Today has been.. the most schizofrenic (that probably wasn't spelled right) day ever. I've been depressed, hyper, happy, nearly crying, stressed, tired.. etc. I've had time to be seriously annoyed with my grandmom three times, my sister a thousond times.. I ended up being the one helping mom carrying in and out all the food so I was well tired there for a while. The scariest thing today though, was that I nearly took my mom's glass of schnaps and drakt it. I dunno why.. or well. I was feeling crap and I was like "oh geez just make it go awayyyy!" I didn't though. And if I would've I would probably have hated myself afterwords. I'm as much of a teetotaller as can get. (omg what's wrong with me? I've felt like both smoking and drinking the last month. im a horrible person)
My head just deaded... I have absolutely no idea what to write. I think I'll go take a shower. Or just go to sleep. Geez, it's 9 and I could already go to sleep and actually... sleep. I don't actually know what's been so horribly bad with today, but it have been. And like everything seems to make me miss Victor even more. Oh and btw, we've been going out for a month today. Yay us or something lol. it somehow feels so much longer cuz I can't think of what it was actually like before that. When I try to think about it I'm just all like "how the hell did I even make it without him?" geez I love that guy.
Blargh. I don't even know why or what I'm trying to write anymore.

So, family's here now. 15 people, our 3 dogs and 2 chihuauas. I'm so gonna accedentaly step on one of them before then day's over. And well.. I'm already annoyed. Seriously annoyed. I usually can't stand being with my grandmother (the "real" one) for more then like two hours or so. But now.. She was here for about 3 minutes before she managed to annoy me and now I kinda feel like locking myself in my room and either cry a little or break something. I think I've got pms so everything I feels gets alot more intense lol and that together with me being so sensetive anyways atm... Geez. I hope the day will get better and not worse. I have a feeling it won't though.
I'll update y'all later. Let's cross our fingers that update will be alot better then this one...
( I WANNA BE WITH VICTOR, argh.. I'm flipping.)

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

I'm listening to Celtic Woman (an amazing group of singers doing, obviously, celtic-ish songs) and quoting 3 doors down lyrics.. Strange mixture.

However.. I'm more or less just waiting for my grandmothers (yes, I have two. or well, my grandma's got a wife so i guess that makes them two) and my stepdad's sister and her family to come. When they've come we're gonna open up presents and then eat and blabla... I feel quite neautral at the moment. A bit down, but mostly neutral. Could be cuz I'm sitting here all isolated, alone in a corner with headphones covering my ears and locking all sounds apart from the music out of my head. And i just keep missing him.. I've never, ever spent christmas anywhere else then with my family. Different parts of it. Many years ago it was all family, then I was with my dad and his girlfriend and my stepsisters and usually it's just been me, my brother, my sister and my mom. So, always with family. I remember how shocked my mom was when I asked if I could go to andy over christmas. However... For the first time I feel the need of not being with my family. Legal family, that is. Cuz I mean... what you should call your family, shouldn't that be where and with who you feel like home? I think so, and my home isn't here.