I just realized something.. Abour Marilyn Monroe (random thing, huh?)
With today's ideals, that woman would've been concidered fat. Probably not ugly or whatever, but she would most probably be concidered "plus sized" or whatever. Having a larger size then S or possibly M. But I must say.. That woman is among the most beautiful women ever existed. I mean look at those curves! Look at that confidence!
I just really don't get today's ideals. I mean.. I would honestly say I'm the "fattest" girl in my class, just on the line of being overweight to be honest, but I still don't hate my body cuz of that. But most girls would! I mean ok, I don't really enjoy seeing myself naked, but with the right clothes I actually find my body looking really good sometimes.
I think... Now that I'm actually gonna try loosing some weight, by starting to swim and also eating less candy (and goddamnit I'll actually make it this time), I think I'll aim for the "Marilyn size". I don't wanna get too skinny. I would never wanna loose my curves. I mean.. Isn't she just perfect?

I just have to post this.

It should've been in eurovision and been the one represtenting Sweden instead of just a side-entertainment-thingy. Lol.  I mean.. they're singing tingeling and it's got part of the tetris OST in it!
I feel random lately.
Oh and yer.. I pissed Cheggs off. And then I deleted him off msn and skype. He called me a whore, trying to insult me. He failed on insulting me but then I realized we're never gonna be friends again.

It's about 2 hours since I ate and.. well.. omg I'm so full.
Victor took me out for dinner at Burger Inn, this really good burger place here in Falkbenberg. And after that we went to a café, the place we went to on our first date, and had piiie. Nom nom. But well after that.. Damn I'm full.

Victor and I kind of.. started fighting earlier today. Or something. Idunno what happened really? But he made me get late for P.E by going to the school nurse like 10 minutes before class started, and then it showed he wasn't even planning on taking part of the class himself - with other words he made me get late but it didn't do shit for him. And that made me annoyed, like hell. Especually when he couldn't explain wtf he was thinking. Cuz from what he had said before it seemed like he just wanted to get a little late to get a shorter class, no signs of plans of not taking parts of it. And then when I asked why he didn't tell me and what he was thinking he didn't give me an answer and I just got pissed off. So we went separate ways for like 5 minutes, till I texted him saying "I'm sorry" and then like 2 minutes later he was back with me, saying he was sorry, holding me in his arms. And Victor said this really.. Idunno if I should call it clever but, thing.. That every time we fight, if we stay with each others we just keep arguing forever and makes something usually pretty small into something huge, but the times we walk separate ways while fighting it just takes like a minute and then both of us just go sad, feeling sorry and missing the other.
Seriously, isn't that just.. great? i mean most people/couples are like.. need to talk things over, clear fights up and whatever. We just keep apart for a 60 seconds and it's over. Lol we're epic.

Apart from that..I woke up without Victor next to me this morning. Sad face. We had dance class, which was pretty fun. Then theatre class, which was pretty.. weird. Lunch. Then the P.E lesson which I never went to, maths (where I actually did quite some counting. Go me.) and then music theory. And I did pretty well on the music theory, even though we were doing rhythm thingys. (I usually do kinda bad on that. Or well, at least I'm now usually the only one who got things right as I was today.) Then I had dinner with Victor, went home to Victors and had some cuddling, then he had to leave for his theatre and I went home and here I am. Hopefully he'll be coming over for like half an hour or something after theatre.

And tomorrow we're going swimming! In the public bath. And then my plan is to start going there like.. once/week or something, to get excercise. Aaaand hopefully I'll be able to stay over at his place. Oh and note to self; buy the eyeliner for mom tomorrowwww... Oh and yer, I've got singing lesson tomorrow! yay! for time in three weeks lol. I've missed it. I've missed my teacher :')
That's about what I've got to say about today.

It's 5 past 11 and I've still got my laptop on. Bad me.
Yes, this post is completely pointless.
NIGHT NIGHT PEOPLE xx

(omg no xSelene picture thingy)

I was a good girl today C: Or well.. I was home at about 5 past 10. So that give me an hour before I have to turn my beloved fiancée (the laptop) off. I decided to turn it off at 11 so I'll get proper sleep every night.

So.. Victor and I finnished the last "big" part of the room. So all that's left now that's got to do with painting and welll the bigger thingys are for his parents to do. So it's kinda done. Lol. And we decided today that I'll stay at Victors those last 2 weeks before the summer holidays when I don't have anywhere to stay. And well then after the summer.. I must admit I'm really curious what will happen. And how things wil turn out. I mean.. Anything can happen really. And I guess all the options have their good and bad parts.

I don't have anything to say relly. Nothing happened since I last wrote. The most interesting thing that's happened is that Victor ound this video;

I just can't stop laughing when I watch it.

I'm gonna watch some TV now and go through a couple of websites to see if anything interesting have happened.
Night night xx

Photography class... And I've managed to screw up my task! I forgot the negatives in the room where we develop the photos last week, and now they're gone.. And today is the day it's sopposed to be handed in. Sigh. My teacher said he'll think about what to do till next lesson (thursday) and then.. Idunno, I guess either I'll just get a C on it cuz he's seen part of what I've done already, cuz he had to help me when I tried to develop the pictures... Or he'll give me some kind of extra task. Idunno. But however I don't have anything to do right now. My teacher told me to go write a text (we had to write a text to go with out photos) and I did that in like 3 minutes. Already had the text in mind.

Some days you seem so close
like you stand right before me
But then the next day you seem so far
like each other we can't see,
Each day is like a roller coaster
with my stomach turning upside down
You stand there looking
but yet you don't utter a sound,
I feel so confused and
my heart is being torn at its seams
And every night that I sleep
you seem to linger in my dreams,
Every time I look at you
I forget all my thoughts
And right then and there
it's you that my heart has sought,
Every time I hope
it turns into something bad
So for right now I'll stop thinking
And maybe things won't end up sad.

And like.. Now then? Half an hour left of the lesson, nothing to do. Blargh. I think I'll go onto kongregate and play some random games Lol.
I'm going to Victor's after this lesson and I'll probably be home late so I'm not sure neither I'll write again today or not.

xoxo

Monday morning.. At school.. Not at computer class!
Victor spent the night at the flat with me and we kind of overslept this morning. Or well, actually we just didn't want to get up so we woke up and then stayed in bed for about 30 minutes. So I was 10 minutes late for class, when I come up to the classroom and on the door I see this note saying my class is cancelled. I was like "Noooooo! I could've slept for another hour " But oh well.. Nothing to do about that, so I hounted down a computer and here I am.

yesterday was great, just like every other day I spend with Victor.. but after some kinda awkward things happening we ended up getting all emotional and talking for like an hour, so I'd guess we didn't go to sleep till about 1. And the fact that Victor was mostly the one talking as the conversation slipped aside and turned into him talking about things that are bad in his life. Things I must admit that I cannot really understand. He was talking about how no one likes him, how people keep a distance from him and stuff.. And this makes him feel bad. And when he said that I couldn't really help but thinking of myself and wondering wtf has he got to complain about? Nothing bad meant. But I've never really had alot of friends. There was this one while, before I moved from gothenburg, when I had quite alot of friends and I was hanging out with theme very day, but apart from then I've always had just one maybe two really good friends and like.. no one else. Apart from my friends in england. I guess when it comes to xbox live I'm quite "popular", I don't think I've ever met a person I've talked to properly there who haven't liked me and I've had moments with like all of my friends from there when we've been reeeally good friends. The only one that's lasted though is Darling. And I guess part Babe, cuz we keep getting back to each others. But well yer.. I realized yesterday that my best friends are all in england, and I've never seen them. Or well I've seen Darling. I don't have any friends at school, more like the opposite. I quite often feel like I'm just in the way. To say it like this.. If it wasn't for Victor I would most probably spend all schooldays sitting alone, reading or listening to music. That's how I spend my time without friends, and to be honest I don't mind it. Or well not while I'm in it. Once I start talking to someone I always realize how much I miss having friends. But yer, I think you get my point with all of this... Or well, actually you shouldn't cuz I don't really get it myself.. However, we talked. And Victor was whining a little bit too much, but I didn't really mind it. I will never understand how someone with a couple of friends who want to be with him and even whine when he's busy (being with me) can find himself lonely and unloved. But i guess we're both used to different things. I'm used to being lonely, he's not. it's kind of fascinating how what you're used to effects your emotions and way of thinking.

Oh and by the way, when I went to school this morning there was an ambulance just across the street. And as I was walking past it I realized it was there cuz someone had died. Cuz two.. whatever the people who work in ambulances are called, came out with a stretcher with someone on it, but the person was covered. The weird thing was that I didn't feel anything. Well, sure, I didn't know the person and it was probably just someone who died of age or whatever but I still didn't feel anything. I'd expect me to do if I saw something like that.

Anyways.. 30 minutes left till next class. Borinnng. I think I'll go read a little. I'm readin this really good book, "across the nightgales floor". It's quite famous here in sweden but idunno if it is over in england. But meh, however, it's well good.

I just wanted to write something before I leave to the flat...
It's nearly an hour left till I'm leaving but anyways. Gotta go make dinner now. Oh and I just came up wiht the coolest idea of a design for a pencil skirt. I so gotta sew that one as soon as pissible.. After the dress.
I'll tty in a couple of hours. ly all xx

For the first time in a long time, I introduce to you.. A slow day! Lol. It's only 2 o'clock, or well i could almost say it's 1 o'clock thinking of that the time skipped an hour forward tonight.
I've been doing.. nothing, all day. And I'm booored. I woke up at 9:30, went and played soe Call of Duty.. Then I've more or less been sitting here with nothing to do for the last couple of hours. Or well, I spent about 30 minutes creating a sewing pattern for a dress. Now all that's missing is the fabric.

Anyways.. My granny's here at the moment. My parents are away and my sister with boyfriend and Crow are hiding somewhere downstairs.
Oh, and because my parents are away I'll have to walk to the bus later. 2 kilometres, carrying my laptop. I know, I'm whiny, that's not very much.. But still. I don't mind walking, but I do mind walking while carrying bags which alltogether weighs about 3-4 kiloes. It kills my back. I better chaarge my iPod so I'll have something to listen to while walking..

I talked to Victor on the phone last night, and we ended up talking quite alot about this whole me having to move out of the flat thingy. And for a couple of minustes we came into the discussion of me and planning. I had  a perdion a couple of months ago where I was all like anti-planning. I didn't want to plan mine and Victor's future cuz there's no guarantee it'll last till the time when the plan should be set and blabla. And even though I still part agree on that, planning the future too much is just bad, I still do it. I quite often start planning looooads, and I love it! I mean isn't it just amazing to daydream about what your future will look like?
I remember when I was a kid, and we were going to Greece for vacation. I was making packing lists and stuff like a month ahead, cuz I wanted everything straight once the time was come. You know? I'm such a schizophrenic person.. I always say I'm quite impulsive, and I am, but I'm also all, structured, like to keep things clear etc. Open for changes but I still want some kind of overall view of what's going on.
However, talking about how I might move in at Victors was just.. great. It didn't feel wrong anyhow. There's not really anything I would want more.
There's too many hours till I see him again

Guess what guess what guess what? I've wanted to like actually start sewing for other people, become a sewstress part-time... Kind of. But I never actually got any orders. I made a prom dress for a friend once, and I've made two skirts for another friend. Apart from that I've only made clothes for myself. And well I loooove sewing, it's just that I can't afford getting alot of fabric for myself. I actually haven't bought any fabrc in a year! But however... I opened my own store... thingy. I made a site (actually it's a blog, but I'll use it as a proper site) where I'm gonna take orders for clothes. Mainly to make similar garment as ones I've already made with maybe some small changes but also so that people can see what I've made and want to order completely cusom-made thingys as well. Meh, I think you get it.
I haven't added too many garment yet, but it's coming.. I'm not planning on trying to actually "spread" the site till in a couple of months, or like.. 2-3 maybe, when I've got some more things to show. Cuz I've decided to spend most of my money the nearest months on buying fabrics to sew with. I still really need more clothes, and I really feel like sweing. Even though that doesn' always last for too long, I don't want it to turn out like it did last time. I was all sewing-maniac-ish for a month, then I completely left it for like 9 months, then I had another period like that and.. Then I ran out of fabric. Lol.
Gosh, I rable so much. But however.. I feel quite proud actually moving my ass (not literally) and at least starting to try and get something proper out of it.

