I've spent about 20 minutes putting on makeup (I usually spend like 2-3), I've spent like 10 minutes on my hair (usually.. none. lol), I've got the dress on, shoes chosen.. All I gotta do now is pack my bag with what I need to bring.
Oh, yer, I never said anything about that but Victor asked me yesterday if  I wanted to come with him to this party-thingy he was going to. I obviously said yes. So.. no being home, without friends, being casually depressed on new year this year! And I'll see Victor! Appyness! (it's a new word.. I'm gonna start saying appy instead of happy. I blame Cheggs' misspellings on that)
So... I'm off in about 25 minutes. I've got nothing to say really... I'll cya'll tomorrow. happy new year and.. don't get too drunk! lmao.

Nicholas says (19:42):
ARRRGGHHH:@
[ Selene Crawford ] Where can I hide from all of these feelings I keep inside? says (19:43):
may i ask "now what?"
Nicholas says (19:43):
i cant stay angry tat you
[ Selene Crawford ] Where can I hide from all of these feelings I keep inside? says (19:43):
possibly cuz i only mean good 4 u?
Nicholas says (19:43):
which is annoying

and yes i guess
Just a small part of a quite long conversation I had with Cheggs earlier, and the conclusion of yet another fight we had.
I seem to be the "victim" every time he's annoyed or pissed or whatever. And I don't really like that, but I also realized that
apart from the fact that he should be flipping and tellin the person being mean to him off instead of going to me, I'm the best option. I can handle him flipping on me and in the end I always seem to have helped him. And I'm doing it again ain't I? I don't like it, but as I said it's the best option for him and therefore all of a sudden I don't mind? I really shouldn't be doing that to myself. "You play the leading part of your own life". I learned that sometime, years ago.. But I never seem to be able to live after that. or well I did once, but then it ended up being too much and I hurt others caring too much about myself. And I ain't ever gonna do that ever again.

I've realized something I do very, very wrong. Every single night I make the same mistake. I isolate myself in front of the computer, headphones on, loud depressing music on, loads of thoughts... No wonder it makes me feel bad? Not always as bad as yesterday.. yesterday was just extreme and I still don't actually know what was wrong or what made me feel like that. Meh.. I've got issues. or I AM issues like my brother sometimes says lol.

Meh. I'll keep my music-overdosing now. I somehow like it, even if it makes me think. I'm weird. I've got issues.

That lyric wasn't about Andy. You're wrong. Don'r worrt, it's about something completely different.
There's this one thing that's so... bad about me. Something I cannot be bothered to change. I've been working with most of my "problems" and most of them are... gone. But this is something I cannot be bothered to put as much energy to as it's needed. And that is the fact that I never choose myself over anyone else. If I have to make a decision and one option means what's best for me and one means what's best for someone else I care about I choose what's best for te other. And also, if I find something wrong... if something makes me feel bad, but this thing makes someone else well I simply don't say anything. Or well.. this usually leads to me feeling crap over something and in the end it makes me flip and I more or less ruine thing (see the similarity to what happened when I flipped at Andy? That's exactly what happened. I didn't say anything and in the end it fucked up.)
The thing is... if I would try to do anything about this it would mean I had to start telling people what I feel. Doing the opposite of what I want to do. And I can't do that.. Telling prople to change cuz it makes me feel well, I just don't do that. So.. there that problem remains. There I keep feeling like shit cuz I cannot say anything. And yes, one of these things are going on at the moment. And it's probably gonna end up getting seriously bad... But I can't do anything about that. I won't do anything about that. It'll end up the way it will.. And I'll just sit here, watching while it happens, feeling shit about it and.. Ah whatever.

I just had this major breakdown. Everything just fell apart. I don't know how, I don't know why. But I havn't been feeling this bad in ages. It's kinda the same feeling I had back then when I was feeling so bad over Andy. I can't be bothered to care about anything. I just talked to Victor on msn and he was trying to plan the upcoming week we'll spend together. And he wanted my opinion about things.. And I just couldn't be bothered. I can nearly say I don't care at all about seeing him right now. That's how much I don't care about anything. Everything just feels horribly pointless. And now.. I better stop crying.

I bet you don't know how it feels
To be walking past your house at night
I bet you don't know how it feels
To stand outside and watch the lights

And I don't know why
I just can't seem to dry
The rain on my face
All the tears I've cried

I think of the day
When you pushed me away
What can I do when I still love you?

What can I do?
Where can I hide -
From all of these feelings I keep inside?
It's dark as can be
And you'll never see
Just what it's like to feel..
What it's like to feel unloved

I bet you don't know how it feels
When your life flashes before your eyes
I bet you don't know how it feels
The moment when you realize
That you lost all you had
All that's good - all that's bad
And everyone tells you, you should be glad
Your love for me is gone
I should be moving on
And find someone new - but I still love you

What can I do?
Where can I hide -
From all of these feelings I keep inside?
It's dark as can be
And you'll never see
Just what it's like to feel..
What it's like to feel unloved

If I could turn back time
If I could press rewind
Go back to the days when you were mine

There's something wrong with me. I feel like shit. I wouldn't mind going to bed, closing the curtains, turning of the light, putting on some depressing music and just lay there and pretend the world outside isn't existing. I won't though. If I do, that would be.. turning myself in. Accepting the fact that I'm a depressed, miserable, pathetic human being. or whatever. i really dunno anymore. I've got this "idunno" feeling. Do you know what I mean? When my mom could like ask me what I want for dinner and I'd be all whiney and "i don't knoooow..." cux everything just feelz useless and every choice turns inpossible. Or maybe it's just I who feel that. And Andy, cuz I know he's been like that a couple of times. But then again... He and I are pretty much the same.
I'm in a party on xbox livem with Daniel and Cheggs. But I'm not even wearing the headset.. They don't notice any different anyways do they? I still can't talk.
Hibernation.. But for like a year or two. Sounds like a very tempting idea. or like a coma or something?I'll stop feeling sorry for myself now. or at least I'll stop telling you that I do. I don't even know what the fuck's making me feel this way.. But I do. And I need to do something about it. But what can you do about a problem when you don't know what the problem is?I think I'll go fix the black dye. I need something to do.. Something else to think about. That, and loads of chocolate.
Wow I write too much..

My hair survived.. Wohew! And now I'm like.. platinum blonde on some places and yellow-ish blonde in like the rest. And a bit reddish in some as well, but that doesn matter cuz those parts are gonna be either purple or black before I'm done with this.
Howeverrr... I seem to be way too sensetive today. And I stil blame it on PMS. Which I really shouldn't, cuz I've been doing that for like nearly 3 weeks now. You don't have PMS for 3 weeks, lmao. But however.. My mom's working on this website and she's kinda.. really bad at that and things doesn't seem to go the way she wants and she's just generally pissed. I noticed there was a recipe for some kind of unhealthy thingy on the kitchen table and i was like "ook.. is she gonna make that? *sparkling eyes*" So I asked her why the recipe was there and she answered cuz she needed to know what to buy for it. And well.. In a genearally pissed tone. Getting annoyed with me because of that. WTF? I was like now what did I do? And well her being like that to me made me feel bad and blabla.. I hate being so damn sensitive, glargh. And right now I just feel really whiny.. And like.. Wanting to stuff myself with chocolate. Meh.. I think I'll go kill some americans on halo 3. And hopefullt I'll do well, cuz otherwise I'm probably gonna flip.

I've got the bleach in my hair at the moment.. it's been in for about 40 out of 60 minutes and I'm starting to worry lol. There's a risk I'm killing my hair completely and have to cut like an inch of. Hopefully not but there's a risk. Ah well. I'm hoping I won
t have to, but if I do it's ok by me. Kind of. Errm however... It's just me, my mom and Crow home. My stepdad's in Stockholm talking to someone about a job.. I think. So he'll be gone all day. And my sister's still at our dads. Her dads. I don't really look at him as my dad. But it's good my stepdad's away.. Cuz now I can play music from my stereo in my room loud enough to hear it out here, haha. So I've got Coldplay's album "A ruch of blood to the head" on. And when the bleach is done I'm gonna go sew a little (surpirse). And then.. Later I'll do the black dye. I think And then I'll probably do the purple tomorrow. Or later today. Blabla.
I dont have anything to say really...... so this'll be it for now, lol.

Ok so I made up my mind.. for now.. I'm too good at changing my mind. However. I'll leave the hair extensions for now and use the money I have atm to buy fabrics instead. I'm really enjoying this sewing-obsession and why not use it while it's here? When it comes to me and being creative things always seem to come in periods.. And I really hope this one will stick for a while, or like.. calm down and not be an obsession but still be here. I mean, I havn't been sewing like at all in over half a year and now I'm frustrated over being out of fabrics to make something out of lol. And well I really need more clothes as well, so... I have waaaay to little clothes and I don't even like about half of what I have.
The things I've been making these last 3 days havn't been too.. proper really. Or like the first top I made was but not the rest. It was just made out of random fabrics I had at home cuz i wanted something to do, I didnt even make patterns for them but just drew the lines directly onto the fabric, with other words; it could just as well have turned out being like way too small or not fitting at all and blabla. it didn't though, everything I've made have turned out pretty good actually. So I feel kinda proud of myself. But however I'm gonna order fabrics for two dresses and possibly something else if I've got enough money. And once I'm done with what I'm doing here right now I'm gonna sit down and scribble a bit and see if I can come up with some ideas. I like to have some finnished ideas so like.. When I have money for it I can go back to my old sketches and see if I find something I wanna make.

Apart from all of the sewing thoughts filling up my head.. I had the weirdest fight ever with Cheggs earlier. I can't exactly remember what it was all about but.. He was all überly depressed cuz I told him what I actually think about my sister. I told her she's the most shallow bitch I've ever known and she's not in love with him, she just enjoys the attention. And also I tried to make him realize he's not fucking in love with her. That've said like 20 words to each others and they just find each others fit. Love? Yeah, right. But the thing with Cheggs is.. When he gets upset, when things doesn't go his way or someone has a different opinion then him he's got zero input. I know alot more when it comes to this kind of stuff then he does and he knows it, but yet he didnt listen to me when I tried to help him. or, he listened, but he disagreed and refused to even concider the fact that I was right and there he got generally pissed with me and blocked me on msn for like 15 minutes or something. Then he unblocked me and said he was sorry, he knew I was right and blabla.. What I was trying to make him realize was that he's got nothing to be all depressed about. he didn't loose anything and my sister really isn't anything to feel bad about not having. (No offence but she's... Idunno.. She's got no respect what so ever.)
But yer however.. I and Cheggs were friends again in the end. And he said something about realizing why he love me so much and blabla so I guess it's back to normal again. That's alot better then hearing him going on about my sister though.
Ah well. I'm gonna fix my hair tomorrow.. New year on wednesday, going to Gothenburg to see Linda and Victor coming with me on saturday.. 6 more days, sigh.

