Photography lesson is done, so now all that's left is 1h 20minutes maths. And then it's off HOMMMME! Heaven. I love this kind of schooldays, lol. And also, I woke up next to Victor this morning. it wasn't planned, but I just ended up spending the night at his. And i'm a bit wtf, cuz I've realized that we don't even have to ask if I can spend the night there anymore, if I'm there later then 9:30 his mom seems to assume I will, lol Well I'm not bothered. I would spend every single night next to him if i could. Although, I had troubles falling asleep yesterday. I was feeling so bad, both physically and mentally. I'm having a cold of some kind, and Idunno why but last night was just horrible. My chest kept hurting and I almost started crying and i have no fucking idea what was going on. So I ended up playing tetris on my phone for like 20 minutes, at about 1 in the morning. Wtf?
Howeverrrrz. I'm gonna spend aaaaaall day and the night at Victor's today as well. In about 2 hours weäll probably be seated in front of the TV, me watching Victor play either Dark Sector or Jericho (he bought two new games for the xbox yesterday).
Anyways, off to have maths.
So long suckers!

Even though I didn't go to sleep untill about half one-one in the morning I had a great night's sleep. No more then 7 hours, but more then enough to make me feel well. I'm not that tired and my head isn't asleep lol Although, I got waked up 4 times this morning before I actually went up -.- First at 7:30 cuz Victor texted me, but I didn't mind that. Hearing from him, saying he missed me made it OK even if I had 2 hours left to sleep. Then I woke up from the alarm of Victor's old phone which I borrowed cuz the battery on mine deaded. Theeeen some random bleeping started 30 minutes before I had to be up and then my actual wake-up alarm went off at 8:30. Geez, lol. Then I went to school to have my singing lesson, had lunch with Crow and now here I am. I'm going to join that girl in my class' singing lesson for the duet thingy in 35 minutes and I've got nothing to do before that. So; Computerrr! Lol.
I know I mention it alot but I love my singing teacher. Today she told me like "Oh I love working with you, you're so funny! I missed you last week." and that made me all happy face. I'm so glad she thinks so, cuz that means I relax and stuff. And I'm usually not very good at relaxing when it's connected to singing infront of anyone really. So, it's gonna be a bit weird changing teacher after the summer, but I'll get used to it.. Pernilla, my (probably) new teacher did this solo on the choir concert I had last tuesday and omg she's sooo good! And her voice is at the same level as mine, so I think she'll be able to help me alot more. My current teacher's got a much lower voice then me, you see. But it still works out great though.
(Sorry, I ramble too much.)

Idunno if I should actually say too much about this but last night I started feeling all weird. Once Victor had left, I enarly felt like crying. Cuz.. For some random reason, some randome way, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything from him at all. And that made me feel.. sick, kind of. And I was all like now wtf is this? I know he loves me damnit, but why did I all of a sudden feel like there was nothing there? Oh idunno.. I talked a bit to Darling about it but he just told me not to worry, he knows me too well and know I worry alot easier then I should. It's probably nothing. Actually I'm quite sure it was nothing. But I can't really help but getting anxious about it, right? Meh, whatever. I do worry about ten times more then I should and I am very aware of that.
However, I've got nothing more to say. I'll spend the afternoon with Victor and might not be home till like 10-10:30.
Loves you all     xxxxx

Home, finally! Believe me, as soon as I finnish writing this I'm gonna fall asleep instantly. I'm soooo tired. Idunno why though.. Could be the constant movement I've been in all day. Or well.. at least half of the day. I walked for 30 minutes first thing in the morning, had dance class for an hour and a half. Then I walked to school, which is about a 10-15 minutes walk. Had P.E (1½ hours constant movement) and well then I walkedthe 20 minute-way home once school was over. And my feet hurt so bad My shoes aren't too good for walking. But my feet are getting used to it. So however, all of me is all tired. Victor even went home an hour before school ended (for him, 2 hours before it ended for me) cuz he was so tired. But he's got a meeting and then theatre and won't be home till tile 10:30 anyways, so I can understand that. And I don't deny the fact that I would've loved to leave school earlier as well. But I didnnnnn't. (wtf I just tired to spell earlier "aerlier", on purpose.. lol.)

Apart from that there haven't been too much going on today. Nothing special happened really.

So, about the things I was rambling about yesterday. To start with the Darling thingy..
The last ~2 weeks he've been all quiet. When I write to him on msn his answers are short, he doesn't say anything unless I ask him something, he didn't write a single x (we usually write loads of them) and when he left he didn't say bye. That kind of things. It made me a bit worried but I didn't bother too much, I can't force him to be social with me. But then.. Idunno if it was last friday or saturday, he randomy texted me saying "Love you xxxx" and I was a bit wtf. I aswered the text, saying I love him too and also added that I wondered if anything's wrong lately. But he never answered that. Then I talked to him on msn yesterday. He said his phone wouldn't let him text me (could be true, but I'm not sure) and that's why he didn't answer. But however I asked him again if anything's wrong. His answer was "Meh" which made me instantly understand something is wrong. But he didn't seem to wanna tell me. But later on he said he'd tell me, but then he never did. So I told him "I'm still waiting.." and he told me it's just that he's got alot of schoolwork to do. My WTF-factor went high. So.. idunno.. From the way he's been acting I can't really trust that it's nothing really. He doens't act that way unless something is wrong. And what's with the random "love you"-text, after barely talking for 2 weeks (if not more)? I'm just afraid it's something that's got to do with us. Like.. Idunno, could be anything. But I'm just worried, that's all. I don't want anything badt o happen to him, and I defeneatly don't want him to keep quiet about it. But oh well, I can't force him to say anything, can I? And as far as I know, he might already have told me. But meh.

Just as a rando note, this week, when it comes to my school scedule, is all.. woah! (as in a good way) I end 1½ hours earlier tomorrow, before lunch(!) on thursday, and on friday there's no school at all! And also.. It's only 1½ months left till the summer holidays. The OMG-ness is extreme. And in a month I'll spend 2 constant weeks at Victor's!

And nooow my head died completely. Time for a nap. I need to rest, and also.. That means the time will pass faster till Victor comes here at about 10 <3 Can't wait.

Tuesday morning, just woke up from this really odd dream. Or.. idunno.. not that odd. Cuz this time most of it made sence, but anyways. I was in some kind of war. Wherever I were was at war or something. But what I remember the most is the last part of it, a really random one. I together with loads of other teenagers had been kept in this building to be safe, but we were allowed to go outside for a while. And it perhaps it wasn't a war, cuz shops were open and stuff. But however, this girl and I went into a make-up store and started looking. And after being there for a while this woman who worked there stepped up to us and said "could you please leave and come back when your clothes aren't mouldy", cuz we were all dirty and stuff from the past day when we had to leave home. And there we got into this discussion which lead to a fight, where they thougt we couldn't be in there cuz our clothes were dirty cuz of the war-thingy. And we tried to explain how we had no chance to get clean clothes and stuff but they just kept arguing and one of them ended up dragging me out of the store and hitting me, so I pulled off like a huge part of her hair.. It was well weird. And then when I woke up I was all like "oh.. right.. That wasn't real life.. I've gotta go to school." and then here I am. I've gotta leave in 15-20 minutes so I better get something to eat and stuff. But I just felt like I wanted to say something in the morning for once

Oh well, gotta get ready to go naoowwww. I'll be home at about 4:30 and then I've got all afternoon/evening to do absoluetly nothing. Oh heaven ._. (That's what I've got weekends for!)
Have a nice day    xx

Right, I know I told you I'd make a proper update and actually talk about what's going on. But.. Victor came here earlier then I expected, and right now I'm just tired and not feeling too well. But I'll be home all day (after school, that is) tomorrow and I'll tell you all about it then. Cuz I really need to sort things in my head anyways. I've been really worried about Darling later and that's what's mostly on my mind right now. He told me it's just that he's got loads of schoolwork and stuff, but Idunno neither I should believe that or not. But my head is nearly overloading right now, I'll ramble on about that tomorrow instead.

