I.. erm.. Today has been.. Schizo. You know what I wrote earlier. That kind of feelings didn't really continue. Or well at least not as much. I played some more Halo with Victor, Venom and a guy called Kane later on. But well I still have no working mic so I could only hear them but not answer. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear people talking about you, talking to you and not being able to answer? But I should get my new headset in like a week or so top. I had an email 3 days ago saying I would get it in 6-12 days so... Then I can go back to talking to people as usual. it feels like forever sence I was able to do that. (it's after all like.. 1½ months sence it broke or something?)
However.. I said i was gonna go sew to have something else to think about. And I did. I finnished a top I ordered the fabric for over half a year ago (geez..) and it turned out quite good. it was sopposed to be like a shirt at start, but then I was too lazy to make sleeves so it turned out being a top instead.. And now I have one more thing (a like.. fake under bust corset in PVC) that I know I'll make and then I'm sure I can come up with at least one more thing to sew out of the fabrics I have at home at the moment. I always seem to be able to come up with something. I spent like.. 3 hours maybe, making that top today. It's a good way for me to use my time. Cuz it gives me other things then life, feelings and problems to think about. And.. When I'm done, if I get a good result (which I usually do) I always go all happy face. The easiest way for me to make myself happy is to do something that makes me feel proud of myself somehow. maybe not proud but.. Eh I think you get what I mean. And then I decided I'll try to sew one thing/day so that I'll have things to do for more then a day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep that.. But I'm not sure. Cuz I mean, if I make something that takes like an hour or two to make then that's not covering very much of my spare time of the day does it? Oh and well I should keep doing that pattern making course as well.. And then (thanks for reminding me Victor) I have to write a paper about 4 different things that has to do with the medieval ages that should be done when shool starts again. Actually.. I think I'll start writing that like now. I havn't got anything to do anyways.

Oh and by the way.. it's more or less decided now that Victor will come with me to Linda (unless he sticks to what he said when we were playing halo earlier.. "Selene, if you kill me one more time I won't go to Gothenburg with you!") on the 3d and then we'll stay there till like the 5th or something, then we'll be here for like a night or two and then go to the flat and be there till school starts. That's like a week together, happy face :')
Uuuuuum... I guess I start writing that paper now then. I think I should try writing like a page/day and then it'll be nothing. Once I get started I can write a page in like 15 minutes or something. (I mean, you all know how easily I write waaaay too much here in a day lol)
oh well.

There must be something seriously wrong with me.. My mood changes for no reason, or at least it's affected by these tiny, tiny things.. I just stoped playing Halo 3. I did 3 team slayer games and the first two went really good. I did ok and my team won, I even went up a rank. But then came one came where my team did less good. i still did ok, I had the most kills in my team till the last like minute of the game and the reason I started doing worse was cuz I got so damn annoyed.. I nearly flipped, every time I died without taking someone with me I felt some weird kind of flaching feeling of being annoyed, nearly pissed. I couldn't stand things going bad. And... I never flip because of games. I've seriously flipped like once, possibly twice. Not that I actually flipped now, but I could just as well have. During the time I was playing I also had 3 invites to different parties (not actual parties but group-chat-thingys with friends) and I just ignored all of them. i didn't even wear my headset cuz I so couldn't be bothered to hear anyone's voice. I just felt like I wanted to lock myself into some dark room and not come out and talk to anyone in a month or two. And before I started playing I had this feeling that I'm useless, a nobody, no one likes me and wants anything to do with me cuz I don't do exactly what people would want me to or prefer me to do. And when I woke up this morning I felt kind of the same. Like not a shit in this world actually matters and what's the point of even being here? The worst thing is though.. That this is more or less exactly the same that I felt a year ago/a year and1-2-3 months ago. And that time was about the worst I've ever gone through. I've never felt that bad in my entire life and.. Waking up every day and having the feeling that nothing matters, in the end... You start believing that. So I really hope this isn't gonna last. I keep telling myself that it's just cuz I have PMS cuz.. I should have PMS about now, lol. But knwoing myself and.. That kind of things, I don't usually have that at the time I should and.. I've been blaming my mood on that for over a week now so I kinda think that's not it. But then the question is.. What's actually the problem? Cuz I so don't want to live in that, not again, not any more.. Sure, it havn't been this extreme more then today. it's been bad for a couple of days but not this extreme till now but.. If you knew what this feel slike you would understand why I'm sitting here and nearly crying over the fact that I might be going back to what used to be. I don't want that to happen. The depressed, self destructive, quite selfish me I used to be isn't a person you'd wanna know. There's a reason I once managed to make nearly all of my friends stop talking to me.
Now.. I shall lock myself into my room (as well as I can do that.. I can't even close my door properly), play some loud mysic see if I can find something to sew. That makes me focus on something else, and I really really need that. Can't this fucking holiday just be over soon?