I'm sopposed to studying for a test I've got tomorrow in photography right now... I havn't even opened the book till today and well then I managed to find a free computer and now I'm not really studying anymore.. bad me. But I so can't be bothered... My head is all heavy and probably filled with some kind of sticky goo and I just want time to go faster do I can go back to Victor. Being at school when he's not here is so slow and I just constantly miss him. My plan is to leave him earlier then usual today (aka at like 8-9 instead of like 11) so that I'll have some more time to study later but well.. err.. I know myself, that ain't ever gonna happen. And well I'm (probably) staying at his tomorrow and then we've got all weekend together, all on our own. Appy face. Sad face about him being ill and be getting worse though. Sad face extreme. I'm really really hungry right now so I'm gonna go have lunch now. And then.. hopefully I'll find someone to stalk so that I won't have to be all alone for the rest of the break. Oh and yer I've been thinking about this for quite a while now... What made me tell Victor I liked him was this song, and I just thought I'd post its lyrics.

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by
This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I just had P.E and now I've got a 30 minutes break before next lesson (maths, and then music theory.. boring-ness )
But howeverrr... I don't feel like going into detail with anything but 1st of all; Victor somehow managed to get glandular fever... And I think I'm getting it as well. Not good. Especually not since we've got the weekend on our own and we've both been looking forward to that. But ah well, however...
And well, what's hell alot bigger then that.. Victor kinda asked me to marry him. Or no but.. engage him lol. And well I said yes. Yesterday was just amazing... And I can't wait till after school when I'm going to his to see him again (he's obviously not at school cuz he's ill)
Oh well...That's about it for now.

I was up till about 2 yesterday, writing on that stupid essay. or well, not only writing... I could've been done with it like hours ago, but when I'm at a computer I kidna can't do only one thing so I end up talking to someone on msn, looking at some website and writing. Equal it takes about 5 times as much time as it should. But when I actually start writing I can write like a page in ten minutes. However... I've still got about 2 pages left to write. Thiz mozilla window is full of windows saying things such as "medieval art", "medieval architecture" and "medieval church architecture". I would like to get an A on this essay, but I can't really be bothered to put that much effort into it and what I'm doing should give me a B so I'll just settle with that. There's 3 terms left on this course anyway, I've got more chances to make sure I get an A.
However, so I managed to loot a phone yesterday and I was talking to Victor for like half an hour or something until we had to stop talking cuz his throat was hurting so bad that he could barely talk. Sad face. But however.. I'll see him in a couple of hours cuz he's coming over to the flat (I'm going there at 5 as usual). He said he's got some kind of surprise for me and I'm all curious of what that can be. I tried to make him tell me what it is but he refused to and said he wanna see me when I get it. I even tried by saying I've got a surprise for him as well and I won't tell him what it is unless he told me but he still didn't. I made it sound like I don't actually have a surprise there, didn't I? Well I do. Or well.. It's actually for myself, but it'll be a surprise for him as well cuz I'm pretty sure he'll like it. Havn't ordered it yet though, will do tomorrow cuz that's when I get my moneyyyys.
I'm gonna go play some xbox now...
Ttyl.

I, my mom and my sister spent half day in Halmstad today, theonly place that's less then an hour away from here which u can (according to me) actually call a city. if it's even a city.. However. The plan was to buy clothes and we were expecting to return home overcrowded with bags, but we didn't. I bought myself some new underwear and a pencil sharpener for my eyeliner lol. My mom bought make up for about £60, I guess that's the most any of us spent on anythign and that was just simply cuz she hadn't bought any make up the last about 6 months.
Apart from that I've been here all day, havn't been on the xbox at all. I've been writing on my history essay like all afternoon and I'm still only halfway. And I need to get it (at least more or less) done before I leave at about 4 tomorrow! I'm screwed. or I'll have to sit here all night. Geez... I'd prefer not to have to write at the liberary after school you see. And i've got a test I need to study for as well.. And a thingy in swedish as well. Omg I've got too much to do. I've had nothing to do the last 6 months and now everything comes at the same time. The timing is HORRIBLE.
And well I was gonna ring Victor today, cuz we've been going out for 2 months today and well.. Cuz I miss him like hell. But when I tried to take the phone my mom was like "you don't have time to be on the phone, finnish that essay first." So.. I wasn't gonna ring him. But now I'm just waiting for an oppertunity to loot one of our (4) phones and ring him anyways, hopefully without mom noticing. So well... i don't actually have time for this. Fucking shit... I hate to have too much to do. Ah well..