Crow's playing Left 4 Dead, making all these gunshot noices, screams and WRAWWWWWR's filling the room. That and the rain hitting my window is what I can hear right now. That's kind of depressing.. I might go to bed early today, I'm really tired. But I won't be able to sleep as long as Crow's playing anyways.

Oh well. I'llend today with this lyric which I find all.. good, and true. Lol.                 xxxx

The Whole Damn World is just as obsessed
With who‘s the best dressed and who's havin' sex
Who‘s got the money. Who gets the honeys
Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess

And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends

High School Never Ends

I've been home for about 20 minutes and I'm leaving again in like 10. I'm off swimming, as usual, and just stopped by at home to charge my phone, charge my iPod, get something to eat and get my swimming stuff.
So, well, I spent the weekend with Victor. Some things happened there but I'll tell you about that once I get back home instead. Had a concert with the school choir yesterday and it went ok. Blablabla, sorry, idunno why I'm doing this fast-version of the last days. I'm off now, I'll talk to you more laterrrrr.
Hope you had a great weekend!

I just had this random anxiety-ish attack thing. I'm just feeling horribly bad for some reason (not physically that is), feeling lonely like hell, being all über sentimental. Especually sentimental. Idunno why, but I've started thinking so much about the past lately. I randomly started missing Jesper (Idunno if I've mentioned him as Jesper or Knecken before, but whatever), realizing I haven't talked to him for like 3 months. I remebered he've changed msn but I never added his new one, so I just did. And now I'm kind of waiting for him to come online so I can talk to him. I.. well.. I've randomly started feeling bad about what I did to him. I mean that was just horrible of me! Not to tell him about Darling. To pretend as if nothing was going on. And yet I can't deny the fact that I liked having him here, but yet I was so settled with my decision to leave him. And then what happened? Darling turned into a douche, a couple of days before I told Jesper. Gosh, that was such a mistake.
I always say Jesper was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but to be honest.. Idunno. Was it him, or was it Darling? Not Darling in general, obviously, but to even concider going out with him screwed so much up. Gosh, Idunno. The way i feel right now is as if I was still in it, that time when I had to make up my mind, when I couldn't. When Jesper made me happier then ever, and just over a night that changed and Darling was all that mattered to me. But yet I have no idea if any of those feelings were ever real. Did I just fancy Jesper to get over John? And is it the way I told myself to get over Darling, that we were never really in love but just really good friends? I really have no idea.. And I'm not fucking ever gonna find out either, am I? The past is a bitch. The future is a douche. The present.. Is at the moment just painful, thinking about the past.
I don't wanna be without Victor all evening. I don't wanna have to sit here, under ground, all alone, all evening, all night. But I do. Victor might come late tonight, but that's not certain. He's at his granddads, and he might stay till tomorrow. Meaning I'll have to be alone. I sure hope someone will be on msn to talk to, like.. all night. I need someone. I don't want to be alone.
And I just realized I've got about £9 free, even after ordering the fabrics I'm gonna order in a week. And what's that equal? Going to buy some unhealthyness in a while.

However, I spend two nights in a row at Victor's. Last night wasn't planned, but when I had to leave Victor just said "stay, sleep here." and so I did. We never even asked if I could, and yet his parents didn't seem to be bothered. Yayness. And then tody have been soooo pointless. I had a national test english writing this morning, we had 80 minutes to write it and I finnished in about 25, feeling satisfied with it. Then we had 4½hours (!) break, then 2½ hours theatre lesson. I so couldn't be bothered with the whole theatre though, so I left after 1½.

I'm gonna have a little nap now, to clean my head. Then I'll go buy unhealthy thingyyyyyys C:
So long suckers.

Morning people   xx
Today started out good, even without Victor ( ). Doesn't start school till.. well 12:10 actually, but I have lunch at school so that makes it 11 o'clock. But however.. I was gonna join a girl in my class at her singing lesson today, so I'd have to hurry a bit, but it appeared she's not at school (I texted another girl and asked) so I don't need to hurry. yay! Sad face about no singing lesson though. My teacher had to do.. something.. idunno what. But my throat isn't great either and 2 more hours to sleep.. I'm not whining!

So, that's pretty much what's happened today this far. I woke up the first time at 8, then again at 10. I had this weird dream which contained like everything from a random guy kissing me, me spying on some people and a guy getting electrified. It was odd, but yet I liked it. I love dreaming. (I've said that before, I know.)

Howeverrr... I've got about 15 minutes left till I'm off.. Gotta get dressed and make myself look descent. Blabla. I... Might talk to you later. I might stay the night at Victor's, if I'm allowed to, and in that case I won't. But we'll see

Have a nice day      xx

Sorry about not writing again yesterday. I got caught up in.. err.. project runway, lol. And then Victor came over. He wasn't allowed to stay the night though, so I had to spend it without him  Extreme sad face. But we watched Saw 3 and just cuddled. That film's reeeeeeally.. creepy. lol. I've only seen the first one before, and that one was nothing compared to this one. But it was good.

Then today I got to sleep till 8:15, had theatre class (I never really get what those lesons have to do with theatre though. What we did was discuss things and then we did these "exsercises", I'd call them games, lol. It's still fun though.), then we were at the bath during P.E. I didn't do that much swimming, and afterwords I was EXHAUSTED! Swimming two days in a row, and walking the distance it is to the bath, plus my feet hurt alot for some random reason, was horrible. Both Victor and I more or less slept through the maths lesson after that. And then I didn't go to my music theory lesso cuz I was still way too tired. So I followed Victor home, watched some Doctor Who, had some cuddling and then he had to go to his theatre and i went home. And here I am. SO my day was... I wouldn't say pointless, but kinda boring. I'm still tired and Victor's coming over for a little while after theatre, which would be.. like.. in two hours or something.

I'm gonna go get something edible now, and then - guess what - watch project runway. (Yes, I'm obsessed. I wonder what I'll watch once I've watched it all :\ )

I'm off to go swimming in about 20 minutes. I just went home to get the stuff I need and I decided to stay for like 30 minutes or so, just to get a break.

