I just, for the first time in a long time, read through the blogs of two old friends. Two of the people who stoped talking to me that time, over a year ago. These two people started going out about.. a year and a half ago, I think. And I realized while reading it through that they broke up about 2 months ago. And this just made me think.. What make people break up after such long time? I mean what makes things just screw up or the feelings just disappear just like that after such a long time? My longest relationhsip this far lasted for a bit less then 6 months. Then he broke up with me cuz the feelings disappeared. The rest of my relationships didn't pass the 3 month line. Or well John did, but only with like 2 weeks. And the times I was the one breaking up it was for an obvious reason... but when its been so long as over a year.. What actually makes it end? Do feelings actually just die out like that? And in that case... Why is that? What makes the love go away? Why does it just.. fade away? It's a complete mystery to me and I so don't get it. If it can last longer then a couple of months that probably means its got soem kind of real base and that there's true love involved and well.. Then how can it just.. die? Meh. it'll stay a mystery for me until the day it actually happens. If it actually happens. It actually wouldn't surprise me if it never does. But yet, I'm only 16, what do I actually know? it feels like I know everything about love cuz I've been through so much about it but I can't really know, can I? Every time I've been in a relationship I realize more and more how to know what love actually is. I've learned to see the difference between fancying and being in love.

And just a random thingy.. I remembered I promised Victor to look up how I explained to Mag what my tattoo's about and I looked it up so I thought I'll just put it here and so I don't have to remember it lol;

I've got a X on my left ring finger, the finger where you keep your wedding ring with other words. It's kind of a symbol of me taking over my own life, not letting things and others screw it up and rule it anymore. A kind of promise of a commitment to myself, to step up for myself and take care of myself. Among alot of other things I cba to go through.. That tiny thing's got loads of meanings weaved into it.

Today is just sooo damn slow. I've got literally nothing to do and I'm just all like "time go fasterrrr..." cuz i want it to be tomorrow sooner. I wanna be with Victor again... I miss him. (insert extremely sad face)  And I'm just all boredboredboredboredo.. I played some spore, I tried drawing a little and now I'm editing random photos which I can't even actually use for anything. None of it is very entertaining really. Oh and well yeah, I was down and watched some Robot Wars as well. But TV bored me quite easily. And I've got no one to talk to on msn either.. Maybe I should go play some Halo 3? I'll probably get bored of that as well but meh, worth a try I guess.

Something I've been thinking abut recently.. or well, I started thinking about it last night. Maybe I shouldn't go to england after all? Victor said this something.. That if I go, he'll probably be wondering for the rest of.. well, our relationship, if I ever did anything with Cheggs or not. And that would probably break our relationship in the end. And the thought of that I might be going is so obviously making him feel bad and.. Stuff. So I just randomly started thinking that maybe I shouldn't go after all? As it is right now I actualy feel like I'm mostly going to see Adam and Dougle, and not Cheggs. Cuz as I've said I'm starting to feel like I wanna back off from him. And.. well the fact that if I go I'll be staying at Cheggs' place and he'll be all omg she came to see me. And that would e just.. wrong, wouldn't it? So, the question is.. Is seeing some of my friends more important then the bad sides of this? I don't think so. I can see them some other time, something I can't do when it comes to saving the love I share with Victor. And well, also... I'm in a über lack of money at the moment cuz I'm saving up for going to england... It would be kinda good to actually be able to afford getitng some clothes and games and stuff. So I'm actually very close to deciding not to go right now.. The question is how to explain that to Cheggs? I think I'll need to talk to Dougle a little before I make up my mind. He always seems to help me when it comes to this kind of stuff.
If anyone has a comment on this, plz tell me. I really need people's opinions since my head is, after all, all messed up and I can't really tel what's proper, logical thinking and what isn't.
I'm gonna surf around and look for shoes now.. lol, I wanna buy shoes, again. And then I think I'll go kill some n00bs on Halo 3.

I've been awake for about 30-40 minutes, and this far... It've all just been crap. Gosh I'm not feeling well. Sometimes I wished everyone could see your reaction when they said something and start in time.
First: I mentioned that my mom had to sign this paper about what courses I'm gonna do next year. She asked which those are and so I told her. The first thing she reacted on was the fact that I chose sound technology instead of Music theory B and Arrangement and composion. The thing is... I can't be bothered with any more music theory. I hate it and well it's the subject at school which I have to work harderst on. It makes me feel stupid, cuz I'm so bad at it. Or at least I feel bad at it. When I first heard I had to choose between these two things I was all like ohno... Cuz it was between what I should have, and what I wanted to have. I decided not to think and just simply chose what I wanted to have. I couldn't be bothered to think too much about the future cuz I was too warn out already. But now... I feel like I should change it. When it's too late. Or at least I think it's too late.. And then I todl her I chose piano as my 2nd instrument and when I said that she was like "so no guitar then?" with a... cocky/disappointed voice. Weird mix, but idunno how to explain it. And well yer, I wanna learn how to play piano more then I wanna learn how to play guitar. But she thinks I should choose guitar cuz it's easier to prectice since I've got´a guitarat the flat but only a keyboard here in the house. And well, so she criticised two out of 3 of the things I had chosen. And it just makes me feel so damn shit. I worry too damn much about the future already and I don't fucking need her to remind me of it.
And as if that wasn't enough she said "hey Selene, you need to get a summer job" as in if it was a demant, not an option. Yes, I do wanna get a summer job. Yes, I have actually applied for one already. But that's not the thing. The thing is the fact that she's.. pushing me, making me feel so damn horribly BAD about my future. And omg I'm crying now. Why am I crying? For fuck's sake... As if the present isn't hard enough you have to push me about the future, don't you? Fucking.. damn.. douche.. SHIT.
Am I overreacting? Am I taking this way too serious, feeling alot worse about it then I should? Maybe. But I am. And omg I hate it. And omg I don't wanna be alone right now.. Victor, where are you when you're needed?

My brother managed to interrupt me though.. I was on the way to start crying like seriously, but then he knocked on my door and asked for the CD-key for Spore. And there I wiped my face and stoped crying. And then it havn't resturned. I'm still feeling shit though. But well, I guess... my biggest problem, and well the problem I've always had, is the fact that all of my emotions are really extreme. I don't get just a little down, I get sad and usually start crying. I don't get a little bit annoyed with someone, I get pissed. Or well ok, that's not as extreme. But when it comes to sadness it is. And when it comes to happiness it usually is as well. If I'm happy I'm usually überly happy. Kind of nice actually... But I guess that's weighed down by the sadness-thingy.

And well.. OMG THE HALO WARS SOUNTRACK! It's amazing... I just finnished listening it through when I wrote that sentance.. Weird lol.
And I just have to say.. 11 visitors when I come online at 11 in the morning? I usually have about 20-25 so that's... well.. half of them.. Omg what are you doing up that early??? umm random comment. I'm in a better mood now. Simply stoped thinking.

I'm gonna burn the Halo Wars soundtrack for Victor now and then I might go play some Spore.. Or I might go on the xbox. Idunnoooo... Havn't played Halo in ages.

The Halo Wars soundtrack.. breathtaking. This song makes me so damn emotional, omg it's so beautiful This is the song I heard that time when I woke up and heard the Halo Wars soundtrack and went all emotional, if anyone happens to remember that.

However. I'm off to bed now. Just gonna sync my iPod so I'll get the soundtrack to it and thennn I'll fall asleep listening to it. Awesommmme.

Night night xx

The more or less first thing that happened when mom picked me, Crow and Karro up at the bus was that she noticed the fact that Karro had more piercings in her ears then before. And then that somehow lead to her having to show off her tounge and so mom knows about her "secret" piercings. And I was rly worried for a while, cuz... What are the odds? That she finds out the day after Karro told me. So I was rly worried that she would think I had told her. But she didn't seem upset or pissed with me so I don't think she did. Hopefully she didn't.

Apart from that... Nothing's happened really. I played some phantasy star universe with Darling but I couldn't be bothered to play anything at all so I left after just one game. And then I was reeeeally tired so I went to bed and fell asleep for about 45 minutes. Then I woke up, went downstairs and looted a phone and rang Victor. We talked for about half an hour and then, well... here I am now. I'm casually emotional, listening to Sam whining about not being able to talk to her girlfriend and missing Victor. Like hell. I've got his hoodie and it smells like him and I can't stop smelling it. Gosh I miss him so much... Hearing his voice was some kind of trigger and now I just really wanna be with him. It's so long left till I see him on tuesday.. A few ours less then two days. That's about.. a few hours less then two days too much! Gosh it sucks being in love at some points. Or well no, not really, but I guess you know what I mean?
However. I don't have much to say really, just whining about missing Victor... I think I'm gonna go down get something edible and then I'm gonna take some photos and edit themmm..

Love

Written earlier today, while waiting for the bus;

Something horribe happened today. Or well.. it was part good, I think. It made me think, it made me realize alot. It all started with the most silly thing, but I and Victor.. We didn’t start arguint really, but we were both upset and we started talking. What happened doesn’t really matter that much, what matters is what I realized afterwords. And well.. Damn, how I’m not worth that guy. I treat him like shit.. And.. well.. Goddamnit I just keep lying to myself. I keep lying to make things more simple for myself. ”I just simply don’t know myself, I’m bad at controlling myself…” gosh that’s such a lie! Not completely a lie, but not completely tru either. I know myself. I know myself very well. Most of the times. The only times I don’t know myself is when something new happens, but that’s kind of obvious innit? But I realized that.. This have happened before. I’ve done this before. And that last time I promised myself never to do it again. The results of it were disastorous. I lost nearly all of my friends and made people litterally hate me. And well, what I’m doing is.. I’m not completely sure but… I overreact. I’m too sensitive, and I don’t try to do anything about that. Yeah, sure, I’m diagnosed depressed and a doctor once told me I’m on the edge of having borderline, but that’s no excuse is it? I keep using it as an excuse, both for myself and for others. Huge mistake. That I’m generally feeling shit doesn’t give me the right to be a jerk to others. Especually not the one I love the most. I overreact, get upset about nothing and then turn it into being someone else’s foult. And then what happens? The person in question feels guilty and poof! I feel bad about making someone else feel guilty. And then I usually realize, afterwords when I think it through, that it was part, usually quite alot, my foult as well. And I don’t do anything.. I’m just.. GAH! I’m an idiot. I’m a selfish idiot and I need to take control of myself. You’re an idiot Selene, an idiot. Gosh I’m not worth him. I would have to make it up to him for the rest of my life * 10 and not even that would be enough.

None of this is his foult. Or well, yes, it is, part. It’s his foult I’m so damn sensitive at the moment. I can’t take any kind of criticism from him cuz I’ve already heard too much of it. I know how he likes gloating and telling me he won, I was right, you got owned and.. you know. That’s not my foult. But I’m a bit too sensitive about it, that’s my foult. But yer… This is all my foult. He havn’t doen much wrong and to be honest I can’t see why the hell he’s still with me. Cuz he loves me? Yes, true, and gosh how much he seems to love me.. Just looking into his eyes usually makes me feel all that love inside of me. But still.. Does this, does us really do more then good then bad for him? I’m just so damn worried it ain’t that way… I’m so damn worried one of us is gonna give u completely. I don’t want that to happen. And what scares me even more is… I have no idea how to stop it. There’s a reason I’m doing the same mistake a second time; I don’t know how to handle it. But oh god how I will try. I will try my best and so much more. Cuz it’s worth it. I won’t let him down, I won’t let myself down either. I’ll just… have to actually start thinking. And I can easily recognize and well.. realize when these things happen. I’ve just gotta learn to stop it, learn how to handle it. Eventually I will. Bare with me, I’ll do it. There’s too much at risk if I don’t. I’ll make it, I’ll do it. For him. For us. For the future.
I don’t know if this makes any kind of sence to you, but it does to me. It makes so damn much sence it could kill me.