Apart from dealing with the website I spent the last couple of hours in front of the TV. Watching the swedish Robinson with my parents and now CSI. And guess what? I never took that shower. And I only sketched about half of the ideas I've got. Goddamnit I've gotta start actually doing things I say I will do.

I came out with the coolest idea of a dress to make btw. I'll buy the fabric for it as soon as i've got the money.
Blabla. Yeah, my head is all filled with sewing sewing sewing at the moment. Too bad I don't have any fabric to transfer the creativity to. Or well I do, but nothing I can make anything proper out of... Well my head is filled with that and the wonders of what will happen when I move from the flat. I mean anything can happen really. Hopefully Victor's parents will allow me to move there, but I guess that's a bit too much wish-thinking to believe it would actually happen.. It would be all epic if it did happen though.
Meh.

Just posting ap hoto of the shoes I bought.. Idunno if anyone's interested really, but I don't care. I post it anyways, haha :)

I love them!

Back to sketching now.. These sketches seem to turn out pretty good, so expect to see more pictures today.

I just came back home from shoe-shopping with my mom. We went to Ullared (the nearest town) to look for spring shoes.  Or well.. Whatever to call it. Something to use between winder shoes and sandals, you know? Lol, so much rambling.. However.  ended up buying these some kind of red converse copies with a tiny platform. I'll post pictures later :) Only cost £17, and I only have to pay half of it (my mom and I split half on the price on shoes and jackets)! So that's like nothing. Happy face.
I spent about an hour earlier playing Call of Duty online, and well to only have played about 6 games I'm quite ok at it. i do really good at some points, but at some others I do crap. But meh, I never really cared about gaining skill on videogames, I just play for fun. And then just the second my mom called me for breakfast, Darling sent me a party invite. He must've thought I was trying to avoid him or something, thinking of that I signed off just after he invited me. But meh, I'll go on and play again in a while so then i can just tell him I had to go.

The weather outside is great. It's not too warm but not cold either and the sun is shining brightly. I might even concider going out for a short walk or something later. Or maybe I'll go out and take some photos.. Probably not though, it's still all windery outside and the forest isn't looking too good to say it that way. And I need to take a shower as well.. And I still haven't started sketching down those clothing ideas. I'll do that straight away, before I forget about it again. Might let you see the pictures of those as well.

Okay, I know, I ramble too damn much. But oh, yer.. I nearly forgot. Over to something a bit more serious then how I spend my days;
During breakfast my mom told me Crow wants to move out of the flat, cuz he doesn't feel well being alone and wants to move back home. And I've been told all along that if one of us wants to move back home, then both of us have to. So, from the start of June I don't have anywhere to live (exept here, at home). So.. Well this could end up any way. Mom's trying to find somewhere else for me to live, somewhere cheaper to live. My parents know some people who live in Falkenberg from this thingy they're doing and it seems like they're gonna ask around there to see if there's anyone who have got a room for me to rent or something. And well if that doesn't work I guess Victor will do all he can to make his parents agree on me living at his. So well, yer.. This could turn out in some different ways and at this moment I have no idea which. I just really hope I won't have to move back home. Although, if I'd have to.. I don't think it'd be bad only. I've kind of missed living at home as well. But if I do, I won't be able to see Victor more then during school and I'll have to be up at 5 and won't be home till 6 more or less every day. thaaat's the bad part about it.. But meh. We'll see.
Gonna sketch down those garment now. Ttyl.       xx

(22:35:53) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: did you get my text? ^^
(22:36:15) Just Nick i sweet all over : yes
(22:36:19) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: gdgd
(22:36:25) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: r u still pissed with me?
(22:36:59) Just Nick i sweet all over : yes sorta
(22:37:23) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: k ill shush then
(22:37:27) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: i dont wanna risk another fight
(22:37:33) Just Nick i sweet all over : please :/
(22:38:11) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: just please tell me if you feel ok about talking again, i wanna clear things up, i dont want us to be fighting, k? :\
(22:46:45) Just Nick i sweet all over : i think the only way to do that is if we stay out of eachothers way tbh :/
(22:47:25) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: well we're apparently able to keep some kind of proper conversation right now, aren't we? :\
(22:47:45) Just Nick i sweet all over : well thats because were trying to sort it out arent we?
(22:48:02) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: I've got no intentions of starting a fight, and I'll do whatever I can to avoid it. But it's obviously up to you, I can't force you to talk to me
(22:48:18) [ Selizzle ] Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.: well isn't that what this is all about, trying to decide we'll actually try?
(22:48:37) Just Nick i sweet all over : it was yestrday but u wouldnt do i
(22:48:39) Just Nick i sweet all over : and now i dont
(22:48:40) Just Nick i sweet all over : sorry

And then he blocked me. For fuck's sake it's just pissing me off so bad.. I feel like texting him, yell at him. But it won't do anything good, so there's no point. I'm ready to have a proper conversation with him, try to proper clear things up. But this is the reason I flip. This is the reason he pisses me off. That goddamn idiot...

I'll go play some Call of Duty with Darling now. Need to stop thinkng of this shit.. I do my best and he ain't giving anything back. is he even worth the effort? Probably not.

I ended up not going to my last (2½ hours) lesson today. About.. just before I had to leave I started having this pretty serious conversation with Victor. I've never really mentoned what it's all about, and I won't say too much now either cuz.. Well I just feel like telling about his private life is up to him, not me. But he's got some issues at home, feeling literally shit about some stuff and.. shit. So we spent over half an hour talking, or well.. him talking, me listening and giving him the few advice I could come up with. But I'll do everything I can for him. Even though that's not much, I still want to help him. I don't want him to feel bad. Not now, not ever.

Apart from that.. I'm the only child at home. Crow's at our grandmom's and Karro's at a friends. Sooo i'm all alone with my parents. That doesn't happen too usual. So well I'm going down to the TV to be a bit social in about half an hour.
Not too much happened since I got home after school.. I've translated another email for my stepdad, talked a bit on msn, had dinner.. And that's about it. I brought Fallout 3 and Call of Duty: World at war (that's actually my brother's and i looted it, but still..) so hopefully i'll get some time to play this weekend. I havn't been playing like at all lately. I've just spend all my time on the laptop and with Victor. No bad about that, but I miss playing. Sooo this will be my gaming weekend! Lol.

I... haven't really got much to say right now. I'm gonna sit down and make some sketches for clothes. I'm in a sewing mood! I think I'll go buy some fabrics once I know for sure I can afford it. I've been alot into buying clothes lately, but yesterday I realized that why don't I just make them myself? It might not always be the cheapest, but it's alot more fun and the clothes turn out alot more personal. And I feel like I wanna get some more practice when it comes to sweing. I'm ok at it at the moment, but that's when it's about sewing for myself cuz then I usually make everything a bit too big and then make them smaller afterwords, when I can try it on. I need to learn to draw proper patterns and sew directly from those, without having to try things on a thousond times before. So well I think I'll make some sketches and then maybe draw some patterns this weekend as well. That way I will also know how much fabric I actually need.
Blabla, I ramble too much.

I am.. confused, at the moment. I don't know what to feel really.
There's this something that happens every now and then, more often lately, that always makes me feel like shit. It makes me angry, sad.. And well this thing happened about 10-15 minutes ago.
John, Victor's.. I guess best friend at school exept me. He's the one that gives me these feelings. About 2(3?) weeks ago this happened like in an obvious way for the first time. We were having dance class and John literally pushed me away from Victor twice, very obviously telling me "stay away from him, stop stealing him from me..."
Then again yesterday (I think) he was talking to Victor about having a gamning weekend, and he looked at me with a very sombre experssion and said "without you.", without me even giving the slightest sign of any interest to join in. And then it was a bit more during that conversation that gave me the same feeling.
Then again 15 minutes ago. Victor and John passed me, on the way to their class, late as usual (they're always late to that one class). When Victor saw me and went to say hi John, with a pretty annoyed voice, said "oh fuck, you weren't sopposed to see her." And then he grapped Victor and more or less pulled him away from me, holing him while walking away, looking back at me with a face tha said "ha-ha, I won!" And I doubt the fact that Victor is even close to aware of this.
i'm fed up with it. I can't stand it. And no, he's not joking. It's so damn obvious this is serious. He hates me and he hates every second Victor spends with me. And wtf can I do about that? I sometimes feel like just keeping away from Victor to make John happy for once, to avoid this goddamn fight about him. But what would that help? I don't think there's anything I can do and it's driving me insane.
Fucking jealous people. I'm goddamn sorrounded by them and they're making my life alot worse then it should be.

I'm too fucking fed up with Cheggs now.. I'm sorry about writing so damn much about him, but goddamnit! He's a fucking idiot!
I spent the day with Victor. We had a maths test after school and after that we went to his place and did some work with his room. The painting is nearly done now, yay! And apart from fighting with Cheggs/talking to Adam on msn all I've done since I got back home is translating another email for my stepdad really.
However.. the last 30 minutes have been.. intense. I started talking to Cheggs, as usual, nothing special, we were actually kinda friendly. But then it screwed up, I got pissed and told him he needs to stop thinking of himself all the time, needs to stop constantly pitying himself. And that made him flip, literally. Then he said he was crying and I just got so fed up with him pitying himself and he ended up blocking me agan.
Theeeen.. Adam was trying to get us talking again. And things just flipped even more. Adam was feeling shit about this, Cheggs was all nice to Adam but a douche to me and got pisse with me when I commented that. And then Cheggs wanted him and me to be friends again - for Adam's sake! Right, beign friends again.. ok. Doing something to help Adam, ok. Those things mixed.. Big NONO. And well.. for a while there I was close to crying.. Not cuz of Cheggs, defeneatly not, but cuz of Adam. Cuz I flipped, I was pissed, I was really pissed. And I even flipped at Adam, cuz I thought he was acting a bit.. stupid as well. And this made Adam go all sad and like "omg Selene what happened to you?" and stuff. But well it cleared up.. And I've told Adam now that he doesn't have to be a part of this at all, and I'll leave it. I also explained to him that I won't care about becoming a friend with Cheggs again cuz to be honest my life have never been better. Telling Victor the truth and making up my mind was the best thing I could've done. It made me realize how happy he makes me, made me realize how damn infinitely much I love him.

However.. My head is all überly dead now after all the fighting and thinking and shit. Let's look at clothes, it's like a kind of therapy.

