Lookiiie, I've got a TV and my xbox in my room now And an armchair in the middle of the room = my hug room is suddenly stuffed O_o I have to come up with another way to arrenge that..

We, my family, went to a tiny beach by a lake 10 minutes away from here about 30 minutes after breakfast. The water was freeezing (pretty much) and I just walked far enough to make my legs wet, then I returned to dry land and the hot sun. My mum, brother and both stepbrothers properly bathed though. Crazy people..
Being out in the sun for.. Idunno.. 1½ hours maybe? however made me exhausted. And i still am! Even after taking a shower and doing nothing for a couple of hours. Although, right now I'm even more exhausted since I just got back from a 30 minute walk. And goddamnit it's hot outside..

Great, I just did this random test thingy on facebook, "what's your ideal weight", where I just typed in my length and it told me my ideal weight... The answer was more then 10 kiloes less then I weigh. Yeeeeah, that's just brilliant, isn't it.. I feel fat right now.

Sorry about the poor (non existant) update yesterday, I just never really felt like writing..
Yesterday was a bit screwed up somehow. Or well.. it was just.. different. Patric picked me up at about.. Idunno.. 12? And that was all weird.. Or.. idunno.. Victor was all über "don't go.. please stay with me..." and he's not usually like that. I find it a bit sweet, but at the same time it made it harder for me to leave. However, Patric picked me up and we went to the flat where mum and Crow already were and blabla. I think we were home at about 2:30 or something and at that time I was all exhausted, no idea why but I was. So after being bored at the computer for like 30 minutes and sewing for like 15 minutes I went to have a nap and slept till 4 when we had dinner. And after the dinner I joined mum and Patric for a walk. We walked 6 kilometres this time, and were away for like 1½ hours. It felt really good. Although, my body didn't seem to feel anything after the walk, but now it does. But it's my back and the back of my neck that hurts, so I think that might just be cuz I've slept in a bad position or something? Meh, idunno.
However I was talking to Victor just before I went to sleep, and he rambled on about all the things he had done since I left and then commented that "omg.. It feels like we've been apart fo three days or something." And when i said that I realized it was true. Although I hadn't done much more then walked and watched TV all day I agreed with him. It was a bit fraeaky.

So, well, today... Haven't got anything planned really. I should take a shower, I'll probably go for a walk, some more sewing (although I don't feel that much like sewing at the moment.. Ohnoez :\).. Blabla. Since I don't start school before 10 tomorrow and Victor's not even at home I ain't going back to town till tomorrow morning. I think the bus leaves at 8:20 or something. Then I have that class from 10 to 11:30, and that's all I've got that entire day I believe.. Unless I have photography lesson? But I don't know why I would have that, since I've finnished everything and even found out my grade! But I'll ask someone tomorrow to be sure. And thennnn... 2 constant weeks with Victor! Yayyy.

just as a finnishing note; It's summer outside! And I'm all like.. yay! At the same time as I hate it, cuz I always feel bed when it's too hot outside. but yay!
Anyways, mum just called me down for breakfast. Gotta go.   xx

Right, so I'm "done" with the cleaning now. There's a few things left I should actually do, but let's just say.. When Crow starts yelling at me cuz I'm vacuuming at his part of the room, and when he wanted to watch Simpsons. I'm like OMGSHUTTHEF*CKUPINEEDTOFINNISHTHIS -.- Sorry, but I'm soooo annoyed. It's his fault I can't finnish everything, so I give up now.  Blaaargh. I'm so fucking tired.. I can't even be that bothered to write.

However, I looked through H&M's new "Fashion against aids" collection, and I'm a bit like.. whaaat? lol. I guess everyone's got different taste, but.. Wtf. I don't get what some people think.However, here's my favourites and... well.. least favourites, lol.

I love all of these (sadly enough about the Tokio Hotel one, since I hate the band) I especually like the Dita Von Teese one. Although I'm not sure all women has the right kind of body to wear that? I mean it looks fabolous on her, but it wouldn't on me.

An these two are just.. Yuck! I had to add the colored version of the Katy Perry one as wel to show it more properly. I'm like.. what? A smiley heart and intestants? err.. yum.. And the Pink one is just like wtf. i think that's sopposed to look like diamaonds or something, but it really doesn't look good...

Thaaat's just randomly my opinions lol. The rest of them look ok, nothing special really. Press here to find the Fashion Against Aids page thingy.

Now.. I'll die for a while.

I'm back home now, ordered the ID an everything so I should get it in like 3 weeks or something.
Mum and Patric was going to get some fries after we went to the bank so I joined them and had some as well, and omg I had way too many. I'm feeling a bit ill and all fat and stuff x( But oh well, now I won't need to make dinner tonight lol. I also told myself earlier that either I would buy some of that candy I mentioned, or the lipgloss I found. And I never got the candy, so I'm going back to the makeup store tomorrow to get the gloss and an eyeliner. I wanna get it so I can use it tomorrow.