Gosh I love him so much. And omg I miss him. I’ve gotta ring him later today, either I’m allowed to or not.

Yesterday evening/night was just the weirdest ever.. (not true, but you know what I meeeeean) First of all I was talking to my sister, Karro (Karolina) for several hours. And then I managed to piss Cheggs off. Or.. I'm not sure if I ever did piss him off or not. However, let's take it from the start..
I was was talking to Babe (Dougle) for several hours, about like.. everything. Quite alot about Cheggs. Even more alot about sex, haha. He enjoys talking about it as much as I do. Which is alot. I find it seriously fun to talk about sex, and like joke around and be all flirtious. I'm usually not serious though. However.. And at the same time I was talking to Karro. That conversation started with her saying "You're sopposed to punish me " and I was all like wtf? And then it appeared she's - of course - the one who've had my iPod all along. I believe I mentioned that? How my iPod mysteriously disappeared but i couldn't be bothered to try finding it cuz I was using my mom's walkman instead, listening to CDs but now that I've got a laptop again I wanted to start using it again and I turned the whole house and flat upside down and still couldn't find it. I thought Karro had it, but she said no and my mom was all like "be nice to your sister..." when I said I thought she had it. And was I right? Of course. She had it. Since I'm only at home on weekends she likes taking advantage of going into my room and loot my stuff. Alot. However, then she started going on about us wanting to be able to tell each others things without the other telling you off to our parents. Well.. to explain that; Karro found out I had gotten a tattoo and told our mom. Two weeks later I found out she had pierced her bellybutton and I had my revenge. She said she didn't want that kind of stuff and I was like sure, ok. Although, if you compare my sister and I, I'm a saint. She drinks, smokes, have several secret piercings and lies alot. I havn't done even a 10th of what she's done. But however. And when I agreed on this she started showing me all her piercings that mom doesn't know about on webcam and told me loads about that she's smoking and the times she's lied to mom to be with friends and drink and blabla. I actually couldn't care less. She's just like everyone else. It's kind of obvious why she liads though, cuz both me and my brother are reaaaaally proper persons. We don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't fuck around etc. etc. She's the only one of the three of us who does. But well so yeah.. That was a bit odd. Feels good to not have to worry about her telling me off anymore. And I was actually a bit surprised when she told me she have had her tounge pierced for about 3 months. I had no idea! Sure, I'm not at home that often, but how could no one have noticed?

At the same time as I was having this rather odd convo with my beloved sister I was talking to Babe. And that convo ended with me owing him sex 10 times. (Explonation; Babe was all depressed cuz he dont like himself and cuz all the girls that like him only do it for sex and that he finds himself ugly and blabla and then he said something about that he'll never find someone to be true with, and I said "you're a great person Babe, if you don't find anyone.. I'll.. I'll give u a million :F" and then he turned that into that 6 blowjobs and sex 10 times could be just as well, lol. And when we had that deal he said he'd never try finding someone now cuz he wanted the sex with me instead, and so I more or less owe him sex. (We're not that serious, don't worry lol.) And at the same time I was in a shared convo with Babe, Cheggs and Adam and I and Babe were rambling about this and it made Cheggs reeeeeally upset. And Cheggs started getting pissed cuz I wasn't talking to him constantly. And well I was kinda stressed there for a while, cuz I had 6 convos constantly going on at the same time. Blergh! However... This pissed Cheggs off and when he signed off he didn't even say bye and me, Dougle and Adam were all like "what the hell extreme???"
Then Cheggs signed in again about 5 minutes later and said he was just messin with me. Wait.. what? Why would he do that? What was the fucking point with acting upset about it and making me believe I had pissed him off? He seemed to think I had been hurt and worried about hurting him but.. well.. honestly, I didn't care that much. I was enough annoyed with him already. He had been kind of a jerk to me all night. Whining about me not talking, getting seriouslt annoyed when I didn't wanna talk about sex with him. Ehm, what? However. I'm not sure either it was a lie or not. That he was messing around. It sounds reeeeally weird that he would actually do that, doesn't it? I can't really make up my mind but I thinnnnnk I don't even see Cheggs in that acting. You know? It wasn't his way to do that. It's alot more his way to get upset about it. But meh, Idunno rly. I don't even know why I give a damn. I was annoyed with Cheggs like all day yesterday. He was just constantly... whining. I think that'd be the best word to explain it.
But well, I¨'m a bit confused. These last days I've felt a bit.. distant from Cheggs. As if I want to keep a distance. As if I've Cheggs-overdosed and rly need a break now. Maybe I actually should?

However I generally had a good time yesterday. Gosh how I love it when I actually start talking properly to Babe I love that guy. Even though he's kind of stupid on some points (he drinks, alot) he's a great person and a great friend. I rly didn't like hearing that he hates himself. He's got no reason to. I hate it when the people I love are feeling bad..

I just learned that Darling's blocked Cheggs on msn... Why? Cuz he wanna avoid flipping at him. Cuz he's so damn fed up with hearing Cheggs' constant whining about me. Cuz he's seriously about to flip. He said if he hears him whine about me one more time he'll probably flip. Poor Darling. But however, I can't help but the fact that this is making me think. Alot. Darling's not stupid but the opposite way around, he's pretty clever and knows what he's doing. What if what's needed is just simply that I completely stoped talking to Cheggs? Not forever, but for a while... Gosh... this is fucking my mind up.
I'm talking about sex with Dougle though and it makes me think of other things lol. And watching Underworld on TV.
Meh, idunno why I started writing at all...

I just get so damn annoyed with people sometimes. Cheggs just got back home from school and among the first things he said was that Yasmin (his ex. or well, they were going out for about 2 weeks and then it showed that she was just playing him and everybody knew) had been on about me being a pedo or something and that I'm not the one he thinks I am. And he's been upset about her doing this before. Soooo Cheggs gave me her msn and I'm gonna talk to her when she comes on. I've actually wanted to talk to her for quite a while. She seems like a real bitch... Actually it was when she broke up with him that he started liking me, when I was like supporting him alot and started talking to her more. And he also says he think there's several people talking shit about me behind his/mine's back. But I don't give a damn really. And when he walks around telling like half of his school about me and how much he likes me.. He better blame himself. I don't see why everyone needs to know who I am and well the result to that is what I just said and that people will want to see me when I come down. I'm a bit like "what? I'm not coming down to see all your random friends.." But whateverrrr...
Today have been weird. I've been feeling pretty bad all day. I've been tired as hell and from time to time I've just been so damn easily annoyed. I've been feeling generally bad lately. Not like seriously bad but you know, a headache there, stomach hurting there, not being able to stand noices at some times blablabla... I'm not completely sure but I believe I know and well it's not cuz I'm actually physically ill. It's mentally, obvious. I'm just feeling so damn bad right now... I just wanna scream, scream it all out. Hit something, or even someone. I've gotso much frustration inside of me right now. I want to cry, yell at someone, put a pucking knife through my hand. Just... whatever. I just want it to stop. I'm fed up with it. But I don't even know what this something is! And I thought about it... It's nearly 2 weeks ago since Victor found out now. And... the first couple of days were horrible, but this last week have been just like usual. Or well more or less. I just can't take this anymore. And great, I'm nearly crying now. While in the same room as m brother and while on webcam with Cheggs. I should just... sleep or something. Get out of this shit. Go die. Go kill yourself. Just leave me alone.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

I hate depressons.

I'm having photography class and I just had this like grade-talk-thingy. We went through the photos I've taken this far and then my teacher told me what grade I've got, with other words. And Even though I only had a C on the theory test we had a couple of weeks ago I've got a B, could reach an A if I do the upcoming tasks well! I feel kinda proud. I mean.. Sure, i like photographing, but I've never done it too seriously and I never actually had any kind of good response to them. And before I started this course I had never ever used a non-digital camera.
I've been feeling kinda.. bad lately, when it comes to schoolwork. Cuz I've felt like I'm doing far from as good as I could. And well yes, I am. 80% of my grades ain't gonna be A:s anymore. But these last two days I've learned that I'm doing pretty well anyways. I should get a couple of As and like the rest Bs and that'll actually due for me. I don't realy feel like I need very much more then that. Luckily enough.. Not too long ago I put 5 times more pressure on myself then I should've when it came to schoolwork. But hey, it gave result, didn't it? I'll probably get kind of depressed if I don't get A:s in swedish and english though.. Cuz I've always had A:s in those and I know I've got the quality to keep that. I've always heard I'm a good writer and I enjoy doing it.

But however.. So, I've gotta come up with good ideas of pictures to take. I've gotta take a feminine photo, a maskuline photo and a neautral photo. Any ideas of what I could take? All I've got to take photos of is the sorrounding areas of the school. I was gonna take it at home, but I brought a camera home but its batteries were low and so I couldn't take the freakin' photos. So now my teacher wants me to take them here instead.

So it's thursday today.. Kinda slow days. Then friday tomorrow. Equal going home over the weekend. I can't really make up my mind if that's good or not? Getting away from everything and getting time to rest and - hopefully - sort my thoughts out. But yet that means I'm gonna be alone and doing no good at all (playing xbox and being on the computer isn't rly the best thing you could do a whole weekend. Even if I always do.) And being at home means no Victor as well, but more time to talk to my friends which I've realized that I need. So I guess there's both good and bad things with it... But what does it matter really? Wasting my already worn out mind by thinking of either going home over the weekend will be good or bad... That's just stupid. I've got to go either way and it'll turn out the way it does. I just think and worry way too much.

Meh, I've gotta stop thinking. 3, 2, 1, STOP! There we go. It's gone. Lol I wish.
I reeeeally wanna take some photos. Not as in on class but as in at home to use and edit afterwords. I probably will tomorrow. And I really feel like sewing as well... But I don't have any textile to use at home (at least I don't think so.. gotta check that) and I don't have any money to have the money to buy any either. And I think I'm gonna cut my hair a bit this weekend.. My fringe is all fucked up. I've got into this kind of thingy where I wanna do something to change my looks again. I hate when that happens. But meh.. I'll just shut up now.

The greatest thing ever just happened. Or well.. it made me happy, however. I just had my singing lesson, and the like first thing my teacher said was "oh yeah, we decided you've finnished the A course and you've got an A in it. So this s the B course now." as if that was nothing. I just smiled and said "ok" but inside i was all like "OMGYESYESYESYESYESYESSSS!!!! :DDDD" This means I finnished the singing course in less than half the time it was sopposed to take, and I got an A on it. Ain't that just great? I feel so proud of myself. I dunno, maybe this happens to most people, but I don't give a dammmn. I feel proud anyways. And when I look back at it, geez these first 6 months doing this course have done so much difference for me. Who would've guessed hearing someone pointing out every single mistake you make would be good for you? Before I always just heard I'm a great singer and it was up to me to make a song sound good, I never actually had any help with it and well back then I thought that was good. But well, as I said, the difference from then to now.. It's huge. Happy face.