As I said yesterday I didn't have any singing lesson today, so I didn't need to be at school till 11 to have lunch with Victor and then my first lesson started at 12. And the weather this morning was just great. I didn't even wear a jacket, I just put my hoodie and scarf on and even that was a bit hot! Once I got warmed up from walking I had to stay in the shadow to avoid getting too hot. Spring, yay!
And well.. not too much have happened today. I had my history essay back and gosh am I disappointed. I had a B-, and well I usually get As when it comes to history. The thing is.. my teacher couldn't even explain why he gave me such (low) grade! I asked him, and he just said "well the grades on collage are more harch then the ones in primary school". And he told me I had a lack of opinions and like own reflections in the text, but I told him I had quite some so he told me to underline them and he'll read it again and maybe giving me a higher grade. Like.. B or B+ probably. Not an A, but still better.
I talked to Adam a bit and he said some quite interesting things about Cheggs. To say it this way; he's completely on my side. He told me he things Cheggs have treated me wrong and stuff I would never have believe he thought. I said "Cheggs is a pretty selfish person, isn't he?" and Adam's answer was "yes, very." It kind of annoyed me a bit that he never said anything about this earlier though, cuz I mean Adam always just said good things about Cheggs. He's the one that actually made me believe Cheggs really loved me, more then anyone else ever would.
Adam even told me Cheggs changed for me. The thing was though that he believed Cheggs would change completely, overall, but it appeared he didn't. And well.. yer. He's simply on my side. That feels really good. I was afraid I'd loose Adam cuz I "lost" Cheggs. (He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. He sais it makes his heart ache -.-)

Well... Apart from that.. Nothing, really. I spend about 2 hours with Victor after school before he went to his dads (it's his birthday today) aaaand hopefully he's coming over later. Like.. idunno when. Anytime between now and in a hour or something. Can't wait.

Random quote from a conversation I've got with a friend at the moment;
Kuwde: So.. 4 people survive.. Me, Alex (her boyfriend), you and Victor :D
Me: Lmao, brilliant :D
Kuwde: You'll stand for the politics and clever.. stuff. Victor for the entertainment, Alex for the cooking and I'll.. handle the pervert parts 8]
Me: Does that mean I can have sex with you? *-*
Kuwde: Of course ;D
Me: Happy faaace :D
Kuwde: And to make it fair.. Victor and Alex can have sex as well (HAHA 8D)
Kuwde: Alex won't do it..
Me: Neither will Victor x)
Kuwde: Eh, we'll make them do it for our entertainment :D

I've got a horrible stomach ache and I've been couching up some kind of slime all day.. Yum :\ (not)
Well apart from that... This whole thing with Cheggs is getting just.. complicated. I got kinda annoyed with him a couple of days ago, yesterday I managed to piss him off completely (he even deleted and blocked me on msn) and.. stuff. He didn't block me on skype though so I just talked to him and at first it was just very obvious that he was pissed, but I somehow managed to turn it and all of a sudden he was making loads of sad faces and saying he was sorry and this is hard for him and i'll always be in his heart and stuff. But well.. I'm kinda "meh" about it. Sure, i don't want us to be fighting but... His true nature has revealed, to say it that way. Idunno what to think really. I can't really believe him saying he loves me after this. I mean, it happened twice. He forgets everything about me as soon as someone else is available. Love? I don't think so. I guess that's kinda good though. I mean.. I got over im really quickly. I don't miss him at all and things with Victor are better then ever before. (btw, today is our 4 month anniversary) But.. Idunno... Is it wrong of me to react on Cheggs' actions when I.. I guess part did the same thing to him? Meh. Idunno. I just wanna leave this behind, like.. completely. I can't really be bothered with this anymore. As I said, I don't mind still being friend with Cheggs, I really don't, but I want everything that's got anything with our past to do to just go away.

Anywayyyys.. I'm talking to Faz at the moment while watching the Simpsons. And I just texted one of my music teachers asking if I've got any singing lesson tomorrow - answer was no. I havn't had any singing lesson in 3 weeks now Extreme sad face I must say. I mean sure, ok, not having to go to school till 11 is.. ok (lol) but I still looove my singing lessons Hopefully I'll "get them back" later. Like.. have extra lessons, you know.
Anyways. Rambling. Victor's coming over for a while in about. an hour or something. Can't wait.

"Everything becomes french when you put "oui" in front of it" /Crow just a minute ago.

Monday, and computer class as usual.. I was gonna say, but then I realized I havn't been here for like 4 weeks. I can't even remember why.
However, the weekend was just.. Amazing. I havn't been this happy in a long time. Victor and I went to this film-thingy with his theatre friends last friday and then we spent the night there. It was just so.. different? Just being with each others, but actually doing something. Idunno how to explain it really but it was amazing, however.
I just found out that I havn't got too much time left on this chapter so I really need to work. So let's just make this a quick update.
I've got a maths test on thursday, and if I understood it right I've got one next week as well. Goddamnit.. And well then the test on this computer chapter in 3 weeks (I only have one lesson/week so that's like nothing) I hate tests. But at least I've got a weeks break in two weeks.
Ummm well as I said, this weekend was just great. Today started up great as well but then I realized I've dropped my mastercard somewhere and just got pissed and annoyed with myself. But I textet my mom and told her so she blocked it and ordered a new one. Hopefully I'll have it by friday, I need to get Victor's present in time...
Oh and I'm kind of fed up with Cheggs. I've realized what an idiot that guy actually is. yesterday when I went on msn for the first time in a couple of days, the first thing he started going on about hiow his stepsister's friends "wants him" and how he's sure he's got a girlfriend coming up. I'm like wtf? Great. He really found it difficult getting over me. It's not that I care about neither he's going out with someone or not, it's just that I can't believe how I could be so damn stupid, believing every word he said. I can't believe he told me no one can ever love me as much as he do and I actually believed it. I'm like.. right. That's why he got over me in 2 days. I mean sure, I can't deny the fact that I'm more or less over him completely already, but at least I never said things such as what he said. But meh, idunno. It wouldn't surprise me if I flip on him like.. later today. I'm just so damn glad I didn't leave Victor for that idiot. It would've literally turned into John all over again.

Anyways, gotta work now. Ttyl.

So.. I've got my ordinary über long break. And how am I spending it? By looking for clothes. Again. And I keep finding more I want. Argh. I reeeeally need money. Selllaptopselllaptopselllaptop! Lol soz, I'm obsessed.
However... I won't be on here for very much longer, I need to do some swedish for a test I've got after lunch. It's grammar, and I havn't studied what so ever... I'm screwed. Damnit. I mean how am I sopposed to learn like 60% of what's on the test in an hour? Ah well, I've got no one else then myself to blame. And I just realized how screwed I actually am, and thinking of that I'll die a bit inside if I don't get at last a B on the test I better start reading, like.. now. Idunno when I'll be writing again. As I said, I'll be with Victor over the weekend.

And omg the weather's like.. great! The sun's shining and it's kinda warm outside. (at least to be march in sweden.) Can't really help how that's making me all happy face. I feel all positive and stuff today. I think this day is gonna be great.

And I jusst saw Victor for like 2 seconds.. Miss him already :(    (I whine too much, don't I?)

Ttyl guys, ly all     xx

So, Victor came over after his scouting thingy was over. We had some dinner and then.. We kind of fell asleep. Lolwtf. Both of us fell asleep and when I woke up it was like 9:30 and he had to leave pretty soon. Gosh how I wish he could've stayed the night.

(Lol,I'm watching this random show on TV and I just heard something about this guy missing his make up sex and someone else saying make up sex is the best sex. I almost dare to agree)

However. I'm off to bed soon. And I've been looking for clothes aaaall damn day. Cuz geez how I feel like shopping clothes.. And being bored I just put together this top, skirt and shoes that I think I'm getting. And maybe something else. But I mean I get all of this for $42! That's like nothing! I love cheap clothes lol. The question is when I'll afford ordering them.. Probably not this month, this month's money will go to Victor's birthday gift. And oh note to self to tell Patric to fix my old laptop so I can sell it and get moooooar moneyyyyyz.

Anyways. Night night now. Hope you all had a great day         xxx

I talked to Cheggs... And I'm pretty confused about his emotions right now. He's accepting it and promised to try and move on and blabla. he sayd he'll do his best when it comes to everything I asked him. (Get over me, don't wait for me, blabla..) But at the same time it's kinda obvious it's making him feel bad. He told me he nearly threw up when he recieved the text I sent him, telling him it was over yesterday. And he's been home from school yesterday and today, not being ill but love sick or whatever he said.

After I finnished talking to Cheggs I started removing the cyberlox, the extensions I've got in my hair, and I just finnished it so I'm sitting here with newly washed hair now while watching Cops on TV. Crow left to do.. something, didn't tell me what, a couple of minutes ago and it's about an hour till Victor comes. I think I'll have a nap now. I'm reeeeally tired and my head hurts like hell.

Oh and yer, I found a great birthday gift for Victor, kekeke. :D

Yesterday was... a turning point. I decided; no more lies. So I told Victor the truth. And well to take it the short way the truth is equal that I never left Cheggs, and I hadn't been able to make up my mind on what to do and so I stayed with both Victor and Cheggs. There's pretty much more then that, but that's all I'll say at this moment.
I told Victor, or well.. I wrote it and let him read it. I couldn't say it but I knew I had to. Victor's reaction was tears. He cried, for like.. an hour or something. And once he clamed down a bit we started talking. And we talked, alot.. And in the end decided to.. more or less let Victor decide for me. I realized I couldn't do it. I told him that he could leave me if he wanted to, but if he still wanted to be with me after knowing this.. I'd do anything to make this work. And.. Seriously, I never thought he loved me this much. he didn't seem happy about it really, but he never showed any sign on wanting to leave me. I said several times that I should go, and every time he stopped me. So... in the end.. I, alot more confident about my decision then I thought I would be, decided to do all I can to get over all kind of feelings I have for Cheggs and do all I can for me and Victor to work. And oh trust me I will, i will do all I can. I told Victor yesterday all I can doesn't include anny guarantees, but I nearly dare saying that I can guarantee everything. I won't screw this up again. And... to be honest.. I wonder if this with me and Cheggs, at least from my side, is just.. Darling all over again. Simply that we're just friends and just didn't see the difference between really good friendship and love. I mean I don't feel any kind of regret. Not the slightest. The only reason I for an ounce feel bad about "leaving" Cheggs is because I know I hurt him. Alot. And I'm afraid in this Darling-all-over-again the end won't be the same, I'm not sure we'll go back to being good friends again. But that's up to him. If he wants to screw the good friendship we have up that's his decision. I'll do my best to stop that from happening thought.
I said to Victor yesterday that give me about a month and I should be over all of this.Over Cheggs for good. But.. Yer well as I said, I don't feel any regret. Sure, I havn't talked to him more then about 10 minutes, but... Gosh how could I be so stupid not to see this? it was just so damn obvious. Cheggs might love me (although I'm not even too sure about that, I mean he forgot me for my sister in like an hour just cuz she said he was cute) but I don't love him. I nearly dare saying this being a 100% sure.
So, apart from the fact that Victor's feeling bad about this (obviously, he's got all the right to. I've been the bigest douche existing and I'll give him all the time he needs.) I think.. things are all good. I just have to clear Cheggs mind and make him realize there was no point in him deleting every single internet friend he's got from xbox live because he thinks he screws things up.. kind of.. I don't get that really. (The fun part is that Crow and Daniel more or less cheered when they noticed he did. Darling said "meh")

You'll probably be hearing more about this, I'll try to explain more later or some other day..
Last night did, however, end in a great way. At least I think so. We left the hard feelings behind and.. had a pleasant time. Lol. I spent the night at his and woke up in the morning next to the man I love. And omg that remind me of hom much I miss him.. He's coming over in about 3 hours though. Can't wait. And then I'll spend the weekend at his and join him for some kind of film/possible sleepover thingy tomorrow. That's 2, maybe 3 more nights with him. Heaven <3

I love him. I really do. And I couldn't be luckier then I am, still having him after all this shit I've done.
He always tells me I'm the most amazing person he've ever met. And I must say ditto. That man is the man. My man,

Today have been the weirdest day.. or well, its been... Very much up and down. Very... Weird. And I've been talking about it with people (three different people, to be exakt. And that's minus the million times I've gone through it in my head) so idunno neither I'll be able to tell it poperly here or not, but I'll try to.
Today have been mostly about having serious talks with Victor. Something's just... not been right lately. And I know one of the reasons for that... And I've taken care of it. I did earlier today. I won't say what that was though, but it'll make a huge change.
The other thing is probably that Victor worries too much. He tries to hard, does too much and that way it just turns out to be.. too much. Which makes me get annoyed with him pretty easily. And well.. stuff. I really don't want to go through all of this.
However, for a while I more or less made up my mind that we should take a break. Just hand out like friends to just work this through on our own. But I ended up changing my mind. Big time. Thanks to Darling and part Babe as well.