I've been home for about 45 minutes now.. I managed to fall asleep I think 4 times on the buss. I'm like omg I'm so tired... And i don't feel like doing a shit. I've been at the xbox but I so couldn't be bothered... And I don't feel like sitting here either rly. I'm probably gonna end up watching TV and going to bed early today. And then tomorrow I have to write that history thingy.. and study for a test I've got on thursday. geez. That's so not what I feel like doing this weekend.
I've been feeling kinda bad ever sence I left school. I mean.. I ain't gonna see Victor till monday. Depression-o-meter goes HIGHHIGHHIGHHIGH. Sad face. This week have been just great. I think I've said it before but well, not the schooldays of the week are over and they've all been just.. Amazing. We've spent as much time as possible together this week. Idunno why it ended up being like that rly.. First I wasn't gonna be with him on wednesday but I was anyways. And the same yesterday.
Meh. Blabla, idunno. I'm talking to Darling on msn. And Nathan. He's off to scottland to join the army on monday. Sad face extreme... But then he ended up saying things like "I won't die I'm getting double kills and then I'll teabag them. And shouting out killing frenzy!" and that made me relax a bit more about it. I rly don't like that he's leaving.. Although I'll see him in the summer, before he goes out to war and dies or something. Argh.. now let's not think about that.
Just a kinda funny thing Darling just pointed out; the fact that both Cheggs and Victor are pretty much jealous of him. The two guys who like me are both jealous of Darling. And I kidna wonder why? Or I guess it's kinda obvious.. Andy's means so darn much to me, he's the person who knows the most about me and well he's my best friends. I guess they feel thretened?
And while I'm on about that... Victor seem to have left being jealous of Cheggs but well.. now he's a bit jealous of Andy instead. And I must admit the fact that it's getting a tiny bit on my nerves. or well.. yer.. ok it feels kinda flattering somehow, knowing he cares that much, but I still don't like. it's like.. John got so jealous of Ryan that he literally asked me to stop talking to him. Not that I think Victor would ever ask me to stop talking to Andy or Cheggs but still. I don't like it..
Ah well. I'm off to the TV now. Buhbai.

Why didn't I start writing till now? I've been here for like an hour already... Ah well.
I spent the night with Victor... And omg how I love being with him. There's something special about falling asleep and waking up next to him. It's the best feeling... I can't wait till next weekend. All weekend, all on our own. And we've got a week of holiday in not too long as well, hopefully I'll be with him most of that time..
Omg I gotta sound rly.. obsessed? I get that feeling sometime. That I'm just... too much. I rly hope I'm not cuz I wanna avoid that...
However. Friday, weekend. Gotta do loads of schoolwork all weekend. Blergh. And Victor's gonna be away so I won't see him or talk to him till like.. monday I guess. And tomorrow we've been going out for 2 months. It feels longer then that, but yet it doesn't. Meh... I'm just rambling. I miss him and it's an hour sence I last saw him. And about 10 minutes till I'll see him again.
I'll go now.. Can't be bothered to sit here anymore, and this keyboards is driving me nuts.

I'm at the liberary for the first time this week... Hightec shit. I'm tired like hell at the moment. And hungry as well.. And I'm probably gonna be here for another hour and a half. (I'm using Victor to be able to book two hours, equal up to 2 hours instead of 1, mehehe..) Aaaand then I'm off home, I'm gonna make dinner like instantly cuz I'm starving over here (nearly literally) and then I'll probably... fall asleep. Lol. I'm so tired... And then, hopefully, I'm going to Victor later and I'm gonna spend the night with him. Heaven.
I can rly sence the fact that I'm not at the computers too much anymore. I've been here for 25 minutes and I'm kinda bored already... Could be cuz I don't have anyone to talk to though. There's like no one online on msn... I'm probably gonna end up leaving earlier then I thought. Or not, deprends on what I end up doing. I could keep looking for a laptop. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a new one.. Appy face extreme or well not get.. I'm gonna buy it obviously.
I'm nearly falling asleep over here... I havn't been feeling to well lately and I've been dead tired. I don't sleep well, not at all. Apart from when I sleep with Victor, then i sleep too well haha. But actually.. This whole thingy with me and sleeping.. I started sleeping less when I started feeling bad, obviously. It started more seriously at about the same times as I moved from gothenburg and from what I concidered my home. Then I got over that and I started sleeping a bit better and well now.. I sleep shit apart from when I'm with Victor, which is where my home is. In his arms. Not at any specific place, not in this or that house. Just.. with him. And right now I'm just waiting to be with him again. Which is in about 4-5 hours... or well not till tomorrow if his mom says I can't sleep there. That would make me extremely sad face.
I want someone to come on msn now, I'm getting boredzzzz. Let's go laptop hunting.
Buhbai.