However.. i've got a horrible headache and 30 more minutes till Victor's lesson is over. I've done my homewhork and well.. Now I havn't got a shit to do. Blaargh. I hate long breaks. Or well at least the one's where I have to be alone. And gosh this keyboard it hossible, it makes my fingers hurt -.- I'm whining too much, ain't I?
Idunno what to say really... I should go answer Mags email. Gosh it's like 6 days since she sent it and I havn't answered it yet. I was going to yesterday, but I was too tired. And these last days have been just too filled with thinking and talking to people as it is. Meh.
I feel like photographing a little... I've got some ideas of thingys to take. But I probably won't be able to till friday or something. Sad face. But oh well, I'll be with Victor after school today and I'll probably be home late so I might not write any more today.
Now it's time for me to go die a while. Swedish, english and history class coming up. School's over at 4. Omg I'm gonna diiiie. *whines a bit more*

So I spent the day with Victor.. But I decided to leave at like 8 cuz I didn't wanna be home too late (I'm usually home at like 11 when I'm with him) and the minute I left him I was all like "noooo I shouldn't have done that " How can I be that stupid? Not spending all the time I can with him. I'm an idiot. I ain't gonna go to sleep before like midnight anyways. I don't start school till 9.30 tomorrow and Crow doesn't till 12 so he's gonna be watching TV till late anyways and then I won't be able to fall asleep.

I'm sitting here overdosing Evanescence at the moment. I used to love them but then I stoped listening to them cuz it was just too much sentimentality over it.
I keep getting like.. put off my writing cuz I'm talking to Cheggs, Stu and Sam on msn at the moment. Some very.. different conversations. Sam's just pissing me off by going on about sex, calling me a whore and telling me I ain't doing anything right and I would never say no to sex. I don't like it really. I and Sam used to be pretty good friends (he's one of Darling's and John's friends from school) but then we didn't talk for a while and now he's a jerk.
The conversation with Cheggs is just random.
And the one with Stu is the one that rly matters. I can talk to him quite openly about most things so I've been telling him alot about what's been happening lately and he's just so damn understanding... I can't say much without him saying "yer, I know that one..." it's like talking to myself. Not in the way that we've done the same things, but I usually feel like I say that alot. When people talk to me about their problems I can usually say that, "yer, I know that one..." cuz I've been through so damn amny things. However... We ended up getting into the subject of love movies. We're both the kind of people who don't like love movies for one simple reason; we can't stand the ends. I've always been like that. You know, that lovey dovey story, a problem in the middle and then the perfect ending. It makes me feel horrible. Actually, it usually makes me feel shit and sometimes it's made me cry. Weird, innit? It's usually the same with me and disney films actually. And most animes (I don't really watch animer anymore, but i used to.) I just can't stand that perfect ending, those...perfect love stories. They always makes me feel so damn bad. Knowing how much I wish that would ever happen to me, but knowing that kind of things doesn't even exist. Or well if they do they're so damn rare it ain't ever gonna cross my way. Actually... I watched a anime once and it made me cry for about 2 hours. Cuz I hated the ending so much. It was too perfect, and it was too.. What I wanted. It was all I wanted at that time. Love, and a breakthrough in the music business. And she got it all, the girl in that story. Just like that, with no problem really... And well yeah, it made me fall apart more or less completely. That's the only time I ever had such strong reaction though, but I usually start feeling shit or cries a tiny bit when I see that kind of films. I know, I'm pathetic.

It's getting late... I should try to get some sleep. Make time go faster so I'll be with Victor again sooner. And I'm actually quite tired. I might actually be able to sleep. Omg revolutioning.

I just changed to the Halo soundtracks... I'm depressed alrady. They make me think too much. And I think I made up my mind and I actually do believe my borderline's back. Only a little bit, but yet it is. Oh and well for those who don't know what borderline is; "The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. " There you go. However. I should try to avoid being alone, cuz that's when I feel bad. But at the same time I'm back to my old routine feeling like I need to be alone sometimes. Gosh... night night. I should really try to get some sleep now.

I hate me,
For breathing without you.

Halo,
Blinding wall between us.
Melt away and leave us alone again.
The humming, haunted somewhere out there.
I believe our love can see us through in death.

You're not alone,
No matter what they told you, you're not alone.
I'll be right beside you forevermore.

I'm not sure but I think I said yesterday that I would be home today. Changed plans, I'll be with Victor till about 8. I's out 3 months anniversary so he skipped a meeting thingy to be with me. Just a random comment lol.
I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment. Something randomly made me fall apart completely. Maybe it's the fact that people always leave?

Music theory lesson in 5 minutes and then school's over for today. I'll talk to you later      xoxo

I always seem to find songs which I keep overdosing and which makes me think, and feel. Defeneatly feel. The song above is one of them at the moment. And the song Breath by the same group. And.. well.. Omg I just don't know... I'm just feeling so much that I don't even know what half of it is anymore. I have no idea what the heck's going on... It's like I'm falling into a depression again. And omg I don't want that. I so don't want that. Not now, I can't stand that now. Things arn't worse then I make them, and I don't wanna make them worse then they already are. It feels a bit as if my borderline's coming back as well... Yeah, I used to have borderline. or not proper borderline, but like a weaker sort. I used to have it constantly but I worked my way out of it and havn't had it in pretty exactly a year now. But I'm starting to feel as if it's coming back a little... As if I'm not the one controlling everything anymore. But idunno. I'm not sure. It could just as well just be me worrying about everything in my large confusion and not-knowing-anything. I just don't know anymore.. I guess this doesn't make any sence at all to you all? Me just rambling about being confused but not really saying a shit about why. But well I can't really. Not right now. Cuz right now I'm just feeling alot without having any explonaton what so ever. I can't even explain to myself what the hell is going on. I'm pretty sure it would clear up if I tried to though, but well... I'm not trying am I? And I don't have the power, or courage, to try either. Not right now. I'm too scared, too weak, too... Idunno. I'm screwed up. I better just try to sleep now.

My brother just came home with a new laptop, just the same as mine. I'm all wtf. He just turned 18 and he's already wasted like a third, maybe even half of the money he's got. It kind of annoys me... Idunno why though? I mean it's his money. But hey, it's my brother. The one who can easily waste £100 on games in 5 minutes or £150 on warhammers. It still annoyes me though. Saving up money all of our life to get when we turn 18 and then waste half of them after a month? Meh, it just annoys me. And the fact that I just got my laptop and then he copies my idea. I guess that could be a part of it. But whatever, I'll just laugh when his computer breaks before mine (I'm sure it will. He playes more games,downloads more, and especually; he watches porn lol. Virus overload.) (it felt mean saying that but whatever, it's probably true)

Umm I've been editing a photo so I started writing like 30 minutes ago lol... But however. Today have been just soooooo slow. Every lesson was equally pointless and I ended up skipping the last two ones. Bad me, I know, but I did... Maths and photography class. I spent that time with Victor instead. He's at his dads today so I couldn't be with him after school. More then those 3 hours he spent with me at the flat, that is. And I'll have to survive without him tomorrow as well. Sad face.

I thought of this something earlier... I change opinion alot, sometimes I feel like things are gonna be just great with me and Victor and sometimes it feels like we're literally screwed. And I've come up with two options on why that is. Either I do actually feel like things are gonna be good, but I make things worse cuz I worry too damn much. Or I do actually know things are doomed but try to make myself believe they're not cuz I don't wanna see that. And I seriously have no idea which it is..
Victor obviously seems to believe this will work out. Or at least so he says. I'm not sure what he actually thinks though? Cuz it sometimes seems like he says it as to convince someone it's true. The question is who? Is he trying to convince me, or himself? Or both? I've realized that I really have no idea where he actually stands in this. Or well I know what he've said, but is that all the truth? I guess I should believe it is. I shouldn't walk around assuming he's keeping things from me. But I can't rly help but worrying, can I? I care too much. I guess I just... want too much. And at the moment things are just a bit too messy. No, not a bit, quite alot...

Monday morning, computer class, back to normal... I'm probably gonna walk around half deaded all day and - hopefully - fall asleep quite early. If I'm lucky I guess I'll be asleep at like 10-10.30. That'd be great. I spent the night at Victor's and we didn't fall asleep till like 2.30 or something and then I woke up at 6 cuz that's when he had his first alarm set. He didn't wake up till an hour later when two other alarms had set off and well.. I was the one waking him up, not the alarms. Bleh. I always just set my alarm at the time I need to be up and then I wake up without any problems.
Last night was weird. Different. Strange.. whatever. I said I fixed the Halo soundtracks for Victor yesterday and we were listening to them when we went to bed. And the Halo 3 soundtrack always makes me so damn emotional and well, laying in bed listening to it in the middle of the night was just so.. strange. It made me feel something I can't really explain. It made me think. I wasn't even trying to fall asleep but just laying in bed, staring into nothing and just thinking. I usually don't do that, I usually at least close my eyes and try to sleep. But not this time... And what I was thinking, and feeling, was kind of weird things as well. I was like arguing with myself. Saying "I shouldn't be here", "No, what the hell, why are you saying that? There's no other place for you.." etc. etc. It was just really really weird. And I felt like crying, but I couldn't. And I just felt so incredably lonely, as if Victor wasn't there, as if I was actually alone...
Meh, idunno, it was weird. I think I've got way too many things going on in my head right now and it's screwing my thoughts up. Mind overload. I really need to fix some things in my life, don't I?
However... I'm gonna be home after school today so I'll be on again as soon as I get my internet working at home. And then I'll be home tomorrow as well.. Sadly enough, cuz I and Victor have been going out for 3 months tomorrow... And I can't be with him after school. Sad face extreme.

I'm at Victor's at the moment, helping him burn the 4 Halo OST's while he's hoovering down in the basement. So, back to school tomorrow and finally having a computer when I'm at the flat again! Happy face. So from tomorrow I should be back and running again. I don't actually have time to write anything now but I just wanted to say something, I mean... I havn't written like anything the last couple of days.
I've got computer class tomorrow morning so I'll see y'all then. I've got loads to tell..

Omg it's 4 o'clock already? This day have been so damn fast. All of my family (minus my sister who's at our dads and plus Victor who's, as you know, still here) went ice skating on this small lake that belongs to us and the sorrounding houses. I havn't been ice skating in like 5 years or something so I kinda fell over several times. It was fun though, till my feet started hurting really badly. Then I started walking around taking loads or random photos instead. I havn't edited any of them yet but I've got quite some to fix and I'll do that later, or like... On monday when I'm not with Victor. But idunno. He's in my bed, complaining about me never finnishing to write at the moment (it ain't going to fast cuz I'm talking to Madfaz (xbl friend))
However, these last days have been just so... weird. It's been a mix of amazing-ness and.. horrible-ness. Most of the times are in fact just amazing. Being with Victor is just.. great. But then comes these moments when we start arguing about something and we both end up crying and being really hurt. I'm honestly scared. I don't want this to end, but I can't really see how the hell we're gonna make this work. The only reasonable option i can actually see is just trying to ignore it, but Victore refuse to do that and well I don't think it's the right thing to do really. But... How are we both gonna gain the other's trust just like that? Cuz I think that's the biggest problem.. not having any trust in each others. I don't even wanna leave Victor alone at my laptop cuz I'm afraid he'd go through it looking for something. Not that I'm actually hiding anything, but I just don't want him to go through my stuff. And well I think both of us have pretty loads of like bad thoughts about each other at the moment. I don't always think he treats me right, and he probably thinks the same about me. But idunno... We talk to little. I really think we should talk more, but at the same time... I know what the conclusion of us talking usually is. Both of us feeling crap, one of us hurting the other. Usually me hurting him by telling him what I feel. But idunno... I'm just confused. I just want it all to go away, I just want it all to fix itself just like that. I know it ain't gonna, but I wish. Cuz I'm really, really scared, afraid there's no way this can properly go back to normal. I'm afraid this will end up being just... shit.
I'll explain more another time. And I just gotta add as a sidenote; It's great between me and Victor, most of the times, even though I usually just talk about the bad things. But it's the bad things you keep thinking about, isn't it? it's the bad things that makes you wonder where you're actually standing.