Today was all über weird. the morning was just great, I mean.. I woke up next to Victor. And honestly, it doesn't get much better. But from I woke up till about lunch was just horrible. I absolutely no idea why, but I was just feeling so horribly bad. I felt like crying several times and.. idunno.. it was just shitty. And I feel really bad about it cuz Victor kept asking me "is something wrong?" "are you OK?" but I just kept answering that "no, I'm fine." It wasn't that I was trying to hide anything, but just simply the reason that how the hell was I gonna explain what was wrong? Nothing was wrong! Not as far as I could tell. And I just really hate to make him worried for no reason..
Thinking about him makes me miss him sososososo much.. And it was only 30 minutes since I last saw him, and it's just a couple of hours till I see him again.. But that doesn't make any difference. I miss him just as much anyways :'< Gosh I love him so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just bad for him. It kind of feels like it. Like I make him worried, like I make him feel bad for no reason way too often. Oh Idunno..

Apart from that.. Cheggs spoke to me yesterday. He just randomly wrote to me on msn. And.. I was a bit wtf.. But frankly, I don't give a fuck. If he wants to talk to me, that's fine by me. He didn't seem to be after arguing. He did bring up things from before a bit though. Asked me things such as how long it took me to get over him. And I told him the truth, that it took less then a day. And he didn't seem to get annoyed. I guess that's good. What really wasn't good though, was the fact that Victor reacted strongly to the fact that Cheggs wrote to me again. He changed his whole way in a matter of seconds, and after a couple of minutes I managed to make him tell me what was wrong. And he's just.. worried. I don't think he believe I'll miss Cheggs or go back to him or whatever, I think it's just the fact that things turned great when he disappeared, and now he's back. Or.. well.. idunno really. I never even added him back on msn, so I ain't gonna talk to him unless he talks to me. And if I can actually see that the fact that I'm talking to him again makes Victor feel too bad, well then I won't hesatate for even an ounce of a second before I stop talking to him again (Cheggs, that is)
Victor and I have really found each others. And there's no way in this whole fucking world that I'm gonna let it fuck up. Especually not cuz of something as stupid as this. I ain't gonna let that (sorry, but) pathetic kid ruine this. And I hope Victor can see that, and believe it, and hopefully he wants this just as bad as I do.

I've gotta pack my bag and get going now. This ended up taking longer time then I had planned. Last time I did 35 minutes constant swimming, I'm aiming for at least 45 today.
Talk to you later.

Hiya people~
I just arrived at the flat, and now.. I'm kind of just waiting for Victor to come. He's gonne be at his dads for a little while and then he's coming over here and he'll spend the night her. And then, if he's allowed, he'll stay the night here as well. Yay.
I love being with Victor. I mean.. constand days, together with him. It's like heaven! But at the same time, I don't think we've really reached the state where we can be together but do separate things, and that.. sligtly bothers me. it's like.. when he's coming over later, all we've got to do is.. well.. we've got each others, and we've got my laptop. No TV, no xbox (since Crow isn't here yet) and at those times I guess it's ok, cuz we can't really decide what to do. But.. idunno.. I mean once people move in together they're not constantly all over each others. Like the only time my parents are properly together, suggling and stuff is while watching TV in the evenings. Not constantly throughout all of the day. And I just wonder.. when do you actually reach that stage?
I make it sound like I don't like it the way things are right now. That's a complete lie. i love the way I have it with Victor, but sometimes I just wich we would've properly reached that stage, you know? After 3 days constantly snuggling, watching the same thingson the computer, staring at the other playing xbox and blabla I just wish. Idunno if you get what I mean really, but anyways.
Or.. maybe we're already there? Maybe it's just me being some kind of coward, not daring to leave him? What actually stops me from bringing my laptop while he's playing or watching TV? What stops me from reading while he's doing something else? I guess the other way around would be a bit weird though. When he's at mine, I wouldn't wanna force him to come up with something to do. Just as I wouldn't want him to like "meh, entertain yourself.." while I'm at his. we haven't reached that far yet.
Ah well, idunno. But I've got about an hour to stare at my computer screen and do whatever I want without having to think of what he wants to do right now, soooo... Let's watch project runway!
Lol.
Talk to you tomorrowzzzz       xxx

I ended up going to a town a bit from here to buy food and some medicine for me, so that took about 2 hours of my day. Victor's coming in about an hour and in about 1½ hours my entire family (minus Karro who's at her boyfriend's) is going to barbeque with two friends of Patric and my mom. So, I guess today didn't turn out to be as dull, boring and lacking of things to do as I expected.
And.. well.. OMGWTFBBQ VICTOR'S COMING IN AN HOUR Lol, sorry, I've just really missed him.
Oh well, anyways. I'm gonna keep overdosing Circle of Life and reading Contact Harvest now. (Halo books = luv)
I might not write again in a while since, as I said, Victor's coming over. But I'll talk to you... sometiiiime.
Loves you all        xoxoxoxoxo
(omg Circle of Life is so damn good)

I never really listened to this song before. But now that I did.. well.. The OMG-factor about my reaction to the lyrics is very high. It's so beautiful! And it kind of of touches me a bit. Now that I've listened to it about 5 times I don't react too much anymore, but the first time I listened to it and read the lyrics at the same time I could really feel something. Not a very good feeling though, but more of a.. sentimental, a bit depressed, missing yet very loving feeling. That was a really weird explonation but anyways. I just love it when I find songs that touch me.

However.. That feeling, after talking to Victor yesterday, passed kinda quickly. And now I'm just gonna wait a while and then ring him to tell him he can come, but he have to take the bus to Ullared. He said he don't have the money for it but I really hope he can get it somehow. I mean.. 30SEK, that's like.. £2.50, that's nothing! And I'd really hate it if that's what stopped him from coming. But however, I don't know when he's gonne be up and it's not even 11 so I'm not ringing yet. I'll wait like 30 minutes or something.
Apart from that.. I ended up making the pattern for a bolero-top-thingy yesterday, I made a pair of über purple fluffy bootcovers and then I started making this adorable tutu/tulle skirt. But I ran out of fabric so I can't finnish it till I order new fabrics, which will be in about 2 weeks. Blargh. I was gonna order in a week, but my brother wants to order with me (he's gonne make a cosplay costume of some kind) and he ain't getting money till a week after me, so I'll have to wait.
My sister's leaving to her boyfriend over the weekend (or at least till tomorrow, I'm not sure) and Patric (my stepad) is picking up his sons so they're gonna be here over the weeke as well. And that's about as interesting as things are right now lol.

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

I've got such a strange feeling right now.. strange in a very unpleasant way.
Victor texted me about a hour ago saying he miss me and asked if I've talked to my mom about him coming here/me going to town on saturday instead of sunday. When he did that, it texted my mom who's in town right now if they could pick Victor up once they're done with what they're doing, or possible some other day or me going there (blabla) However she said I could do whatever, so I rang Victor and asked if he was free today so mom could go pick him up, being all excited and like "YAY, I'm gonna see him today!" But when I asked, first of all he got this veeeery "wtf?"-y voice, making me feel somehow.. idunno.. bad, someway. And then he told me he had to go to his granny tomorrow and so he can't come. And.. Idunno.. when he said that I just cracked. I felt like crying but thinking of that I was on the phone with him I didn't want to, and I managed not to do it. We ended up talking for like 45 more minutes and in the end of the conversation this same thing got brought up again, and once more I felt like crying. I was sad, frustrated, somehow annoyed. And now, that I'm writing this, I'm so close to start crying. Idunno why? I guess I just really wanted him to come here, I really wanna see him as soon as possible.. And then he just like meh, sorry, can't, I've got other plans. Kind of. I know that's not how he meant it to sound, but it kind of did. And the mixture of me being sad that he couldn't come and the fact that the way he said it gave me that feeling just ruined me completely. And I fucking hate it. Just go away, now! It's kind of similar to an anxiety attack. I feel like breaking something, I feel like screaming, I feel like jumping out of the window and break my legs.
Wtf?
Agreed.