Let's just say things looked pretty dark for a while, but now they've cleared up. Alot. Happy face.
Oh and yer well I'm probably not going to england this summer. At least not to Cheggs'.

I havn't got any ordinary lessons tomorrow but only choir practice from 11 when I start school and then I've got a concert at 7 o'clock. And then I'll probably spend the night at Victor's.

And omg I wanna buy clothes, and shoes. I've been looking at clothes on various websites the last 4 hours. I want moneyyyy to buy clooothes... Lol. I whine too much.

Quick update. Sorry about the dull post...
Tired now, hungry now. Goin to get fooooooooooooooooooooooooodz.

Everything is just so fucked up right now.. Today have been really, really confusing.
I started having this quite serious talk with Victor, about how he's really insecure about himself and.. stuff.. I really don't know anymore.. I just somehow feel like I'm all he's got, like... It seems like without me he'd be nothing. Like I'm the only reason he's happy. And to be honest.. I don't want it to be like that. I seriously don't like that.  I don't want his life to depend on me. I mean sure, I love the fact that I mean so much to him, but.. you know? He needs his own life, needs to take care of himself, needs to actually get to know himself and take care of himself and not only care about me. It just worries me. And also it gives me so damn alot of responsobility which I didn't sign up to get. I can't take care of my own life so how should I be able to take care of someone else's?
I actually concidered a break for a while. I was pretty sure I was going to ask for a break. Both for the two of us to see how we do without each others and also for him to get some time to spend completely on his own. Cuz honestly I'm really worried about him. And.. also it doesnt only worry but also annoy me to be "everything" for him.
But then I had a talk with Adam, and he said "aldrig ge upp kärlek", with others words never give up love using english/swedish translator. And I think that changed my mind completely. I don't think I could make it without him, even though I believe it'd do the best for him. Because honestly I do. I know I do good for him, but I think it's too good. You know? Literally too good. But... I guess I'm too selfish to do such thing for his sake when it's hard for me.

Anyways, I'm off to bed now. It's already midnight. Geez I should've been asleep like an hour ago.

I think I had some kind of temporary PMS back there.. I'm not saying what I wrote is wrong, but my emotions at that time was a bit.. exaggerated.

This very weird thing happened on the way home from the bus.. The weather outside made me think about summer nights, and every single place I've ever been to in the summer. Especually when I was in greece 9 years ago. Pretty random, I know. I also thought quite alot about when I was in england last summer, with John. How we used to go out for walks like juuuust before it got dark. It was great. I really love that.. Summer evenings. And summer nights as well. Best part of the year for sure.
However, this gave me some kind of urgent need of getting out of here. And I don't know neither it's because things are so fucked up at the moment or just because I don't feel like home here. I guess it's both... Ever since I realized I don't belong here I've had these needs every now and then. About 2 times/year to be more pricise. It's part of my life, part of not being where I'm sopposed to be. But these times are usually connected to a hard time in my life. I think. I've never really thought about it before. But this time it obviously is.

Meh, idunno. I just really want to, I really need to get away from here.
And I'm talking to Cheggs right now. About all of this. About everything. And I even though he's part of it, I can talk to him. And it helps me alot.
I just really don't know what to do... And I feel like I've been waiting for an answer to just randomly appear in front of me to long now. I need to make up my goddamn mind. But I have, havn't I? Several goddamn times. But I always end up changing my mind again.
Gosh someone help me... I might not be religious, but I really need some kind of blessing. Some kind of miracle.
Random comment but I just have to say that I love you all. No matter who you are. Just knowing you're listening means alot to me.

I randomly went into Victor's user page thingy for his blog, and Idunno but.. I shouldn't have done that. It made me remember the last things he wrote, and I saw those "last comments" thingys and remember what those were. And right now I'm just feeling genreally even more shit. And writing this probably isn't gonna work but I don't give a damn.. I need to say something.
I never mentioned this but I was on the phone with Victor last night and well about half of that conversation was about Cheggs. I remember he said one thing, he told me he feels thretned by Cheggs. it fels kind of good actualy hearing it from him, but yet I hated it. And then he was going on about him and Andy talking and how he really likes Andy and how it feels good that he's "on Victor's side" and not on Cheggs' side. And.. gosh.. idunno.. This is all just making me feel awful. He hadn't talked about it for so long, it was almost as if it didn't exist anymore, almost as if he was over it. But then everything comes at once and i realize how damn wrong I was. And I also realize why I was so afraid of not being able to stay in this for too long. Cuz goddamnit just thinking about it a tiny bit makes me feel shit. I know, it's my foult, I did it...
But that doesn't effect this really. It doesn't change the fact that I've got Victor, a boyfriend who's über paranoid and doesn't trust me, walking around being afraid I'll leave him for someone else. Cheggs, one of my best friends, madly in love with me, dispites Victor and thinks he treats me like shit and can't stand even hearing that I've spent some time with him. But still, talking to Cheggs makes me kinda happy. And also Andy, my best friend who hates Cheggs and together with Victor seems to somehow be planning something against him and well... They might not say it out loud, but I know both of them wouldn't mind it if Chegg's life was miserable.
And what the hell am I to do about this? Goddamnit... There's not a fucking thing I can do. And neither Victor or Cheggs is ever gonna get over this. Yer okay sure, Cheggs would if I broke up with Victor. But for fuck's sake is there anything I can do to make Victor leave this? There fucking isn't. He's never gonna leave it. He might not talk about it, but it'll always be there. In 5 months time I won't be able to go see my friends in england without knowing the fact that Victor won't trust either I stayed faithful or not, without knowing that'll be the end of our relationship.
For fuck's sake I can't take this shit anymore.. I give up goddamnit, there's nothing I can do! Face it, everyone, I'm defeated, I got into so deep shit I can't do anything about it! And I don't want to just sit here and wait, sit here and hope, wait for it to get buried so it won't be seen, even though it's there. I fucking can't do this anymore... Just go kill yourself Selene. Just die damnit. There's no point. No way out. You're fucking doomed.

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Today is one of those meh-days, big time. Well yeah, sure, I've been up for less then an hour, but I already hate this day.
I woke up with more of less no pain in my throat at all. That's good. Maybe it actually ain't gonna get any worse then this? Then I went down for breafast, had a sandwitch and then started feeling just casually.. not good. I've been like this the last couple of days after breakfast. I wonder if it's cuz I've been ill, or just that I've turned into one of those people who just can't eat in the morning? And throughout the ~20 minutes long brakfast gathering I think my mum mentioned that I seemed off and asked if I'm ok like 3 times or something. And then.. I'm here, just sitting here, very extremely having this can't-be-bothered-with-anything feeling.
I need to take a shower, but meh. I've got no one to talk to on msn but there's people on the xbox, but meh I can't be bothered to go there. Oh and I need to get the charger for my mobile phone cuz the battery's dead... Meh, have to go downstairs to get it.
That's pretty much what's going on in my head right now. Loads and loads of "meh"s But I think my best option is to go take a shower to like.. wake up, you know. But MEH. Goddamnit I hate this day already. It's gonna be slow,boring, pointless and I'll most defeneatly be feeling kinda shitty all day. Great. Sorry about all the damn whining. I'll just shush now.

Oh and btw, I just listened to the brittish eurovision winner and while I was listening to it I was like "geez this is so damn musical-ish." and then later on I read that Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote it. My favourite musical composer. Go me, I can (kind of) recognize his songs without even knowng it's his. Lol. The song was pretty bad though I must say. But that's another point.

After watching way too many episodes of Sex and the City I can't help but wonder; what's actually the worst way for a relationship to end? Is getting dumped always as bad as dumping? Is agreeing on not seeing each others anymore cuz of some kind of issues when you still actually love each others a good thing to do? Do people generally think too much, or too little before ending it?
I guess the answer is different in every case. But then how come the pity one is always the dumped, how come people find it great when both parts agree on breaking up and how come people whine at you for breaking up to easily, or thinking too much?When it comes to the guys I've been out with it's the breakups have generally been shit. 80% of them was the one breaking up without giving a shit, or didn't give a shit when i broke up. I broke Knecken's heart and telling Darling it was over was among the worst things I've ever done. With other words; In every case exept one I've always been the one caring the most. Is that just because I'm a "feeler", or is it just generally because I'm the girl? Is it some kind of tradition that the girl's the one feeling shit about it? I'm actually starting to believe that's true. Maybe this world actually do have a lack of men with emotions. In my case though, at the moment, I seem to be attached to two of them.
Victor, obviously. Yes, he can be a bit too sensitive sometimes. A bit too.. much? No, that gives a negative tune to it. It's not negative. But compared with the typical guy, or just simply most guys, he's got alot of emotions. For all good.
The other person is, i guess quite obviously as well, Cheggs. Somehow he seems to get everything he says to sound so sweet, and geez he's sensitive. He's that kind of ego-sensitive person. I can't talk about sex with Babe, he can talk about sex with Karro. Get what I mean? But yet he's just... hurt, easily. Falls apart as soon as he hears I'm with Victor. I seriously just tell him I'm with a friend sometimes when he asks so I won't hurt him. (and I said I never lie unless I really have to..)

However. So.. Do sensitive persons attract other sensitive persons? Do the tough ones attract the other touch ones? Or is this just all about some kind of image?
Yes, it made me think quite alot and no, thinking doesn't make me any wiser. I somehow think this whole dating and going out thing is pretty much about some kind of image. Breakups have somehow turned into something natural, going out with someone for a month or maybe just a week or two and then dump the person in cold blod and move on to another is somehow accepted.
Call me oldfashioned, but geez that's just... horrible.
Or do I actually have the right to say that? About the last year I havn't been single for more then a month. So then what's that all about? is it just simply natural, moving on from person to person to try and find something proper?
When you have the chance, is it just natural to take it?