These last days have been just amazing. I spent all monday (including the night) with Victor and then I was with him till late yesterday as well. So, yesterday at about 11 was the first time I was at the flat this week. Kinda weird.. but I have nothing against it. Being with him these days have been just so.. Epic. Lol. I don't know what's been different from before really. Not that it actually has to be anything really but.. You know.. I've got more of that newly in love feeling now then I had at the start. Weird, innit? I don't wanna be away from him for even a second. When I had to leave yesterday it was just so.. horrible. Luckily I was well tired so I fell asleep almost instantly when I got to the flat but oh god how I hate those ~20 minutes it takes to get home from his house. it's always dark outside, no one's out, quate alot of houses are completely black cuz it's so late and well those things just makes me feel even more that I just wanna go back to him, go back to his arms and never leave.
I wasn't sopposed to be with him today.. But it seems like I'm going to anyways. Cheggs must be devastated lol. He texts me every day and asks if I'm going on msn. I talked to him though, so he's calmed down quite alot. He still ends texts with "love u <3" and similar but apart from that he ain't on me too much. And also he seem to have found interest in this girl at his school. I think that's well good for him.
it's about half an hour till I see him, he's got a lesson and i've got a break. I don't start at 12 on wednesdays anymore cuz I had to move my singing lesson so I start at 9:30 now, blergh. Still ok though, 1½ hours more sleep then usual but it also means I'm always gonna have 1 hour with absolutely nothing to do. Omg all these breaks.. Ah well. Give me time to write here doesn't it? haha.
Ah well.. I've got a headache and I feel a bit sick. I've been feeling like this for 3 days now. I think I should actually have stayed at home but well.. I refuse. being at home is equal no Victor is equal deaded me. Not good.

I can't say, or think, or feel, or whatever how much Darling means to me. I've been starting to realize that lately. Every night this weekend I've been talking to him on msn and he's made me all happy and feeling loved and everything. And Cheggs as well. Omg I love my friends. And I also miss Victor so so so much.. But I'll see him in a couple of hours, appy face.
Just a random comment. I should be off to bed now, gotta be up at 7 tomorrow. My mom allowed me to skip my first lesson so i won't have to be up at 6. Go mom. Ah well. Night night xx

I don't know what's happening really, but whatever it is I want to stop it. Lately I've been feeling kind of bad but for once in a while I've been able to hide it quite well. I'm just starting to feel like I'm like.. Wasting my life or something. I'm starting to feel locked inside again. I've felt like this before.. I just want to get away from here. I don't actually care where, why, to who. I just want to get away. Run away. Escape from everything. I'm so confused about everything and I don't know what I want, and even less who I am...
My mom said today that Victor in many different ways reminds her of Zeth, and as a matter of fact I've seen that. I nearly called him Zeth once and they're just.. Very alike in so many ways. And that kind of scares me. Not that it has anything to do with this really but anyways... I'm just so.. Omg I don't know. I'm overdosing depressing songs right now, nearly crying. I'm in a party with Darling, Cheggs and Daniel at the moment but I've got the music so loud that I can't hear what they're saying and I've muted my mic. idunno what the point of being online is but anyways... hearing their voices makes me feel a tiny bit better.
There's no point in me writing really.. Cuz it doesn't help me a shit cuz I have no idea what's going on. I'm just... lost. maybe I could keep this feeling for tomorrow and sing that song better cuz I have the right feeling.. Meh. idunno. and now I just randomly got nervous for tomorrow. I gotta make sure I know the lyrics by heart.

