Among the first things my mom said to me when she came to pick me and my brother up at the bus was first "are you tired?", probably because my voice sounded quite... well tired, I guess. And then when we were home she asked me "is something wrong?". "No" I answered. "Are you sure?" she said, obviously not believing in what I just said. "Yeah I'm sure mom. It's nothing. I'm just tired, I mean I had to be up at 6." She didn't say anything else, just went back down the stairs.
I don't like when people worry about me. That's why I try to hide when something's wrong or bad. But unfortenately that's something I'm seriously bad at. Hiding feelings. If I'm neutral or happy I can quite easily act whatever feeling. But when I'm feeling bad I find it really hard to act normal or happy. This usually ends up in me lying, and that's also the only time I actually lie. When someone asks if I'm ok and I say I am even if I'm not, or when i don't tell all the truth.
How was I gonna tell her that no, "I'm not okay. I don't want to be here because when I am I just feel lonely and depressed." "I've been seriously ill of some kind lately and I'm starting to worry about it." "School's ending soon and you're all happy about it, holidays and having all of us kids at home... But I would prefer if it didn't come cuz being here for 3 weeks, away from where I want to be for 3 weeks seems like hell." How would I say that to her? And especually, how could I say anythign without ending up in a serious discussion or conversation of some kind? Something I really can't be bothered with right now.
After not being here last weekend I just feel even more how I don't need it.
My mom said sometime that even though both I and my brother have.. well.. partly moved away from home now, my brother isn't thinking like that but I am. Crow doesn't look at it as if he's not living at home anymore, he still feels like he's got mom, he needs her, he can't take care of himself. I, on the other hand, well... My mind is set on the fact that I ain't coming back. I've even started to use the fact that I'm not constantly under a watch of some kind. I can do things and won't have to bother about parents not liking it. (for instance I wouldn't be able to sit open in the kitchen and give myself a tattoo if I was at home. Or be home at 11 when it's school the next day.) I make it sounds like I'm just incautios, not caring about rules, blabla.. But that's not it. I just think of things as if I'm in charge of myself now. Not my mom, not my stepdad. I am. But what does that help, what does that matter when I'm not. What does that matter when I'm still locked inside and longing to be free?