The title is just a quote from what I said just a minute ago, discussing brittish TV.. Cuz britths TV is, I must say, generally shit, but the brittish things we get in sweden are usually well good and so people think brittish TV is generally great.

Sorry about not writing like.. at all yesterday. I really didn't have anything to say.
Ths disease thingy doens't seem to get worse. With other worse I've been just... Quite bad for a couple of days now. At some times I feel shit, especually after I had breakfust, but at some times all I can feel is a tiny pain in  my throat. So meh, idunno, maybe it ain't gonna get worse then this. Which, I must say, is kinda weird. Or.. I don't have it. But that's all like wtf? But meh. I don't think this is very interesting to listen to so I'll stop rambling about it.

I was gonna go see Victor's show thingy today but well I'm not feeling great at the moment and my parents wanted to go see a guy they know so well... I'm not going. I'm a bit sad face over that, but yet it feels right somehow. As I said, I'm not feeling great. And after all I'm not getting worse so I'm porbably going to school as usual on monday sooo that means I'll see him tomorrow. Happy face.

Right so... Cheggs dyed his hair black and it looks well good. My sister's new boyfriend, who both I and my brother hates, is probably coming here later. Aaaaaand well the last swedish eurovision is today. Finale thingy, so yer I'm gonna watch it. Gosh I've got no life lol. And right now I'm with Cheggs and Steven on skype.

Anywayyys, I havn't got anything to say... Talk to you later.     xx

I've actually been feeling pretty shitty today... Or well, at some parts I've been ok, but generally I've just been feeling casually ill. Victor's got a show tomorrow and I really wanna see it but my mum said she don't think I should go. And well... Idunno? I mean I rly wanna go, but.. Meh, we'll see.
Nothing have happened today really, I got home from school, found some dog poo on my floor (nearly made me throw up to be honest), played some xbox and now I'm here, feeling kinda.. tired and just.. bad. Talking to Dougle, doing nothing interesting really. I'll probably end up spending most of the night in front of the TV, hoping to feel better, overdosing throat lozenges. I'm nearly out of them btw. Damnit.
Meh, I don't have a shit to day. Let's go down to the TV. ttyl.

Today have been just so.. weird.
To start with, I'm not feeling worse really. Just alot more tired. I went to the health centre in town today and well.. That didn't really help alot. I don't have tonsillitis, which is good I guess cuz that means I don't need any treatment. But they never told me if I've got mononukleos (kissing disease thingy) or not, they just redirected me to another health centre, cuz that one wasn't the one I "belong to". Like wtf? Sooo well yer... As I said, I havn't really gotten very much worse but it wouldn't be weird if I've got it and I still have the symptoms. And idunno as I said earlier I somehow wish I get ill like on real. Or that I get good again, soon. Cuz I really hate being at the state I am right now, not bad enough to be home and in bed all day but not good enough to be able to do school and stuff properly. Blergh. I think I might be feeling ok cuz I'm overdosing various painkillers though. I realized I've literally overdosed those painkillers.. I'm allowed to take 3 every day, I think i've taken about 6 today.. But at least I havn't been in too much pain. That and also I've been overdosing throat lozenges as well. But meh. Rambling, you know.

Victor was sopposed to be at his dads today but first he followed me to the health centre and followed me home and stayed here for like 2 hours or something. But then he had to leave and it was just horrible for some reason.. I was feeling kinda bad and meh, idunno. However, as soon as he left both of us were feeling like crap. And when he got home to his dads he didn't seem to get alot happier, finding his dad drunk. And in the end he came back here and stayed for about 3 more hours. And it was great. Gosh how I love being with him. And gosh how I hate being without him. if I get seriously ill it'll be horrible, I don't wanna be without him for.. whatever time it'll take. And i hate the fact that it's friday tomorrow. Fridays are equal only 2½ hours together during all day and then I'm going home over the weekend.

Gosh my throat hurts so bad right now. I can't even swallow without a huge amout of pain and my mouth tastes like shit. I've got one lesson in the morning and then this long break tomorrow as usual, and i think I'll stay home that first lesson cuz I really need to sleep to be able to live through the day.

Anyways I should be off to bed now. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I stop feeling this goddamn sore throat and the sooner I'll be with Victor again.

The alarm om ny phone have literally stopped working. Just like that. Wtf? My daily 22-alarm doesn't go off anymore so now I have to remember to take my pill myself and well, more importantly, my morning alarms doesn't go off. So I overslept, again. Only 20 minutes though cuz then Crow's alarm went off. But still, I arrived at school in time but I didn't get time to put on any make up or stuff like that. And it's the second time this weeks I oversleep cuz of that goddamn alarm! I gotta tell Crow to set his alarm on 7 tomorrow and then get something else to use from now on.. I just don't get why it just randomly stoped working? it's well weird.

I talked properly to Darling for the first time in quite a while yesterday. Idunno if I ever said anything about that but his laptop broke and we kinda hadn't talked at all (apart from one time over xbox live for about 5 minutes) for.. whatever time it was. Two-three weeks I think. But now it's back and running and we talked quite alot yesterday. And I realized that, this is probably true for both of us, we can make it without each others without any bigger problems but once we actually talk it makes both of us all happy face. So, it's not like we miss each others like hell as soon as we don't talk but it's well good once we do. Kinda weird, I must say? I mean I love Andy, so damn much, and I used to go all nuts as soon as I didn't talk to him for a couple of hours so this is kinda weird somehow. But kinda good I guess. Missing every good friend I've got as soon as I don't talk to them for a day would be really bad in my case.
Something Darling told me yesterday surpirsed me a bit. Or not what he said, but my reaction. He told me this girl, Emma I think her name was, at his school fancies him and wants them to go out and he's all like idunno.. Cuz they're like friends but not friend-friends. You know? And well this might sound weird but I thought that the fact that Darling would concider going out with someone would hurt me somehow. Idunno why, it's not like I'm not over him, it's just that like I've been the girl for him, even if only as a friend, for quite a while and.. you know. I mean I still hate it when I hear John talking about all these girls who he's got something going with. But however, I didn't. I didn't react at all actually. And that feels really good.
Another thing about Darling.. Or well part about him. You know I told you that Darling told me he've blocked Cheggs and he's all fed up with him and stuff. Well I realized how.. bad that is. I mean they're like my two best friends and they don't talk to each others. Or well, one of them doesn't talk to the other. That can't be good really.. But yet it's idna good cuz I can talk to Darling about Cheggs and still be sure he doesn't tell Cheggs what I said. Cuz to be honest I've got some difficulties saying things to Darling cuz he've told others before. Like, you know, when I was going out with John I couldn't say anything to any of them without the other findng out unless I really clearly told them "don't tell anyone". But yer. Blabla. I'm rambling.

However I'm feeling ok at the moment. My throat's sore (but hey, it always is) but I'm not feeling very much worse then yesterday. I can feel my bad breath coming though. Lol, poor Victor. But well yer. If I don't have that stupid kissing disease at least I've got tonsillitis, and that's for sure. I can see it in my throat and it's yuck I can asure you! But to be honest, if I have to be ill I wanna be properly ill. Cuz the way I am right now I'm not ill enough to stay home from school but ill enough to be too tired and feeling too bad to be able to concentrate properly. But meh. Idunno. Goddamn disease.

After overdosing painkillers this morning I actually felt pretty good for the rest of the day. My throat's been feeling really bad every now and then and well it've been a bit sore constantly and I've been tired and hot but that's kind of it.. Hopefully this means I havn't got that goddamn kissing disease. Or it's just like I think it is, that it just like havn't spread co pletely yet. I remember Victor told me he was feeling a bit bad for 2-3 days before he actually realized what it was. So I soppose I'm at that stage.. Damnit. I don't wanna have to be home. Sure, it'll be.. great to be home for a while really. To get time to rest and just.. be lol. But I hate missing school and I hate being away from Victor. And i've got a concert with the school choir on wednesday as well. Blargh.
Well right now I'm just reeeeeally tired and watching some crappy comedy thingy.. Which isn't very fun really..
Anyways, I'll be home tomorrow cuz Victor's going to his dads. And I've got some things to ask Cheggs about. He told me yesterday that he never actually got beaten up, but last night after he left Adam told me he did. Wait... What? So well I gotta ask him wtf that was all about.
Anyways, tired *yawns* I'm off to bed now. havn't got anything to say anyways, do I? lol.
Night night     xx

I ended up not going to my singing lesson cu my throat hurts so damn bad.. So I'm still at home and I'll leave in about 50 minutes. And well I'm really feeling shit, I think I should actually stay at home but I won't cuz I don't wanna miss too much in school. I'm starting to wonder if I've got that goddamn kissing disease from Victor. I mean my mom looked it up and said it could take up to 5 weeks or something before you actually got it and I think it's 4 or 5 weeks since he had it. And well yer, the symptoms kind of agree with me. Fucking shit.. I don't wanna get ill. That'd mean I'll miss too much of school and also in that case it would be best if I went back home to the house and didn't stay at the flat so well, then I'd have to survive without Victor until I'm good enough to go back to school. Let's just say "shit..." But oh well, hopefully I'm wrong... This would explain why I've been feeling so bad lately though. But my throat hurts like hell, I've got a horrible headache and I've been really tired and like not able to do as much as usual lately. But as I said, hopefully I'm wrong...
Ouch, my head hurts. I'm going back to snoozing for a little while before I go to school. Hopefully I'll survive the day, and being with Victor after school as well. Omg sad face extreme if I doesn't..
Talk to you later, or tomorrow. Depends on when I'll be back home.

Omg how I hate it when electronics doesn't work.. My msn just randomly stoped working, it started freezing as soon I signed in and I did absolutely everything I could think of. I even asked Steven who's all like über on computers and he had no idea. And omg it made me so damn frustrated. But eventually I  downloaded this Mercury messenger thingy and it works for now. It's damn weird and I can't figure out how to use webcam on it. But however, I asked in a forum what's the problem and a guy answered that the same thing happened to him and it disappeared after a week. But meh, idunno. I just so can't be bothered with it anymore. It just made me annoyed.

Victor ringed me earlier and i was all pissed at the computer back then.. And I feel a bit bad for that now. Really bad actually. Cuz I didn't actually listen to what he was saying, I was just like.. pissed, lol. And now I reeeeally miss him. And I won't see him properly till 11 tomorrow :( But then I'll be with him aaaaaaall day :D

However, I spend this afternoon first playing some Halo 3, then just sitting here for way too many hours.. witha  short break when I made dinner while listening to Victor. And right now I'm talking to Adam. We've been talking alot lately. Probably cuz we're both usually up quite late and then the other one is like the only interesting person online and we end up talking. Or probably not, we've just simply started to talking more lately. And actually, lately I'm starting to wonder if adam might not like me a bit. But idunno. It's just me going all OHNOEZ! cuz he's like the only guy ever who turned me down lol. Not that I've seriously asked him out or something, but he's all "noooooo I don't wanna be near you" and stuff but yet he likes talking to me and always wants to go on cam as well, and starts whining when I dont want to. But meh.

