12 tomorrow so I could just as well do that in the morning tomorrow. And I can't really be bothered to keep reading the book... I'm not in the reading mood. And Darling isn't home yet cuz he and some friends were going to some collage to have a look around today. I just want someone to talk to, blah.. And it's coooooold here. I noticed today that when I was on my way homa after school at about 3:45 it was aleady getting dark.. It's quite depressing. I don't mind it like on the christmas holidays cuz then I'm not actually out, but before school ends it's gonna be more or less dark before I even reach home after school and that's just.. as I said, quite depressing. No wonder many people gets depressed at this time of the year, many people including myself. And well also, I noticed some christmas stuffs in a display window today. It's christmas in a month and 20 days.. Omfg. Time do pass by so darn quickly it seriously freaks me out sometimes.
I still don't have anything to say rly, but I'm probably gonna type something again before bedtime. Which will, if I know myself and my brother correct, be at about midnight thinking of that both uf us start at 12 on wednesdays. However. Buhbai, again, haha.
Oh, and yeah, for you random people who read this, I wouldn't mind if you left a comment so I can see who you are and read your blogs if you have one.

Today has been just.. great! I don't know what other word to use to explain it really. And I actually don't know why really, but it've been just great. I've been with Victor and the people I've started to be with and absolutely nothing has been actually bad. I havn't been feeling too well and I nearly left school after lunch but I didn't. Pia, my singing teacher told me I shouldn't push myself to be at school though cuz then it'll probably take longer before I'm actually well again. But I don't want to miss school too much.. However, as I said today was just great. Nothing special to tell really.

I realized something today though.. It's really easy to tell how I'm feeling. Because when I feel well I talk to everything and everyone, I laugh alot and just.. ramble and.. yeah. I'm being very up and social. When I feel bad I more or less don't talk to anyone as long as they don't talk to me.

And Victor is getting xbox live today :DD happiness. We're gonna be geeking on halo 3 alot.

And that's all I have to tell at the moment really. Let's end this post with the brilliant lyric to the end credit song of the game "Portal: Still Alive"

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science

we do what we must because we can
for the good of all of us except for the ones who are dead
but there's no sense crying over every mistake
you just keep on trying until you run out of cake
and the science gets done and you make a neat gun
for the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
even though you broke my heart and killed me
and torn into pieces
and threw every piece into a fire
as they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a wonderful line
and we're out of beta, we're releasing on time
so I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned for the people that are still alive

go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
maybe you'll find someone else to help you
maybe black mesa
that was a joke, haha, fat chance
anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist
look at me still talking, when there's science to do
when I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
on the people who are still alive

and believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive
While you are dying I'll be still alive
and when you're dead I'll be still alive
STILL ALIVE, still alive

It's just so.. brillian. That whole game is brilliant and really really weird.. I have to get the full game soon, I've only played the demo this far. Ah well, buhbai for the moment.