Rain, rain go away.
Come again another day.
All the world is waiting for the sun.

I actually fell asleep kinda instantly yesterday. Which was good, I mean... It was past 3 in the morning.. But I guess I was fast asleep at about 4. Then I woke up again at about 8, went back to sleep and woke up at 11 when my alarm went off. And since then I've just had breakfast and been on msn talking to Cheggs and Shane while overdosing way too loud music. Gosh how I love to be able to use my speakers again, 5.1 sorround ones, amazing sound (and volume) :D People say music doesn't have to be loud to be good, but I actually disagree. At least most of the times. I love to put on high volume and then when my ears get used to that just higher it and keep doing that till my ears break.
But however... I'm gonna play some Last Chaos while waiting for Victor now. A friend of my stepdad's is coming over later as well...
Oh well. Nothing much to say really, just wanted to say morning :)

So... I've been up all fucking night now. Or well half of it. It's 3:30. First I spend like 2 hours talking to Adam and playing last Chaos, then I spent two hours talking to Cheggs and watching Sex and the city. I actually had a really good time talking to Adam, again. We're becoming better friends and I love that. He's a great guy. He got a little emotional and actually started crying earlier and I learned that he's actually a kind of sensitive guy. He's in love with this girl, Leanne, and have been for 4 years and she's denied him so many times but yet he thinks she's the only one for him and won't let her go. Isn't that kind of... courageous sometimes? Stupid, thinking of that he's only 15, but still kinda cool somehow. And he also told me that he never really liked himself. He's a bit like me. Strong on the outside but not all the way through. But i don't know. That's just my general opinion from what I heard today. It's the only time I've ever had some kind of serious talk with him though.

However. it's late so I should really be off to bed now. And then I'll set my alarm on 11 and I won't have to wait much more then an hour from waking up till Victor's here. Happy face.

Night night people and well morning to those proper people who are sleeping when I'm writing this xx

Today is one of those days when you just feel so pointless. One of those days when you do nothing but you're constantly thinking "why don't I do something useful instead of sitting here and staring into the floor?" but yet you never move your fat ass out of that comfy chair. Only difference is my chair isn't comfy.. it make my back hurt. But anyways.
I was playing some Halo 3 earlier, and apart from that I've been on msn absolutely aaall day and played some Last Chaos as well. I'm actually having like loads of people talking to me on msn lately. Makes me feel a bit loved. I didn't use to have to many to talk to. It was Darling, and that was it. Now I've got Cheggs, Adam, Steven and Daniel talking to me nearly constantly. And then Darling and Victor when they're on. I know, I'm rambling, but I don't actually have anything to say. I could have alot to say, I actually do, but I don't want to go through that in my head again. I don't wanna go through everything that's got to do with Victor and Cheggs that've happened today all over again. At least they're talking to each others again and no fight accoured, and to give a small hint Cheggs wants to talk again, and well he's pretty upset with Victor about quite a few things and he wants to bring these to a serious discussion. Probably some kind of fight. He kind of thinks VIctor's treating me horribly bad on some points, and well.. I partially agree with him, and also it's up to him what do to so i won't stop him. Cheggs needs to yell at someone to get his frustrations out and Victor could take some yelling, and I don't think he'd mind getting the change to yell back at Cheggs either.
I know, I know. Now I'm like preparing Victor for this by telling it. But whatever. I might sound cruel to him somehow, thinking he deserves getting yelled at, but well there are some points of the way he is to me at the moment that.. Just isn't good. Won't talk more about that now though. I'll go play some more Last Chaos inste. Or watch some SATC.. Dunno which..

Victor will be here at about 12 tomorrow and then till sunday when I return to the flat. I think I've said that before? But however. So I probably won't be writing too much these days. I'll just be cuddling with Victor and playing Doom 3 all days :D And on satuday (i think) my grandmother's coming to celebrate my mom's birthday.. Which was a week ago. But hey, better late then never? And I don't mind, she's bringing unhealthy thingys. I can't stand my grandma for more then like 30 mintues at the time though. She makes me feel so.. small somehow.
Anywayyyys... byebye for now.

I'm so incredably fed up with all these serious talks now, I just wanna scream as soon as anyone mentions something about this shit and then shoot  their head off this a shotgun. That's how fed up I am with this. My only comfort right now is playing Halo. Andy, more or less. I keep mentioning him but I think it cleared up kinda well how important he is yesterday. I'm in a party listning to Cheggs and Victor talking now and well.. Oh just fuck off, just fuck all of this. I'll return to the game now and try to forget all this shit for at least a little while.

I just randomly started going through some old posts, and I realized how often I actually mention Darling being important to me. And I just felt like explaining the fact that he's the only one I can trust at the moment. He's the only one I feel like I can tell anything without having to worry about reactions, blames or any other thing I prefer to be without when it comes to talking to people.
He's just simply... The only one I trust to 100%.

About 1½ days till Victor comes here. I miss him. I want him here. I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up from his touch. When we're together, most of the times, it's like everything is just perfect. I miss that. I miss him. I love him.

Goodnight now... Again.
(I'm seriously bad at going to sleep when I say I will)

So I ended up laying here in bed, in the most uncomfortable angle ever to avoid freezing to death, an well.. it's nearly 2 in the morning. I said 2 SATC episodes ago that "this is the last one, then I'm gonna go to bed..." but it didn't turn out that way.
I was talking to Darling till he said goodnight and signed out, but like 45 minutes later he came online again and told me he thought I should go to bed. And so I started explaining why I didn't wanna go to bed, how I hate lying in bed with all these thoughts circling my head just trying to ignore them and force myself to sleep, usually failing. So I ended up talking to him instead. These last 40 minutes I've been speaking my every thought out, cuz I think Andy's the only one I can actually tell everything. He doesn't judge me, not a bit, he just gets concerned with me having problems. He doesn't even actually help that much, he just said things such as "oh dead..." and "having problems is bad darling xx" and "it'll work out eventually, one way or another". Nothign special really. But it doesnt matter, cuz he still shows me that he's there. It shows me how I'm not complately alone in this world. How I'm actually never alone at all. To say it like this, there's a reason I look at Darling as the most important person in my life, concider him the one I care about the most. I simply wouldn't survuve without him. While others seem to suffocate me by "always being there" he doesn't. He's always been like the mountain I hide by to avoid the storm. You know? A shelter, somehow. My parachute. Something who's always there to rescue me and no matter what always loves me for who I am, desnt judge me at all.

Sorry, I'm all sentimental. I'm fed up with thinking about Victor and Cheggs. I'm especually fed up with thinking about Victor. I can't be bothered to go through what was said earlier. He just keeps making me more and more comfused, and I gotta admit the fact that he's suffocating me a little. Already... It kinda worries me. But it's late, I'm tired and sentimental.. Is there anything that doesn't worry me?
I should really try to get some sleep now. I'm well tired so hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep in like 5-10 minutes or something. As long as it won't take an hour or so I'm kinda pleased really...

And by that I end it for today. Or open it for today, depends on which way you wanna look at it.
Goodnight people. I envy you and your relatively easy lifes.

Just thought I'd post the photos I've edited this far. Don't think I'll do any more ones though. But however. I kinda liked it. Apart from the fact that it's after all me in the photo... And i don't like me.
I'm having some kind of serious talk with Victor over msn at the moment. We'll see how this ends..

I was expecting today to be just crap... but it didn't turn out to be too bad. The worst part of today this far have been going to the dentist, and that was just a bit unpleasant and painful... Nothing else.
I first woke up at about 7 cuz of the horrible noice when my mom started the car (it makes a terrible noice), then i went back to sleep and woke up again at 9 cuz my mom texted me... then I couldn't go back to sleep and there were a military plane flying like 500 meters above me making horrible WROOOOOOM! noices. Then I managed to fall asleep about 10 minutes before my alarm when off and I had to actually go up.
Later when I got back home it took like an hour to get the laptop up and working. The hardest part was to get the internet to work! Installing a wireless network onto a vista computer was alot more complicated then doing it on an XP. The I ringed Victor and talked to him for a while.. And then I've been talking to/playing with Cheggs and Adam all day. It's obvious that Cheggs is hurt, but also that he ain't gonna like give me up as a friend cuz of that. He can still talk to me and he still seems to enjoy being with me, he just can't talk to Victor. Not even be in the same xbox live party as him. Victor signed in on xbox live earlier and Cheggs instantly said "oh no not Victor.. oh well I'm the leader of this party and he ain't gonna join." To be honest I didn't even get the slightest annyoed. He've got all the rights in the world to wanna annoy Victor. He knows him well enough to know how damn badly he wants to gload in Cheggs face and tell him about his Victory. Just as bad as he wants me to know what I've done wrong. I've never actually noticed that before, but when i think about it that's a kinda big part of who Victor is. Gloating, braging, wants everyone to knowabout his glory. "See what I did!" "Hah, I won!" "I unmasked you, ain't I clever?" and that thing is annoying me a bit. Cheggs don't want  to hear about his "loss" and I don't want to hear everything I've done wrong. We both know about it well enough without getting reminded.
I make it sound as if Victor does this constantly now, but well he don't, but he still does it enough to hurt me.

I just finnished downloading the first season of Sex and the City so I'm gonna watch an episode or two now. Later I've got some photos I took last night to edit. Might end up putting one of them here, dunno. Depends on the result.

And well... Welcome back to the world of constant bloging for me! Wohew! I'm back :)

It's 1:15 here now... Time to sleep maybe? i gotta be up at about 9:45 tomorrow to go to the dentist. Or I could just as well be up at 10... It's not like I'm gonna give a damn about putting on makeup or anything. And I probably ain't gonna eat breakfust anyways.
However. I'm getting tired. Not tired enough to fall asleep instantly though. Which is bad. When I'm in bed is the time where I think the most and mostly feel the worst. So I try to avoid it.. But I've got no one to talk to and nothing to do rly. So I'll go to bed and hope for the best.
I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. And i must say I hope you've had a damn better day then I have. At least a better end. The start of today was great. Waking up from Victor kissing me and spending the first half of the day with him. But then I came here and talked to Cheggs.. And since then it's been shit.
Let's hope for a better day tomorrow.
I wish you were here Victor. I miss you.
Night night people. Sweet dreams x

All I've been doing all night, or well the last 2 hours (which I count as night. Here it is, I mean, I'm an hour into the future), is overdosing depressive music, cried and kept updating the stats page of my blog. Knowing someone's reading about me feeling shit makes me feel at least a liiittle bit less shitty. I still feel shit, though. But to be honest I have no idea why I feel this bad. I just... do. I wish I could get it all out somehow. And by that I mean completely everything. I've got so much spinning around right now, and I have no idea what I want or anything anymore. I'm just so damn comfused. But why? Why would I go all fuzzily-fuzzy-comfused over this? Idunno. But I am. And I'm getting fed up with crying now.

Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody please, come take me home..
I need someone to show a sign of being alive. Someone showing a sign of being here, telling me I'm not alone. The question is... How is that possible when I actually am totally, completely, incredably... alone?