Today iiiiiis... Weird. I've been feeling like hell like half of the day, but right now I feel okay. I slept like 2 hours earlier and I wouldn't mind having another nap. That's the way I feel... Sick, and tired. Not as in sick and tired though lmao. So, well, I was planning to get outside on real today, and also to workout a bit.. But I just can't, I'm feeing too bad. So.. I've been sketching and looked at fabrics online half of the day, and the other half I've - surprise - watched Project Runway. So well. Meh.. All of me is just über meh. I'm not even properly dressed damnit. I went into my walk-in closet and just took this quite old sarong and tied it around my neck as a dress, and then I've got Victor's hoodie on top of that cuz I'm freezing like hell although it's quite hot outside. I'll try to finnish a pattern later, but apart from that.. I won't have made any kind of.. proper.. things.
Fuck I'm starting to feel worse again. I'm just waiting for the time when i feel bad enough to dread I'm gonna throw up. Blargh.
Sorry about having nothing to say. But as I said. Meh.

My project runway obsession and designing creativity keeps going.
I finnished the dress today, just an hour ago. It didn't turn out at all like my original idea and the pattern wasen't too perfect but it still looks good. It's a tiny bit too short, and unless I stretch my ack I look kinda fat in it. But that happens whenever I wear a dress, especually of this straight, stretch kind. But I'm still happy with the result. And omg I've got sooo many ideas of garment to make right now, but not the money to make even half of them. And I ended up sketching down these hotpants with bit of a moulin rouge inspired, trensparent skirt and loooove it, but then I realized I would never be able to wear that. My thighs are way too.. unflattering. Lol.
But that just kind of gave me a bit of encouragement to loose weight. I told myself I'll make those garment once I feel fit enough. The same with this waist-hight pencilskirt I was planning to make, but then I realized I look really fat in that kind of skirts so I thought the same about that. And also, I've got this really cute red pencil skirt I had from Victor's mother among with some other clothes who I think the same about. I really wanna be able to wear it, but first I need to lose some weight.
If I actually manage to pull this off, loosing some weight, the plan is about 8 kilos, I'm gonna be soooo prou of myself. And so.. happy with myself. It's not that I dislike my body right now, in the right clothes I actually look kinda fit, but in other clothes I look just horrible. Clothes I'd like to be able to wear, like the hotpants and skirts I just mentioned.
But about not having money to make my designs.. I guess I just have to like focus on starting by making the designs I think would sell, so I'll be able to put them on etsy and like.. As soon as I manage to sell a garment that should give me enough money to make a new one. Simple maths lol. But yer, it sounds alot easier in my head then it probably is. And yet I don't wanna spend all my money on clothes. Although I do need more clothes, but you know. Summer's coming up as well, and if I didn't get any of the summer jobs I applied for I won't have much money over the summer and blabla. Gosh I hate thinking about these kind of things. Money is the most stupid invention in this goddamn world!
I'll ring Victor now, that might give me something else to think about.
Omg I miss himmmmmmmm... I've gotta talk to mom tomorrow and see if we could pick him up in town or I could go to him on saturday or something.

I just spend about.. Idunno.. 1½ hours maybe, completely re-doing a pattern for the dress. I decided to make one myself from scratch, instead of the modified tank top pattern i made at first. I'm not completely shure neither this one is perfect or not but I believe it's good enough to give it a try, so.. probably tomorrow, I'll make the top. I washed the fabric earlier so it's drying at the moment and it may take a while.
However I'm completely exhausted right now. it might not sound hard, to make a pattern, but there's alot of maths in it. And I'm a sloppy person and didn't write everything down so I had to count the same things like 4 times. And also it's quite hot outside, I had very little sleep last night and I'm hungry. Equal exhausted Selene. I might go down get a snack of some kind soon.. Cuz mom haven't even started out with dinner and I'm soooo hungry. Oh well, I whine too much..

My eyes hurt, strangely enough cuz I haven't been at the computer that much today. But I need to get away from it, I'll go get something to eat and then I might go outside for a while.

Sorry about not having any interesting to say btw, but my head is all cought-up in designing and sewing at the moment. And the only thing that's actually happened is something I souldn't talk too much about. I'll just quickly mention it; my sister tried to run away from home yesterday, to her boyfriend cuz she's grounded, but my stepdad found her 30 minutes later in town. I could have lads of things to say about that but I shouldn't. I ain't gonna criticise my sister in front of the whole world. I might mention some things that are connected to it but not directly later though.
Anyways. Ttyl.

I just realixed I've spent about.. maybe.. 5 hours, more or less straight, watching Project Runway. I just finnished watching the first season. 4 more to go now
Gosh I spend too much time in front of the computer. But ah well, I did after all spend 4 hours cleaning up, and then about an hour sewing. I actually used this pattern construction course I'm doing for the first time! I've just read it through and then done the test before, but I used a part of it to make my own pattern for sleeves for a shirt/top/thiny I made a couple of months ago but I've never worn so I decided to add sleeves and now I like it alot more.
So, however, I think I'll try to spend some time outside tomorrow. And I'll make the pattern for at least one of the garment I'm about to make. And I'll wash the fabric for the dress so I'll be able to start sewing it either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. (Yes, I'm in a (über) creative period at the moment)
However it's 3 in the morning now and I'm getting reeeeeally tired. And omg I miss Victor. As usual. But I mean OMG I MISS VICTOR. Ow I'll stop whining now.

The top I fixed, in desperate need of ironing.

Night peopleee and morning to those of you who are in bed at a proper time and won't read this till the morning    xx

I said cleaning up would take about 1-2 hours.. Well.. it took 4 hours. And I'm not completely done yet. I've got some random things to put back in their right place and then I've gotta hoover this place. The floor's s damn dirty :S But however, it looks great now. I've got space in my room for the firsttime in like 2 months! Now I just gotta learn to keep it this way. And I'm soooo exhausted.

omg look my floor's empty!

So, well, I'm too damn tired to do anything right now so I think I'll just watch an episode of Project Runway and then I might take a nap or something. Or watch TV. Or whatever, as long as it doesn't take any energy to do it, lol. Or I might do some sewing. Or maybe now. I've done enough good for todayyyy. *zzzzz*

Today this far could've been better. Not that anything bad happened really, it just haven't been.. good. When I went down to have breakfast but as soon as I stepped into the kitchen I felt how I reeeeally didn't want to eat anything. But I ended up forcing myself to eat this tiny portion of soured milk with muesly. And right now I just feel kinda sick. But oh well... I'll try eating like a fruit or something later, cuz I mean that little food ain't gonna last till lunch.