I wish I didn't depend on your love
I wish I loved myself enough

And maybe it isn't too weird that I enjoy being loved by people... I need others to love me because I can't do it myself. Oh geez.

I just love this lyric so I thought I'd post it here... I'm off to my brothers birthday dinner like any minute now. Pizza, yum yum!

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to e

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold him when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left him when I found him
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold him when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left him when I found him
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold him when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left him when I found him
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again...

I realized that I never actually say anything about my family... Could be because there isn't really too much happening. But I realized today that there's this one thing that's like.. bad in this family. A thing about my stepdad. I'm making this sound completely wrong right now, but don't... My stepdad is great and he's ten times as much of a dad to me then my biological dad has ever been. But however he gets upset about these certain things quite easily. Like just now, just ten minutes ago my mom came up to me and told me I had to talk more quiet and turn down the volume on the TV and it was like.. He was getting seriously annoyed. I was talking in my normal tone and the volume of the TV was actually quite low. But he can only focus on one sound at the time, so when he started focusing on the sounds I made he couldn't hear anything from the TV and it made him seriously annoyed...
Another thing was yesterday, I was at home alone with my sister and 3 of her friends and I had to make dinner (or well I just had to put it in the oven) and I managed to burn it. Strangely enough, sence I did exactly like my mom told me and I even had it in for 10 minutes less then she said. However... This made my stepdad annoyed and for a while it seemed as if he didn't even wanna eat it although it was just very little on the top of the food that was burned, you could easily remove it. And he got pissed with me because of this. But the worst thing about all of this is that both of these times he gets pissed with my mom, as if it was her foult I'm doing things wrong and that makes her upset or sad and then she comes and yelles at me because my stepdad's yelling at her. And I just really hate that.. I know it doesn't sound like something serious when I say it like this but it makes me feel so horribly bad when it happens. I nearly started crying yesterday cuz my mom was so upset and I just.. blergh..

But however... My sister had 3 friends coming over yesterday and I was alone with them for a couple of hours and that was just.. horrible. 4 typical 14 year old girls, no parents = end of the world.
And thennn... Today is Crow's 18th birthday so my family's going out for dinner later to celebrate. And cuz of this I ain't going back to the flat today as I usually do but I'll have to be up at 5 tomorrow omg x( and that's also equal not seeing Victor till tomorrow. 3 days without him is way too much.
Ah well, I'm gonna.. go.. do.. something else now.. lol.
Oh and btw, I might buy myself a new laptop. Appy face!

I'm talking to Andy on msn... And i really can't say it enough how glad I am that I decided to forgive him. To go back to being his friend. Because omg such friends we are. We don't actually talk very often, but when we talk we really are like the best of friends.
He was feeling kinda bad today and don't know why but he said that when he talks to me it always makes him feel happier. "Having you as a friend will always make me happy xxx" he said. And it makes me go all "awww :')" I've really got a great friend in him, even if he can annoy me sometimes and managed to piss me off completely once. But it doesn't matter. I can see why it was so hard to separate the line between being in love with him and just being a really good friend with him. And looking back... I think what made Andy believe/realize (I mean I can't really know for sure if he was in love with me or not) he was actually in love with me was when I started going out with Jesper and I guess he was somehow afraid of loosing me. If I wouldn't have known better now I would probably still believe I was seriously in love with Andy. But I know better then that now. But I must admit... I do miss this whole thingy of your boyfriend being your best friend as well. Cuz it both makes it alot easier to move on once it ends cuz ur still friends and probably were before you started going out as well. And also because that makes the two most inportant persons in your life gather in one. You don't have to choose between your best friend or your boyfriend(/girlfriend) which I've experienced is kinda hard. It way too often happens that you choose your love instead of your friends and then you start slipping away from your friends.
Meh, I'm just rambling... But to sum this all up, to gather my feelings to Andy in a shorter way... if I would say one name, one person that is the person I love it would be him. Don't get this wrong now, I love Victor so incredably much. But there's different kinds of love, and the love I have with Andy is a more... Idunno.. Deep one? We know each others inside and out, there's not a shit in this world I couldn't tell him and.. yer, u know. He's my best friend.
I'm getting tired now, i should really be off to bed. Night night.