I just thought of this.. is it actually that way, that you don't actually realize what you've got till it's gone, or at least on the edge of disappearing? I think it is. I'm actually pretty sure it is. You can't completely see what you've got till you realize you're about to loose it. You can do the most stupid things to someone, you can even literally scare someone away and being aware of what you're doing, but you don't regret it till the damage is done. You don't realize what devastating damage it made untill it's made.
I ain't gonna lie, I migg Cheggs. But what is there actually to miss? We're still friends. We ain't gonna stop talking. But I still realized what we had and why we had it. Adam said earlier that "Victor will ever like you the same way Nick does". I'm not completely sure if that's true or not, but it might actually be. I realized today that Cheggs was actually in love with me. Seriously in love with me. He wasn't just obsessed with me being a girl being close to him, he actually loved me. Or well, love me. And I can't help but worrying about wasting something huge. It's not that I think I made the wrong desicion, defeneatly not, I'm very sure I did the right one. I wouldn't want to be without Victor, not ever, I wouldn't survive without him.

Seize the day or die regretting the time You lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

I'm gonna go to the dentist tomorrow at 10:40, my stepdad's gonna go with me so I won't have to go by bus. And then afterwords I'm going to buy the laptop! I've got £580 cash in my wallet at the moment. Tomorrow they'll be gone and I'll have a new fiancée instead. happy face.
For now i'm just gonna keep talkign to Steven and overdosing Avenged Sevenfold. I'm gonna download their music the first thing I do on the laptop tomorrow. It's so damn good. And they've got well good lyrics as well.
(omgI'mgettinganewlaptoptomorrowIcan'tbelieveitI'msoexcited!)

I've got alot to tell, and I'm gonna do my best to tell it in the right order even though the right order isn't in the order I'm thinking of it.
To start all of this by quoting Mag;

You're very wise person. In your thoughts. Not that much in your actions.

I somehow wonder if I coild get any more pathetic. if a person could be any more... stupid then I am.
I've been lying, lying to my own blog. Ain't that just so pathetic? These last about 1½-2 months I've been having an.. Affair, I guess you could call it. With Cheggs. it all started in the end of december when I was so concidered this with me and Victor was nothing. he didn't seem to actually love me or care that much about me at all and I just... felt unloved around him. He was laughing at my feelings. He didn't actually care if he were with me after school or not and he just thought I was silly finding it so horrible being without him. This, and the fact that I was jealous. I was so sure he was still in love with his ex, Linnéa and well he spoke of her way too often and every time he did I felt like running away.
However.. While feeling like this Cheggs seemed to be my best, and well only support since I didn't talk that much to Darling backt hen, since it wasn't very long after that.. thing where I tried to stop talking to him completely. And well in this comfusion and not knowing anything I started to actually like Cheggs, and as things got more and more clear and I got more and more sure of Victor not actually being in love with me I made up my mind and told Cheggs I liked him. And that's where it all started. The lies. Living some kind of double life. When I was at home, at the house I was with Cheggs, when i was at the flat I was with Victor. Being with Cheggs turned into my way of getting comfort in what I felt wasn't there between me and Victor. Trust, actual friendship, feeling loved... But things changed, and things went from bad to amazing between me and Victor. But Cheggs was still there. And so Cheggs turned out to be some kind of secret lover.. I continued to live this double life. When I was talking to Cheggs it felt right being with him, when I was with Victor it felt right to be with him. And so I turned out not doing anything about it. That, and the fact that I didn't want to hurt anyone. I was enjoying it, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to break up with Victor, and i didn't want to completely leave this with Cheggs behind.

I spend the weekend at Victor, and yesterday morning I went to have breafast before him. When I came back to bed it was obvious that something was wrong and I knew instantly what it was. it took ages to get Victor to actuallt say it though, and at first he wouldn't have at all. He couldn't say it straight to me, I guess he propbably wanted to like write it on the blog so that he wouldn't see me while finding out. But however I managed to make him tell me anyways. And it was exactly what I thought it was.
While I was gone he had read through my texts. First my inbox, reading loads of texts from Cheggs saying how much he love me, miss me, wish he could be with me. The he read through my outbox, my answers to those texts, saying pretty much the same things. The reason he didn't want to tell me at first was cuz he didn't think it was that serious, I think he expected me to say it was all just about playing along so Cheggs wouldn't get hurt. But I didn't. I could've, I could've kept lying and made it all so much easier. But i didn't. Cuz even if i might start lying, when I'm actually asked i tell the truth. And... Victor's reaction was actually far from as extreme as I thought it would be. And the same with mine. I cried a bit thought... And I felt horrible. he made me feel like the most stupid person existing, and i'm pretty sure he well many more times. he won't leave this. He's gonna rub it in my face and never let me forget. At least I'm afraid he will. I'm really scared he will. But i'll take that later.
When we were talking that first time, when we were actually talking, never turned out to be too horrible. It's what was afterwords that was the bad part. The worst time.. was a couple of hours later. We were doing the dished. And we didnt say a word in nearly an hour. There was an extreme tension in the air. I wanted to ask him "are you okay?" but I couldn't. I already knew the answer, and i didn't want to hear it. I couldn't stan him telling me what an idiot I was anymore, I had already heard it ten times more then i needed to understand I was. He didn't even look at me, luckily enough. The few times he did I had to look away. I couldn't look into those eyes. "You're in idiot Selene, the biggest idiot I've ever met. You're a cheater. A CHEATER. How could you do such things to me? Go kill yourself." His eyes were screaming it out. It was cutting me to pieces, the look of his eyes. And once I did actually look at him and looked away he tried to make me look at him again. it didn't matter if I was quiet or not, it didn't even matter if I didn't look at him. Just being in the same room, the same house made me hear his voice screaming in my head. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!! AN UNWORTHY, FILTHY, IDIOT!!!"
But he made me make up my mind. And so I did. I chose Victor. It was the only obvious answer. How could I choose something else? It was either hurting someone miles away I havn't even met yet, or hurting someone a feet away who I see every single day. And the fact that I was with Victor at that time and didn't see else then him, his pain, him being hurt, made the desicion easy.

But thisese last 1½ hours have been very.. strange. I texted Cheggs yesterday and just told him pretty much "Victor knows and he's forcing em to choose one of you". So he knew. And when I got online I had Daniel, Adam and Steven asking me about this. I was bombarded by people asking "have you made up your mind yet?" "What are you gonna do?" "Have you told Nick yet?". It was all very.. suffocating. And well I told Cheggs. it was like the first thing I did when he came online. And at first he just went quiet and didn't seem to actually react at all, but then he started crying. He didn't respond to anything I said and he told both Daniel and Steven to shut up... And we were on cam, and I could see him crying. And omg he was crying, so damn much. Even if I would've been as sure as could get about my desicion I'd still have started doubting when I saw him. I started crying as well. And I cried. Alot. Not as much as Cheggs, but still alot. I even ended up doing stuff to myself I shouldn't have. The frustration was so horrible. I had hurt him, I had hurt him so much. But I had made up my mind, and I had to stick to it. And i shall do my best to bury the feelings I've ever had for him. He's my friend. One of my best friends.

But as I said, I was haunted by the fact that Victor can't trust me. He's got all the reson in this world to not trust me, I ain't denying that, but even though that's the way it is... Who would enjoy, find it okay, even survive being with someone who's gonna be  guarding you 24/7? Suspecting you're lying every single time you say or do something that could be taken as a sign? Who can't trust you for shit?
Steven made me realize this. he kept repeating some things such as "but why would he look at your texts in the first place?", "well you didn't think of yourself as a cheater before Victor knew did you? So you arn't a cheater." "he was invading your privacy, he's got no rights to do that." And i agree with him. I'm so damn pissed with Victor going through my phone, taking the opportunity when he could. "finally, she left her phone alone with me, now let's find out what all those texts are about..." leave my life alone for fuck's sake! Sure, he was right, but it was my desicion, it was up to me what to do and he had no right to find that out by breaking it through. Yes, I am pissed and I've got all the rights in the world to be. yes, he's pissed, disappointed, feels backstabbed, I know, I've heard it a thousond times and it keeps repeating through my head. And he's got all the rights in the world to, I've emotionally cheated on him.
He apparently can't trust me for shit. I can't trut him for shit. What the hell is this gonna lead to in the end?

That visit only took 5 minutes.. Lol. Kinda pointless. Why couldn't they just have renewed it? Anyways. I went back here and I came up with the brilliant idea of starting to look at universitys in the UK. So I did... And omg it all seems so complicated. And I gotta make up my mind on where to move equal what university to go to and so I have to find out if that university's got any good courses for me and bla blaaaa... It's all so complicated. And I shouldn't be taking this so seriously shuld I? Not yet. Sure, I should start thinking about what I wanna do but.. right now I'm getting seriously stressed cuz I dunno where to go, and I mean it'snearly 2 years till i gotta made up my mind. Maybe even 3, if I decide to take a year off between collage and university. i think I might. I mean, moving to another country and going to university instantly seems kinda.. rushed? Gaaah Idunno... I would need someone to guide me a little.. Once I get to the point where I need to make up my mind I'll make sure I get some help from someone who knows how this thingy works.
Now.. I'm off to have lunch. I'll see you all again on monday.

I just quickly stopped by a computer at school to write something before I have to go again. I just had a test in music theory.. horrible. I mgith've gotten 50%, if I was lucky and got lke everything right lol. But however. I've actually got some use for my 3 hours break today. I gotta go home and get some stuff and change my insulin, and then at 10 I'm going to the.. err... I have no idea what it's called... a place for youths where you go if you have questions or need help, mostly about sex thingys. I'm going there to renew my prescription for birth-control pills. And well, the reason I came here to write in the first place was mostly just to tell you all that I probably won't write again till monday, cuz I'll be at Victor's all weekend. But then, when I get home, it's holiday and getting the new laptop time! Wohew. meanwhile.. miss me! lol :) Gotta go now.

Over an hour break, anxiety-o-meter on a horribly high level and a horrible headache. Well... Today could've been quite alot better. Everything today this far seems to have been just... bad. I don't know why though, nothing actually bad have happened. I've just been really easly annoyed and I keep feeling bad over these tiny nonsense thingys. The only thing that's made me actually happy today is the fact that my mom texted me easlier saying "they called about the money today, we'll go get your laptop on tuesday". happy face :D But what just happened made that seem as nothing, and the last 30 minutes my anxiety have been on a way too high level.
These two people came and talked to us about choosing courses for next year. Nothing too bad about that, I was actually looking forward to that to come. But the thing is... Hearing about that just made me think of the future. And then I mean further into the future then next term. it made me start worrying about my upcoming like... 3-4 years or something. The fact that it's only 2½ years left till I'm done with Collage, will move to england and have to actually start taking care of myself. But isn't that what I've been waiting for, what i've wanted for so long? Yes, it is. But when it gets down to bussiness.. I'm shit scared. I don't know what I want with my future. I have no clue where in england to move, what university to go to or even what to study. I mean I want to becoma a stage artist, but what are the odds? Is that actually something worth trying to reach? And how will I get enough money to live? and then it just feels like there's no time for anything, like I'm running out of time and I'll be there any minute now... But it's 2½ years left! It sounds like forever, but when I look back at how fast these past few years have gone by... 2½ years is only a week away.
I thought I ahd enough to think about the future when it comes to what to do about everything. Like.. What will I and Victor be in the future, which of ym friends will be forgotten and which will still be there... Will Nathan still be alive after going to war? I think you get my point... I want everything planned. I want everything structured. I want to be able to make up my mind and keep to it. But I can't... It's just too much... My head's exploding and omg I need some rest. I need someone to step up to me and say "Selene, concider this and that and from that fact make up your mind and do it quickly." I want someone else to make my desicions or at least give me alot of help to make them myself. But that's never gonna happen, is it? That ain't ever gonna happen. I'm all on my own, and i always will be...