Ok so it's a fact now.. I'm back. Or well, back to a part of who I used to be. Slightly obsessed with the way I look.
The original plan on what to do with my hair was just simply to bleach it and get it to white, or at least near to white. Then dye my fringe purple and.. well that was it. Now... I'm bleaching it and will do the second bleach tomorrow. I'll dye my fringe pruple (or the under part of it, so it'll be like half white, half purple). I gave myself a kind of sidecut yeterday, cutting the already quite short right side of my head shorter. I'll dye that shorter hair black and then the though is that, apart from lazy days when I'm just at home, I'll be overdosing hairspray to make my hair lying on the left side of my head. And then... I had the idea of getting white, pruple andmaybe some pink extensions to make my quite short hair longer and thicker.
That's.. Kinda alot more then my original idea. I'm not sure about the extensions though cuz well.. It's about either ordering some fabric for a dress and a top I had planned to do or getting the extensions. I feel more tempted to get the extensions at the moment though... But I'll wait till I'm done with the rest and see what it looks like. it's just that I've wanted to try loose extensions for quite a while. I've had synthetic dreads and I've had cyberlox, but I've never had loose extensions. I've attached loose extensions to a friend once but nothing more then that....

Lol ok I just noticed I started writing this 1½ hours ago and then completely forgot about it.
I've been sewing, I made myself a like.. waist belt in PVC and I'm gonna go and made that under bust waspie/corset thingy I mentioned like 2 days ago now. I'm seriously sewing way too much lol. I'm gonna be all desperate wonce I run out of fabrics. Cuz all I've been using is just stuff I've got at home. left overs and parts from the quite huge pile of old clothes I have to use.
Ah well. Cya laterrr.

I woke up just 40 minutes ago. I woke up from this really, really strange dream... It was so strange I can't even explain it. But it was.. unpleasant. And I really wanted to wake up from it. And then when I woke up I looked at my mobile phone and saw that it was 11:30 and was like wtf? My mom usually wakes me up at 10-11 sometime. But so I left bed, got dresse, went downstairs, went back up, started the computer, went down for beakfast, went back up here... And now here I am. (wow that was just unnecessary to write but anyways) I asked my mom if we can go to the store where I can buy that memory card reader thingy today.. (I think I meantioned that? However if I didn't, I need to get one so that I won't have to use my stepdads camera when I transfer photos to this computer) and well she said maybe, but I'm hoping.. However if I don't buy it today I think I'll bother asking Patric (aka stepdad) if I can borrow his camera cuz I've got some photos I wanna edit and stuff, and also I've got more things to sew and once I'm done with those I wanna add them as well.. Uhm.. Rambling. Okay so right now I have three choices on what to do.. keep doing that pattern course, start writing on the history paper or go sew a little... Sewing obviously sounds most tempting but.. I'll start doing some history.
Oh and yay, only a week left till I see Victor again (oh geez it feels like ages)

I never actually started writing on that history paper.. I could kinda guess. Once I come up with soething useful to do instead of doing nothing I always seem to come up with something to do. In this case; I got myself a new msn. I was sick of the adress of my old one (my real name _ my surname, which I'll probably change soon) and also I was sick of all the loads and loads of junk mails I get to it lol. So I got myself a new one, and re-adding nearly all of my contacs again took aaaages! And now I'm really tired so I should go to bed soon.
My sister left to go to our granparents (she's like the only one who actually talks to them, sence she's the only one who talks to our dad) and then our dad and wont be home till like the 2nd or something. And I was talking to a guy in her class that I'm a friend with the conversation was something like this;
"Karolina's in gothenburg, isn't she?"
"Yep. She went there today."
"yeah I thought so, she was gonna go "partying" with Emelie and Felicia"
And.. well.. I kind of guess my mom doesnt know anything about that. I wonder if I should tell her or not? When it comes to me and my siblings we're all good at gossiping and telling our mom what we've heard about the others. Like.. My brother was the one who told our mom I was going out with Victor. My sister told mom I had made myself a tattoo. I told mom my sister had pierced her bellybutton (then it appeared she hadn't but I read something she wrote where she said she had so I suspect that she was gonna do it) etc. etc. and well.. Mom doesn't really mind this cuz it helps her finding out stuff we do and sneak with. But I still feel kinda stupid blabing about my sister and unmasking her thinking of how damn annoyed I get every time she does that with me. Ah well.. Whaaatever. I think I'll go to bed now. Nighty night.

I.. erm.. Today has been.. Schizo. You know what I wrote earlier. That kind of feelings didn't really continue. Or well at least not as much. I played some more Halo with Victor, Venom and a guy called Kane later on. But well I still have no working mic so I could only hear them but not answer. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear people talking about you, talking to you and not being able to answer? But I should get my new headset in like a week or so top. I had an email 3 days ago saying I would get it in 6-12 days so... Then I can go back to talking to people as usual. it feels like forever sence I was able to do that. (it's after all like.. 1½ months sence it broke or something?)
However.. I said i was gonna go sew to have something else to think about. And I did. I finnished a top I ordered the fabric for over half a year ago (geez..) and it turned out quite good. it was sopposed to be like a shirt at start, but then I was too lazy to make sleeves so it turned out being a top instead.. And now I have one more thing (a like.. fake under bust corset in PVC) that I know I'll make and then I'm sure I can come up with at least one more thing to sew out of the fabrics I have at home at the moment. I always seem to be able to come up with something. I spent like.. 3 hours maybe, making that top today. It's a good way for me to use my time. Cuz it gives me other things then life, feelings and problems to think about. And.. When I'm done, if I get a good result (which I usually do) I always go all happy face. The easiest way for me to make myself happy is to do something that makes me feel proud of myself somehow. maybe not proud but.. Eh I think you get what I mean. And then I decided I'll try to sew one thing/day so that I'll have things to do for more then a day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep that.. But I'm not sure. Cuz I mean, if I make something that takes like an hour or two to make then that's not covering very much of my spare time of the day does it? Oh and well I should keep doing that pattern making course as well.. And then (thanks for reminding me Victor) I have to write a paper about 4 different things that has to do with the medieval ages that should be done when shool starts again. Actually.. I think I'll start writing that like now. I havn't got anything to do anyways.

Oh and by the way.. it's more or less decided now that Victor will come with me to Linda (unless he sticks to what he said when we were playing halo earlier.. "Selene, if you kill me one more time I won't go to Gothenburg with you!") on the 3d and then we'll stay there till like the 5th or something, then we'll be here for like a night or two and then go to the flat and be there till school starts. That's like a week together, happy face :')
Uuuuuum... I guess I start writing that paper now then. I think I should try writing like a page/day and then it'll be nothing. Once I get started I can write a page in like 15 minutes or something. (I mean, you all know how easily I write waaaay too much here in a day lol)
oh well.

There must be something seriously wrong with me.. My mood changes for no reason, or at least it's affected by these tiny, tiny things.. I just stoped playing Halo 3. I did 3 team slayer games and the first two went really good. I did ok and my team won, I even went up a rank. But then came one came where my team did less good. i still did ok, I had the most kills in my team till the last like minute of the game and the reason I started doing worse was cuz I got so damn annoyed.. I nearly flipped, every time I died without taking someone with me I felt some weird kind of flaching feeling of being annoyed, nearly pissed. I couldn't stand things going bad. And... I never flip because of games. I've seriously flipped like once, possibly twice. Not that I actually flipped now, but I could just as well have. During the time I was playing I also had 3 invites to different parties (not actual parties but group-chat-thingys with friends) and I just ignored all of them. i didn't even wear my headset cuz I so couldn't be bothered to hear anyone's voice. I just felt like I wanted to lock myself into some dark room and not come out and talk to anyone in a month or two. And before I started playing I had this feeling that I'm useless, a nobody, no one likes me and wants anything to do with me cuz I don't do exactly what people would want me to or prefer me to do. And when I woke up this morning I felt kind of the same. Like not a shit in this world actually matters and what's the point of even being here? The worst thing is though.. That this is more or less exactly the same that I felt a year ago/a year and1-2-3 months ago. And that time was about the worst I've ever gone through. I've never felt that bad in my entire life and.. Waking up every day and having the feeling that nothing matters, in the end... You start believing that. So I really hope this isn't gonna last. I keep telling myself that it's just cuz I have PMS cuz.. I should have PMS about now, lol. But knwoing myself and.. That kind of things, I don't usually have that at the time I should and.. I've been blaming my mood on that for over a week now so I kinda think that's not it. But then the question is.. What's actually the problem? Cuz I so don't want to live in that, not again, not any more.. Sure, it havn't been this extreme more then today. it's been bad for a couple of days but not this extreme till now but.. If you knew what this feel slike you would understand why I'm sitting here and nearly crying over the fact that I might be going back to what used to be. I don't want that to happen. The depressed, self destructive, quite selfish me I used to be isn't a person you'd wanna know. There's a reason I once managed to make nearly all of my friends stop talking to me.
Now.. I shall lock myself into my room (as well as I can do that.. I can't even close my door properly), play some loud mysic see if I can find something to sew. That makes me focus on something else, and I really really need that. Can't this fucking holiday just be over soon?

In like.. I think.. may-june sometime, when I bought my overlock, I also bought this full internet course in creating your own sewing patterns, and it cost like.. I can't even remember but.. i think.. about £400 or something. So it's like a full course, proper one, really good actually. it contains tests and you get a like diploma thingy that shows you're educated in this when you're done. But however.. Out of the 20 parts of it, until today I had finnished 3 of them! In over half a year! Shame on me. So I've been sitting here now for like 3 hours and finnished 5 more of them. Go me! I'm actually not doing the course too properly, I'm not painting the drawing or anything but the thing is that I can't read the next part till I'm done with the one before, and I just wanna have all of them so I can use them once I need them. Like.. If I feel like sewing a pair of pants I can bring out the lesson about that and then read it through properly. But however, so I managed to pass 5 more tests in about 1½-2 hours.
And.. Well.. ok.. I don't actually have anything special to say. As a matter of fact, I don't rly have a shit to say... But I just had this urgent need of writing something. Dunno why.
I'm quite (very) bored at the moment. I'm not actually talking to anyone, not actually doing anything (I'm fed up with the course for the moment, i think 5 lessons is enough for one day lol), and.. My back hurts. Like hell. I feel like photographing a little. Or.. As a matter of fact.. I think I'll go look if I happen to have some spare textile thats big enough to actually make something with it. I'll write more laterzz..
Buhbai people. Hope your having a good christmas!