However, apart from that, what I've got planned today is to actually get my room cleaned up. Properly cleaned up. Cuz both my floor and my desk looks like a complete disaster and I need to fix that in order to be able to sew. And I need to fix some workspace on my desk so I'll have to rearrange it and probably move my stereo. The question is to where.. hen I think about, I might be able to get place for it in my bookcase. Ah well, we'll see. So I'm probabyly gonna eiter listening t randomly loud music, singing along and cleaning up for the next one or two hours, or maybe I'll be watching project runway on youtube while doing it. That would probably make me slow down though, cuz I'd want to watch every now and then. So I think I'll go with the music.

I was up like all night yesterday wtching project runway btw. For inspiration. And well just cuz I find it a quite entertaining show. Youtube is a good invention.

However.. Time to get going! I'll talk to you laterrrrrz.

I'm sorry for not writing in a couple of days, but I told you. Hope you've survived without me lol
I just realized how hungry I am so I'm just gonna go down and get something to eat and then I'll reaturn to keep writing. Brb.

-
Iiiiii'm back. And now I'm full. I had a bit too much food. Although it wasn't much at all. I'm really starting to get full too quickly :\ Oh well.. I guess that's good if I wanna loose weight.

So.. 4 days since I wrote last time. We finnished Victor's new room on thursday and inagurated it the same night. Then it was his birthday on friday and loads of random people from his family who I've never met before came and we had loads of cake and cookies and stuff. It was nice, but a bit.. awkward. I felt abit out of place. Like it felt at start with Victor's parents and siblings as well. And.. I guess that wasn't too weird? But still. It was a bit awkward. Yet nice to actually see his family.
Then on saturday we went to.. Err.. Idunno. Someone from his family lol. And had easter dinner there. These were the same people that came on his brithday but it was still awkward. And thennnn yesterday we went to his grandmas, somewhere a bit from here, in the middle of nowhere. Even more new people from his family. This time it didn't feel that awkward though, I think I was getting used to the fact of being around random people from Victor's family who I've never met before.
So, well.. When I think aobut it, these last couple of days have mostly been about seeing Victor's family. I never really realized that till now. Weird. Ah well. It's been great, I got to spend time with Victor and omg when I had to leave earlier today it was horrible. As soon as my bus left I felt an instant emptiness, missing him so much... I don't wanna sleep without him tonight. And I might not see him till sunday. Sad face extreeeeme.

Apart from that though, being home is really nice. I believe I'll finnsh writing in a minute and go down watch TV with my family. It do feel a bit weird thinking about it but I really do miss my family when I'm away from them for too long. Even though my home is wherever Victor is, my family is still here.

So, I'm just gonna check this blog I read sometimes and then go down to the TV. Then later I think I'll just watch Sex and the City or something. Haven't watched it in aaaages. And tomorrow I'm gonna entertain myself by making some sewing patterns, and maybe starting out on that dress I'm gonna make! Yay!

xx

I'm feeling really.. strange today. Earlier I was all über tired and just fell asleep in 2 seconds (I fell asleep like three times while laying in Victor's bed)  but as soon as I got up and actually did something I felt quite ok.
When I got home I started feeling bad again, doing more or less.. Nothing. So, I might actually go to bed in time today. (No, I didn't go to sleep till about midnight yesterday. Sigh.)
Howeverrr.. Today was a pretty pointless day at school. Singing lesson, then I did proper work at swedish class for about 10 minutes, then I was done. And the rest of that lesson I spend looking through sewing magazines at the library. And then we had english, which was kind of the same lesson as the swedish lesson, and Victor and I ended up going to the cafteria (I bought some cookies and a yoghurt) and then we just simply left. What was the point of staying when we didn't have anything to work with anyways?
Tomorrow is worse though. 2nd lesson is equal maths test and 3d lesson is equal a book presentation. The presenation is gonna be chill though, it's just gonna be ~6 people sitting down around a table, rambling about their books. There's not even any guarantee the teacher will hear you when you do your presentation. The maths tast is a bit worse though. I need to go through some thingys with that before I go to sleep..

Oh and I cut Victor's hair today. There's like nothing left now omg. It looks well good though. And I ain't getting his hair in my face all the time! lol.
Owww I shouldn't write about him, that made me miss him.
Oh well. So.. Tomorrow is the last schoolday before the holiday and I'll be at Victor's till monday so I might not write again till then. But don't worry, you'll survive ;P lol.

Omg I wanna sew.. (lol)

I always seem to come out from my singing lessons with some kind of reaction (or whatever to call it)
Today my teacher told me she's concidering the fact of moving me to another teacher after the summer. Why? Because this other one is "better" then the one I have right now and my current teacher wants me to get some more advanced teaching. I'm not too sure how to react to that.. I mean of course it makes me happy, I'd never think anyone would actually find me that good, but at the same time I really love my teacher and I don't wanna switch.. The decision isn't hard at all though. Evne though I love my teacher I'll obviously do what she thinks is best for me.
But oh well, meh.
I've got 20 minutes extra singing lesson later. or well.. I'm doing a duet with another girl in my class ad we're gonna take 20 minutes off her lesson to actually sing it together. Which gives me quite little time to eat but oh well. I could go eat without Victor, in that case I've got an hour. But I don't wannaaa. if he's not here 20 minutes before the lesson starts I'll have to eat withut him anyways though. But meh.

Swedish, english and history class coming up. Then I'm gonna be with Victor till about 7 and then I'll go hoooome. Only 1½ days left till the holiday now. Yay!

However, I've gotta go fix somethinnnnng. Tty tonight     xx

I haven't even opened my maths book.. I'm a bad person..

Victor descend upon me earlier <3 and he stayed here for about.. idunno.. 2 hours? Something like that. And when he had to leave I went all über depressed and kidkapped him. So he stayed for about 20 more minutes. But idunno, today was kinda weird. He was just sitting in front of the computer, kind of constanty, doing various things.. And it both annoyed me and hurt me but I just couldn't say anything about it. I really hate telling people to like.. stop doing something for me, as long as it doesn't like annoy me or freak me out. When it comes to something that hurt I never say anything. I think.. that's a really bad thing. I'm just afraid of how much I'd effect people if I told them they did something that hurt me. I mean.. I don't want people to stop doing something they want to do just becuase they know it hurt me. Or well, it obviously depends on what it's about but.. you know.

However.. I reallyreallyreallyreally miss him right now. I can't wait till thursday = 4 days constant time together.
Omg I love him so much.
Oh well, I'm off to bed now actually. At least I do one good thing today, I'll be in bed before 11 (I bet I won't)
Night night xx

Just to let you all know.. I'm sopposed  to be on my way to the bath right now.. Cuz I did great on a test in the maths book today so i thought I didn't need to study for like 3 hours. But my legs are just completely deaded so as soon as I got home I just.. deaded. I so can't be bothered to do anything else then just.. sleep, kind of. My body is tired and I'm tired. I know, I'm a lazy ass But still. I'll just have to force myself to do some exrecise at home, since I won't be able to go swimming during the holiday and also.. It's easter. And Victor's Birthday. Omg so much unhealthy food, Lol.