I had my first singing lesson of the year earlier. And... I actually got someting to think about today, that didn't have anything with te singing to do.
Well first of all I can tell you all that I'm not stressed about monday anymor cuz it went well good on the practise today. I seriously gave my teacher goosebumps cuz I sang so well o_O it was kinda weird. However... She was like "hey can I be honest with you?" and I was like wtf's goingon now.. However, what she said was that when she first met me she tought I was a very open, self confident person. But now she's realized I'm not. "I'm stong on teh surface, not all the way through." And she's right. I've never actually thought about it before.. I know it, but I havn't been thinking about it.
Most people who know me, ok well but not very deeply, probably thinks I'm a quit social, secure person... At least that's the feeling I get of myself. But I'm rly not... I'm confused, with no structure in my life what so ever, I hate myself and... yer.
But... I'm gonna be practising all weekend, I'm gonna be able to relax, play along and do great on monday. My goal is to blow everyone away. Especually my teacher. I wanna show her that I actually can do it.
The only problem is tha I'm gonna be nervous as hell, and that doesn't really makeme act better. Although... I shall do my best, and I shall try. Not only to prove to her that I can, but also t prove to myself that I've got no reason to lock myself inside.

I am... Such an idiot sometimes. I get upset by these tiny things that I shouldn't be bothered about. I make things that are actually nothing into something huge. And omg.. That look Victor gets on his face every time he realizes I'm upset about something... Seeing that is just horrible. It's inpossible to miss the fact that it hurts him knowing he's done something bad to me. And how I hate it.. Seeing him hurt. But badly enough it feels like I'm kinda good at doing that. Hurting him. I always say I'm an honest person. I never lie, or at least I do my best to avoid it. but maybe I should just stop that... Actually try to hide when I'm hurt or feeling bad so he won't get worried. Not tell him everything that's on my mind, and not even giving a sign that there's something going on. Meh, idunno... I just don't want to hurt him. Not a single time, not for a single second.
I'm pretty sure I've told you what my biggest, and well kind of only true fear is? To hurt the ones I love. So maybe I'm just worrying too much, maybe I feel like I do it more then I actually do? Because it scares the shit out of me? Ah well I don't know.. I miss him. And how long is it sence I left him? like an hour or something. And I ain't gonna get "proper" time with him till like.. monday. Or next week however. Sad face... Just thinking of that makes me miss him even more.
Oh well................... I'm tired, thirsty like hell and kinda hungry, and dunno what to say. So this'll due for now.

Soo... I had two lessons today. P.E and music theory. I was sopposed to have my singing lesson but for some reason I didn't have it.. And that kinda worries me. Cuz I've got this... well kind of a singing test on monday. All class is conna play their main instruments for the rest of the class. And well, the song I'm sopposed to sing... I've only practiced it ONCE before. And I don't have any more lesson before monday and I don't think I've got time to add a extra one either. Like omgwtfbbq? Sure, I can practice at home, but that's not the same. The thing with these lessons are that my teacher tells me what I do wrong, what I should/could do better etc. And I don't even close to sing this song perfectly yet. (It's "Think of me" from the Phantom of the OPera btw. For those who have heard it, well you know how damn complicated the ending is...) So I'm well stressed about that at the moment...

Idunno what more to say rly. I've only gor 12 minutes left here and then I'll be waiting for Victor to come back and I'll spend another like two hours with him. *instert heart here*
And btw.. Something he and I were talking about last night... When we write here, we make it sound like everything's just crap between us at the moment, don't we? Well it's not. Some things are kinda.. bad, I guess? But generally things are still good. And I'm partly starting to get this kind of newly-in-love-feeling back for some reason. Or well I'm strating to miss him as soon as I'm away from him again. I kinda got used to that there for a while, and being away from him for a couple of hours was ok. But now I find it horrible being away from him for like 10 minutes again. I kinda don't like that, but at the same time I do. Uhm.. ah well. 2 minutes left now. Byebye.

I spent the night at Victor's. And omg it's hard to get up in the morning when I do, lol. I wish I could feel that every morning I wake up... All happy that he's there next to me. That he's the first thing I see, the first I feel, the first I smell... Ah well. I'm wearing his hoodie and it smells like him so I'll try to survive with that for now. We didn't start till 12 today and he didn't feel too well so he stayed at home. I'll go back to him for an hour after school, then he has to go to some meeting thingy and I'll be off to the liberary. I'm having a break between lessons right now, next lesson is in 15 minutes.. I'm not sure if I actally have that lesson though cuz someone was on about the teacher not being here but meh, idunno. I'll go there and if no ones comes I'll go to Victor and ten go back here for my singing lesson and then.. err.. go back to Victor again lol. (I say lol too much...)
I'll write more later. I gotta go look through my locker and find both my muxic theory stuff and my notes for the singing lesson...
Ttyl.