 

I've really got nothing to do I just thought I'd post some random photos from yesterday.
Just press the thumbnails and the photos will open in larger size in the same window and then it's just to press back to go back to the post, blabla.
 

 

 

 

The first two pictures are of the chihuauas I mentioned. (And hey, I didn't step on them!) The next two pictures are from mine and my stepdad's photo-war that was going on all night. The next two are random pictures of my family and the last one is of my sister as santa. :)

I havn't mentioned too much about that I mostly sew my own clothes, right? Well however, I managed to loose this tiny part of my overlock (aka a hightec sewing machine) but I found it yesterday so I'm gonna order some fabric for a dress and a top as soon as my mom transfers my money to my account :D I havn't really been in the mood to be sewing but when i found that missing part i was like "omg i wanna sew something!!11one!!!!!!1!!" lol so I sat down with a couple of magaxines with sewing patterns I have and some magazines with fabrics in and got like 5 ideas of things to make. But I only have about £45 at the moment so I'll only order the material for two things now. Idunno if I'm gonna have too much time to be sewing once school starts again anyways. Buut however.. So I'm quite happy about that.Oh and I've ordered one of those memory card thingys.. You know, a little box that can read all different kind of memory cards. I think I've said this before but at the moment I have to put my memorycard into my stepdad's camera and transfer photos to the computer that way cuz my USB wire is broken. And I can't be bothered to ask my stepdad if I can borrow his camera like every day so it's gonna be good when I get that cuz I'm really into taking photos and editing and stuff at the moment. I'm gonna edit some photos for a friend now and then I might go and take some myself. Idunno.. But however.. HAPPY FACE, my creativity's back! It's been completely deaded (I know it's not called that but I say it anyways) the last.. idunno how long.. too long. And now it's back and I'm happy :)Ah well, better start editing those photos for Sofia.

 

And talking of Selene, I miss her shitloads. I thinkabout her all the time and I just wish I was with her. I love her so much.
We've been talking about things, in the future. She told me that she was ready to give up her dream of moving to england to be with me. I told her that I might be ready to move to England with her.
The thought of that, living together with her, seeing her every day,
It's like heaven to me.

 

That's quoted from Victor's blog. Reading that always makes me smile and I just realized I should read it when I feel bad so that I'll smile instead.
It's past 1 in the morning here now. I've been playing some Halo games with Andy and now I kinda should go to bed..
But just before I go and try to sleep; Changed plans. I'm not going to Linda over New Year but after instead, when she's back home and not at her boyfriend's instead. The only thing is that the time I'm going to hers is when, if I didn't get it all wrong, Victor was planning on coming over here. Maybe he can come with me? Ah well, idunno. However.. it looks like I'm gonna end up being stuck here at home on New Year anyways. I feel really shitty about that to be honest, I would really wanna be with friends instead..
Ah well. It's the day you brittish people celebrate christmas now so Merry Christmas on you all! Hope yours will be alot better then mine.

 

xoxo

Today has been.. the most schizofrenic (that probably wasn't spelled right) day ever. I've been depressed, hyper, happy, nearly crying, stressed, tired.. etc. I've had time to be seriously annoyed with my grandmom three times, my sister a thousond times.. I ended up being the one helping mom carrying in and out all the food so I was well tired there for a while. The scariest thing today though, was that I nearly took my mom's glass of schnaps and drakt it. I dunno why.. or well. I was feeling crap and I was like "oh geez just make it go awayyyy!" I didn't though. And if I would've I would probably have hated myself afterwords. I'm as much of a teetotaller as can get. (omg what's wrong with me? I've felt like both smoking and drinking the last month. im a horrible person)
My head just deaded... I have absolutely no idea what to write. I think I'll go take a shower. Or just go to sleep. Geez, it's 9 and I could already go to sleep and actually... sleep. I don't actually know what's been so horribly bad with today, but it have been. And like everything seems to make me miss Victor even more. Oh and btw, we've been going out for a month today. Yay us or something lol. it somehow feels so much longer cuz I can't think of what it was actually like before that. When I try to think about it I'm just all like "how the hell did I even make it without him?" geez I love that guy.
Blargh. I don't even know why or what I'm trying to write anymore.

So, family's here now. 15 people, our 3 dogs and 2 chihuauas. I'm so gonna accedentaly step on one of them before then day's over. And well.. I'm already annoyed. Seriously annoyed. I usually can't stand being with my grandmother (the "real" one) for more then like two hours or so. But now.. She was here for about 3 minutes before she managed to annoy me and now I kinda feel like locking myself in my room and either cry a little or break something. I think I've got pms so everything I feels gets alot more intense lol and that together with me being so sensetive anyways atm... Geez. I hope the day will get better and not worse. I have a feeling it won't though.
I'll update y'all later. Let's cross our fingers that update will be alot better then this one...
( I WANNA BE WITH VICTOR, argh.. I'm flipping.)

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

I'm listening to Celtic Woman (an amazing group of singers doing, obviously, celtic-ish songs) and quoting 3 doors down lyrics.. Strange mixture.

However.. I'm more or less just waiting for my grandmothers (yes, I have two. or well, my grandma's got a wife so i guess that makes them two) and my stepdad's sister and her family to come. When they've come we're gonna open up presents and then eat and blabla... I feel quite neautral at the moment. A bit down, but mostly neutral. Could be cuz I'm sitting here all isolated, alone in a corner with headphones covering my ears and locking all sounds apart from the music out of my head. And i just keep missing him.. I've never, ever spent christmas anywhere else then with my family. Different parts of it. Many years ago it was all family, then I was with my dad and his girlfriend and my stepsisters and usually it's just been me, my brother, my sister and my mom. So, always with family. I remember how shocked my mom was when I asked if I could go to andy over christmas. However... For the first time I feel the need of not being with my family. Legal family, that is. Cuz I mean... what you should call your family, shouldn't that be where and with who you feel like home? I think so, and my home isn't here.

 

Okay.. the most unexpected, greatest thing ever just happened.. It started out with me sitting by them computer talking to Cheggs on msn and having cams on as well and my sister was sitting next to me wrapping up presents. And Cheggs saw that I was talking to someone and asked if it was my sister. And then blabla, my sis and Cheggs started talking.. kind of.. with me in between. And in the end.. well now it looks like they could just as well start going out within like a week lol. And I don't seem to have to be worrying about having him following me anymore! Kinda relieving.

Ok I started writing that like an hour ago.. Or maybe more... However. My sister ended up not leaving me alone and Cheggs got like annoyed with me when I forced her to leave and blabla I was rly pissed with Cheggs there for a while and I ended up kinda yelling at him.. And then I ended up talking some serious shit with Andy as well and we went all sentimental and I we said we missed each others while we wern't talking and blabla. Ah well, my mom told me I gotta go to bed now. Christmas eve tomorrow.. And I miss Victor more then ever. Ain't that quite weird? How I've been busy with Cheggs and Andy all evening.. But it the end it's Victor I think about. Or well not weird, but fascinating somehow. I miss him so much... There's nothing I would want more then having him here with me right now.
Ah well, nighty night. And Merry christmas!

That feeling I felt last night havn't returned on all day. I still feel a bit.. disappointed though. All exept 6 of the people from my family who are coming over tomorrow (we celebrate christmas on the 24th here in sweden) are already here. There's full of presents under the tree, my mom's been cooking all day so the whole house smells of christmas food. But does that give me the slightest christmas spirit? No. I just keep seeing what's not and not what is.
I bought a dress while I was out shopping with my mom, and when I came home I tried it on a bit more properly and looked at what I could wear with it and stuff.. And when I looked at myself, quite pleased with what I could see, I just thought that.. What's the point? What reason do I actually have to get all dressed up. Meh, idunno.. I'm just rambling on as usual. I'm not feeling actually bad, just.. Lonely. But I experienced something today that I havn't actually experienced in a while now. Everyone apart from me and my mom were away cuz it's one of my stepbrother's birthday, aka Crow wasn't home so I borrowed his headset. And I was playing Halo with Daniel (aka Orkra, I'm just trying to get usued to calling him Daniel), Cheggs, Andy and some random person. And we were all hyper and rambling and just.. having fun. That used to be part of my everyday but then my headset broke and now it isn't anymore. And I realized how much I've missed that. And now I can't wait to get my headset, I ordered a new one the day before yesterday.
And well... Apart from that.. Loads of people, loads of food, loads of unhealthyness, loads of presents and.. loads of dogs (lol) tomorrow. That's quite good actually. I'm (usually) not down while I'm around people. At least not family and this is all mine and my stepdads family (so I guess they could be called my family as well? My stepdad is after all ten times more of a dad to me then my real dad is.. and that reminds me.. Maybe I should write something about my dad sometime? Tell you all what really happened and why I'm not talking to him...). It seems to be a good christmas after all. Apart from that the only thing that's missing is the only thing I would really want. To have Victor here with me.