Anyways, I went swimming yesterday. I ended up swimming non-stop for 35 minutes and then I thought it was enough. Not that I was that tired really, it was just that.. I got kind of bored, lol. And I thought it was enough as well. I mean it was the first time I had some proper excercise in 1½ years.
Oh, and I've lost 0,7 kiloes in 5 days omgwtfbbq? Happy faaace. And I've kind of stopped eating.. Or like.. I just don't feel like eating as much, and I get full alot faster then usual. I had some (not very much) cerial and a sandwich for lunch and that made my stomach hurt :S I guess that's good though. I've been planning to eat less as well, no loose some weight. That might sound just weird and stupid, but I eat a bit too much so it's a good thing. And also I'll stop buying candy. or well, when i do I'll buy like.. "healthy" candy lol. I ain't gonna say no if anyone offers me candy though lol. But just to stop buying it will make a big difference, and it's good for my budget as well.

Oh and I bought some fabric today! For a dress. I couldn't find exactly the kind of fabric I was looking for though so I had to settle with one that's a bit thicker, kind of like the fabric in most hoodies. But still.. It was either that, or I'd have to wait for like 3 weeks to when I've got the money to order the fabric for the dress and two other thingys. But meh. It'll be good anyways.

However, Victor spent the night here and then we didn't start school till 12 so we were in bed till 10:30.   :3 I have to survuve without him today though. he's got some kidnf of meeting right now and then he wants to go home and finnish some thingys in his room so he won't be able to come here. But thennn tomorrow I'll be with him till 7 when he's got theatre and on thrusday the holiday starts and I'll be with him till monday ^__^ and on friday is his 17th birthdayyy.
When I think about it.. If Victor's got scouting on thursday then I'll go swimming then. Yushyush.

It's kind of amusing.. I'm talking to Nathan properly for the first time in quite a while. He's leaving to the army in about a month Oh well, anyways. He started talking about how Cheggs have turned into such a douche and he's just all moody and shouted at Nathan for no reason what so ever. And he says if Cheggs doesn't apologize before saturday he's deleting him off msn, bebo and xbox. And they're (Nathan and Babe) most probably not going down to Eastlegih in the summer anymore, cuz none of them wants to see Cheggs anymore. Am I a bad person for finding it amusing how Cheggs suddenly turned into such a douche when I "left" him? Idunno.. maybe I am.. But mosst people agree with me. Nathan said he found what I did a clever move and, as I said, he might do the same. And Adam is completely on my side.. I still feel a bit sorry for Cheggs though. poor kid, if he keeps going on like this he ain't gonna have any friends left. But wtf, I still find him worth it.

Guess what? Crow bought this huge bag of candy yesterday and he only gave me 2 candies but I still didn't feel like "OMG I NEEDZ CANDY!!!" Like I usually do when he's eating candy. And right now he's eating crisps, and I feel no need what so ever to have some myself. Happy face. Not eating candy every single day anymore but just 1, top 2 and most of those times it's "healthy" candy seems to be agreat detox.
I feel really proud of myself right now. I don't think it's gonna be too hard for me to loose some weight.
Anyways, gotta do some maths now.

Monday morning, computer class. Annnd.. today is quite chill. We're missing 2 lessons (swedish and music ensamble) to go watch a theatre show instead. And then all that's left is maths and photography (just maths for most people) And then tomorrow we're watching a dance show, so first of all we start 1½ hours later then usual and then we don't have a lesson. And then no school on friday! Wohew.

And omg, I just had a maths test back.. All I had was a C+. Omg I haven't had that bad on a maths test in like 5 years. And I've got another test on thursday which is alot harder then this one.. crap. I really gotta start working during class, and well.. bring my books home. I'll bring them tomorrow. I'm going swimming after school today and I was planning to do that tomorrow as well but I think I'll go home and do some (loads) of maths instead. Fuck... I haven't had a single A on this maths course but I've been able to get one on like every chapter, it's just that I can't be bothered with it.. I better stop that.
My grades this year. compared to last year, is gonna be literallt shit. And I know I'm gonna hate myself cuz of it and it's most probably gonna make me feel horribly bad. I should've seen this a bit earlier. Crapcrapcrapcrap.

Oh well. I've got my last computer lesson before the text after the holiday so I better keep working.
CrapcrapCRAP.

The weather when I left the house was kind of bad. But as I got closer and closer to Falkenberg it kept getting warmer. And now I'm here, at the flat, with about every available window open, listening to the sound of birds outside. Oh how love spring! It makes me happy face.

As I guess you've noticed I've been thinking alot about money lately, and I think I've dicide that as soon as (if/hopefully) I'll start earning from money from designing clothes and selling them I'll start saving up those money to use when I move away from home instead of now. I'll only spend the money neccesary, such as for making the first set of a new garment or similar, and just a little for other "unneccesary" thingys. That way I should be able to move away from home even if I don't earn as much money as needed every month, cuz I'll have enough money to pay rents and such for a couple of months, myez?
And also, out of boredome, I counted that if you live at a flat which costs 5000 swedish kronor/month (£420) you wouldn't need to earn very much more then £5/hour, 6 hours/day, 5 days/week to survive. That would be with like no expensive food, no luxury what so ever and such but.. Still. As long as you have a job, any job really, it's not too hard to survive. Idunno if things are as cheap wherever you are but at least here they are.
Idunno what's up with my sudden obsession for money and finincial plans for the future but.. Meh I guess it's a good thing? Even though it annoys me quite alot.

But oooh well. I feel like going out in the sun but I don't have anything to do really and Victor's coming in about half an hour. (Happy face <3)
I think I'll just sketch a little. I've got ideas for like two complete collections! And I really love most of them. Oh and I realized today that I've got enough money already to make 2, maybe even 3 garment. I'll go to the fabric store tomorrow or on tuesday and buy the fabric for a dress, and look at what else they have while I'm there to see if I can buy any more there or if I'll have to order some from this great swedish site.

Loves you all  xx

I had the weirdest dream last night..
I can't remember exactly all of it, but it was all about like these two leagues.. I think there was 4 of us in each league. And well I was in one of them, together with two guys and another girl. And.. well that's not where it started, but anyways. There was loads of weird thingys before that and I remember one of the guys in my league (at least I think he was in it..) was my boyfriend but I cought him being with this girl like several times and got all jealous but he kept telling me not to be. But however we did this attack against the other league of some kind.. I remember we were in a house, or well more like a tower.. And at the top of it was this bag we had to get. And we were like sneaking but then the peope there noticed us and someone told me to back out, but I was really close to the bag so I kept going and I got it anyways. And then we escaped and blabla, we got what we came for (i have no idea what that was though). I was walking in the night at some random street with the rest of my league, when we randomly passes some place where that other league was and for some random reason I went in there and kissed one of them. And after that the other girl was all like "omg you can't do that!" and everybody seemed to hate me. Further down the street I found this guy I think was my boyfriend in a bed with that girl, which pissed me off so I beat them both but they didn't seem to cae. The guy was like "calm down honeyy..." and seemed all stoned.
And well.. yer.. that was just weird, wasn't it? Meh, idunno. It's hard to explain weird dreams in a way people can understand lol.

Anywayyyys.. I talked to Victor last night and he said his room is gonna be done for him to move into today! So, hopefully  can stay the night at his (we always said I have to be there the first night he spend in his new room). I'm leaving to the flat at 4:30 as usual and then i've got 4 days of school, then I'll spend thursday-monday at Victor's. Blabla.
Oh and I just managed to get my etsy account up and working! Yay. Hopefully I'll have some stuff to put there soon as well. I'm gonna make the "original" set of some garment I've designed as soon as I've got the money to buy the fabric.
But now I'm gonna entertain myself with designing my etsy page.