My throat hurts well bad so I'm thinking about not going to my singing lesson tomorrow.. But I really want to, cuz I mean.. it's my singing lesson! And my teacher will be away the next two weeks as well. Meh, we'll see how my throat feels tomorrow. And now I'm off to bed, even id it makes Adam whine lol :D

Night night people xx

Today have been just casually shit. or well, not really, but yet is has. I've beenf eeling horrible. I just keepgetting (physically) worse every day. Today I've got all dizzy, felt ill and had these horrible headache attack thingys all day. And at some points I've started freezing like hell. Idunno what the heck's wrong? I mean sure, I had a theory that it's not really about me being psysically ill but mentalybut I'm not sure anymore. I guess it's got part to do with that. Maybe feeling bad makes your body work less? Am I the only one who's experiencing that, or is it usual? or am I just imaginating? Cuz I mean if I'm right, if mental illness can actually give physical illness well then i must say that damn, that's cool, haha. Dunno why I just said that but it just seams kinda cool. Arn't our minds and bodies just the most awesome creations?
Meh, idunno, I'm rambling like usual.
I couldn't be with Victor today cuz he had this meeting at 4 and then radio at 7. I usually join him to the radio but I couldn't be bothered with the meeting thingy so I just went home.. And well I was after all feeling shit as well. But right now I just miss him like hell, waiting for his radio programe to start. Equal I'll hear his voice but not be with him :'( bah. I want it to be tomorrow soon.
Oh and well yer, Cheggs didn't get beaten up today either. He said Yasmin was just talking shit about me during class and then he said something about her saying she'd re-arrange my face if she ever see me. Great, really makes me feel comfortable about going down, doesn't it? Thinking of that she didn't do anything to Cheggs I don't feel very thretened though. But still. I'm gonna talk to him when he comes on msn, I was gonna tell him yesterday that ffs just sue them. Cuz I mean that's alot of serious thretens. But then he had to leave so I will today instead. I just so don't get what that goddamn girl has against me and.. Argh..
And great, my brother's been eating first crisps and now he's got this huge package of ice cream he's eating of and he ain't giving me any. I've been all like "omg I want sweeeeets!!!" all day but I told myself to stop buying so damn lots of unhealthy thingys cuz that's what I use like all my money for right now. And that's baaaad. But meh, I'll... make myself dinner in a while. At least that's something edible, should help a little.

Anyways, time to make dinner.

I am so damn fed up with those bitches now. Yasmin, and this girl called Abbie who randomly added me and started tracking me down yesterday. The thing that pisses me off the most it the fact that Abbie literally told me she's only doing this to stay occupied, to have something to do. And the worst thing is that it's most probably true. However, what they keep telling me is that it's my foult Cheggs is gonna get beat up, cuz I'm "bitching" to them. So, I simply came down to the conclusion that I'll stop "arguing back and just simply ignore them. Which leads to that Abbie keeps sending "arrrghhh" and "dogbreath" to me, somehow thinking it'll upset me. However, I know that stop talking to them ain't gonna make them change their mind, but at least then they won't have any goddamn reason to blame me, and when they blame me I've got a completely solid way of owning them cuz they're wrong.
I really can't be bothered to think of this any more then I have to and I don't rly wanna talk to much about it but however I fell apart cuz of all of this yesterday, started crying and shit... it was horrible. I'm not even sure if anything's gonna happen or not but goddamnit I'm still worrying like hell. If I wouldn't have lived in another country then them I would, no doubt about it, have sued them for thretening us already. I'm actually concidering doing that cuz what they do is serious thretening and I mean that's goddamn illegal.
And yes, I've started to use the word goddamn way too much.
So well apart from that, I spend last night and all day today with Victor. Heaven. I miss him... And oh my freakin god I just realized it's 11:30. I told myself to go to bed at like 10:30. I better try to get some sleep now.

Love

I'm seriously starting to wonder if I actually do look quite alot older then I am. I really don't think I do, but people seem to keep mistake me for being like 20+
I just got back to the flat and I'm just sitting here waiting for Victor now. And well something quite.. Idunno if I could call it interesting or whatever happened on the bus on the way here today. For once it wasn't just sitting there, listening to music and glaring out the window.
This cute guy asked if he could sit down next to me and well after a couple of minutes he started talking to me. He asked me what I was listening to and so we ended up talking about music for about half an hour. He looked pretty much like anyone but it appeared he used to be a goth and blabla he told me quite alot of random stuff about himself in between the music talk. He told me he worked at the only electronic store in the town I live in, that he's a playstation guy, he got surprised when I said I'm a FPS and not RPG girl and it appeared we've been on the same Nightwish concert like 4 years ago and the same Within Temptation concert 2 years ago. it was kinna kwl. A bit weird, but kwl. He was really nice. But it was so damn obvious how he thought I'm older then I am. When I said I'm not working he seemed to go all wtf and stuff. And well he fact that he was talking to me at all, thinking of that I believe he was about 21-22. It wasn't like he was flirting really, just like ordinary talking to a random person. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have talked to me unless he found me interesting though. But anyways... I can't really help but to get a bit happy cuz of that. The fact that he just randomly started talking to me. Cuz that obviously means he found something interesting/attractive about my looks. And I usually get guys through my personality, not looks lol.
I kind of regret not asking for his msn or number or something. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing like that, I just think he was a really nice guy and I mean wtf I might not see him again. I hope I will though. Maybe he'll take the same bus as me next sunday as well. And well I guess in the worst case I just have to go to Netonnet (the store) and find him lol. That would probably give the wrong signals though, wouldn't it?
When he was about to get off the bus he said something about that meh, you'll probably forget me tomorrow and my answer to that was that I most probably won't. His reaction to that was like "what did you just say...?". I think he got that wrong? And well yeah, that did come out wrong. I wonder if he thinks I'm all interested in him now? However. Believe whatever you want, but I wanna see him again. And these kind of things never really happen to me. It's very rare that random people just start talking to me and well I really like it when they do. It happened last summer as well, these two random goth people who were here over the day for some random reason started talking to me and we sat there talking till our busses came and we had o say bye and i was just randomly nice talking to them, you know? I wish people would dare to do that more often. And that I would actually dare asking for their msn when it happens, haha. And seriously, it must have something do to with my cyberlox. I had them when that happened last summer and I have them now. Lol.

Whatever. Hopefully my ways will cross that random guy I don't even know the name of again sometime.
Why ain't Victor here yet?

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

Skype is a great invention. Ever since Cheggs made me get it I've been having convos with one of my friends who have it (Cheggs, Adam, Faz, Steven and Ed) nearly constantly. Or well as soon as any of them are online. And it's so much easier then writing on msn.

Anyways... I've been up for about 1½ hours and it've been kinda.. slow. I talked to Cheggs all that time aaaand now I'm talking to Victor on msn. I think I'll go on the xbox and play the demos I downloaded yesterday. Or try to play Warmness on the Soul on my keyboard. I just looked the chords up.
I havn't got anything to say really so Idunno wtf I even started writing for, lol. I just felt like it was time to update lol.
I'm going to the flat at the same time as usual even though there's no school tomorrow, I'm just gonna spend tonight and all day tomorrow with Victor. Heaven.

Meh, just face it, I've got nothing to say. Let's just all watch the WTF blanket!

I took some photos earlier, and here's the only one I've edited this far.
I'm off to bed now. Night niiiight     xx

If you have a problem, something that needs to be fixed. Several options, very uncertain which is the best one. Keep changing your mind. Can't decide either you should concider facts, emotions or logical sence. What's the obvious thing to do? Do you spend all your time trying to come up with the right choice? Do you simply do whatever feels right at the moment and risk making the wrong desicion? Or do you simply do... Nothing?

I've been talking alot to Faz all night, about everything and nothing, and he tought me something good.     - If you can't fix something yourself, just wait for the problem to solve itself. Because eventually it does. At least most of the times. And that's what I'll do. At least I'll try to. It might not work, I might just keep feeling as horrible as I do right now... But I'll give it a try. And it turns out to be a ad choice... Well then I'll just simply have to live with the fact that I made a wrong desicion and learn from my mistakes. Cuz isn't that what mistakes are for? Learning.
This isn't about what you might think though. Or well, not that I have any idea what you think it might be but anyways. It's got nothing to do with Victor, however. I've never mentioned anything about this and I ain't going to either. Some things I just prefer to keep for myself, you know? Some things are just simply.. private. Not as in secret, just as in private.

Idunno, I'm rambling.

• Victor (Visitor)
• 2009-03-06 @ 21:42:57

As I've said before, If you want to go, go. I'm not going to stop you. I dont want to be controlling. But it's true, I do have a problem with you going to england, staying with Cheggs, even being around him. But it's not my call to make. It's yours. And I don't want you to be sad this summer becouse you stayed here with me. Do what you feel like. But I can't promise anything.

I just randomly noticed that I've got some comments from Victor yesterday, and this one was among those.And I can't help the fact that it's making me feel bad. What to you think, really? No matter how much you say it's up to me you ain't giving me a choice. Be careful what you tell me, because you know I can't say no to you.

I might've overreacted a bit earlier.. Saying I was feeling worse then I ever have before. That wasn't true. But I was feeling shit, and I was very into the emotion at the monent.
Goddamnit I didn't know people like that Yasmin even existed. She's the kind I've only seen in films. Like that blonde girl in mean girls. The most überly über bitch you can imagine. I've seriously never met anyone like that before. And thank god for that. And I don't mind never seeing one again.
However, both I and Cheggs were feeling crap there for a while but it passed pretty quickly. Within 20 minutes after that post I was kinda calmed down. I went to play some Halo 3 with Faz but then he had to leave and I played a couple of games with Babe instead. He was all hyper and that got me into a better mood. I get effected by people around me really easily. It's like.. I can't be among loads of people being social and happy without being the same myself. Or well I can, but it's rare. I kinda like that. At least from that side, when it's the opposite I hate it. Like.. I think this about me feeling bad about Yasmin was at least 50% about me feelign bad cuz Cheggs was. In those cases I just hate it. Blergh.
Well apart from that I've been talking to Faz all night today as well and overdosed Bloons Tower Defence. Addictive game, I asure you. And right now I'm just kinda waiting for the eurovision song contest to start. Yes, I actually watch that. I'm such a freak :) I would never watch it on my own though, it's something I do to be able to comment everything and everyone with my mom. Actually I rarely watch TV or films alone at all. I find it... depressing somehow. If I'm watching a film I wanna do it with someone. And TV without having someone to talk to at the same time just bores me.

Oh and yer, well I was up all night fixing my hair. I'll give you a photo later. Not cu of the hair but cuz I feel like taking some photos. Or more like cuz I feel like having something to edit.
I'm going to the flat tomorrow even if I havn't got any school on monday. I'll spend all monday with Victor instead, happy face. Can't wait. I miss him so damn much.
Ah well, 10 minutes left to eurovision now. I'll talk more laterrr.

I had the longest, most horrible conversation with Yasmin yesterday. Remember Yasmin? I told you about her. Cheggs' "ex" who's been a douche to me. Or not to me, but she's said bad things about me to Cheggs. However, I finally actually talked to her yesterday. And gosh, she's the biggest bitch I've ever met. I didn't even know that kind of bitchy people existed. I so can't be bothered to go through everything she said but well.. I was trying to be nice, not trying to insult her or whatever but she was just being a bitch back.

Omg I just had a long convo with Yasmin, I talked a bit to Cheggs and.. I so can't go through what just happened again. And I'm not very sure what happene dreally. But I'm crying, feeling literally more shitty then I think I've ever done before and the last I saw of Cheggs was him screaming and then he signed off msn.

