I've been going to psychiatrists (I'm quite sure that spelling is wrong but I can't be bothered to look it up) several times in my life. 4, to be more exact, and then I've been going to that other.. psychiatrist thingy that isn't a psychiatrist but something similar 2 times. All these times have been for different reasons but there's one thing that's always returned.. The fact that when it comes to me and emotions they're always seriously extreme. I'm seldom just a little bit happy or feeling a little down. Instead.. I feel really great at the times I feel good and I feel crap at the times I feel bad. And the last two days I've experienced extreme cases of both.
Yesterday  I had this random like.. attack of depression. I just very randomly started feeling like hell for no reason at all. I couldn't explain to either myself or anyone else why I was feeling bad, all I knew was that I were feeling bad. Although.. When I get that kind of depressions I can get out of them again quite easily. All I need is someone to cheer me up. Not much, it's enough with someone saying something funny or.. whatever. I just can't get out of it myself. So when I get these depression attacks while being alone I can stay in it for hours. But if I get it at school, like yesterday,  get out of it quite easily. But I still hate it though. Because when I feel like that.. It's like I just wanna give everything up and go crawl up in a corner and die. Lucklily enough.. I've learned to see when this happens so I know it's gonna pass by quite quickly. In the beginning, when I started heving these.. Well those were the times when I did things I shouldn't really have done to myself.
The second thng.. was today, just a few hours ago and I'm still not actually over that. I was talking to Victor. He was about to leave but I had to stay cuz I had 2 more lessons. And he said something.. I can't actually remember how it all started or alot of what he actually said, but it however in the end made it sound very much like he don't want to be with me and like.. I said I don't like that we havn't been with each others after school either yesterday or today and he answered "oh 2 days, how horrible" with alot of sarcasm. And then he said something else.. However it really hurt me. Alot. He managed to, without intention, hit one of my weakast spots and I was both hurt and pissed with him at the same time. Once he had left and I had to go to my lesson I was feeling just.. horrible and if I wouldn't have been at school i would probably have started to cry. And then my lesson wasn't in the classroom it usually is in and I coulnd't be bothered to find out where it was and was just feeling even worse. I get like that when I'm upset. The smallest thing can make a big difference and such small thing as this made me feel worse then horrible. So, this was an even more extreme case of my emotions being.. extreme. After I texted Victor he came back to school for like half an hour or something and.. yeah.. I dunno really.. Right now I just feel really guilty somehow. Cuz he was obviously hurt that he hurt me, and that make me hurt over him beign hurt over me being hurt.. Uhm.. Get it? Evil circle of some kind and I think we both feel guilty somehow. And I really really really hate that.. I don't want to be the reason anyone is feeling bad what so ever. Especually not Victor. I love him too much to allow myself to do such things.And now.. I just want it to be tomorrow as soon as possible. I still don't like being at home, having absolutely nothing to do. it gives me too much time to think. House is on TV tonight though, so at least that's something to look forward to. And then I don't start school till 12 tomorrow. And omg it's only.. 8 days of school left till the holidays. Insane.. Feels like it was summer just a month ago. Ah well.. I've only got 12 minutes left here now and I'm reeeeeeally hungry. Time to head home and.. be.. bored.. Yippee.