When I was on my way home from Victor's I started thinking about how familliar that route is for me now. Walking across the railway, turn by the factory, walk down the road with an infitinte numer of houses on it... Across the road, Walk in between the flats and then I'm home. I started thinking of how fast if feels, walking that way now. I leave Victor's and then in a minute I'm home. It's like I do it automatically. And I started thinking of the fact that the first time you go somewhere it feels alot longer then it does when you've done it a couple of times. And I thought that meh, that's just a really silly thought. Very... Pointless. But then I noticed Victor had texted me, about 5 minutes after I actually recieved it. And once I had answered his text I felt how all of a sudden felt so.. heavy. I couldn't straigten my back, it was as if everything all of a sudden I lost all of my power. When I started thinking again, when I stoped just walking automatically and remembered that omg.. Just a couple of minutes ago I was in his arms, happy as could be. But I had to go, and now what does matter really? I thought I'd just go home and go to bed instantly so I didn't get the time to sleep. But I changed my mind and decided I needed to let my thoughts out for a while. And so I ended up here, as usual.
Today was weird. Or maybe it wasn't? maybe it was just like very other day, just that I, for once, was thinking in a positive way? But however, everything seemed.. Great somehow. No negative energy what so ever. When I woke up I didn't feel bad at all, my first thought was YAY, I'll see Victor in an hour! and well.. the entire morning went on just great. I didn't think what I usually do and so things weren't bad. I even had the time to snooze for 15 minutes and I didn't even find it hard to go up the second time! Then we had P.E which I usually hate, but I didn't really mind it. Not even the music theory! I actually don't mind music theory anymore, cuz I'm finally starting to understand it. More or less all of it! And so I feel all proud and likes it more, equal.. Don't mind it.
So, well.. Idunno, this might just sound like any day but I usually thinks really negative about most things and most of my days end up being generally negative. And now I'm starting to wonder... Is it just simply because I don't try to think in a positive way? I should try doing that more often.
Something hit me today.. Not literally, of course, but you know what I mean. I reeeeally need to be more careful about getting annoyed with Victor and stuff. He said this something.. I was clicking the buttons on the xbox controler, mostlycuz I was restless but well i didn't stop when he asked me to, and then he said that if he would've done that I would've been seriously pissed. Then later today I got a bit annoyed with him cuz he interruped me when I was saying something, and also he interrupted me to whine about something completely pointless and well.. yer.. it annoyed me. And then i didn't wanna keep saying what I was saying and Victor got a bit upset and started going on about him thinking he doesn't always treat me right. And.. Gosh that made me feel guilty. I keep realizing how damn bad I treat him, and then he thinks he treat me bad? I really gotta start thinking before I act. I'm feeling so horribly guilty, actually horribly bad as soon as I think of how unfairly I treat him. He's the best that's ever happened to me, the light of my life, the one I love... And I still don't treat him the best I could. I'm an idiot. He's an angel. He's a diamond, I'm a rock. I so gotta change that.. And I gotta stop getting annoyed by that kind of tiny things. Even though I guess I've got reason to be, I still have to stop doing that, cuz every time he realize he've annoyed me or hurt me just the tiiiiniest I can see by the look at his face that he seem really hurt and feeling really guilty. I can't really say for sure if I'm right or not, but I ain't gonna risk anything. I want him to be treated for what he's worth - everything. So much more then I can give. So i guess then at least I have to do all I can do.
I miss him... And I should go to bed now. Night night people.