I probably couldn't be much more comfused right now. Ever since that thing two days ago everything seems so... surreal. Nothing seems quite clear and noting seems even near certain.
Victor doesn't believe I love him. It's so clear it could've turned me into ashes. What I don't see is what reason he's got to believe that? What am I actually doing different? The positions are completely changed and I hope he can see what I felt like before, in the start, when I was blinded with love and didn't want anything more then to be with him. Always. Forever. hHe loved me, but I was in love with him. The difference is huge, and I hope I'm not the only one who can see it. But back then he didn't choose me over everything else, back then I didn't seem to actually mean that much to him. And I'm afraid he lost his chance. He never gave me what I wanted when he had the chance, and now the roles are changed. Now he's the one who's left everything for me, the one with the fuzzy vision and i'm the one witht he clear vision, knowing I can't give it all up for him. Knowing that even though he's what my life is mainly about I still need more. Now I love Victor, but Victor's in love with me. And well.. just knowing the fact that he keeps worrying, that no matter how much he keeps saying he trust me he apparently don't... It just hurts. When we're together it all feels so certain, so perfect. At least to me. I wonder if it's like that to him as well? But when we're apart he seems to doubt everything, while I just don't think about itt hat incredably much.

I'm a very honest person. I don't make things up or lie, and the few times I do it's a joke and I reveal the fact that it was a joke later on. generally it's like that. I obviously have secrets, things that I don't want certain people to know, but who doesnt? I however do my best to stay honest and not lie and if I promise something I keep it. And among the worst things I know is when I tell the truth but people don't trust me. i hate it, there are few things that makes me less pissed, disappointed, hurt. Cuz it's a proof of a person not trusting such an honest person. And so i get hurt when Victor don't trust me or doubt my words. I don't say I miss him unless I do. I wouldn't say I love him if I didn't. Knowing he can't trust me on such small things makes me wonder what else he's doubting about me. Makes me wonder what kind of things he's thinking about me. And i don't know either I can stay with someone who can't trust me? Every time I hear it, every time I see it in his face... it hurts. It makes that flash of pain go through my body. That kind of hurt that only the people I really care about can give me.
That text I sent last night wasn't fake, the smiles that appear on my face when I see him isn't fake, the times I tell him I love you aren't fake. I'm not fake, I'm a 100% honesty for real. I just hope the ones who need to see that actually could...

The weirdest thing ever just happened to me. Or well ok, it wasn't weird at all, it was more like.. panicking. (I keep spelling that wrong, ain't I?) My last lesson was music theory, and onm tuesdays we've got that in these like barracks which we use as classrooms for music. When the lesson was over I went to the toilet, and the second I opened the door this reeeally loud alarm went off, and it was completely dark inside and I noticed I couldn't unlock the door from inside either. But then my teacher came and opened for me and turned off the alarm. And well apparently she thought everyone was out so she left, turned the alarm on and locked the door. And well.. That just gave me this really stong feeling of panic. Not being prepeared at all for that alarm to go off, and well the fact that I was seriously locked inside and with this überly high tone alarming. To say it like this, if this happened a couple of years ago, like before I started learning how to handle my panic attacks, I would still be in serious shock. It was all just reeeeally creepy.
Apart from that today have been pretty good though. Nothing special really. Apart from the fact that I can't be with Victor today I guess. Or well, I could've been with him for like 2½ hours or something, but I thought I'd just go here cuz I really wanted some time to write (both here and to Mag) and also I feel like I either wanna be home at least quite early, you know as in latest 6 or something, or late as around 10 like I usually am. So yer, I ended up being here. I kinda miss Victor a little.

But however... This is all just really irrelevant, kinda unimportant facts. What's more interesting is what happened yesterday.
I told you that Victor asked me to "marry" him, right? Well, this weekend I started thinking neither saying yes was such a good idea or not. I've explained kinda detailed my former experiences of getting engaged at a young age, and I started thinking about that again. What I think made me start thinking about it was what I wrote.. umm.. like.. yesterday or something, about realizing that I need more then just Victor. And I somewhere more or less made up my mind that getting engaged again was just stupid, idiotic to be precise. I thought I wouldn't tell him, that keeping quiet would be alot better... but one thing lead to another and I ended up telling him and well... Breaking our engagement. Victor's reaction? Crying, for like 2 hours or something. or maybe it wasn't that long.. or not that short... I ahve no idea. But he took it so much harder then I thought he would, cuz I mean... He've heard me say several times how I find this whole living together forever when being this young is just stupid. Because I know, out of my own experience, that it's easy to create that feeling, but alot harder to actually keep it forever.
But well, it all was incredably confusing and I couldn't see what actually made him so sad and he couldn't see what reason I had to break the engagement. And at first he seemed to try to not show what he felt, but then I started crying seeing that he was nearly crying and then both of us ended up crying for.. quite.. a while.. And in the end I was all like "omg I don't want any more of this! I don't wanna cry anymore..." and well I actually that as well.
There was a time when I used to be.. well.. used to crying. When I was constantly feelign horribly bad and well depression and crying was part of my everyday. At that time I felt really weird if I didn't cry for a couple of days, I even missed it! But now, that my life is more or less great, I kidan never cry. At least I never get these crying attacks where I lie in bed for an hour or two just constantly crying.
However... In the end, it appered that all of this was just.. or well part, a missunderstanding. Me and Victor saw this engagement as completely different things and that's where it screwed up.
I saw it as.. well.. an engagement. As a sign of being together forever, infinite love you know.. And I knew what a serious.. err.. opinion Victor had about it, and I knew I didn't so I thought for the best of both of us I'll end this.
Victor on the other hand saw it as a sign of our love. Just simply... yer, a sign of our love. More like a sign of us going out, and it didn't really have anything to do with an engagement of eternal love. At least not if I understood him correct.
So... Once we calmed down, which was when I said that maybe breaking the engagement was just stupid... and that's when we realized the missunderstanding. When both of us had calmed down. When we were calm and actually talked about it. So... In the end, this thing was just very.. stupid. Cuz we decided to get engaged again, only on saturday, equal valentines day. Or maybe it wasn't stupid.. I actually don't think it was. What we both learned from it could've came out a better way, but whatever... We learned it anyways. And now I know that this engagement is.. well.. the same as us going out. And now I see why it made him so upset. Cuz it must've somehow felt the same as if I broke up with him.

Photography class... And I'm sorrounded by people listening to random music. I can hear 3 differetnt songs, it's well annoying. And there's a couple of headphones on the computer next to me.. I'm gonna loot those and listen to my own music, on my own, locking the others outside. I just noticed it's actually a headset, but whatever, I'm using them as headphones now, listening to Avenged Sevenfold. (insert heart here)

I havn't got shit to do really. I've still got one tast to do, but I'm sopposed to take those photos at home. I was sopposed to bring a camera over the weekend, but I came here to get the camera at the time I was told to and there was no one here to open the room where they are for me, sooo... it wasn't too easy.

Give me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right

I realized something... And well, sadly enough, Victor was the one who made me ralize this. He told me "I missed you last night" and I, kinda automatically, answered "I missed you too" but when I said that he said "that's not true." And he was right. I actually had a damn good time last night after he left, having fun playing with Darling and Adam. And what I realized was that.. No matter how much I love him, I need some time without him. I don't have that need to be with him constantly anymore. It's the opposite way arounda atually, I've got the need to be without him sometimes. To spend time both on my own and with my friends.
I think most people make that mistake at least once, going out with someone and then like forgetting their friends. I think I did that... Not that I actually forgot about my friends, cuz I mean I still talk to them on the weekends when I'm not with Victor, but I'm starting to realize how I miss them. And now when I get my new laptop I think I'm actually gonna start choosing not to be with him at least like once-twice/week. Well... I've told y'all several times that more or less everyting about me happens in periods and right now I'm getting into a period when I wanna spend most of my time with my friends. And yer, I know, my friends are equal people in england, people who I can't actually see but only talk to on msn or over xbox live, but what the heck, what does that actually matter? That doesn't make them my friends less. I've got two of my best friends and two of the most inportant persons in my life in another country. And then I have all exept like 2 friends there as well. So what?

But however. It's all like... When I'm with Victor I usually feel like I wanna be with him and him only, but once I'm without him and I'm with Darling or Cheggs or even like Adam as yesterday for instance, I realize how they're just as inportant. I might even be able to say that sometimes they're more inportant. I feel kinda scared he's gonna take this the complete wrong way now, and i sure hope he won't... My life just isn't dedicated to him only. I wouldn't survive without those alone times I get with Darling, I wouldn't survive with those unseriously flirty conversations I've got with Cheggs, I even wouldn't survive without those quite few alone times I get with my mom. Do you see my point? It's not that I'm getting tired with being with Victor all the time, it's just that I've realized how much more I've actually got. I seemed to think he was all I had there for a while, but that's not true. That's far from true. And I can't leave all the rest just because he happens to be the one it's easiest to be with or the one I most logically feel like being with.
So, well, once I get my laptop and with other words a more constant way of talking to my friends again I'm actually gonna do that. Make the time I spend with Victor and my friends more equal.

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

And I gotta make Cheggs get the curage to talk to that girl! Did I ever say something about that? That Cheggs seem to be pretty interested in this girl from school. And well... Being me, I've got my little plans on getting them together...

So... Monday morning again, computer class. It seems like every day is a monday. It feels like all the weeks contains are mondays a fridays. I sound like my mom now, she use to say that, but well I agree with her.

Yesterday when I was going through my CDs to find something to listen to while doing my workout I found the Bon Jovi album "Bounce" and I thought I'd put that on.. And well now I'm stuck. I used to like that album and listen to it like 2 years ago, but I was never this stuck. I'm obsessed with it, there's like only one song that I don't find seriously great. And well you should expect to get alot of quotes from lyrics of those songs cuz they're well good. I love it when I find songs who make me.. you know.. touched. Not only because they're beautiful but because the music's so damn good. I've never felt this with other music then you know that kind who you once listened to, stoped listening to and then a couple of years later re-discover and this time realize how damn good it actually is. And you like already recognize all of the songs and knows some of the lyrics. I love that.

Victor was with me at the flat for a couple of hours yesterday. And when I saw him I was all like omg I've really missed him. Then he left at 10:30 and I went on the xbox. I ended up playing Halo 3, first with Darling and then with Adam. Adam is Chegg's friend from school and well I never actually talk to/play with him without alot of other people there and this time it was only him and me and I liked that. He's a great guy, and I hadn't actually noticed that before. And when it as just me and Darling... I loved that as well. I mean, I like being in big parties and talking to alot of people, but I love being alone with someone. It gives you time to actually talk. Me and Darling first did some matchmaking and then we ended up doing custom games, with only two players. That was kinda fun, playing games made for like at least 5 people but with only 2 players. We got draws on every game lol. And then when Darling had to go I had a text from him that made me all happy face.
"I love u so much darling dont no wat id do without u xxhugxx ur like my best friend miss u xx"
I guess that ain't much really, but I still like it when he say that. Cuz well I should've explained by now about how damn much that guy means to me and how inportant he've been to my life, but well I've also been rambling on about my worries about caring more about people then they care about me. And well when I hear this kind of things I realize that this caring isn't only from my side. And how can that make me other then happy?

Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

But however, I've been writing nearly half of this lesson now. As usual, lol. Shame on me. And oh well the lyric... Let's say in this case it's about all the people I care about. Or well the three most inportant persons in my life. I wouldn't survive wothout you.

I finnished the report, and it wasn't even that hard. Or well it was in the beginning... You know when you reach one of those complete lockouts and have no idea how to keep writing. But then once you pass that lockout you write as if it's what you're best at. Weird explonation, but you get what I mean? At least that's what I'm like. I usually write with a flow and it's like the ideas just pop up in my head and I never actually plan what to write before I start writing. I might have an idea of a sentence or two which I think sounds good but that's about it. I love that about myself, that I can write that easily. it makes me get good grades in such as swedish, english and history. And well I love all of those subjects as well, cuz they're kinda interesting. Well not swedish really, it's kinda boring, but what I like about it is once we get to write. Like when we get to write short stories or similar, I love doing that. And well I like english cuz it's english and I love the language. And the same there, what I like the most is when you actually get to write. And about history it's kinda the same, but I also have a quite strong interest in history. If I would've decided myself I wouldn't have lived in the present time.
But however, so I finnished it and I think it turned out pretty good. Now I just gotta do some workout and take a shower... That's about all I've got left to do before I leave in 2½ hours. I was gonna go take a shower now at first, but then I realized it's kinda stupid to take a shower and then do a workout.. So I switched their positions lol. I've started to work out on weekends to well get a bit more fit and loose some weight. I'm also gonna try to stop eating so damn lot of sweets and candy (that's good for both my weight and my budget, lol) and I'm gonna try start eating more properly when it comes to food as well.
So well yer, let's face it, I'm trying to loose some weight without moving too much lol. I would be working out every day if I could though, but well I don't really have the space to do that at the flat so I only do it on the weekends...
Now I'm rambling again. I'm well good at that... Oh well I'm gonna go do that workout now and then have s hower.

I just woke up from the strangest dream ever... I seem to have alot of strange dreams lately. Or well, like.. The last couple of months. Before I had strange dreams/nightmares about once-twice/year. I can't really explain wtf it was about thought... I tried to when Cheggs asked, but I seriously couldn't explain it. Cuz it's all just fuzzy images in my head and when I think of it there wasn't actually alot of logical sence in it, even if it seemed so while I was dreaming. Dreams are a strange.. thing. Lol.
I'm having the strangest conversation with Cheggs and Cherry at the moment. I havn't talked to Cherry in aaages. She's well fun. (And damn fit .F) (note the fact that I only gave that emoticon one eye.. I just gave one of my eyes to Cherry .] )
I gotta finnish my report-essay-thingy now. And then I'm off to take a shower... And then I'm off to the flat at about 4:30 and I'll see Victor at about 6, omg .D
Might write more later if I have time to. Otherwise I'm most likely gonna write something tomorrow when I've got computer class. Byebye for now.

About the title... it's something mag said. She's clever. I love that girl. I just kinda got into a discussion about her and well me emailing with her just a couple of minutes ago (that might sound weird, but it simply started with him asking what i was up to and me saying i was emailing Mag) and he said "why don't you just get her msn instead?" and I tried to explain why but he didn't seem to understand. But... the things is.. There's something special about writing those long texts, send them to her and look forward to getting an answer. I love that. I used to do that with a guy called Ola, a kinda freaky 30 year old swedish guy who was, and idunno perhaps still is, madly in love with me. But we had these really deep, kinda serious conversations. Just between the two of us. I love that. it's so much more special then just writing on msn. Am I the only one who can see and feel the big difference in that?

Today have actually been well good. I've had two periods playing xbox and both of them made me feel all.. relaxed, relieved, forgeting about everything else. Xbox is like a kind of therapy for me, at least sometimes. Sometimes it's just... nothing. Like when I just turn it off and play something cuz I've got no better to do. But sometimes, when I play something cuz I really feel like it, it's a very important thing in my life. This might sound stupid, but it is. it was like.. Earlier, first Cheggs asked me to go on xbox cuz he wanted me to join him on halo 3, but I didn't feel like it, not at all.. But then, like 2 minutes later, Darling asked if I wanted to play Lord of the rings with him and I ende dup going on xbox anyways. So, we played LotR (not the ordinary games from the films but lotr: battle for middle earth, a RTS game) and in the beginning i was just so confused cuz well.. I've never been very good at that game, and I hadn't played it for quite a long time, and I always find it hard to move through the map cuz the controls are kinda weird (or well actually they're not, it's me who havn't really understood them till now) and everything was just rly fuzzy and we laughed alot and Darling were having alot fun about me being so confused and I was having alot of fun over myself (lol). And then, in the end, I won the game. I was so sure I would loose, I mean it was a one-on-one game agains Darling, who'se like twice as good as me, so I felt kinda proud. And well yer.. I've just had a pretty great day. Apart from just like 20 minutes ago when I managed to rip half of my braces out. it hurt, and there's this wire thingy pointing out now which scratches my tounge all the time... But I'm going to the dentist to fix it, but anyways. I was kinda clumsy back there.

I did about half of the report-essay-thingy before I gave up for while. And then I ended up not writing again... And now I feel kinda stressed cuz I gotta get it done. I seem to be write most effectly like in the middle of the day though, when it's still light outside. i think my brain gets effected by the fact that it gets dark outside, cuz overall I can't work when it is. So I think I'm gonna finnish it tomorrow. In the worst case I'll just have to write some on monday like after school as well.
So... I dyed my hair and cut it a little as well. Which I shouldn't have done.. Every time I cut my fringe I seem to forget the fact that when it's too short it gets a life on its own, and now it does. It looked good when the hair was still a bit wet, but now that it's dried it doesn't. And the hairdye turned out to be alot less red then I expected. it's actually quite far from what I thought it would be. So now I've got some kind of orange-brown-red/copper-ish haircolor. Cheggs keep saying I look like Hayley Williams, the singer of Paramore.
Then I went to play some of the Halo Wars demo and well I was all annoyed by the fact of how hard it was.. Or well it wasn't actually hard, but harder then I expected. And then i realized I was playing on normal. And in my case, that's pretty hard when I play a game for the first time. I should've done it on easy. But oh well, I finnished it on normal anyways. And while doing this I was in a party with John and talked to him for the first time in quite a while. I usually just get really annoyed as soon as I hear his voice, but when he sent me the invite to that party it actually made me quite happy. I mean he did after all use to mean alot to me, and he's still a good friend. I just get a bit annoyed by his ways of thinking sometimes. he seems to think that finding a girl is all that matters, and he keeps stalking Vicky even after she've been pushing him away for 6 months and stuff. And he always say things are shit but he never explain why so I sometimes wonder if he just sayd that to get the attention somehow, or that his mind is making things alor worse then they actually are. But however, talking to him was great. I've missed him.

I can smell food... That's good, I'm getting hungry. And then we're gonna have a cake that I made with my mom earlier as desert, cuz her birthday is on wednesday and well.. Everybody ain't gonna be home on wednesday (me and my brother, for instance) so we're like "celebrating" today instead. And then the first part of the swedish eurovision song contest is today and I think I'm gonna watch it even though I kinda hate it. Mom wants me to, and it can be kinda fun to be commenting on people's outfits (that's what me and my mom usually do lol)

Maybe I should explain a bit more properly what actually happened last night... I think I will, but not now.
I just started writing that essay-ish-thingy for swedish class and it actually seems to be shaping up nicely, even if it's a pretty hard thing to write about. I'm writing about videogams (surprise) but the thing is that we gotta add like.. emotions to it, gotta write it in a way that the reader feels like he/she is in whatever the texts says. Gotta explain every feeling, smells etc. Parlyl kinda weird while writing about this but I'm doing my best and I think it'll turn out ok. I've got an A in swedish and I wanna try to keep that. And while sitting here I'm also waiting for the Halo Wars demo to download and listening to Cheggs and Darling rambling in the background of listening to music. I gotta get back to the writing, thinking of that it needs to be done before I leave tomorrow...
And for now, here's the song I'm listening to at the moment. Cheggs sent it to me yesterday and I love it.

Things worked out pretty well. I must say, I do get kinda proud of my way of handlign people sometimes. I'm good at talking, convincing people, making people listen to me.
I made Darling change his mind. I made him calm down completely and I made him.. err.. not not being on msn. It was kinda close though, but I made him change his mind. And then I talked to Cheggs, told him what he had done and he started whining about me saying it in a way I made it sound like i cared more about Darling then him. So... I had to explain to Cheggs that Darling means hell alot to me and actually damn alot more then he does. And... bleh.. Things worked out anyways, and I got into this really emotional talk with Darling. i liked that... But now I'm well tired and I'm off to bed.
Night night xx

Cheggs is seriously jealous of Darling. it's kinda scary actually.. I mean what reason does he have to be jealous anyways? It's not like I'm his... Even though he wishes I was and I sometimes believe he lives is some kind of imaginary world believing I actually am. Ok, sure, Darling is one of the persons who've meant the most to me throughout all of my life but still, that doesnt give Cheggs a reason to be jealous. Neither does it for Victor.

Ok darling was first looking überly depressed and didn't say antyhing for like half an hour, and now he suddenly said "I don't like causing problems and I need time to think. I'm gonna go now. Byebye xx" I didn't even have time to ask what was wrong or say bye. And Cheggs have seemed pretty down today as well. Why does everything have to be like this? Why does things always seem to gather up into all these problems around me? I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
I sent him a text the second he signed off, but he didn't answer... I feel kinda worried right now. I hope he's ok... And you know what? Being the reason but yet not is worse then just simply being the reason. I mean, I'm the reason they're feeling bad, but yet not completely. It's not I who've done anything, but it would've been there without me, if you get what I mean?

So, Darling signed off msn and I sent him that text, and now he's online but appearing offline talking to me. he first said he won't be on msn too much cuz he don't wanna cause trouble and now he admits the fact that all of this is Chegg's foult but tells me not to be. I'm just.. so damn pissed with Cheggs right now. But Darling's asking me not to do anything, so I won't... But I'm feeling horrible at the moment. And i'm trying to convince Darling not to stop going on msn just cuz of this. Trying to help him get his mind at least a little bit straight again.
I'll write again once this is over.

I've turned my entire room upside down now and I still can't find either my passport or my iPod... Omg it's so annoying.
I'm in that kind of mood when you're not in the mood for anything, u know.. Listening to a kinda depressing but oh so good song, being tired like hell, feeling casually down and just wanting to go lay in my bed and hide under the cover. Not even talking to Darling is making me feel better right now. maybe I should ring Victo.

I can't think right now.. There's just a billion things going on and I don't know why, or what.

P.S: Avenged Sevenfold are WELL good. D.S.