I can't be bothered with this anymore.. It's just shit and goddamnit I don't have anything to do with it. It's Cheggs foult, Cheggs' and that damn bitch. Goddamnit I give up. There's no point. I can't do anything about it.
I'll go die now.

So... I've got dye in my hair, later I'll cut my hair a little and let's just say.. Victor will hate this in the end. But I'm sorry, I can't be bothered to care. I need a change. And my hair looks shit at the moment, but I don't wanna cut it. I'll probably post a pic when I'm done.
However..  I've been talking to Madfaz ever since I got home. Cheggs isn't on, I think he told me where he was going but I can't remember. And I reeeeeeally wanna talk to Babe but he's not on :( I was thinking alot on the bus on my way home and I realized he's the one I should talk to about this. I might tell you what it's all about once I've actually talked to him, might like copy a part of the convo or whatever. Idunno. I'm just rambling. My head is still all mushy and I can't think completely straight.

Omg I miss Babe and I really need him right now. Why isn't he onliiiine? *whines*
I miss Victor like hell, 2 days without him is too damn long.
Hmm, I wonder if that's the sound of my mom making fruitsallad I can hear?
Oh geez there's dye running down my forehead.
I feel like photographinnnnng...
Oh yer, this is just me saying all the random things I'm thinking.
Oh and yer, I just managed to make Madfaz's girlfriend jealous o__o''
We're having the most random convo. And his computer just started smoking O.o

I'll shush now.

I just realized that my hair really literally look like shit. Both the color and the haircut. I've gotta dye it and cut it this weekend, myez.. Maybe I'll get bangs again? I kinda miss that. The only thing is that I know in the end I'l regret doing it when I want it long again lol. meh, idunno. I just need some kind of change. I'm fed up with myself, I hate seeing myself in the mirror.
Blargh. idunno why I wrote this.
I'm gonna shut the laptop off now. This internet is soooooooooo daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow...

I've been fighting with my laptop and the internet for like 20 minutes, but finally I got it up and working! The weird thing is though... I have no idea what I did to make it work, haha. But meh, at least it's working now. And ho goddamnit I just realied how hungry I am... I always have too little for breakfast end end up getting hungry like an hour before lunch. And having nothing proper to think about doesn't really make me less hungry. Blargh.

I just had music theory. Or well, it ended ove ran hour ago, but whatever, it's still the last lesson I had. I'm actually starting to like it... I wonder if there's any chance I can change so I won't have music technology and get music theory B and arrangemend and composing A instead? Cuz I'm kinda starting to change my mind.. I'll ask my theory teacher onnnn... tuesday, when I have her next time.
And oh yer, we got the money, the subsidy. No need to worry about having to move back home. But that's all kind of weird I must say. It said you had to apply for it latest on january 31st, but when we did a month later there was no porblem what so ever? Meh. That's good, I guess. Just seems a bit weird to have a deadline date if it doesn't rly matter if you pass it.
(OMG HUNGRYYYYYYYY)
Ahem.. Yer.. I'm in a pretty good mood today. Dunno why. Nothing happened really.. But hey, wtf, I don't mind it.
I had a quite long talk with Babe yesterday about loads of thingys, several things I ain't gonna say here cuz it's too private. And lately he seems to be the new Darling, lol. What I mean with that is that he always listens, always helps and most of the things he says actually make some difference.

I told you that I was sopposed to go to Victor's yesterday, but I ended up staying at home instead. And since I was home that was somehow equal that I was talking to Cheggs instead of Victor, and according to Babe Cheggs had been like.. bragging about that. Thinking I had chosen him over Victor. That made me a bit wtf, and kind of annoyed... Just a random comment.
One thing I was talking to babe about was this whole thingy about going to england or not. Cuz I mean I reeeeally wanna go, cuz I really wanna see Babe, Nathan, Adam and well Cheggs as well. And Babe said to me that why don't you just explain to Cheggs that you're coming down but just as a friend? And I agree with him. It should be that easy. But the thing is it isn't... Cuz 1: Cheggs would look at it as if I was coming down to see him, to be with him. And i don't think it'd be too easy to make him believe that's not why. And 2nd: Unless some kind of miracle happens and Victor all of a sudden start trusting me to a 100% there still might be a risk that me going will ruine our relationship cuz he'll always wonder if anything happened or not. But I'm all like meh, idunno... I'll clear this up, I'll fix it somehow. Just not too sure how yet.
Omg I can't think anymore I'm so damn hungry lol. about 40-45 minutes left till Victor's lesson is over. Meh, I'll survive. Now let's watch some Sex and the City.

I just had the weirdest evening ever. I've been feeling generally crap all afternoon/evening and I managed to change my mind about going to Victor's or not. I ended up not doing it, but he came over here for a while instead. And he could've stayed for like 2 hours or something.. but I made him leave after less then 1 cuz I was feeling bad. Cuz I was just tired and felt rly unsocial. It was kind of obvious how he didn't like the fact that I asked him to leave.. And just like 30 minutes after he left I was laying in bed feeling crap cuz I asked him to leave. or well, cuz I wasn't with him and it was my foult. And I still am. How could I be so stupid? Sure, I wasn't feeling well.. But would being without him cure that in any way? Obviously not. Gosh I'm so stupid. And goddamnit I miss him.
After he left though, after I had a short sleep I had quite a good time. I just recently downloaded skype so now I'm constantly having convos there with Cheggs, Adam, Steven and Ed. Gave me the chance to think of something else for about an hour. And now.. I'm here. Lol. Overdosing Within Temptation, missing Victor and feeling casually guilty and damn stupid. I won't see him for much more then about 2 hours tomorrow and then I won't see him again till sunday afternoon. Sad face.

I thought of this that.. Well, Victor annoys me rly easily. and I just casually have the most huge moodswings existing. I get random sadness/annoyance attacks like 5-6 times/day, they get trigged from the tiniest things and last for like 5-10 minutes and then they're gone as fast. And I've been feeling physicaly bad as well. And I'm pretty sure I know why... And I'm pretty sure I know what to do about it. And I'm gonna do that. Although it ain't gonna be easy, I still have to do it. Both for the sake of me and the sake of Victor. I won't say what it is, I won't say what I'll do. I'll just let you know know that I'm trying. Oh goddamnit I'm trying. But this is something about my weekes spot, what I hate the most, what I find the hardest to do. Especually to do it and actually keep to it. But just give me some time and trust me, dear, I'll do everything I can to make this go back to the perfection it used to be.

However... I'm still not feeling well. I'm feeling crap, actually. And I've still got things to say but not really the brain to get it down to words. So this'll be it for today. I think I'll go to bed and watch the ending of V for Vendetta now. Night night people, talk to you on the break tomorrow lol           xx

Every once in a while I realize how damn fast time passes by. Today was one of those times, and this time must've been the most extreme one this far. I can't believe it's over 6 months since collage started. And the fact that there's only 3½ months left till the summer holidays.. It makes me all omgwtf??? And if time passes by now.. By the time I'm 40, will ten years pass by as fast as one year do now? Meh, I shouldn't think about this. And my head is all deaded. And I'm damn hungry, lol. I think I'll get something to eat and then have a nap. And then I'm probably going to Victor's later anyways. I changed my mind when i realized how much I miss him. He isn't answering my text thouuuuuugh.

I've got some things to say but I can't come up with any proper words at the moment. To tired zzzzzz...
I'll have my nap now. Ttyl.    xx

Photography class... It's getting a bit too usual that I'm here writing during these lessons, isn't it? But however, I ain't got nothing to do. I've gotta draw a couple of images for monday and then I'll be able to take those goddamn photos. And hopefully they'll end up looking goooooood. No guarantee though lol.

I spent the night at Victor's. Happy face. But I'll have to urvive without him today. And til sunday. Sad face. Unless I feel like I can be bothered to go to him at about 7.30 tonight and be there for like 2 hours and then go back home again. I might do that. If I can be bothered to. (I know myself, I probably ain't gonna do that.)
I helped Victor with his maths for like 15 minutes yesterday and he want all happy face and told me that I had tought him faster and, I guess, explaind alot better then anyone else had done. He said he didn't know like anything from the chapter we went through but it appeared he didn't have troublr understanding about half of it. That's well gd. And well, I feel pretty proud of myself as well.
Meh, random rambling.
Oh, yer, I just earned some money. Happy face. Not much, but at least about £20. It's still money lol. I used to make quite alot of synthetic dreads and I got an order to make some as well. It's been like half a year since I did it last time so it's gonna be more work then I'm used to but anyways. I've been all like "omg I wanna make dreeeeeeads..." for quite a while now, cuz I miss doing it, and now I've got an order, Happy face.

So.. thursday, equal friday tomorrow.. Equal this week have been damn fast. Just like every other week. No school on monday, happy face. Spending all day in bed with Victor instead. Happy face.

Meh, ok, I havn't got a shit to say. I'll just stop writing now.

I've realized how I usually have something to say after having singing lessons. And then I started thinking why is that? And I realized the answer is simple. Those singing lessons are the most important lesson's I've got. Not when it comes to the sake of my grades, but when it comes to who I am and what I want. And so, everything that happens on those lessons effects me alot more then most other does.
However. Pia, my teacher, asked me today "so what are your plans?" and I told her. I told her how I wanna move to england and study music on the university there. I told her my main dream is to become a musical artist but if that doesn't work I wanan become a singing teacher or music teacher on higher levels (such as collage or university). And when I said I wanna become a musical artist she said some things that cleared quite alot for me. She said that if I wanna become a musical artist I'll have to work on my expression. I've got the voice, and I've got no problem expressing myself with my voice - but when it comes to my face, the way I act, my outside in general I need to relax more. Ever since my first lesson she always told me she can see the theatrical tendancies I've got, she's seen that I've got so much personality and I just need to release that when I sing as well. I don't have any problem being theatrical when it comes to speech, or theatre itself. But when it comes to singing I feel like I have to focus more on the singing itself and so I forget such things.
I said to her that the times I'm at home, alone in my room, have the space to move and the courage to sing, that's the time it's the best. Then I can play as if I was on stage, doing it.. I wouldn't say perfectly, but really good. Then I can release all those feelings both in my voice and in my acting. "Then bring that with you here" she said. And she's right. I just need to relax a bit more. It's just her, she knows my voice, she knows my strengths and she knows my weeknesses.. But now let's remove a weekness from the list. Let's act. Let's do something about the thing I've heard the most that I gotta do something about. The think I would most of all want to do properly.Inthe end of nearly every lesson she tells me how fun it is working with me and how much she loves my voice. And I've managed to give her goosebum like 5 times! So.. well.. yer.. it's time for me to start working with that acting now. Not only in my voice but physically as well. Gosh how I would love it if I managed to do that, to hear her comment on me doing that well. So now let's do it. I'll make it :)
A bit sad face though, she's havinga surgery in 2 weeks and will be gone for at least 2 weeks. If I'm unlucky I won't have any lessons those two weeks.. But oh well. We'll see.