Have you ever felt that feeling when you both despite someone and like them. This person is your friend but yet there's something.. wrong about it. I've feltit several times. I used to have a friend named Sunna. That was back when I lived in gothenburg so it's 2 years ago... But however. We became friends when I started going out with Zeth and before that... Well we never liked each others. I actually disliked her. But she was a close friend of Zeth and I was his girlfriend so we ended up becoming friends anyways. I started liking her a bit, but I still found her quite annoying and was like "why am I with her?"
What made me think of this was this thing with Victor and Cheggs. I have no idea either Victor feels like that or not but it seems like Cheggs do. I gave Victor's msn to Cheggs yesterday but before I gave it to him I was like saying hi from Victor to Cheggs and from Cheggs to VIctor and blabla. However.. When I first said to Cheggs "Victor says hi btw" he said something like "err.. ok.. what should I say?" and I was like "ehm.. Say hi back?" and his answer was "Yeeeeah but I'm in the middle of flirting with his girlfriend.. But ok say hi from me." And that made me feel a bit that.. Geez.. He really do look at it as something serious which I don't, not at all. And.. blargh. Selene, tell him off, now! (or like.. later today when I have more time, lol)

And... Idunno.. It just feels like I've been, without intension and without actually realizing, quite good at hurting Victor lately. Or idunno? It just feels like my life does bad for him somehow. I can't explain it really and I don't think there's any point in me trying to either.
I miss Victor more and more every day. And last night this calm feeling of mine crashed. I said I havn't been thinking too much, that this holiday didn't seem to turn out as horribly bad as I expected.. But last night I was just like.. Idunno... I felt so incredably lonely and I slightly felt this feeling that I've felt so many times, that everything's just hopeless. I had to do something about this frustration I felt so I put on as loud music as I could at that time (like 1 in the morning) and started cutting my hair a bit. It didn't really do a shit difference more then, obviously, that it's a bit shorter now. Cutting my hair and that kind of things seem to be the best way 4 me to get over frustrations. And then I took out this dress I had hidden. I bought it with the intension of wearing it when I was with Andy at christmas and when things screwed up I just hid it from myself. I took it out and put it on and then i also put some make up on. Yes, in the middle of the night. And then I just stared at my own reflection in the mirror for several minutes. Looking at myself and I was all like "who the hell is she anyways?". I don't seem to be anyone when I'm alone. I seem to need others to complete me. Last night was weird... And now I'm off to the stores with my mom in a couple of minutes. Gonna go put on some make up and try to hide at least a little of the tired-ness in ymface. Hide your face so the world will never find you.

 

I'm sitting here with a pretty big smile at the moment. I'm talking to Andy... And well I needed to talk to someone about the
fact that I really should do something about that.. Uhm.. Well.. Victor doesn't really like that there's several persons fancying me or actually being in love with me. I'm quite sure Cheggs is the one it's mostly about, which I can understand sence it's, as I've said, turning into a way too big thing. However.. I was talking about that with Andy and came into the subject that we're acting just like we did when we were going out again. And what does he say?  "but we are just friends now. we always were. really i think so. i agree with what u said. and we're the same so that's quite obvious lol. i guess its hard to tell difference with love and really good friendship." and him saying that.. especually the last sentence.. just made me really happy. Both because that means he's not at all upset over the fact that I broke up with him and because it so clearly shows that we were and are actually great friends. And.. idunno.. that just made me damn happy to hear.
And just as a random side note, a part from mine and Andys msn conversation...

 

We're both showing webcam. He's sitting on his bed wrapping up presents.
Andy: I hate wrapping presents. I give up now.
Me: naww lol
Andy's sitting and cuddling with his cat...
Me: You can wrap up the cat lol :D
Andy: lol that made me laugh
Me: lol go me.. I seriously wanna see you wrap the cat now lol
Andy: No. My cat.
Me: Aww sad face. And I'm a horrible, horrible person lol.
Andy: aw srry darling i would do most things but not this one
Me: sad face
Andy: aww *hug*

 

I just found that quite amusing, lol.

 

And well... I really have to tell Cheggs off, don't I? I don't want Victor to feel thretened by my friends or whatever. I love him and no one else. Sure, I can't say anything about the future, but neither can he. And well... damn me and my fear of hurting people...
And omg I miss Victor so much. And it's like..  2 weeks till I see him or something. How the hell am I gonna survive that? D:

 

I've managed to locate both my long lost rechargable batteries for my camer (There's something wrong with it so it only works with rechargable ones, or it just kills the batteries in about 3 minutes) and my long lost photoshop CD. So.. Now I've got a camera up and running and photoshop on this computer as well. And that's equal what? Me taking photos and editing, obviously I'm all happy over that. So I've been taking loads of random photos and am now entertaining myself with editing them.

I'm gonna spend tomorrow helping my mom. We're gonna go shopping like loooads of food and some other stuff at two different places, a huge food store and a huge department store.. lol. And I hate being around alot of people. However... And I'm gonna buy myself a second backage of bleach for my hair as well. And maybe some CDs if I find something interesting... And then my stepdad and siblings are off to my stepbrother's birthday party but I and mom will stay at home and do loads of cooking and stuff, yupyup. Just a random update sence I probably won't write again till tomorrow evening or something.
I shall now return to my photo-editing.

I've got a couple of points to mention... And I dunno how to put them all together into one text without it sounding way too weird so that's why I.. don't.. write them all together instead. And I blame the rambling on the fact that I just woke up and from, once again, a pretty weird dream. However..

This thing with Cheggs seem to be getting a bit too.. big? And the bad thing is.. When he flirt with me, I flirt back. Cuz I'm a overly flirty person. I'm never actually serious when I do it, but I still do, more like a fun thing. And now... Well he seem to be just waiting for me and Victor to break up so he can ask me out. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it and I ain't gonna do anything about his feelings. If he actually loves me that much I'm ok with it, it's his feelings. But idunno how good that is for him? I mean... I'm not really planning on breaking up with Victor during the nearest time. We've even been discussing things that are 2½ years into the future (the fact that I wanna move to england and he don't want me to). And Cheggs and I are really good friends. We usually talk more or less constanly on the weekends, or holidays like now. We have actually gotten closer lately, which just even more makes me.. Not want him to get hurt. (And btw I don't think I ever mentioned that Cheggs/Cheggus isn't actually his name but Nicholas. I just enver actually call him that, I call him either Cheggs or sweetie)

And when in comes to Andy... We're back to talking like usual again. More or less... exactly like usual. Which feels kinda good somehow, I've come to realize that I've actually missed him quite alot. And he do usually make me quite happy, I can't really be down or depressed while talking to him. However... But it still feels a bit wrong somehow, thinking of that it's, as I just said, more or less exactly like it was before. Apart from that we're not going out anymore, obviously. But... I'm quite sure this feeling of that it's wrong will go away. Cuz there isn't anything wrong with it. At least I don't have any plans or intentions of going back to him. Why would I? I love Victor.

I moved my moms stereo into my room yesterday and I also looted like half of her CDs. She said it was OK and she probably ain't ever gonna want them back so they're miiiiiine now, haha. And I fell asleep listening to Dilba (she's swedish so idunno if you've heard of her.. ) and my mind got hooked up with this song called 2I'm sorry". I've heard it before but now I went through the lyrics and stuff and I totally fell in love with it.

 

I painted a pircture of you
My dream was a lie
and the lie became truth
reality held it's breath too long
it's disgusting what dreams can do to you

But i'm sorry, this illusion
has caused you a lot of pain
and i have no solution
I'll try to never be back again

It's actually nearly christmas.. Idunno if that's good or not? Or well it's good, I guess...
I only wrote 2 posts yesterday, even if I'm at home and have got a computer at hand.. That must've been the first time ever, haha. I didn't do much yesterday but still I kind of did, I was overly social yesterday. I was talking to Cheggs over msn like all day, I talked to Linda on the phone altogether about 1½ hours and it looks like I'm going with her over New Year anyways. I found out it was just her and (her)Victor and possibly like 2 of his friends and maybe a girl that I know as well so it's no big deal really. i thought he would have a party or something but I was wrong. And even if people drink a little I guess I can stand that. So now I'm just waiting for my mom to make up her mind if I can go or not. And then Victor rang me and we talked for nearly 2 hours as well. Hearing his voice made me realize how much I actually miss him, even though when we talked it was only a day sence we saw each others the last time... But still. I would after all not mind never being without him. And well then I... Played some Fallout 3 and was being social with my family. Then today I've been talking to Cheggs as usual, and Andy as well... And I helped my mom making cookies (om nom nom) and later on I'm gonna help her wrap presents. Uhm.. Yep.. There isn't actually much happening at all, and I'm not feeling anything special either... It's kinda nice actually. It's not only as if I'm having a holiday from school but from feelings as well. I'm somehow all of a sudden able to let things go for a while.

Oh and I had this really weird nightmare tonight... I don't remember much, as usual, but it was me and some other people and we were being chased throughout all of the dream.. And then somewhere in the end I got cought and it appeared that the people chasing me were friends of my stepdad and one of them tried to rape me and then it ended with them getting sniped in the head... Very odd. And I realized that I actually like nightmares.. Or at least sometimes. Cuz I enjoy danger, I love action and wouldn't mind more of that happening in my life (i know there's already alot happening but I want other things then emotional problems, lol), but in a dream.. it feels real, but it doesnt really matter if you die or whatever cuz it's not actually on real. And I love that. At the same time as I don't like nightmares cuz they're kinda.. scary. But you know.. Ah geez, I so wouldn't mind someething big happening that made me have to like.. Run away to survive or whatever. it would be quite cool. And I really shouldn't think like that, huh?

I found loads of old texts, fragments of short novels and things I've written while feeling bad and being sentimental.. They're all about a year and a half old, written in swedish, but I decided to try to translate them. I know I havn't said much about that time of my life, before and after I moved from what I still sometimes concider where I feel like home and.. Stuff. And I probably ain't gonna say much about it either, but these texts should say a little about it. I ain't gonna translate them all right now, but I'll start with this one... it's a journal I started writing the first day we had moved. I didn't write much at all, but it says quite alot.. I can't even remmeber the things I wrote here but reading it I can see it clearly. However...

 "061221 19:09

Geez, today have been just so.. Gah! I woke up on a madrass on the floor, wearing yesterday's clothes to get up, go into a 95% empty kitchen with only a little bit of food in it. Yes, that's right, today is the day I moved. I can no longer say that I live in Gothenburg but do now live in Ätran. It sounds so depressing, but it's true. I can't rly make up my mind if it's something good or bad, it's.. some kind of mixture I guess. However, to pass that depressing alley on the way to the tram for the last time, go to meet Zeth. For the last time, ever. To then get to the Sa*u*ron church and meet everybody for the last time as classmates. Gosh, Sunna seemed completely devastated over this. Zeth was just naive about the future, or hiding what he felt very well, which I'm glad about. Hanna seemed completely neautral, until I was leaving.. She was all tearry and apparently she started crying once I'd left. Maria, that sweet human being was of course late to church and was waiting outside when we were done in there. She didn't show any special feelings either but I think she knows we're gonna keep talking and seeing each others and stuff. Linnéa that scary person gave me a tight hug even though we've been very cold to each others the last... 6 months."

So.. that was the last day I spent in Gothenburg, the last day before things started to screw up, big time...
I'm gonna put these in the order I wrote them, next is what was sopposed to turn into some kind of short stories but I never got too far on.