I talked a bit to mum about this whole moving/cleaning up/Crow thingy, and i told her I'm a bit worried about Crow getting annoyed with me constantly telling what to do (cuz he's not doing anything!) but she told me she'll ring him tomorrow and be all mum-y and make sure he's done everything. And I, seriously, decided I'll be "meh" about it. I'll do all I can today, and then it's impossible for me to do anything more, so i won't be bothered, lol. (Sorry about the boring rambling about this)

Well, i shouldn't make the cleaning take any longer then it needs to, so.. I'm gonna finnish this shit now, even if it means I have to throw all Crow's stuff on the kitchen floor while hoovering the floor. Gwargh.

I really hate cleaning up the flat to move. It's like.. geez. Seriously, at least half of the shit I've entertained myself by throwing have been Crow's. And about 90% of what's left on the floor is his (it's not much compared to the amount at start, but it's still too much.) And I have to like point things out and tell him he needs to take care of that. I'm like.. ok, fine then, I'm being so much more proper about this and I don't want mum or the owners of the flat to complain about bad cleaning up so fine, I'll throw all of his shit. But I'm not gonna pack all his random stuff. And he haven't packed a single thing which isn't "his" either. (for instance; I've oacked a bunch of lightbulbs, aspirins and such). So I'm just like.. gah. But I try to convince myself that I'm like whatever, he knows that he have to do everything that isn't done today himself. Therefore; meh. But at the same time, as I said, I don't wanna get the blame if it's not tidy enough. Gwargh.. Oh well. I'm off to town to meet mum to get an ID (finally) in about 30 minutes, and I won't do any more cleaning before that. Then when i get back i have to make sure we finnish it, take a shower and pick out clothes for tomorrow.

I took some time to go to the makeup store after school, and I'm like.. geez.. To put things in three steps; I more or less need to buy makeup for about £14, not too much. I "need" to buy makeup for about £40, and I want to buy makeup for about.. Idunno.. £90 lol. I might buy the need things tomorrow though, lol. A new eyeliner and a lipgloss. I never really use lipgloss, but I randomly came up with the idea to buy one which I heard is really good and make your lips look bigger. And I wouldn't mind that, lol, my lips are tiny. I love the shape of them, but they're too tiny.

Omg I so feel like having some nature candy now. You know, like.. nuts, dried fruit in yoghurt and stuff like that. It's Crow's fault, he's eating chili nuts and gives me like 3 of them every now and then. Makes me want moooooar! Lol. But it's too expensive, and I haven't got very much money. or well I do have about £40, but I dunno for sure how much money I'll have the nearest 3 months so I should be careful. (says the girl who impulse-bought shoes two days ago)

Here's a couple of photos from my walk along the river earlier today

Summer's here = Wearing sandals

One of the 4(?) rivers across the river (in town that is, the river's reeeally long)

Flowers There were purples ones as well, but I couldn't get a good shot of them.. I'm starting to like taking photos of nature and plants, I never used to do that.

And to end with; a macro shot of one of those rings you attach boats to.
To be a one year old, extremely cheap camera I must say it can take pretty good macro/close-up shots.

Well that's all for now.

Hi guys xx
I just got back from Victor and a walk home. I decided to walk on the other side of the river today (wow, revolutioning lol) and I've got some photos, I just have to like edit them a tiny bit and blabla. I'll post them later.

To start with I just randomly have to comment the fact that I bought these gooourgeous shoes yesterday! It's like yay, I actually bought shoes instead of just drooling over them! I found them yesterday, and I bought them yesterday. And they were really cheap, like.. I think about £20.

I bought these, but in black. And they look very much better in real life, I promise

So, today was about as pointless as the last couple of days. I had singing class at 9:30, then 2 hours lunch/break, then Victor and I did our English oral exam (we got an A*, go us) which took like 30 minutes. Then we had yet another 2 hours break before history class at 2:45, which we spent at Victor's, him playing Halo: Combat Evolved. Then we simply went back to Victor's and he kept playing Halo lol.
Oh and I just wanted to phost this photo from.. err.. monday, I think? Victor and I were sewing scout mark thingys onto.. a thingy, lol And I was like omg, Victor's sewing!

Ir was really weird when I left Victor's earlier. He was leaving to go watch a theatre, and he was in bit of a hurry so he left like a minute or something before me. And there's this long, straight road which both of us took and well I could see him, walking there like 100 meters in front of me. All I could see was his back, walking away from me. And it somehow made me really emotional. Seeing him from a distance. Walking away from me, not towards me. It just.. mad eme miss him, so damn much.
I'm schizofrenic at that point. You all know I sometimes ramble about needing alone time, that I'm a bit worried about beigng with him constantly for 2 weeks and blabla. And well yeah, those aren't lies, but at the same time.. Gosh how I hate being away from him. before yesterday I spend three nights with Victor, then sleeping without him last night was so lonely it was insane.. I hated it, literally. I've got two more nights without him, one with him, two without him, then two weeks with him. I can't wait. And I especually can't wait till friday! We're going to see some magician person and having sushi (idunno if we'll do that before or after) as a (5 days too late) six months anniversary celebration. We're gonna dress up a bit and have a proper anniversary and stuff. It's gonna be great.

