Okay.. the most unexpected, greatest thing ever just happened.. It started out with me sitting by them computer talking to Cheggs on msn and having cams on as well and my sister was sitting next to me wrapping up presents. And Cheggs saw that I was talking to someone and asked if it was my sister. And then blabla, my sis and Cheggs started talking.. kind of.. with me in between. And in the end.. well now it looks like they could just as well start going out within like a week lol. And I don't seem to have to be worrying about having him following me anymore! Kinda relieving.

Ok I started writing that like an hour ago.. Or maybe more... However. My sister ended up not leaving me alone and Cheggs got like annoyed with me when I forced her to leave and blabla I was rly pissed with Cheggs there for a while and I ended up kinda yelling at him.. And then I ended up talking some serious shit with Andy as well and we went all sentimental and I we said we missed each others while we wern't talking and blabla. Ah well, my mom told me I gotta go to bed now. Christmas eve tomorrow.. And I miss Victor more then ever. Ain't that quite weird? How I've been busy with Cheggs and Andy all evening.. But it the end it's Victor I think about. Or well not weird, but fascinating somehow. I miss him so much... There's nothing I would want more then having him here with me right now.
Ah well, nighty night. And Merry christmas!

That feeling I felt last night havn't returned on all day. I still feel a bit.. disappointed though. All exept 6 of the people from my family who are coming over tomorrow (we celebrate christmas on the 24th here in sweden) are already here. There's full of presents under the tree, my mom's been cooking all day so the whole house smells of christmas food. But does that give me the slightest christmas spirit? No. I just keep seeing what's not and not what is.
I bought a dress while I was out shopping with my mom, and when I came home I tried it on a bit more properly and looked at what I could wear with it and stuff.. And when I looked at myself, quite pleased with what I could see, I just thought that.. What's the point? What reason do I actually have to get all dressed up. Meh, idunno.. I'm just rambling on as usual. I'm not feeling actually bad, just.. Lonely. But I experienced something today that I havn't actually experienced in a while now. Everyone apart from me and my mom were away cuz it's one of my stepbrother's birthday, aka Crow wasn't home so I borrowed his headset. And I was playing Halo with Daniel (aka Orkra, I'm just trying to get usued to calling him Daniel), Cheggs, Andy and some random person. And we were all hyper and rambling and just.. having fun. That used to be part of my everyday but then my headset broke and now it isn't anymore. And I realized how much I've missed that. And now I can't wait to get my headset, I ordered a new one the day before yesterday.
And well... Apart from that.. Loads of people, loads of food, loads of unhealthyness, loads of presents and.. loads of dogs (lol) tomorrow. That's quite good actually. I'm (usually) not down while I'm around people. At least not family and this is all mine and my stepdads family (so I guess they could be called my family as well? My stepdad is after all ten times more of a dad to me then my real dad is.. and that reminds me.. Maybe I should write something about my dad sometime? Tell you all what really happened and why I'm not talking to him...). It seems to be a good christmas after all. Apart from that the only thing that's missing is the only thing I would really want. To have Victor here with me.

Have you ever felt that feeling when you both despite someone and like them. This person is your friend but yet there's something.. wrong about it. I've feltit several times. I used to have a friend named Sunna. That was back when I lived in gothenburg so it's 2 years ago... But however. We became friends when I started going out with Zeth and before that... Well we never liked each others. I actually disliked her. But she was a close friend of Zeth and I was his girlfriend so we ended up becoming friends anyways. I started liking her a bit, but I still found her quite annoying and was like "why am I with her?"
What made me think of this was this thing with Victor and Cheggs. I have no idea either Victor feels like that or not but it seems like Cheggs do. I gave Victor's msn to Cheggs yesterday but before I gave it to him I was like saying hi from Victor to Cheggs and from Cheggs to VIctor and blabla. However.. When I first said to Cheggs "Victor says hi btw" he said something like "err.. ok.. what should I say?" and I was like "ehm.. Say hi back?" and his answer was "Yeeeeah but I'm in the middle of flirting with his girlfriend.. But ok say hi from me." And that made me feel a bit that.. Geez.. He really do look at it as something serious which I don't, not at all. And.. blargh. Selene, tell him off, now! (or like.. later today when I have more time, lol)

And... Idunno.. It just feels like I've been, without intension and without actually realizing, quite good at hurting Victor lately. Or idunno? It just feels like my life does bad for him somehow. I can't explain it really and I don't think there's any point in me trying to either.
I miss Victor more and more every day. And last night this calm feeling of mine crashed. I said I havn't been thinking too much, that this holiday didn't seem to turn out as horribly bad as I expected.. But last night I was just like.. Idunno... I felt so incredably lonely and I slightly felt this feeling that I've felt so many times, that everything's just hopeless. I had to do something about this frustration I felt so I put on as loud music as I could at that time (like 1 in the morning) and started cutting my hair a bit. It didn't really do a shit difference more then, obviously, that it's a bit shorter now. Cutting my hair and that kind of things seem to be the best way 4 me to get over frustrations. And then I took out this dress I had hidden. I bought it with the intension of wearing it when I was with Andy at christmas and when things screwed up I just hid it from myself. I took it out and put it on and then i also put some make up on. Yes, in the middle of the night. And then I just stared at my own reflection in the mirror for several minutes. Looking at myself and I was all like "who the hell is she anyways?". I don't seem to be anyone when I'm alone. I seem to need others to complete me. Last night was weird... And now I'm off to the stores with my mom in a couple of minutes. Gonna go put on some make up and try to hide at least a little of the tired-ness in ymface. Hide your face so the world will never find you.