"070118

The water from the backwheel of the bike started splash up on her and made the inside of her thighs soaking. The rain never seemed to end, it had been raining constantly for nearly a month now. The road was empty, the fields and forest surrounding her was all that could be seen and every now and then a lorry passed by and created a short, intense pouring rain that soaked her even more, as if the real rain wasn't enough. The music could be heard out of her headphones, but not that it mattered anyways. No one was there to hear and she was singing along with it as well. Her eyes were covered with something that earlier that day actually looked like something else then a black, sticky mess.

The road ahead of her, never ending fields and forests. The rain water splashed up and soaked the inside of her thighs and the rain was hitting her face like needles. She closed her eyes to avoid getting the rain ruining her sight and the pain from it and when she opened them again... The sorrow was clear. The otherwise gray eyes were now shining brightly with a iceblue shade, just like always whenshe felt something special.

She closed her eyes to avoid the rain hitting them like sharp needles but were soon forced to open them again. They were shining brightly with an iceblue shade. As a difference from the differental, shining eyes her face was covered by a black mess that was sopposed to be her make up but had now ended up being everywhere it wasn't sopposed to be. But really, what did it matter? She forced herself to smile but it soon faded away again. What use was there pretending anyways?

Ideas that can't be written down is not the shit..."

That was, unless you understood that, three failed tries on getting this idea down to paper. I can't be bothered to translate any more now.. and it annoys me how damn much worse the texts sound when I translate them, they're so much better in swedish... Ah well. Byebye for now.

I bleached my hair yesterday... And I'm a blonde now! D: Or well.. Some kind of shade between blonde and dark blonde. I'm gonna bleach it once more in about a week or 2 and then overdose silvershampoo and hopefully that'll be enough to get it white.
And then.. uuum... My aunt's here, happy face I don't see her too often cuz she lives quite far away from here, the last time I saw her was half a year ago. And her kids, aka two of my cousins are here as well. One of them is only 3 months and it's the first time I see her. She's so adorable! I don't really like kids/babies, but on a distance and if they're cute, well.. Then they're ok haha.
Apart from that.. Well there isn't rly much going on. I was playing Phantasy star universe with Andy yesterday. he talked to me through the headset and I answered through msn, haha. And well... I realized that I have to choices, or possible three but well.. no, two; to keep trying to avoid him as good as possible and feel bad about missing his friendship and stuff. Or to accept the fact that he's a good friend of mine, that we have fun together and just not care about what he did and start talking to him again. I chose the second one. Idunno if that's right or wrong really, but it's the easiest way and I can't be asked to make my life more complicated then it already is. And also... What reason do I actually have not to talk to him? That he acted like a jerk, sure, but he isn't anymore. That he is after all my ex and I'm not completely over him, sure, but if I can't be friend with him without venturing mine and Victor's relationship... Well then, to say it simple, I fucking ain't worth him, in that case I'm just as much od an idiot as I though and we shouldn't be going out at all. I doubt the fact that that'll happen though. I'm not in love with Andy and as I've said I'm not too sure if I ever were. We're just really good friends and as my mom said.. It's not always easy to see the difference between strong friendship and love.

I'm gonna ring Linda and talk about new year now. I'm starting to concider not going with her cuz... Idunno... I wanna see her, I really do, but not like that.

Obviously enough I've been dreading this day. Today is the day the holidays started.. And omg today have been absolutely rubbish. It started out fine, Victor spent the night at my place and well.. How much better can a morning of mine get then waking up next to him? None, really. But then we had to get to school for the.. ending.. thingy, and... Idunno, churches, people saying goodbye, the music.. It always seems to make me sentimental easily. So while being in the church I started feeling worse, knowing the holidays were actually about to start, and you all know how I feel about the holidays... Then, afterwords, I had to go buy the christmas present for my stepdad and some stuff for my hair and.. Blergh. What the hell am I doing? I so can't be bothered to go through this awful day I've had once more. I just seem to be chased by everything.. Guess what Andy said yesterday? I was talking to him for a little moment while Crow was taking a shower. When Crow came back he said "awww, I don't wanna talk to him... I obviously wanna talk to you." That's what we used to sound like before we started going out. And I had a text from Erics brother blaming me for everything and I was all whiny and feeling like hell the last 20 minutes I spent with Victor today cuz I was stressed and stuff.. And.. geez.. Things couldn't be much worse right now. And I can't stop listening to these sentimental songs. Mostly Sarah Brightman. I havn't listened to her in ages.. It makes me sentimental but.. I mean, sentimental seem to be what makes me feel like home, doesn't it?
The sound is alot worse on this video then when I listen to the actual song but however... Listen to it, and the lyrics. It's beautiful, isn't it?

I'm having photogrophy class at the moment and I'm sopposed to edit photos... But I've already edited two of them and I can't be bothered to do another one haha... So.. I nicked this quiz thingy from tomdotkom

 

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Hmm.. I went abroad on my own for the first time

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't have any so no... And I don't think I'm gonna get any either, I never have.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My aunt did

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yep..

5. What countries did you visit?
England

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A non-complicated life. And more money. My lack of money this year have been extreme.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The 23d of may. The day John asked me to go out with him. Dunno why I remember that date really.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably my grades from the summer term. They were high enough to enter nearly any collage.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Making too many bad decisions, hurting too many people.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Uhm... I havn't rly bought anything inportant but my xbox 360 I guess?

14. Where did most of your money go?
I must say on John, haha. I bought the trip to him and then, well, if it wasnät cuz of him I wouldn't have bought the 360 either.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Uhm... uhm... I was quite excited over going to collage.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
When you're gone - Avril Lavigne. And Hero - Enrique Eglesias (I probably spelled that wrong lol )

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter?
Thinking of that I lost quite alot of weight last year.. Probably fatter.

18. Richer or poorer?
I get as much money as before, but generally I would say poorer.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Used my brain. Oh, and used my emotions to be creative... I could never be bothered to do that and i regret that.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Mistakes.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home, with like all of my mom's and stepdad's family around o_O LOADS of people D:

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Errrr... I don't really watch TV... But Stargate: Atlantis I guess.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate really..

26. What was the best book you read?
The Historian.. Or whatever it's called. Can't remember the author's name.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I... uhm... Good question... 

28. What did you want and get?
Uhm.. Nothing that I had though that I wanted before I had it really.. Not that I can think of right now.

29. What did you want and not get?
I didn't actually want anything either.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have no idea o_O wow my memory sucks.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Well I turned 16, and I didn't do a shit. We "celebrated" it a couple of days later on the weekend but that was like nothing anyways.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I wouldn't have managed to fuck things up.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Well I started off like some kind of cyber goth.. turned into some kind of semi ordinary thingy.. and it's gonna end being.. something in between semi ordinary and cyber. I guess.

34. What kept you sane?
John, Andy and Victor. The two first of them managed to make me insane as well though.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Errr.. Jason Mamoa?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really havn't cared about politics at all lately. Shame on me.

37. Who did you miss?
Waaay too many persons D:

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met loads of new people this year.. and I mean LOADS. I can't say who's the best, they've all meant alot at different points.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
That sometimes it's the best to follow your emotions and completely ignore whatever your brain tells you, but sometimes you really need to use the brain as well. And I have to learn to see the difference, when to use which,

 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
A mixture between these two;
I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you
Screwed it up
You never listened
That's just too bad
Because I'm moving on
I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great! 
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

Class is over in about 5 minutes now... Today's the last actual day of school and.. Geez. I really hate this. I'll cya'll tomorrow when I get home, when the holiday's started...

The only reason I actually go to the liberary nowadays seem to be that I don't want to go home. Today is an even more extreme case of that.
I guess i seemed to be in quite a bad mood yesterday? I was. Yesterday was such a horrible day... I mentioned Andy in that post but he wasn't actually more then just a tiny part of it. The actual reason's named Eric. I've never mentioned him, and I ain't gonna tell you who he is or what's happened either. As I've said before; some things arn't made to be said out loud.
But however... At the same times as things are great, most things are... Really crap at the moment. Everything just seems to turn out just the way I didn't want them to. And as if that wasn't enough... the holidays start in two days. And that's equal having to be home for.. well at least 1-2 weeks and I also have to be without Victor for 3 weeks. And being without him for that long, right now.. I must say things couldn't get very much worse. He's what keeps me smiling, the reason I don't just lay down and let myself starve to death right now. And what doesn't really make things better... Is that I know I feel this alot stornger then he does. He ain't gonna have very much of a problem being without me for a couple of weeks, while I would do anything not to. And well that's probably what it's always gonna be like. He means more to me then I do to him.. And hopefully I'll eventually get over that. Cuz right now it just kind of hurts me but yer.. I should stop writing now. Writing always makes me think more.

My brother's going home tomorrow but I'll stay till friday, so.. Victor's gonne be spending the night with me. Happy face. And then on friday shool's out and I'm heading home as well.. Christmas in a week.. New year in two weeks.. And oh, right I have to talk to mom about joining Linda for new year. I realized the fact that Linda's the only person there I know and she's probably gonna pay all her attention to her boyfriend. And like everyone's probably gonna be drinking, including Linda.. So I reeeeally don't know if it's gonna be alot better then being at home.. It might even be worse. But what other options do I have? It's my only way of seeing Linda the nearest.. Long time, and it's from what I know the only place I can go to over new year to get away from home..
Oh for fuck's sake this holiday is doomed, it's gonna be just horrible and I know it. Merry Christmas Selene, Merry fucking Christmas...

I don't seem to be able to do anything right, don't I? I can't seem to stay out of trouble, complications. I can't seem to keep everything simple. Whatever I do, no matter how good things are, they always seem to screw up or at least get complicated.. No matter what it's about.
I would've been crying right now if it wasn't cuz of the fact that I'm in school. If it wasn't cuz of the fact that I'm doing all I can not to.
I don't know... I don't know about anything. Nothing seems to be good at the moment, Everything seem to screw up, and even if they don't... It's always something. I have too many feelings, I move on and bury things way too fast, I make decisions without concidering  the consequences. And now here I am. Happier then ever, but worse then in quite a while. I've got my mind made up but yet I'm as confused as can get. And Samuel Osborne Barber's "Adagio for strings" filling my mind doesn't make things better. It's a masterpiece, but it's sad. I always seem to listen to depressing, sad music when I feel bad, which makes me feel even more bad, instead of listening to something happy to get over the sadness. I guess I do feel like home in my depressions after all. They seem to be a part of me. And I hate it. I want to get out of this.
But above all... I have to fix this.
I don't love him, but I'm not over him either. He still somehow feels like my best friend, but yet he's my arch enemy. And whatever I have to do... I don't seem to be able to do it on my own.
I should go eat now... But all hunger I felt before just disappeared. How can someone say I'm good, I'm worthy or whatever good shit about me... When all I tend to do is destroy things around me?
I remember the time when I several times a week heard that I'm destructive, back then I didn't agree with them. Now I do. But oh god please don't let me go back to who I was back then...

