I can't remeber the last time I seriously hated someone. But now I do.. Darling.. That fucking idiot. I was talking to John today, my ex boyfriend and also Andys best friend, and well.. I learned quite alot of things. Darling's been falling for this girl called Ellen for quite a while now. I was feeling so horribly bad for several weeks because of her, because he was with her and not me, because I felt I was loosing Andy. And yes, from now on I'm gonna say Andy. I won't fucking say Darling anymore, I don't love him.. Not in any way. That idiot... And well, I asked him once; why do I feel like this? what the hell is going on? and all he answered was "I don't know." Well, I know better now, I know now that I was right all the time, all the way... And also, Andy's been talking behind my back. Telling John how we were slipping apart, how he was falling for Ellen and liked me less and less... Everything he should've said to me he said to John, behind my fucking back. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... I'm crying now. i don't fucking want to cry.. I didn't fucking want it to end like this. And I don't fucking want to cry over that idiot, I don't want to feel bad because of him EVER again. He's not worth it, that idiot.. Omg.. I don't think I've ever been this hurt before.. And I don't know what to say really. I'm starting to understand now why John finds it so hard trusting people. Who can you actually trust? i thought I knew him so well, and I didn't think he would ever lie to me, yet he does this to me. I better stop writing now.. It doesn't really do anything better and I just type fuck way too often.
Fucking shit. Fucking Andy. Fucking idiot..

I had this quite freaky conversation with Dougle yesterday. As I think you've all started to understand, he's the one who's been helping me the most about Darling. The one who actually made me realize what i should do. So, I was talking to him yesterday (just like more or less every other day) and I can't remember why but we however got into the subject "Darling", again. And it was like.. Idunno.. As if he was psychic, or just somply knew me so much better then he should do. (We havn't known each others for more then.. Idunno.. 3 months maybe) (And talking about him he just typed to me on msn, haha. Uhm.. however) He said things as if they came straight from myself. It was kind of creepy, haha. And well, one special thing he said.. Was something about "Well how special was it between you and Darling anyways?". I realized what I've been suspecting for quite a while... We were never in love, we were just really really good friends. My mom sometime said something about that it's hard to be friend with gouys (if you're a girl) cuz of the thing that it's hard to see the difference between being good friends and actually liking each others. And I realized that's what happened. I never felt what I know as love. What I felt was just simply how happy he made me.. But that's not the same thing.
From the so far 6 persons i've been going out with I know I was really in love with one of them. And well also I'm starting to wonder if I'm seriously falling in love with this special person right now.. It's that feeling when you can't stop thinking of this person, being away from him/her makes you fall apart completely and you would die to hear him/her tell you he/she feels the same..
I think I'm using love and going out with someone as some kind of protection. It's a proof that I'm wanted, that I'm protected... If you get what I mean? You know.. When you create the feeling of love all on your own, not when it's on real, when you can't do anything about it...
I should stop this now. Once again.

Tell me, why did I stay when you just pushed me away?
It's over now, what used to be is no more then a memory.
"Used to be"'s don't count anymore,
it's time to break through,
give up that no-longer-existing happy ending and start on new..
Will you come with me?