I'll be with Victor after school today and I'm probably not gonna be home till like 11 and I thought I'd try to go to sleep at once so I won't get cought up with something at the laptop and then end up being up till 1 instead. So this might be all you'll hear from me today.       xx

When I was on my way home from Victor's I started thinking about how familliar that route is for me now. Walking across the railway, turn by the factory, walk down the road with an infitinte numer of houses on it... Across the road, Walk in between the flats and then I'm home. I started thinking of how fast if feels, walking that way now. I leave Victor's and then in a minute I'm home. It's like I do it automatically. And I started thinking of the fact that the first time you go somewhere it feels alot longer then it does when you've done it a couple of times. And I thought that meh, that's just a really silly thought. Very... Pointless. But then I noticed Victor had texted me, about 5 minutes after I actually recieved it. And once I had answered his text I felt how all of a sudden felt so.. heavy. I couldn't straigten my back, it was as if everything all of a sudden I lost all of my power. When I started thinking again, when I stoped just walking automatically and remembered that omg.. Just a couple of minutes ago I was in his arms, happy as could be. But I had to go, and now what does matter really? I thought I'd just go home and go to bed instantly so I didn't get the time to sleep. But I changed my mind and decided I needed to let my thoughts out for a while. And so I ended up here, as usual.

Today was weird. Or maybe it wasn't? maybe it was just like very other day, just that I, for once, was thinking in a positive way? But however, everything seemed.. Great somehow. No negative energy what so ever. When I woke up I didn't feel bad at all, my first thought was YAY, I'll see Victor in an hour! and well.. the entire morning went on just great. I didn't think what I usually do and so things weren't bad. I even had the time to snooze for 15 minutes and I didn't even find it hard to go up the second time! Then we had P.E which I usually hate, but I didn't really mind it. Not even the music theory! I actually don't mind music theory anymore, cuz I'm finally starting to understand it. More or less all of it! And so I feel all proud and likes it more, equal.. Don't mind it.
So, well.. Idunno, this might just sound like any day but I usually thinks really negative about most things and most of my days end up being generally negative. And now I'm starting to wonder... Is it just simply because I don't try to think in a positive way? I should try doing that more often.

Something hit me today.. Not literally, of course, but you know what I mean. I reeeeally need to be more careful about getting annoyed with Victor and stuff. He said this something.. I was clicking the buttons on the xbox controler, mostlycuz I was restless but well i didn't stop when he asked me to, and then he said that if he would've done that I would've been seriously pissed. Then later today I got a bit annoyed with him cuz he interruped me when I was saying something, and also he interrupted me to whine about something completely pointless and well.. yer.. it annoyed me. And then i didn't wanna keep saying what I was saying and Victor got a bit upset and started going on about him thinking he doesn't always treat me right. And.. Gosh that made me feel guilty. I keep realizing how damn bad I treat him, and then he thinks he treat me bad? I really gotta start thinking before I act. I'm feeling so horribly guilty, actually horribly bad as soon as I think of how unfairly I treat him. He's the best that's ever happened to me, the light of my life, the one I love... And I still don't treat him the best I could. I'm an idiot. He's an angel. He's a diamond, I'm a rock. I so gotta change that.. And I gotta stop getting annoyed by that kind of tiny things. Even though I guess I've got reason to be, I still have to stop doing that, cuz every time he realize he've annoyed me or hurt me just the tiiiiniest I can see by the look at his face that he seem really hurt and feeling really guilty. I can't really say for sure if I'm right or not, but I ain't gonna risk anything. I want him to be treated for what he's worth - everything. So much more then I can give. So i guess then at least I have to do all I can do.

I miss him... And I should go to bed now. Night night people.

I said to myself that I would go to sleep the first time aboutan hour and a half ago. I always do that, but do I ever actually go to sleep in time? No. And now, as I'm laying down, writing with one hand and hugging Victor's hoodie with the other (it still smells like him...) I felt kind of tired the minte I layed down. Maybe I should just simply teach myself to try to sleep before I actually get like seriously tired. It's just that... Sleep somehow seems so pointless as soon as I'm alone, as soon as I'm not with Victor. And then I rather prefer to stay up and talk to someone on msn instead of trying to sleep.. Maybe it isn't too weird how I'm always tired? I somehow don't want to sleep. There's gotta be something wrong with me. I enjoy sleeping. What I don't enjoy though is the moment my morning alarm goes off and I have to get out of bed before I actually finnished sleeping.

However, I shall now try to get some sleep. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I have to wake up, the sooner I have to walk for 40 minutes to get to the place I've got my first two lessons on tuesdays and the sooner I'll be with Victor again. And gosh that last one weighs all the bad parts up. I miss him...

Nighty night now people        xx

After several complications, a day without school, mixed feelings, loads of worries and some amazing time with Victor I'm now sitting here alone without Victor, feeling relieved but yet kind of sad eating way too much Ben and Jerry's.
I can't be bothered to go through everything that's happened today but either I or Victor was at school today and things could've screwed up - big time. But luckilly they didn't. Nothing happened. All that happened was that I now have to survive this evening without him. Which is bad enough as it is. But well yeah.. I worry too much sometimes. And I blame myself, way too much. As soon as something bad happens and it's got the slightest to do with me I blame myself for all of it, even though most of the times I know it's not only my foult. And gosh how I worry too much. I hate the fact that Victor's phone is deaded and for some reason he ain't charging it so I can't hear from him to see if he's ok. I remember once, when I was going out with John, and i didn't hear from him for five days. Gosh I was so worried! I seriously concidered the fact that he was hospitalized or something, even dead. Caring for someone fucks up your mind, doesn't it?

There's this one thing that's appeared in my thoughts several times the last couple of days.. I've thought about how much easier things would be if I wasn't going out with anyone. if I just settled with all of my friends. Cuz I've really realized how happy they make me. Sure thingy, I don't get the same thing with a friend as with a boyfriend.. But sometimes I just feel like it would be a good idea, it would make everything so damn much simpler. But then I just have to think about Victor for about a tenth of a second and I realize why I would never want that. Why some complications and hard feelings is nothing compared to what true love gives you. Gosh, I'm so damn much in love. And gosh how I hate that things can't just be as perfect as before. I wanna get past this, work this through and just.. be with him. But eventually Selene, eventually it'll be like that again.. Eventually nothing else will matter and there will be no else then good.

I told Victor about thinking about not going to england btw, and he said if I'm not going he wants me to go to Oxford with him instead. So whatever desicion I make it seems like I'm going to england. But it's long left, innit? I'll set a time limit.. 2 more months.. Yer, in 2 months I'll have to have made up my mind. On the 1st of may. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone

Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart

What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

And oh, right.. About the subsidy for the flat, it seems like there won't be any problem getting it anyways. I'm not completely sure though, but it seems like it. Feels kind of relieving. Although, Victor came up with the idea that I could move in at his in that case and not have to pay that much every month. But he ringed me earlier and told me he had asked her mom and she didn't seem to fond of the thought so I don't think it would've worked anyways. And well.. Not having to be up at 5 and not being able to be with Victor after school.. Is just great.
Omg I miss him...

The worst thing that could happen at this moment just happened... Not completely for sure though, but I've got a bad feeling about this.
To afford living at the flat we get subsidies every month which, with both mine and my brothers', covers nearly all of the rent. Without it we wouldn't afford living there. And my mum just told me that you have to apply for the subsidy every term and not every year, as she thought. So 1: We've been paying the rest for 2 months without actually being able to afford it. And the part that's seriously bad.. Since we're a month late applying for it there's a (quite big, I think) risk that we won't get it this term. And that's equal that Crow and I have to move back home. And if that happens.. Geez, i don't even wanna have to think about it. I'd have to be up at 5 every day and I wouldn't be home till about 6, ever day... And I'm tired as it is now. And also, that'd mean I can't be with Victor after school, apart from the times I can sleep at his. And.. I'm just.. Geez, I'm nearly crying now. Fucking shit. But I don't wanna blame mom cuz wtf I didn't know either, did I? My god this is horrible. I so hope we'll be able to get those stupid moneys anyways. I guess I shouldn't be this all über depressed already.

Anyways... I'm off in about an hour. I havn't ringed Victor and I can't either but I hope he'll understand I want him to come over anyways. I need him right now..
                       xoxo

I've told myself that I should go to bed 4 times this far now. But I jus don't seem to ever do it.. Why? I just don't like it. True, I'm not talking to anyone at the moment. I'm as alone here as I would be in bed. But it's still not the same thing.. Gosh how I hate being alone at night. How I hate sleeping alone. I don't wanna have to do it, not tonight, not ever again. I don't like trying to get some kind of solace in music which at the same time makes me feel worse cuz I always listen too much to lyrics. I don't want to be alone, I hate it I hate it I hate it! There's somewhere I belong, somewhere I'm sopposed to be. Not here, not alone but at some copletely different place and with him. Or with my friends. With just.. anyone who mean anything to me. Just not like his, please? Not anymore, I hate it. They come crawling at night, the emotions, the thoughts... I don't want them. I want some rest. I wanna fall asleep in his arms, fall asleep feeling his skin against mine, smelling his hair. And I want him to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. Just.. anything. I don't belong here, I don't belong alone in the middle of fucking nowhere!
Gosh, I give up now.. Let's hope the comfort of sleep will help me.

Night night, for real this time.        xx

One of the most amazing feelings I know is when you re-discover someone. When you start talking to someone you havn't spoken to in a while and you hear that person say "I've missed you" and that just happened to me. Babe signed out while I was away and left his mobile phone number so i texted him and in his answer he said he've missed talking to me as much as we used to and he's been all like "seleeene I love you xxx" all night. Cooould be cuz he's drunk, but that doesn't mean it's not true. Drunk people don't lie, they just simply say things they wouldn't have said if they were sober. But well yer.. I just love that feeling. Finding someone is just so.. great. And now that I'm talking to him again I realize how much I've missed him. Did I ever say that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have known like 80% of my friens? I got to know Dougle through Ryan and then I remember that once I got to know Dougle I got like 30 new people on my xbox live friendslist in 3 weeks or something. Most of the people who I'm now good friends with. Cheggs, Adam, Nathan, Steven, Daniel etc.

But meh.  Just wanted to say something about it, since it made me all happy face. Babe ftw xx Oh and yer, I had a text from Darling saying he missed me earlier as well (He's at his dads) and that made me all happy face as well. I've said it before that I always think alot about if I mean as much to others as they do to me and well these kind of things proves that I've got nothing to worry about. It's just amazing somehow how many people I actually have who like me, who actually care about me. Thinking about it makes me so damn touched. I've always been the ugly ducking, the one no one wants to be with, the one no one likes. And now I'm in the middle of this love-overdose. And I love it. Feeling loved.. Isn't that just among the greatest things you can ever feel? I believe that's the thing in this world that makes me happiest. And I like being happy.
Praise Babe for being the bestest and the saviour of the day    xx

Night night now. It's 2:15 here.. And I told myself I'd try to be in bed at a proper time today.. geez.

Ok so the last 1½ hours msn conversations have contained the most randm things;
- Me copying emoticons on cam. With oher words: Adam putting emoticons and me trying to copy them wih my face. I'm actually pretty good at that..
- Talking to a very drunk Babe about loads of random things - mostly sex. Listening to him whining about loosing his sixpack and showing off his belly (result: drooling)
- Me and Babe mocking Adam for being a virgin.
- Adam and Babe mocking me for not drinking.
- And right now, me comforting Babe cuz he's all sad face cuz his ex is being a douche when he's trying to be nice to her and offering to be friends but she's just being mean. So now I've promised to snipe her for him.. Gosh, bad choice of weapon. I'm bad with snipers..

Kind of odd night.. And I should be going to bed.. but I cba to lol. I'm too lazy. Sitting in the livingroom as well...
Ah well. Just some random.. rambling.