It's said that time heals all hearts. I remeber so many times when I've been in the middle of some shit and I've just though that "no for fuck's sake, it won't ever get better...." but you know what? It always does. Time do heal hearts. But... Lately I've realized that it's only part true. Just letting something go, forgetting it and moving on isn't 100% possible without actually working with it. Lately I've started to think loads and loads about things that's happened in my past. More or less all of my life have been flashing before my eyes the last week or so. And it's making me feel crap. I don't know why? Maybe because christmas is coming up and this time of the year, last year was a horrible time... Maybe not. I really don't know. All I know is that I seem to think about all the shitI've been going through, every single mistake I've ever made. And that's quite alot more then most people thinks it is. How come that doesn't show then? How come most people seem to think I'm a quite.. proper person? Because I've learned from my mistakes. I've never done the same mistake or misstep twice. Never, ever.
Last night Victor was on about how I should love myself and put myself over everyone and everything. I was tired and couldn't be bothered to bring up a discusson about it, but well, to say it the easy way; I didn't agree with him. I've never been looking brightly at myself. I never actually loved myself, or well the few times I have... It's been because I've hidden myself under the way I look. By dressing oddly, by getting loads of these little wannabe kids looking up to me. That's the only reason people's been looking up to me (as far as I know) and also the only reason I've ever felt that I could be... respected. But then I stoped that and now I kind of, more or less or at least compared to back then look quite normal.
So... I've never actually heard that I'm good. I've been bullied, I know loads of people who've more or less hated me, I've had several people being.. well... my enemies. And also... How can I love myself when I know myself so well? When I'm the only one who knows every single thing I've ever done wrong.
And above all... I don't think I'll ever be able to love myself before I actually know who I am. And at the moment I just... simply don't. I have no idea who I am, what I want or whatever purpose I actually have. In my eyes I'm quite useless.

A little more then a year ago I had this period where I constantly needed to change the way I look. If I didn't do anything to change it (came up with a new make up, changed my hair, got some new clothes and such) that made me feel seriously bad. I got fed up with myself and constantly needed changing. This ended up with me being obsessed with my hair, in half a year I had.. 8 or 9 different kinds of hair I think. Then I managed to bleach it too much and my hair cied completely. And now... Well I realized the fact that having hair that looks different does quite alot. I started to miss having bright read überly backkombed hair and I'm getting tired of having my ordinary brown haircolor. So I'm thinking about, or well I'm quite sure I will, change my haircolor again. And i can actually bleach it without problem now cuz at least 90% of my hair isn't even part of the hair I killed cuz I've cut it all off. And well yeah... I'm getting tired of seeing my face, looking the same every day. And i'm getting tired of seeing myself wearing the same clothes every day. I'm just.. Getting tired of myself again. And I really hate this. I wonder if it's got anything to do with christmas coming up? Cuz as I said, it's only a little more then a year sence this happened the last time.
However.. I think I'm gona bleach my hair down so it's actually white and then dye parts of it in a dark purple color. I have absolutely no idea either it's gonna suit me or not.. But I'll do it anyways. In like a month or so. I just have to get the bleach and then I'm quite sure I have enough pruple dye left to do what I want with that. Blabla.

Apart from that.. There isn't rly a shit going on. My mom and sister are decorating the tree and hanging up all the christmas decorations and stuff while listening to christmas music. And I'm still not in the christmas mood.. Geez, it's gonna be just like last year. No christmas spirit what so ever. It's quite depressing actually. I used to love christmas and the mood of it, but now.. I just don't seem to get into it.
I'm off to the flat and to see Victor in less then 2 hours... I'm more or less just waiting for that. I gotta go down and ask my mom if I'm gonna get dinner before I leave or not...

Andy: What does Jespers bio thing say? Cuz it's in swedish so I don't understand it lol
Me: it says the same as urs lol
Andy: uuuum ok lol. He's copying me aaaah
Me: lol yep. He secretly dreams of becoming u u know, and copying ur bio is his first step to doing that lmao
Andy: lol now I'm scared
Me: u better be lol
Andy: u must be really tired now
Me: well yer I'm getting a bit tired
Andy: u were tired at 7, but now ur only a bit. wow ur weird lol
Me: well I went from tired to overly tired and then I get hyper instead :D
Andy: it's fun when that happens lol
Me: lol yep it is. obviously, cuz it usually makes me laugh constantly..
Andy: lol that would be funny to hear
Me: well havnt u once? that time when I ended up laying on the floor laughing lmao
Andy: o yeah lol
Me: That was fun lol
Andy: yer it was

 

A part of the conversation I just had with Andy... I don't like this. We talk just like before. Why don't I just stop it?
I seem to be more or less back where I started. i can't make up my mind. Should I be his friend or should I not. Should I stay or should I go? Damnit..

 

And as a random note; Omgwtfbbq I miss Victor so much. But it's less then a day till I see him now. That's ok after all.. I'll go to bed now.. I'm tired and it makes time go faster. Tomorrow night it's gonna be just him and me, alone with a xbox 360 and Fallout 3. Awesome. We're both gonna pay all attention to the game LOL.

 

(I'm gonna start adding these like header images to the posts every now and then. I went through the page deaviantart.com today and saved loads of photos and I think it looks quite good with pictures of some kind every now and then so yeah.. Blabla. And I changed my header and removed that text as well, but I guess you can see that.)

It's getting late. Or well, not actually late.. it's not even 11, but I'm getting a bit tired. And my stepdad told me to stop playing on the xbox cuz I was talking too loudly and my stepbrothers were going to bed.
Today's conversations with people on xbox live have been quite alot about Cheggs. or well, I've heard two sides of it. Cheggs' side, him being kinda depressed cuz people's tacking the nick out of him for liking me... And Andy's side of it, about Cheggs constantly going on about me. And I dunno what to do really? I can't help what he feels and I ain't gonna try doing anything about it either, it's up to him.
And yes.. I've been talking to Andy today. Curse me for that. We even played a game of halo 3 alone cuz everyone else left. And when I talk to him... It's like nothing was ever wrong, like I never told him I feel bad talking to him, like he never broke me completely. And this is the reason i try not to talk to him, cuz I know every time I talk to him will bring me closer and closer to actually forgetting or ignoring what he did. The question is though... Should I actually keep trying to avoid him and ignore him? At some moments it feels like this is all just stupid, why putting any energy to caring about him at all? But at other times I understand why and wish I would never have met him. And why the hell do I bother thinking about him at all...

And now for something completely different. (Monty Python )
When I was cleaning my room earlier I found 3.. uhm.. pads.. or whatever it's called. Like books with lined papers that you write in.. you know.. However. I went through these and found quite some interesting things. The thing is, when I want to scribble or write something down I usually just take the nearest paper or pad, open a random page and write it down. So... Reading through these there was no sence of due order of the things written down. I could see things written down a year ago on one page, then two pages later something I wrote while going out with John, then next comes something from two months after that to then return to a year ago.. Uhm.. you get what I mean. It was quite interesting. I found loads of short parts of lyrics that I've scribbled down when I came up with them and.. Stuff. However, there was this one thing that catched my interest the most.. ;
"You couldn't find me," she sang proudly.
Dear god, she was playing hide and seek. I started screaming out to Jack to turn back, but the strong winds coming from the northwest mountains simply snatched my voice and threw it back at me. Until suddenly I couldn't see my brother any more, only the black head floating further and further away. I had not fed the sea enough...
I have no idea what that text is from. I can't remember reading it, I can't remember writing it or coming up with it myself. But somehow it touches me. The language, the meaning... Idunno... It just gave me a quite weird, eerie feeling somehow.

I have to go change my insulin now, and then I think I'm gonna go down watch some TV and go to bed soon. I'm even more tired now then when I started writing 20 minutes ago.

I just talked to Linda for the first time in quite a while. Linda is my oldest friend, we've known each others sence we were 6 and well... We used to be best friends. Before we got separated when we started High School and went to different schools. After that things have been up and down. Sometimes we've been really close and at one point it felt like we didn't even know each others again.
However... If I got it all right she's over at her boyfriend, Victor's ( roflworthy ) place at the moment. He doesn't live in Gothenburg but Linda but quite far away from there. Actually he lives in a place called Båstad, which is where I was sopposed to go to collage at first, but I changed my mind.. It's about as far between Gothenburg and here as it is between Båstad and here. So.. With otehr words, Victor lives twice as faraway from Linda as I do. Uhm.. Idunno why I wrote that, but however. I havn't seen Linda in nearly half a year now and I really miss her and she said she misses me as well and both of us wanna meet during the holiday. But the thing is that she's leaving to Victor's on the 26th and won't be home again till school starts. So... I might go to Båstad for a couple of days and spend new year with Linda, Victor and his friends. If I'm allowed to. My mom don't like me being away for a longer time with people she don't know. She knows Linda, bot not the rest... But however, unless I find anywhere else to be on new year I'm probably gonna go there. Goodie good.

So.. I finnished cleaning my room, we've made the candy... And I think mom's making dinner at the moment. It sounds like it. Good, I'm getting hungry.
I think I'm gonna go down and get my mom's stereo now. It's still in a box from when we moved 2 years ago and I'm gonna put it in my room instead, so that I can listen to more then just the music I have on my iPod, I've got CDs I wanna listen to as well. And I'm thinking about actually starting to buy CDs... Not that I can't download anymore (I'm not allowed to on this computer). And also, I like CDs. It looks better to have a big collection of CDs instead of a overloedad iTunes liberary, doesn't it?