I only have 5 minutes till my lesson starts. Actually, I was sopposed to have computer class before this but I kinda forgot to set my alarm so I missed it. Go me.
I was with Victor for a couple of hours yesterday and we talked a little and blabla.. What I was on about yesterday, about that I've seen how this is gonna end.. Well it depends on what you believe, but I think there's nothing that says that can't be changed. And I so want to change that. I don't want this to end.. So let's make sure it doesn't end, shall we?
I don't have much to say now really... I might be on at the liberary for like 30 minutes later. I'll be with Victor till about 6:30 if I remember it correctly and then the liberary closes at 7 so yer...
However. I'll write later, or tomorrow if I can't be bothered with the liberary today.

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop
Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
 This emptiness is killin' me
Im wondering why I've waited so long
I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

Everything always seems to happen at the same time, doesn't it? One little thing happens and that turns out to be the tigger of several other things. That thing I wrote the other day seems to have been one of those things. Or maybe it've been going on for quite long, it just didnt actually appear till now? However... I'm actually kinda scared. I'm scared, worried, and pissed. Scared that I'll manage to screw things up, worried about the future and pissed cuz we let this happen. And I've seen it... I've seen how things arn't gonna fix themselves. And it scares me. I don't want it to happen. I don't wanna loose him, and I don't wanna end up in that.. Fighting because you think it's worth it, but after all you know it's of no use. God I hope I'm wrong. But even heaven can burst into flames, can't it? But let's make this an exception.

I did my best to please you
But my best was never good enough
Somehow you're only able to see
All I am not
Did you ever look behind
Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find
I have failed you
but you have failed me too
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
do you ever wonder if it's justified

I bet you don't know how it feels when your life flashes before your eyes...

It is after all kinda fascinating how things change in life. How you can wish for something, how you can want something so badly, how you can be planning something... But in the end, when you reach that point, it's not what you actually want or get. Do you get what I mean? I'm not sure if I've been on about this earlier but however I started thinking about it now, so in that case... You'll have to survive hearing it again
I mean... I was once living for the day I'd go to collage. When I did start collage that was all gone. I once dreamed about moving to London to play in the Phantom of the Opera. (That's where this whole me wanting to move to england thingy started, I don't think I've actually ever mentioned that...) I was once living for the day I could be with John, equal when I'm done with collage. I was living for the day I could be with Darling... It now happens sometime that I and Victor talk about the future years ahead and well now I just casually... Don't know what I'm looking forward to really. I don't know what my dreams are. I don't actually dare dreaming cuz I know these things can come and go so easily... And I actually have no idea where I'm going in life. I wanna get to england, I'm gonna be there in the end. I know that.. And I wanna got o a good university there. Study music. Become either musical artist, song teacher, or just music teacher. Something like that... I wanna work with music. That's all I know. Or maybe that's not as little as I seem to think it is? It's just that I've always had such big dreams, always a goal, always knows where I wanted to get. I had my plan on how I would move back to gothenburg at the time I wanted that... I had my plans on how to surive waiting for 3 years till I could be with John. But now I don't dare to plan that much because I know it could very well be of no use.

And btw.. omg I miss him. And it seems like forever till I see him. (I'm obviously not talking about John now, lol) It's kinda weird how such short time can feel like forever after all. I mean.. Thinking of how long you live it should be nothing. But that it isn't is a fact. And I wanna be with him, not, forever... (and I said I don't like forevers...)
Nighty night.

I've been playing Halo 3 nearly all day today, playing and talking to people. And I've been using my stepbrother's laptop so I've been on msn like all day as well.
This talking about the summer holidays seems to keep going. I was talking to Dougle about it today and omg I'm so looking forward to it, and so is Cheggs and Dougle. Idunno about Nathan. But however... Idunno if it's a good or a bad thing to be looking forward to something that's 6 months into the future? It's a pretty long time afterall. Even though I know time passes by in a incredable speed. I mean... this term, these last 6 months were so.. damn.. fast! And it even felt fast while it was happening. If you get what I mean? THings usually don't feel fast while happening but when you look back at it they do. These last 6 months have been fast in every possible way.
Meh... Idunno what to say really? I've got some things to talk to Cheggs about so I wish he could come on msn... APart from that.. I'm going back to the flat tomorrow. But I guess I'll write something tomorrow as well.
Byebye for now.