So, here's what I've made today!

Some things didn't turn out quite as good as I expected.. Or well, actually, nothing turned out the way I expected them to. I still feel kinda pleased with all of them though. And I know that a kinda big part of the reason why they didn't turn out as I wanted them to is just simply cuz some weird way I've lost all mt brushes. So the ones I have are really bad for making tiny details. Sigh.
So, anyways. Some buttons, a pendant with what was sopposed to look like a zombie hand, a penguin pendant (<3), a pendant which says "Thel 'Vadam is my homeboy" (my favourite character from the Halo games) and a pendant with random hanging hearts.

And now I'm reeeeally tired so I'm off to bed. Night niiight    xx

I managed to burn the clay thingys.. But they seem to have survived anyways. Just.. a bit more black, lol. I'm in front of the TV right now, watching some random film (or well I'm not watching really) aaaand well I'm gonna paint the thingys later. I'll post photos as soon as they're done

Anyways.. I'm bored.. and this film isn't very good. Could be cuz I'm not really watching, not really following it, so I've got no idea what's going on... but anyways.
I'm creating a new account at deviantART at the moment, where I'll keep photos of my artisan craft. Both to get comments on my works and also to advertise it.
Am i getting too deep into this? I mean I just came up with the idea that I wanna start sewing properly like a week ago, and with the clay thingys and stuff just yesterday...
Oh well, the worst thing that could happen is just simply.. Nothing.

I can't be bothered with the film anymore. I'm off to paint some buttons and pendants nowwww.

I just made 10 more buttons of another kind and also a penguin pendant. I think I'll fix them in the oven like after dinner or something. I feel really happy about this random creativity. I love it when I get random ideas and then just sit down and do that for several hours. I'm thinking about buying those thingys you have to make earrings, and to make pendants for mobile phones. Cuz seriously, I'm pretty good at this. Sure, i've only made a penguin and buttons this far, but I've been doing this kind of stuff before and back when i did I had several friends asking me to make something for them. So maybe I could, seriously, sell them. or make them as giftst. I was thinking about trying to make a mini Master Chief as well, but it was too hard so I gave up. Might try it again later.
Meh, idunno. I'm just rambling. But it would be great if I could earn some extra money from things I just make out of boredome. I just quite simply run out of ideas.. Or well, I make the kind of pendants and buttons I would use myself. Like the penguin - my favourite animal. or the buttons. Half of them are to use for the skirt, the rest of them are gnna be white and purple - also very me. So.. in that case.. What should I make, thinking of what others would want? Oh well idunno. I'll just keep making whatever appears in my head.

Anyways.. I'm hungry, and the whole house smells like food. And I miss Victor, so damn much. Although, today have passed by so damn quickly! I can't remember what time I was up, but before I knew it time had passes 2, and now it's nearly 6. Like wtf? Where did this day go?

You think the only people who are people,
are the people who look and think like you.

I just got this random sentimentality/slightly depressed attack thingy. So I'm going down for a while. I always go down, to be among people, when I feel like this. To avoid it getting worse. I wonder why I randomly started feeling like this?

I just spent about.. Idunno.. 1½-2 hours I think, translating a website for my mom. I spent the first hour or so outside, but then I had to go back insde cuz I needed internet to translate a couple of words.. And now I'm sitting here, all done translating the neverending text. And I feel kinda fed up with looking at this screen now, and I haven't got anything to do either anyways really. So i think I'm going back outside in a minute. The weather is great. i was sitting in the shadow for a while and then I needed to put on my(victor's) hoodie, but while in the sun I'm just wearing a really thin, knee-long dress without sleeves or anything and I still get pretty warm. Summer! Happiness (omg I didn't think I'd ever say that)

So.. planned for today however.. To spend as much time outside as possible, not just staring at a screen all day. Maybe getting some workout.. Cutting and dying my hair if I feel like it, that's probably not gonna happen though. Then later today we'll be grilling! om nom. or well no not really. I'm not a big fan of meat, at least not like chops and pork and such, I prefer chicken. But still, grilling just gives me this good feeling.
And theeeeen.. I'll be making some more buttons, keep sketching a little and I'll spend the evening/night watching TV with my family. Recently I started doing that every night at weekends. Instead of just sitting all alone at my room, doing nothing.
Omg, I'm social with my family, I'm all über creative, I work for my parents and I spend time outside. What's wrong with me? lol. Apart from the creative part I usually don't do those thingys. But I must say I really love this chance. Makes me.. less depressed.

Oh well, anyways, I'm going out for a while now. Hope you've got as lovely weather wherever you are as I have here.

Nearly an hour ago now I got this random need. I came up with the idea to start making buttons out of clay. So, I did! And a while ago I finnished these 8 buttons which I'll usew for a skirt I'll make.. next month, I think. As soon as I can afford the fabric. I just have to make 2 more ones. I love them, and making buttons, or just making things out of clay, works as quite some therapy! I always want to do something with my hand, so this is kind of.. great. I'm gonna end up with about 200 spare buttons before I'm out of clay, but who cares? Maybe I could make like different designs and sell them on etsy, lol? Idunno, maybe it's worh a try.
However. it's past 2AM and i've been tired since about 11 so it's time for me to go to bed.
And well.. expect to see photos of buttons coming up soon! lol. I have to fix them in the oven and paint them first though, and I think I'll wait with doing that till I've got at least 20 or 30 of them. Blabla.

Night night my loves, and well morning for those of you who are already sleeping!

I've noticed recently that my sister's always at home. So I asked my mom today; why is that? And she told me my sister got fed up with our dad never contacting her. (When she's going to his she's the one who texts him and blabla) And.. that just made me think a little. Random things about my "dad". I wonder if I'll ever actually talk to him again? And i wonder if he'll realize he has to do something now that none of his kids talk to him, that the last of them stopped seeing him cuz he never talked to her? In a way I hope he will. But at the same time I don't. I don't wanna risk things screwing up again and.. idunno if I've said too much about my dad before but.. this might sound horrible, but he doesn't mean anything to me. The only times I've seen him the last couple of years have been when my grandparents make some kind of trap where I have to see him (my granny does everything she can to make us talk again. I can't seeher once without her asking if I've got any plans on contacting him.)
But.. well.. Meh.
I've just recently got into this scared-of-the-future-thingy. I've started worrying about everyhting that's got to do with the future. I mean.. time goes by so damn quickly! My life will be over soon for fuck's sake. Nah but you know what i mean. And.. to be honest, I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I'm not even sure if I wanna move to england anymore! if I'm still with Victor in two years, that's gonna be a so fucking hard decision. Cuz if things still are the way they are today I wouldn't want to leave him at all. But at the same time I would't wanna give up my dreams.
I know, I plan too much. I shouldn't be thinking about this. But yet I do, I can't really help it.

Oh well, I'm gonna watch Fight Club now.