I'm doing a huge cleanup in my room sence christmas is coming. I really hate that. I hate cleaning my room. Probably cuz I don't mind it when it's meddy. I have no problems with my floor being like a labyrinth. But once I start cleaning it I start hating it. It's like all the dirt flies up from the floor and gets stuck all over me. I always get this horribly dirty feeling and I like don't want to touch anything. It's weird... And the worst thing about it is that this feeling I get from this is somewhat alike what I feel when I'm about to get a panic, anxiety attack thingy.. whatever it's called. So, logically I should clean my room more often to avoid this. But I can never be bothered to. Especually not now that I'm barely in my room at all exept at night.
However, I'm nearly done with it. Or well, the cleaning up. I have to hoover and stuff as well. And then, later when we're all done with the cleaning (all family is cleaning up at the moment) we're gonna make candy for christmas. Alot more fun!
So... School's out on friday and then it's 3 weeks home, here. Blergh. I might talk to Linda or Sofia and maybe go to them over new year though... But I dunno. That's not actually what I want, I just want a reason to get out of here. It's ok to be home over christmas but I'd prefer to be somewhere else on new year. The problem is though that as far as I know I don't actually have anywhere to go so I'll probably end up being at home anyways. Sigh.
Mom asked earlier if I was coming home on friday, and I was all like "wtf? I though I had to?" aaand.. I shouldn't have answered that cuz then she changed her mind and said I had to and instead she asked when Victor's coming here and said that if he wants to see me he have to come here. She obviously wants to meet him.. But that kind of annoyed me a little bit. But I can see why. If she'd do as she wants I would still be living here all the time, but she can see that this is better for me and how it wouldn't be good for me to always be at home and, also, having to leave home at 6 and be home at 6 every day because of school being so far away. But yeah.. Idunno.. I'm not looking forward to having holiday. Or well, I am, but yet I'm not. And I guess I should go finnish my cleaning now.

Among the first things my mom said to me when she came to pick me and my brother up at the bus was first "are you tired?", probably because my voice sounded quite... well tired, I guess. And then when we were home she asked me "is something wrong?". "No" I answered. "Are you sure?" she said, obviously not believing in what I just said. "Yeah I'm sure mom. It's nothing. I'm just tired, I mean I had to be up at 6." She didn't say anything else, just went back down the stairs.
I don't like when people worry about me. That's why I try to hide when something's wrong or bad. But unfortenately that's something I'm seriously bad at. Hiding feelings. If I'm neutral or happy I can quite easily act whatever feeling. But when I'm feeling bad I find it really hard to act normal or happy. This usually ends up in me lying, and that's also the only time I actually lie. When someone asks if I'm ok and I say I am even if I'm not, or when i don't tell all the truth.
How was I gonna tell her that no, "I'm not okay. I don't want to be here because when I am I just feel lonely and depressed." "I've been seriously ill of some kind lately and I'm starting to worry about it." "School's ending soon and you're all happy about it, holidays and having all of us kids at home... But I would prefer if it didn't come cuz being here for 3 weeks, away from where I want to be for 3 weeks seems like hell." How would I say that to her? And especually, how could I say anythign without ending up in a serious discussion or conversation of some kind? Something I really can't be bothered with right now.
After not being here last weekend I just feel even more how I don't need it.
My mom said sometime that even though both I and my brother have.. well.. partly moved away from home now, my brother isn't thinking like that but I am. Crow doesn't look at it as if he's not living at home anymore, he still feels like he's got mom, he needs her, he can't take care of himself. I, on the other hand, well... My mind is set on the fact that I ain't coming back. I've even started to use the fact that I'm not constantly under a watch of some kind. I can do things and won't have to bother about parents not liking it. (for instance I wouldn't be able to sit open in the kitchen and give myself a tattoo if I was at home. Or be home at 11 when it's school the next day.) I make it sounds like I'm just incautios, not caring about rules, blabla.. But that's not it. I just think of things as if I'm in charge of myself now. Not my mom, not my stepdad. I am. But what does that help, what does that matter when I'm not. What does that matter when I'm still locked inside and longing to be free?

 

For some reason I seem to do worse and worse without Victor. Saying bye, if only for the night, seem to be horrible. It was like that yesterday when he had to go. Or well, when he should actually have left like 2 hours earlier. Idunno if it was just me, or well I'm quite sure it was just me. I don't think he felt it as well, and I somehow hope he didn't. It didn't feel as if we were saying bye and were gonna see each others again in only a couple of hours. It felt more as if we weren't gonna see each others again for ages. Years. Letting him go, not knowing he was there next to me felt like the worst thing ever and I just wanted to to whatever to make him stay. Even though I couldn't, even though I shouldn't. And now, just.. 20 minutes ago, he went home and I went to this lesson. And that felt quite horrible as well... I won't see him again till late on sunday. And I dunno what made me feel like this all of a sudden? I've always disliked not being with him... But I've been able to take it. Now it's just horrible. I don't want to be without him... The question is though... Is that a good or a bad thing? I'm afraid it's mostly bad.

I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

 

Uuum.. So.. my ordinary 3 hour break on friday. Wohew.. *insert sarcastic voice* And I'm hungry, tired and feeling casually crap. I slept properly tonight, but I still only had about 6 hours of sleep. Why? Because Victor didn't leave till about.. 11:30-12 sometime cuz well... I didn't want him to leave and he didn't want to leave. And then... I had to go up at 6 because of the stupid lucia celebration thingy we have here in sweden. I had to be at school 7 o'clock to help prepearing this concert thingy.

Geez. I really can't be bothered to write right now. My brain is all dead. I can't think properly and I just feel quite.. annoyed, for some reason. I think I should go get something to eat. In a while.. And then go read or something. Idunno. Just something better then sitting here...

I've got this lyric that I wrote about.. 3 months ago, when things were at its worst with me and John. And I finally managed to come up with a melody for it! And I think I've got the chords as well... I feel all happy now. I've tried to cme up with something good for that lyric for a long time now.

 

Oh well. I've got a choir practice in 10 minutes and then I'm gonna be with Victor.

 

I died so many years ago
But you can make me feel
like as it isn't so
And why you come to be with me?
I think I finally know.

You're scared,
ashamed of what you feel
And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal with it
Whisper in my dead ear?
It doesn't make it real
That's great..

But I don't wanna play
'Cause being with you touches me
more than I can say
And since I'm only dead to you
I'm begging, stay away and
let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace,
let me get some sleep,
let me take my love and bury it
in a hole 6-foot deep
I can lay my body down
but I can't find my, sweet release
So let me rest in peace

You know,
You've got a willing slave
And You just love to play the thought
that you might misbehave
But Till you do,
I'm telling you
Stop visiting my grave!
Let me rest in peace

I know I should go
But I follow you like if I'm possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest
but I can see you're unimpressed
So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace,
let me get some sleep,
let me take my love and bury it
In a hole 6-foot deep
I can lay my body down
but I can't find my sweet release
Let me rest in peace
Why won't you
Let me rest in peace?

I didn't have anything to do at home so I left a bit earlier to school and was here at about 7:35, so I looted a computer and here I am.. I gotta go to my lesson in about 5 minutes but anyways. I have photogrophy class and we're gonna learna bout pjhotographing in studios and also take portraits of each others in one and then next lesson on monday we're gonna retouch them in photoshop. Happy face, I love doing that. it's alot more fun then having theory on how to do it, sence I already know how. Blabla. I felt worse then in a long time last night and then I didn't fall asleep till like 3 cuz I was feeling sick. But I feltokay when I woke up so I decided to drag my ass to school anyways. I'm feeling quite okay at the moment, only got a bit of a headache. But then... I'm about to have a fun lesson and that kind of thins effects how I'm feeling.

Ah well. I gotta go now. Byebye people x

I seem to be having alot of semi-deep thoughts lately. Random things that I randomly start discussing with myself.
But apart from that... What's been going on lately? Well the main thing that's happening is.. uhm.. ok I dunno what the main thing is. But school is nearly over for the term (omg) and... I still really don't feel like it's about to be christmas. It's just like last year. Last year's christmas was horrible. Not even when christmas was actually there I felt like it was... but about october-january last year was as well among the worst parts of my life but still. I'm afraid I won't get into the christmas spirit this year either, which i really don't like.. Because the whole spirit, the "feeling" of christmas is the whole thing about it.
And more... I've been feeling awful lately. I try to ignore it, I try not to show too much... But I've just been feeling (physically) awful. I sleep more then I usually do but I'm still... not tired, but like... slow, if you get what I mean. I get these attacks of dizzyness, I sometimes randomly starts hearing really bad, I've got a more or less constant headache and sometimes mystomach aches as well. And I get tired way easilly... If I run for like 10 seconds that kills me. And I have no idea what the hell it is. And it's starting to seriously worry me. Why the hell is this happening? And I don't actually want to tell anyone because I don't want anyone else to worry just because I am. But it's nothing, I'm sure. Or at least I try to tell myself it's nothing. I'm so scared it actually is something though... I don't want anything to happen. Not now...

Ah well. I've only got 10 minutes left of my time here. I think I'm gonna leave now and go read a bit and then go home and.. wait for tomorrow. Perhaps I'll take a walk later as well, idunno.
Byebye for now.

What is it that decides that someone is perfect? I mean, don't we all have our image of the perfect person, the perfect friend or partner. But when it actually comes down to reality... Is the persons you actually think of as perfect suiting for you image of perfection?
I can easily say that I find Victor perfect. Even though he might not always do exactly what I wish he would do, even though I can't always be with him, even though he seem to be able to hurt me. It doesn't matter, I still love him exactly the way he is and I can't think of him being different in any way. He's perfect to me even though he's not perfect. Do you get what I mean?
I remember being told that I'm perfect once. This guy once told me that I was perfect for him. And I remember that my reaction just simply was that wtf.. I don't want to be perfect. And I defeneatly don't want him to think I'm perfect, cuz I'm not. I'm far from perfect. I've done so many things wrong in my life, screwed things up and.. Such things. I'm not a perfect person and I never will be. And I kinda just took it as an insult when he waid this to me. But back then I didn't realize what he actually meant, because I havn't felt that, not untill now.
So, what does actually decide if one is perfect? I don't think you can be perfect. You can't look perfect and you can't have a perfect personality or a perfect life. Why? Because we all prefer different things. We all have our different opinions. Maybe I prefer a guy with long black hair and... blue eyes who's a great writer or something but a friend of mine prefers a blonde guy with green eyes who's great at football. As I said, different opinions. So, I don't think one can be perfect... Until you feel that way I just explained. You can be perfect to someone, but you cannot be perfect. And I found my perfect, I found my image of perfection, and I would never ever want to be without him.