Written yesterday, 20:23 GMT+1

"I was sopposed to be with Victor all day today, but I ended up.. err.. Not being. lol. I was feeling kinda bad yesterday and then it just disappeared but today it returned and omg I was feeling so horrible bad.
If I was to be with Victor I would've had to walk quite far and then be with him at this scout thingy and being in the state I was that didn't seem too tempting, so I made up my mind and went home instead. Once I got back here I feel asleep nearly instantly and slept for about an hour and a half and now I'm actually feeling pretty well. Not great, but hell alot better then before. And well now I'm starting to regret leaving him. I miss him so much, it's actually kinda freaky. I havn't missed him this much in a while.. (could be cuz we've been together neraly constantly the last 2 weeks?) Although, I know I made the right desicion. Even if I miss him right now and wouldn't want anytning more then to be with him I know it would't have been too joyful for any of us if I didn't go home. I was feeling crap, I was easily annoyed, easily hurt and just überly whiny. And that's not nice for either him or me. I mean  wtf, I more or less started crying over nothing, over him laughing at me saying a really silly thing. But however, I miss him anyways.
I got this huge, weird emotional breakdown earlier.. For like 2 minutes. It was the weirdest thing I've felt in a long time. I had been sleeping, and just when I woke up I started thinking about Victor and also there was this really sad, beautiful song coming from the game Crow was playing and those two things together made me feel so awfully depressed and made me miss Victor so infinitely much. it was... freaky.
And.. Sitting like this right now, it reminds me so much about before. Like.. before the holidays, kinda. When I was at home, alone most of the time. When all I did was sleeping, writing like this or watching Crow play xbox. Well, this far I've done all of them. I don't like this, I havn't missed it at all and I sure hope I won't ever have to go back to this. Just... being. Not doing shit, acting as if I doesn't exist. No, I hate it, I don't want it. I love it the way things are now. Being with Victor nearly every day, almost never being alone. I just wish I could be right now as well...

x Selene"

I've got my ordinary 3 hours break right nowand with, as usual, nothing to do really. I just transfered this text and then I'm gonna answer Mag's latest email.
I spoke to my mom on the phone yesterday and she thinks this whole thingy with the money for the laptop should work out just fine. They should've accepted it by like.. monday or tuesday or something. And then it'll take a couple of days to get the money and then, well, I'll probably get that lovely machine by the holidays. YAY!
Apart from that.. Well, it's friday... I'm gonna be home all weekend, have to write that swedish thingy and I also have to do that task in photography class. Gotta remember to go get a camera before I leave school.. But well, friday is equal xbox and computer. I guess that's at least something good. And finally I'll find out what the heck that conversation between Darling and Cheggs was all about. Unless Darling won't be on msn, but he should be... I hope. And then I'm - hopefully - gonna dye my hair this weekend, and cut it as well. And then there's 5 more days of school and then a week's holiday! Omg that's gonna be just sooo... great. Mostly. It's gonna be kinda bad as well though, no Victor for like.. idunno.. 5 days or something.. Horrible.
I'm gonna go answer Mag's email now.

This blog isn't actually my only way of "getting things out" at the moment. Ever since Mag stoped writing her blog we started emailing each others. There's something different about actually getting responds to what you write, and also actually knowing who reads it. I'm like this that writing when I know no one actually reads it doesn't actually do shit for me. Not cuz it makes me write worse, but cuz it makes me... Not write. Thats why I started writing here. But as I said, knowing exactly who reads it and getting responds is like another thing. Mostly because it means I can write anything, the risk of the things i write ending up getting read by the wrong persons is minimal. And that connection between me and Mag is pretty weird somehow. It's like I've known her for so long even if I havn't. and I havn't actually been properly talking straight to her for more then like a week now. But anyways...

This whole thingy about the laptop ended up being quite complicated. We needed those reciets and either me or my mom had any idea where they were. Though, mom texted me this morning and told me she'd found them. But there's still reciets for about 90 punds missing. But those are completely gone and hopefully it'll work anyways... And well, if things work as fast as they did last time, I should have the money by next weekend. Sorry for rambling so much about this anyways, I'm just pretty excited about getting a laptop again and I got kinda affected when things ended up being more complicated then I expected them to.

I'm talking to Darling on msn at the moment, apparently he had some weird conversation with Cheggs and he's saved it and wants me to read it, but he can't sent it to me till I'm home and I so wanna read it now. Darling keeps talking about it and I just managed to count it out that it was about Cheggs being jealous of me being close to Darling. Kinda. And now he's whining about people getting jelous of him (people equal Cheggs and Victor). Ah well idunno.

It's snowing here btw. It started snowing yesterday and it still is. Or at least it was an hour ago, Idunno about now cuz the windows in here are covered for some reason.. I'm getting a bit fed up with the cold though, I want spring. I don't like summers or at least not the hottest times during summer, I'm all überly sensitive when it comes to warm weather and direct sunlight. I get sunburnt way too easily and being out when it's really hot usually makes me seriously dizzy and feeling ill.

Oh well... I actully do have quite alot more to say, but I don't have the time to so I'll end this now. Talk to you tomorrow.

I went to see the councelor today, which I realized isn't called a councelor but apparently it's called a school welfare officer... at least according to this translation site I use lol. However. I went there and talked to her for like 45 minutes and, surprisingly enough, I got something out of it. I didn't actually have much to say and well before I got there I had no idea why I was actually going there, I even concidered not going. But once I was there (15 minutes to early, apparently I remember the time wrong) I talked consantly about everything and nothing. And I realized something, a quite important thing actually. I don't actually need help. Like.. I've been at various places to talk about my depressions and get help in life at various times of my life, but the thing is... I always learned the most from myself. Not from someone telling me what it might be. I just need someone to ask the right questions or give the right comment and I end up answering my own questions. I realized that my obsession with changing my looks is simply just me trying to change myself cuz I'm fed up with the inside. The xbox and talking to my friends there is a way of escaping everything else and just have some fun, I only write and draw when I'm very depressed or thinks about something special. And, the biggest thing I realized, I can actually take care of all my feelings without any bigger problems. I avoid being alone, for instance. At the weekends, when I feel lonely, if I'm at the computer and got no one to talk to I usually go downstairs to watch TV or just to ahve some kind of human contact for a minute or two and that makes me feel better. I am simply very aware of what I do and what to do about it. The question remains though, why don't I ever seem to take care of my own feelings properly?

I had a text from my mom this morning telling me that to gethe money for the laptop they needed the reciept for my sewing machine... (I used the same money to buy a sewing machine and that pattern course about a year ago) which we were sopposed to have sent to them when I bought it... And I'm just so annoyed about it. That means that I could've had the money in time to get the laptop this weekend, but now I can't. Hopefully I'll have them by the weekend after that or like the holiday (I think I said something about having a holiday in 2 weeks?). So well, yeah, I'm just frankly annoyed right now... Not that I actually need the laptop soon, it's just like.. the whole thing about it. Things not working out the way I want them to. I hate when that happens. And also, as if that wasn't enough, the battery on my phone died this morning when my mom was texting me about this. And I realized the charger was at Victor's. So i couldn't charge my phone and like end that conversation with my mom till half an hour ago.  So well this day this far have been kinda.. unlucky, if you can use that word to explain it.
Just randomly writing here I just realized a reason i want the laptop as soon as possible. Or well, two. Both because I reeeeally want it by the holiday so I won't have to use that slooooooow computer I've been using since my old one died, and cuz that's equal that I can be in my room with it and also that I can be ont he xbox and the laptop at the same time (lol me). But mostly cuz I really feel like starting to write properly here again. Like in the start, when I wrote 3-4 posts every day. Dunno if I'd actually do that again, but yeah... I really feel like at least being able to write whenever I want to again. But oh well... I'll keep my fingers crossed. And now... I'm just really hungry, waiting for Victor's lesson to end. It's about 30 minutes left omg. I'm gonna starve to death.

My mood always goes up and down in like different periods. There's always something bothering me, but it usually isn't the same. For like a month I might just feel very lonely, then I might feel useless, then depressed, then I might be troubled about schoolwork, then friends etc. etc. And well... The last month or like 3 weeks have been more or less free from these things. But today I just had this major breakdown and nearly started crying, while at school. I just realized how much I don't like myself.. How... Useless, stupid, not worth a shit I am. And don't get me wrong, I know several persons who would strongly disagree with me, but that's still what I in that moment realized. And I still, part, agree with it. I'm not too goodlooking, I'm not fit, I migth be clever but not in any interesting way, I've got no interesting to say (apart from rambling, but that ain't interesting really even though people seem to like it), I'm not funny, not talented... It's like.. What's good with me anyways? What's so special about me, why am I any good at all? And I think I've told you before how much I don't like myself, like.. my past, my ways of thinking, parts of my personality.. So what's left to like? I made up my mind about changing the more shallow things, the things that are easilly done. I wanna loose some weight, get a more fit body (both as in more goodlooking and as in like.. fit), I'm gonna dye my hair and probably cut it as well (although I decided that like a month ago) and I.. Ergh idunno... I just hate myself at the moment. And I just keep seeing these signs that I'm right. I keep seeing how people don't want to be with me...
Although... Like right now, that I'm talking to Darling and Cheggs on msn, or most of the times (apart from some rare moments) when I'm with Victor, I feel the complete opposite. But yer.. Argh.. Idunno... And I've got a meeting booked with the councelor (most likely misspelled but anyways) tomorrow but I can't make up my mind if I actually wanna got here or not... I can't really think of what I've actually got to say, but at the same time it wouldn't hurt going there would it? Apart from the fact that it'd meen I get about an hour less time time to sleep in the morning.
Ah well, however... I'll just.. go drool a bit over the image of my (soon to be) new laptop now. Omg I can't wait...

I had a message from someone, not telling me his/her name that this person misses my writig. So I just thought I'd apologize a little for like not writing at all anymore... But it's just that I'm never at the liberary anymore cuz I spend every day after school with Victor instead. But (I can't remember if I've said this before? Well sorry if I'm repeating myself...) I'm getting a new laptop. Hopefully in about 3 weeks or so. I'm so happy about that, I mean I havn't had a good computer in.. what is it.. about 3 months now? Not that I've actually missed it that much... But I'm still kinda excitead about this. And I mean itäs a brand new laptop, and a pretty good one as well, so it's gonna be all.. good. Lol. My old laptop was kinda deaded after like 2 years (including 2 major virus attacks, 2 lan parties being connected to several faster computers and playing games it could barely handle and well... being turned on for something between 10 and 25 hours/day for 2 years...) I'm gonna try and take more proper care of this one annnd it'll probably result in me writing alot more here again. Maybe not as much as I did in the beginning, cuz then I was always at home which I ain't anymore, but yet, more then I write now.

I ramble alot, don't I?

However... I spend the weekend with Victor and oh my god it was amazing. I ended up staying at his tonight as well and having to go up to go to school in the morning was just horrible. I very much felt like just going back to sleep. And well if I would have been going back to the flat after school I'd probably end up sleeping for like an hour or 2. But I'm not... I'm going back to Victor's to help him with his history essay (which was sopposed to be handed in last friday) and well.. be with him. I obviously choose being with him over an hour of sleep.

This weekend have, however, just felt so incredably.. natural. As if that's what it's sopposed to be like. Just him and me, alone, living together. I really hope for that to actually happen in the future. I really hope this will only get better and well never end. At least not for a long, long time.
I've got computer class thingy however and I'm all like wtf, I work far from properly on these lessons but I'm still about 5-10 pages ahead of most of the others in my class. Fascinating lol. And oh, I just heard from someone.. I've got a one week break in 2 weeks. So... 10 more days at school and then 5 days without school. or well, 9 says sence it's including 2 weekends lol. Time to get some proper sleep! Yay! And well hopefully I won't have to be away from Victor all week..
Ah well. 25 minutes left of the lesson and I've spent about 5 minutes working this far, so I should keep working now.
Ttyl. Or well like.. Some other day.