I always used to be scared of the future. Time was, and well is, my only true enemy. I mean, what power it has.. And you cannot fight it, you cannot effect it. But now I'm more.. curious of it. Looking forward to it. I'm still scared, I'm scared to death, but I'm looking at this fear from a different kind of view.
I always seem to surprise myself. How I can change my mind, how I can be so damn sure about things. I realized.. The day before yesterday I think, that I would give up this dream of moving to england for Victor any day. If we're actually still going out in 2½ years time.. I'm probably gonna stay here. And I'm not even bothered to concider that being wrong, because I know it isn't. I have stong feelings, a strong will when it's about some things.. But even stronger for other.

I've never actually been feeling well. For as long as I can remember there's always been something "wrong" in my life, always something pulling me down. Maybe with a interruption of something between a week and.. 2 months, but generally there's always been something. For, literally, as long as I can remember. Aka as far back as to when I was like.. 5. But right now.. I feel better then I've done the last.. 2 years. Even though I have things that needs to be cleared up, things that should be bothering me and pulling me down. And.. I dunno.. I'm just not used to that. It might sound real weird, seriously stupid, but.. Idunno, I'm starting to wonder if I seriously NEED bad things in my life. I can't stand just walking around being constantly happy cuz when I do, well then I miss feeling bad. Weird, isn't it?
Even if I've been generally feeling really well the last few days, I still havn't. I seem to be feeling physically bad instead. Last tuesday, sometime in the afternoon I started getting this horrible headache and a even more horrible beeping constantly.. beeping, lol. I've got a kind of tinnitus.. Not actually tinnitus, but blabla, I can't be bothered to explain. It's nothing bad really, it's just a distand tune constantly going on in my ears that I've learned to more or less completely ignore. But it sometimes gets worse, and I guess that's what happened. But this was worse then I've ever experienced before, and it was going on for over a day. I was feeling awfully bad. And then after that I just havn't been feeling too well. I've been having stomach ache every now and then, headaches nearly constantly and I seem to get dizzy really easy.
Victor seemed to be seriously worried when I was feeling the worst.. And I really hate that. I can't stand other people feeling bad because of me. Ecpecially not when it's something I can't do anything about. SO I try not to show too much, which isn't always too easy but at least I try.. But to be honest, I was, and am, a bit worried myself.

But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good 

I'm not gonna go home to the house today but stay at the flat all weekend and Victor's gonna be over so I aint gonna be writing at all during these days. We're gonna have the whole weekend all alone together.

P.S: I love you.