It's said that time heals all hearts. I remeber so many times when I've been in the middle of some shit and I've just though that "no for fuck's sake, it won't ever get better...." but you know what? It always does. Time do heal hearts. But... Lately I've realized that it's only part true. Just letting something go, forgetting it and moving on isn't 100% possible without actually working with it. Lately I've started to think loads and loads about things that's happened in my past. More or less all of my life have been flashing before my eyes the last week or so. And it's making me feel crap. I don't know why? Maybe because christmas is coming up and this time of the year, last year was a horrible time... Maybe not. I really don't know. All I know is that I seem to think about all the shitI've been going through, every single mistake I've ever made. And that's quite alot more then most people thinks it is. How come that doesn't show then? How come most people seem to think I'm a quite.. proper person? Because I've learned from my mistakes. I've never done the same mistake or misstep twice. Never, ever.
Last night Victor was on about how I should love myself and put myself over everyone and everything. I was tired and couldn't be bothered to bring up a discusson about it, but well, to say it the easy way; I didn't agree with him. I've never been looking brightly at myself. I never actually loved myself, or well the few times I have... It's been because I've hidden myself under the way I look. By dressing oddly, by getting loads of these little wannabe kids looking up to me. That's the only reason people's been looking up to me (as far as I know) and also the only reason I've ever felt that I could be... respected. But then I stoped that and now I kind of, more or less or at least compared to back then look quite normal.
So... I've never actually heard that I'm good. I've been bullied, I know loads of people who've more or less hated me, I've had several people being.. well... my enemies. And also... How can I love myself when I know myself so well? When I'm the only one who knows every single thing I've ever done wrong.
And above all... I don't think I'll ever be able to love myself before I actually know who I am. And at the moment I just... simply don't. I have no idea who I am, what I want or whatever purpose I actually have. In my eyes I'm quite useless.