I was talking a bit to Cheggs about me going to him in the summer holidays earlier. And right now I'm talking to Nathan about it as well. Cuz Nathan's going down to Cheggs' at about the same time as I am. Or well he's gonna stay at Adam's but that's the same, kinda. And also Dougle might come with Nathan. (They live like way up north. Dunno where but it's pretty far from Southampton or whatever the place he lives in is called) The thing was that there was a risk I couldn't come to Cheggs at the same time as Nathan and Dougle cuz he don't have enough space at home, but now that they're staying at Adams that doesn't matter. And also, Nathan actually wants to come pick me up at the airport. Equal cheaper for me not having to pay for the train ticket So... it ain't gonna be too expensive to go there (If I'm lucky I might get it for like £80, maybe even less!) and.. well.. yer.. :3 Geez I'm so looking forward to it already and it's over 6 months left. Lol.
Ah well, I better go to bed now. It's 2:40 here now.

Alot happened. Well you can read Victor's respond to what I wrote about our relationship. When i read that, I flipped. Completely. I fell apart and omg I've never had such panic before. idunno what kind of reaction I was actually expecting but.. you know. In that moment I was so incredably afraid  of loosing him. I've never ever felt that kind of fear before.
I just finnished talking to Victor on the phone for about.. 1½ hours or something? And well after a quite odd moment.. Loads of silence, me crying for like 20 minutes and.. blabla. (I got my drama, didn't I? And geez I don't want it again.) but well.. in the end, there seem to have been quite a good outcome of all of this. We ended up talking about like.. What we can improve. Kind of. And well we came to the conclusion that we need to talk more. Lol. And now... I just miss him so incredably much.
Ah well. i'm gonna edit some photos from new year and when I and Victor was in gothenburg now and then I'm off to bed.

I found this topic on the "help with life" forum on deviantart.com called "what would you class as love" and read through all of the thread. here's some of them, the ones I.. err... Liked the most.

Best example is my grandparents. Married for almost 60 years, last words my grandfather spoke before he died was "God I love that woman!". So love is someone you could spend 60 years with and wish you could spend another 60 by their side.

- Well, love for me is when two persons actually care for one and another. As get worried if one of them are hurt, think of them at times, comfort each other when their togheter. Someone you can share your mind and thoughts with, without them being spread like wildfire through a community such as school, work etc.
- ok so would you class that as being in love with someone? or just general love?
- Well, more like general love. If you are in love with sombody, you will feel like a half and when that person is close or with you, you would feel whole. that how i would illustrate love thou. My girlfriend lives about 4 hours away from where i live, and we only see each other, every other weekend, but when we are togheter, we are at the first night all over eachother, but for the rest we and unseperatable!
- If you look at life as the game Sims, where you have the friend bar. Normally you would have all randoms which you dont know at 0. And maybe one day a cute person goes by and that number would change to 3. Then if you like somebody, and not like them enough to be a couple i would say that number is around 50. I my self have had that experience with other girls. i like them alot, but still not enough to become a couple for some reason. I guess it has to do with the attraction of like hobbies, body, interests and such. But with my girlfirned now, we have the smae interests and body types, we like the same cartoons and things (except food) So we are very close. I guess its a try and fail method to find the right one

Love is giving someone the power to hurt you terribly. And hoping they don't.

Love is that giddy feeling you get when the person calls you on the phone and you don't want to do anything but look in their eyes, kiss them, hold their hand etc. However, being IN love is when you have that feeling and knowledge that you would do anything for that person, and you respect them and they respect you. You just want to take care of them and love them forever. That's how I feel any way...

Music really makes you think, doesn't it? On the 1½ hours long trip it takes for me to get here from school I had time to think way too much. And I was listening to Coldplay as well. They always makes me think. And I actually hate the fact that I like them so much, and that they make me think and feel. Because of the reason I started listening to them. because of the words that made me think "hey maybe I should start listening to them more properly". I don't like the words that made me think that. Those words are part of something that hurts. But however...