Yo folkz. Lol.
Today have been a great day. The weather's been all summery and I got hot just wearing a tanktop and a hoodie! I always say I don't really like the summer but am more of a fall-person, but I really do love the fact that it's warm outside, and above all.. It's nearly 8 and still light outside! Just a month ago it was pitch black at this time. My stepdad said once that I always say I like the fall/winter the most, but I'm always alot happier in the spring/summer. He's right. And even though I love fall (apart from my annual depressions) I think spring, and maybe summer when it's not too hot outside are my favourite seasons.

However, I just had one lesson today! I didn't have my first lesson, hence the late sleep, and then it appeared I didn't have my last (2,5 hours) lesson either! So english was all I had today. Since I had to wait till 20 past 4 till my bus left I joined Victor on his music lesson instead though. I helped him a tiny bit but mostly just sat in front of the piano, trying to tabbing a song from the Halo Wars soundtrack, spirit of fire. I think I posted it here once. And well I've got about a third of it down on paper now. I feel quite proud actually, I never really tried tabbing a song from just listening to it, if I wanna learn how to play something I always look the chords or notes up. But then I just randomly started trying to play it on the piano and did pretty well.
And then it was really good being back home. I know, i love being in town and with Victor but I still love coming home every once in a while. Not having to completely take care of myself anymore, seeing my mom and stepdad. Getting the chance to be alone in my room and blabla. I miss Victor like hell though, but I'll survive..

Coming up today is probaly just watching TV. We've got two rented films, dunno which though. And then, hopefully, I'll play some CoD. If Crow lets me borrow it. He kind of annoy me, he said last week that I could borrow it from this weekend cuz now he's got another game and won't play it as much. But then today he won't let me borrow it! For no goddamn reason. He won't even explain why, he just say "because I can. HAH!" and it really annoys me. Not that he doesn't want me to play his game, I mean sure thats OK. But the fact that he said I could play it but then he won't let me do it. I mean... I was looking forward to it
Blargh.

I've gotta go in 15 minutes.. But I just thought I'd write something before I leave.
I first woke up at 7 cuz of my borther's alarm, then at 8:15 cuz Victor texted me (<3) then at 9 cuz my alarm went off for some random reason, and then at 9:45 when I was sopposed to be up. And then I nearly fell asleep again, lol. But now I'm here, however, listening to the duet between Celine Dion and Barbare Streisand, "Tell him", I borrowed a CD with it from my singing teacher cuz I'm gonna sing that song as a duet with another girl in my class.
I really love the song, it's so damn strong.. Makes me very much thinkof my feelings before I dared telling Victor I like him.

So scared... So scared to show I care. Will he think me weak, if I tremble when I speak?

Yer.. Nothing really happened yet, I've been up for 20 minutes lol. I just went on the laptop to check my email and well.. have something to do while waiting to leave. I found an email from my stepdad ("boss" lol) saying "You're the best!" after translating this email for him like as soon as I could. That's nothing really, but.. The first things people have "said" to me today was the text from Victor saying he miss me, and then that email. So it still made me a bit happy face

But I have to go. Or well I gotta pack my stuff to leave in 5 minutes.

Have a nice day    xx

I came up with this idea earlier today.. To join this person with a walk-on job search site.. thingy. A site where you can find jobs as an Extra, with other words. Cuz this thought crossed my mind today. if I wanna end up working on stage, starting off by working as an extra would be a good idea. I mean.. Aiming to be able to get a lead role just like that is just a tiiiiny bit of dream thinking, isn't it? However, i remember this site my mom found like 3 years ago and I decided to look for it. I remembered the reason I didn't become a member that time a couple of yeads ago was cuz it cost and I couldn't afford it. So i looked that up now and realized that it cost about £10/month, and that's no money I've got spare really, and I doubt my parents have either. So.. That idea is probably pretty much screwed. But I reeeally wanna get this working. I mean joining that site would be a start,t hen spamming job applications and eventually getting a job, once I get a job it's easier to get another one ect. ect.
So.. How the heck am I sopposed to find an extra £10 every month?

Oh well. It seems like I'll have to find other ways to get money and wait to get proper jobs on stage till in a year or two. Damnit.

Anyways, I'm tired and freezing like hell atm. So night night now       xx

Well I obviously stayed the night at Victor's. And then I obviously didn't have time to write till now. (Yes, I've been with him constantly the last.. 36 hours.)
We went to the public bath yesterday and it was jusst great. We had alot of fun and I got some excersice as well. My memory sucks so I can't remember if I ever mentioned it but my plan is to start exercising by swimming, so I'm going there about once/week now. I'm going there again on monday. I didn't swim more then 3 laps in the exercise part thingy, but still. Yesterday I was there with Victor, not for exercise. *rambling*
So, yesterday was all epic. I had a great day with Victor, I spend the night at his, woke up next to him...

Gosh, I'm sorry. I just translated an email for my stepdad and then I wrote an email to Mag. So.. my writing is all deaded.

I might write more later. However I don't start school till 11 tomorrow so either I'll write tomorrow in the morning.. ooor you won't hear from me till I get home.
Wohew, weekend, loads of sleeping and playing Call of Duty! And even better.. After tomorrow I've got 4 days of school and then 10 days of holiday. Wohew, even more sleeping and playing Call of Duty, while being with Victor! Epiiic :3

Sorry about the poor update. I should've started off writing here instead but the email from my stepdad was urgent and I've missed Mag.

I just randomly scented Victor's smell there. Omg I miss him. He was all like "gosh just leave!" when I left just an hour ago and it hurt me a tiny bit, making me wonder what's wrong. But I got it straight yesterday that both i and Victor walk around worrying alot. A bit too much. Very much too much. But meh.

I've so ran out of ideas of titles for my posts.. Since I usually just quote the song I'm listening to, and I don't listen to music that much lately. Blargh.

So, new month.. equal that the every day stats of last month turn into a month-stats. And i got a pleasant surprise! My number of visitors in march was 300 more  then what my previous top-readers have been. Omg :') I know, I guess I shouldn't care really.. but still. I can't help the fact that I do really. 714 visitors.
Anywayyys... I just ahd my first singing lesson in 2 weeks and omg it was great! I've missed it so much. And it made my stomach hurrrrt. I could so obviously feel that I haven't been singing for a while. Not good.
After the lesson I went to Kicks (a make-up store) to buy an eye pencil for my mom, withdrew some money for swimming later and went back here. I haven't really done very much today, with other words. I nearly overslept this mornign as well.. Or nah not really, but I didn't go up isntantly when my alarm went off and was reeeally close to falling asleep again when I realized I had to go up.
And I noticed something quite interesting this morning as well. I woke up at 7:58. 2 minutes before the time I usually go up, 2 minutes before my brother's wake up alarm went off. That's kinda creepy. I more or less always wake up about 30 seconds-2 minutes before an alarm actually goes off. And this time I didn't even know Crow had his alarm on! Spooky. lol. (rambling)
Anyways. The weather is great outside. Hopefully there won't be any more snow, über cold rain or minus degrees in a couple of months now. Happy faaace.

Soooo.. Victor should be here in about 20-30 minutes. And I haven't got a shit to do while waiting. Not too happy face. I think I'll just go read a little or something.
Swedish, english and history class left and then I'm off swimming with Victor.
I might now write again today, cuz hopefully I'll stay the night at Victor's. But if I don't then I'll talk to you again tonight.

Hope all of you will have a great day    x