I've been going to psychiatrists (I'm quite sure that spelling is wrong but I can't be bothered to look it up) several times in my life. 4, to be more exact, and then I've been going to that other.. psychiatrist thingy that isn't a psychiatrist but something similar 2 times. All these times have been for different reasons but there's one thing that's always returned.. The fact that when it comes to me and emotions they're always seriously extreme. I'm seldom just a little bit happy or feeling a little down. Instead.. I feel really great at the times I feel good and I feel crap at the times I feel bad. And the last two days I've experienced extreme cases of both.
Yesterday  I had this random like.. attack of depression. I just very randomly started feeling like hell for no reason at all. I couldn't explain to either myself or anyone else why I was feeling bad, all I knew was that I were feeling bad. Although.. When I get that kind of depressions I can get out of them again quite easily. All I need is someone to cheer me up. Not much, it's enough with someone saying something funny or.. whatever. I just can't get out of it myself. So when I get these depression attacks while being alone I can stay in it for hours. But if I get it at school, like yesterday,  get out of it quite easily. But I still hate it though. Because when I feel like that.. It's like I just wanna give everything up and go crawl up in a corner and die. Lucklily enough.. I've learned to see when this happens so I know it's gonna pass by quite quickly. In the beginning, when I started heving these.. Well those were the times when I did things I shouldn't really have done to myself.
The second thng.. was today, just a few hours ago and I'm still not actually over that. I was talking to Victor. He was about to leave but I had to stay cuz I had 2 more lessons. And he said something.. I can't actually remember how it all started or alot of what he actually said, but it however in the end made it sound very much like he don't want to be with me and like.. I said I don't like that we havn't been with each others after school either yesterday or today and he answered "oh 2 days, how horrible" with alot of sarcasm. And then he said something else.. However it really hurt me. Alot. He managed to, without intention, hit one of my weakast spots and I was both hurt and pissed with him at the same time. Once he had left and I had to go to my lesson I was feeling just.. horrible and if I wouldn't have been at school i would probably have started to cry. And then my lesson wasn't in the classroom it usually is in and I coulnd't be bothered to find out where it was and was just feeling even worse. I get like that when I'm upset. The smallest thing can make a big difference and such small thing as this made me feel worse then horrible. So, this was an even more extreme case of my emotions being.. extreme. After I texted Victor he came back to school for like half an hour or something and.. yeah.. I dunno really.. Right now I just feel really guilty somehow. Cuz he was obviously hurt that he hurt me, and that make me hurt over him beign hurt over me being hurt.. Uhm.. Get it? Evil circle of some kind and I think we both feel guilty somehow. And I really really really hate that.. I don't want to be the reason anyone is feeling bad what so ever. Especually not Victor. I love him too much to allow myself to do such things.And now.. I just want it to be tomorrow as soon as possible. I still don't like being at home, having absolutely nothing to do. it gives me too much time to think. House is on TV tonight though, so at least that's something to look forward to. And then I don't start school till 12 tomorrow. And omg it's only.. 8 days of school left till the holidays. Insane.. Feels like it was summer just a month ago. Ah well.. I've only got 12 minutes left here now and I'm reeeeeeally hungry. Time to head home and.. be.. bored.. Yippee.

 

I... Kind of changed my mind. I'm at the liberary right now, haha. I'm starting to wonder what I'm acrually doing here though so I'm probably not gonna stay for too long.
So.. After I'm done here I'm off to look for a christmas present for my mom. And try to think of something other then what I had planned for my stepdad.. I really don't like this whole thing with christmas presents. Because.. Do you actually buy them because you want to give something to the person in question, or do you just buy them for the sake of it? In most cases, the reason is option 2. That's why I don't like it. And I try to mix these things. I do buy presents for the sake of it, but at least I try to find something that actually means something. But that's not too easy.. And now, once I've figured out the perfect gifts for both my mom and stepdad.. Of course, they're too expensive. It's just so damn.. gah!
And then I would want to buy something for Victor, even though we said we wouldn't.. But in that case I dunno what and the chance of me being able to afford it if I decide to buy what I want for my parents..I'm gonna be completely broke.
But I mean.. what do you prefer.. Buying some shitty little present that isn't actually for any good, might not even be used and is just bought for the sake of it.. Although, it was quite cheap. Or.. Getting something that actually suits the person you get it for. That'll make them happy, will be used but then.. is probably quite alot more expensive. Well.. In some cases you can mix the two good parts fo this. Suiting and cheap.. But that's quite rare, isn't it? At least I seem to have the bad luck of not being able to match those. Meh.. I just find it quite annoying somehow. And now.. I'm still wondering wtf I'm doing here. Especually sence my blood glycose is getting low, equal I have to get something to eat. So... I'm off now.

I'm having photogrophy class at the moment so I'm just quickly gonna write something. I was gonna go to the liberary and a computer there once this lesson is over but I changed my mind and can't be bothered to. I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go get something edible and then go look for a christmas gift for my mom. Or at least check how much what I wanna get to her actually costs. And maybe I'll buy myself some pens and paper to have at the flat, I feel like picking up my drawing again.. I'm actually quite good at it. Or at least I used to be. Maybe I'll show you something sometime. Blabla.

Uhm.. randomness.. I've got more things to say but at I said, I've got a lesson so I should pay attention to that instead. See y'all.. Some other day,

Monday morning.. Computer science class thingy.. And what do I do? Well of course I write here. I'm too predictable sometimes.
I spent the weekend with Victor.. And I dunno what to say about that really? As Victor wrote in his blog, what do people want to hear about happiness anyways? It was great, just being with each others more or less constantly for 3 days. Eating crappy food, watching films and playing on the xbox. Just.. being. Once he had left yesterday I went to buy some Ben and Jerry's and ate that till my stomach was hurting, lol, "talking" to Orkra (I was in his party on xbox live, he was talking and I answered with textmessages sence I still havnt got a new mic) and watching the second Atlantis film. It was seriously really.. really bad. And well then I went to sleep at like.. 11 or something. And I fell asleep at once, and actually slept all night! That's seriously revolutioning. I mean sure, I do sleep ok nowadays, but I never sleep well. Exept when I'm with someone. I always sleep well when I'm with someone (my brother who I share room with does not include "someone"). But tonight I did. Until the alarm on my phone went on at 5.. Equal 2 hours too early, cuz I forgot to turn off my old alarm. But after I woke up from that I fell asleep again, more or less instantly. And I'm all happy about this, haha. Cuz I'm actually.. Not too tired for once.

So.. Now I'm having computer class, writing this and listening to the soundtrack of the musical episode of Buffy the vampire slayer. Later on I have a maths test (blargh) and hopefully I'll get the swedish test we had last thursday back today as well. I wanna know if I did as well as I think.. And then.. Well, it's only 2 weeks left till the christmas holidays! It feels so weird.. And I have to get the last christmas presents.. Geez.. I've got perfect ideas for presenst for both my mom and stepdad for like the firsrt time ever.. But I don't think I can afford them, that's the problem. Sad face..

Yesterday, after Victor left I was thinking about something.. Where is the line between lying and just keeping away information? My mom always tell me that what she hates the most is when people (well, I in the cases she's said that) lie. And I know that my answer to that have seceral times been that I was never lying, I was just not telling her things. And then she says that it's the same thing. Som according to her, keepingf away information is lying. I myself though thinks that it's two completely different things. I mean.. I don't lie just cuz I don't, without a reason tell someone.. I've got diabetes. Just to say something radom as an example. I do lie if I don't answer when someone asks if I do though. That's what I think is the difference. Even if it's something inportant (usually more inportant then me having diabetes) I don't usually randomly tell people. But if I'm asked.. I more or less never lie about it. Or well, I never lie about it. I try to avoid lying as good as possible. So.. Where is actually this line between lying and not lying? Sence people's got such different opinions about this.. I think it's quite easy to get an argument because of it. For instance, me and my mother. We nearly never argue though, but when we do it's often because she thinks I've been lying about something...

Ah well. I gotta keep working now. My teacher's flipping (well, as much as he can.. equal not at all, but however). Luckilly he thought I was writing an email so he said it's ok for me to write but only not the whole lesson. And I've been doing this for 30 of the 60 minutes now, haha.

I always used to be scared of the future. Time was, and well is, my only true enemy. I mean, what power it has.. And you cannot fight it, you cannot effect it. But now I'm more.. curious of it. Looking forward to it. I'm still scared, I'm scared to death, but I'm looking at this fear from a different kind of view.
I always seem to surprise myself. How I can change my mind, how I can be so damn sure about things. I realized.. The day before yesterday I think, that I would give up this dream of moving to england for Victor any day. If we're actually still going out in 2½ years time.. I'm probably gonna stay here. And I'm not even bothered to concider that being wrong, because I know it isn't. I have stong feelings, a strong will when it's about some things.. But even stronger for other.

I've never actually been feeling well. For as long as I can remember there's always been something "wrong" in my life, always something pulling me down. Maybe with a interruption of something between a week and.. 2 months, but generally there's always been something. For, literally, as long as I can remember. Aka as far back as to when I was like.. 5. But right now.. I feel better then I've done the last.. 2 years. Even though I have things that needs to be cleared up, things that should be bothering me and pulling me down. And.. I dunno.. I'm just not used to that. It might sound real weird, seriously stupid, but.. Idunno, I'm starting to wonder if I seriously NEED bad things in my life. I can't stand just walking around being constantly happy cuz when I do, well then I miss feeling bad. Weird, isn't it?
Even if I've been generally feeling really well the last few days, I still havn't. I seem to be feeling physically bad instead. Last tuesday, sometime in the afternoon I started getting this horrible headache and a even more horrible beeping constantly.. beeping, lol. I've got a kind of tinnitus.. Not actually tinnitus, but blabla, I can't be bothered to explain. It's nothing bad really, it's just a distand tune constantly going on in my ears that I've learned to more or less completely ignore. But it sometimes gets worse, and I guess that's what happened. But this was worse then I've ever experienced before, and it was going on for over a day. I was feeling awfully bad. And then after that I just havn't been feeling too well. I've been having stomach ache every now and then, headaches nearly constantly and I seem to get dizzy really easy.
Victor seemed to be seriously worried when I was feeling the worst.. And I really hate that. I can't stand other people feeling bad because of me. Ecpecially not when it's something I can't do anything about. SO I try not to show too much, which isn't always too easy but at least I try.. But to be honest, I was, and am, a bit worried myself.

But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good 

I'm not gonna go home to the house today but stay at the flat all weekend and Victor's gonna be over so I aint gonna be writing at all during these days. We're gonna have the whole weekend all alone together.

P.S: I love you.