One of the 3 main things I was thinking about was the simple sentence that I don't want a forever. With Victor and just... generally. I don't think I'm actually after a forever. It's not that I'm not taking our relationship seriously but... let me tell you why, and not just that "that's how it is..."
I've been engaged 4 times. or.. 3½. I'm 16 and I've been engaged that many times, isn't it just.. insane? I was engaged with Theo. My very first boyfriend. I was 13, he was 18... "Will you... maybe not marry me, but will you engage me?" he asked and I said yes. We even got rings. Not expensive ones, but still proper rings.
Zeth and I got engaged as well. i think that was the most serious one. And I can remember how we were both all like "this is never gonna end" and I'm pretty sure he actually felt that. And that's mostly why I thought of him as a liar when he broke up with me all of a sudden. I still feel like what we had wasn't actually for real.
John said that he could wait for me. it didn't matter that he had to wait for 3 years till we could be together for real, he said he loved me so much it was worth the waiting. We got "half" engaged. he said that he'd propose to me properly in the future, but for the time being we had these necklaces that we both always wore instead.
Jesper seemed to see me as his soulmate. I managed to get annoyed by his obsession with me several times. bad enough, sence I was actually going out with him for over a month... nearly 2 I think?
Andy and I got engaged as well. That was the least serious case, but still. We didn't see a reason for it to ever end either. "hey darling, u know I'm never gonna be the one ending this." "Well neither am I" "I guess we'll be together forever then" "Yer. Well I don't mind."
It never actually turns out quite the way you thought it would huh? Thinking in "forevers" might seem good at the moment. You're madly in love and you can't imagine that feeling ever going away. But it does... And when it does, you just get confused, don't you?

That feeling... That special feelings seems to be all gone to me. I see no special in mine and Victor's relationship. I actually find it kinda.. boring? Geez this sounds just horrible. And that's not my intention. I love him, but... I thought this would be something else. I admit the fact that I somehow, in a strange way feel a bit disappointed. I was expecting this to be something special. But it turned out not to be. It's just as... Normal as everything else. it's snuggling, it's sex, it's spending time together... But that's not special is it? I really don't know how to explain this.. But I think I've been on about this before; I need action in my life. or you know.. I keep saying I want my life to be simple. But actually I don't. i can't stand my life being boring, easy, perfect. And I guess that's kinda connected to what I've been on about me not liking to be just happy. But however... Things between me and Victor are just great, no bigger problems really, no drama, but nothing special either. That "being in love"-feeling you always seem to have in the beginning isn't really here anymore. And this worries me. Am I gonna, probably without intention, do something stupid to create some kind of drama? Will I just simply try to... change things? I'm just simply very insecure about myself. And I don't know myself well enough to know what's going to happen, to know what's going on. I don't want to screw this up, but I wouldn't mind some kind of change. it's too... ordinary for me. it's too.. Nothing.
Gosh I'm sorry. And gosh I'm so confused...

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

I'm on a computer for the first time in about a week, lol. This computer class ends 45 minutes earlier then usual so I can't spend too much time typing here, but hey, it's weekend, I've got loads of time to be writing don't I? Back to normal now School and stuff is up and going again.

However... I've reached the point where I don't know what I can actually write here. I started doing this with the intention of being able to write absolutely everything. Telling you everything that's going on in my head without being bothered about people reading it... But I've reached the point where I've got people reading this who I might not want to know everything. Not only one person, so I'm not only on about Victor, but (I ain't gonna mention a number) but some more. So, the question is if I should let people know what I'm thinking through reading this... or should I just not write it. Should I just... Leave it, and don't keep going with the purpose of this blog at its full rate. I'm afraid I'm actually going to do what I shouldn't. I'm afradin I'm actually going to end  up writing things that should be said face to face, or not said at all. Cuz it does, after all, make me feel alot better writing here... It makes me go through my thoughts, rinse them. And no, I can't just write it but not post it. it doesn't give the same effect. Dilemma? Kinda.
I'll write more later when I'm home. And well yeah... You're probably actually going to get some action again. Lol.

Sorry I havn't written anything in a while, but I've been with Victor ever sence I wrote the last time and I will be till friday or something. Hope y'all had a good new year xx