Nicholas says (19:42):
ARRRGGHHH:@
[ Selene Crawford ] Where can I hide from all of these feelings I keep inside? says (19:43):
may i ask "now what?"
Nicholas says (19:43):
i cant stay angry tat you
[ Selene Crawford ] Where can I hide from all of these feelings I keep inside? says (19:43):
possibly cuz i only mean good 4 u?
Nicholas says (19:43):
which is annoying

and yes i guess
Just a small part of a quite long conversation I had with Cheggs earlier, and the conclusion of yet another fight we had.
I seem to be the "victim" every time he's annoyed or pissed or whatever. And I don't really like that, but I also realized that
apart from the fact that he should be flipping and tellin the person being mean to him off instead of going to me, I'm the best option. I can handle him flipping on me and in the end I always seem to have helped him. And I'm doing it again ain't I? I don't like it, but as I said it's the best option for him and therefore all of a sudden I don't mind? I really shouldn't be doing that to myself. "You play the leading part of your own life". I learned that sometime, years ago.. But I never seem to be able to live after that. or well I did once, but then it ended up being too much and I hurt others caring too much about myself. And I ain't ever gonna do that ever again.

I've realized something I do very, very wrong. Every single night I make the same mistake. I isolate myself in front of the computer, headphones on, loud depressing music on, loads of thoughts... No wonder it makes me feel bad? Not always as bad as yesterday.. yesterday was just extreme and I still don't actually know what was wrong or what made me feel like that. Meh.. I've got issues. or I AM issues like my brother sometimes says lol.

Meh. I'll keep my music-overdosing now. I somehow like it, even if it makes me think. I'm weird. I've got issues.

That lyric wasn't about Andy. You're wrong. Don'r worrt, it's about something completely different.
There's this one thing that's so... bad about me. Something I cannot be bothered to change. I've been working with most of my "problems" and most of them are... gone. But this is something I cannot be bothered to put as much energy to as it's needed. And that is the fact that I never choose myself over anyone else. If I have to make a decision and one option means what's best for me and one means what's best for someone else I care about I choose what's best for te other. And also, if I find something wrong... if something makes me feel bad, but this thing makes someone else well I simply don't say anything. Or well.. this usually leads to me feeling crap over something and in the end it makes me flip and I more or less ruine thing (see the similarity to what happened when I flipped at Andy? That's exactly what happened. I didn't say anything and in the end it fucked up.)
The thing is... if I would try to do anything about this it would mean I had to start telling people what I feel. Doing the opposite of what I want to do. And I can't do that.. Telling prople to change cuz it makes me feel well, I just don't do that. So.. there that problem remains. There I keep feeling like shit cuz I cannot say anything. And yes, one of these things are going on at the moment. And it's probably gonna end up getting seriously bad... But I can't do anything about that. I won't do anything about that. It'll end up the way it will.. And I'll just sit here, watching while it happens, feeling shit about it and.. Ah whatever.