I have to do some more packing now. Although I can't do that much, cuz fucking Crow isn't doing a shit! I told him he have to clean up and pack all his stuff, and then I'll hoover and wash the floors and stuff.. But in order for me to do that, he have to do what I told him to do before like 9 o'clock tomorrow. He'll have to do everything that's left after that, since I'm going to Victor's. Blargh. However, I'm doing what I can. And I don't want a shitloads of stuff to do tomorrow, so I'll do some more now.

It's nearly 11 o'clock, Victor's on the xbox and I'm on my laptop, we haven't even started school yet. It's like.. Yay! We don't start till 2. Victor's only got one lesson, I've only got two. That's like.. a pretty ok scedule. And it'll be like that the coming 2 weeks as well, until school ends.

These last weeks of school are soooo pointless. I guess I've said that at least once before, but omg its brilliant. And there's only 13 days (including today) of school left before the summer holidays. It's like yayyy.

Righty, I haven't really got much to say, and I bet you can tell lol. I've spent these last days with Victor, last night was the third night in a row I spent with him. And well we pretty much haven't done anything, it's been... Chill. (I actually hate that word, but anyways lol)

I end at 4 today and then I'm going home to start packing a bit at the flat, I've gotta have everything packed and finnished so I'll be able to clean everything up on thursday since I'll be with Victor all friday, including the night. And then my parents are coming and we're moving out of the flat on saturday, going back home to the house where I'll be until monday. And then I've got 2 weeks constant time at Victor's! That's probably gonne feel pretty weird.. I mean I spend alot of time with him, but I think the top time we've been constantly together is like 10 days or something, and then we've been moving around (first at his, then at Linda's in Gothenburg, then at mine (that was just after new year)) and I'm not too sure how I'll handle the non-privacy? I'll love being with him all the time, but I'm used to getting this kind of doing nothing at all/whatever I want time as well. But meh, I can always go on my laptop while he's on the xbox (like now) and I'll try to take a walk alone every now and then as well, to get some excercise.
And thennn, when i get back home, I'm gonna have the TV we have at the flat right now in my room. So I think I'll play alot more xbox then I have been lately. 
What I'm a bit sad about though, is the fact that I'll have summer holidays = 10 weeks of no specific things to do, and probably no fabric. I might get enough money from my stepdad and the translation works to order some fabrics for like top two garment, but that won't last very long.  And I'm like.. I reeeally wanna use the time I have to try to get my label going, but meh.. My finances aren't allowing me. I never finnished the bolero thingy last weekend though, but I'll probably do that this weekend. Then I've got another of those tutus to make.
(Sorry I'm rambling)

Two random images from when Victor was playing Dead Rising yesterday. Look at all those zombiiies! (I know you can't see much but at least you can see the screen is full of something, and those are all zombies lol)

The end of the years at collage are apparently always reeeeally.. Pointless, somehow. I've got computer class with nothing do to. All I'm doing is waiting in line to get to know my grade. Then I'll just sit here, and do whatever I want. Kinda chill though, an hour in front of the computer, allowed to do whatever I want, at a lesson. Lol. Apart from that, today will be a bit slow (I think). Victor's at home, being ill (or whatever, tbh I don't believe he's feeling as bad as he says he is, but meh). After this I've got 50 minutes swedish class, then 1½ hours ensamble, then a 2 hours break so I'll go back to Victor's, then at 12:45 I've gotta be back for this.. thingy. Idunno what it is. Some kind of culture thingy, arranged by our dear Helen.

So, right, just found out about my graaade, and I got a B+. I should be upset with that, cuz I could've easily had an A, but I'm like.. meh. Not bothered. I know I didn't work as good as I could've, but come on, these lessons have been literally useless. So, for once, I'm not bothered getting a lower grade then I could've.

So.. Anyways.. Let's just say the boredome right now is at top. I'm taking these loads of random quizzes at facebook, trying to figure out something better to do. I wanna be ill, lying at home as well D:

Oh well, I've got nothing to say. And everyone left now, I feel lonely O_o I'll talk to you later, some other timmme..

Once again, I had a really strange dream. And as usual my mom woke me up when I least wanted it to end.
In the beginning I ca remember it was me and all these random people in a huge house when we got randomly attacked by zombies and stuff and had to get to an airport or something (I'm not quite sure, it was after all a dream, they're always weird lol). Throughout the time we fought our way to through these zombies however I got closer to this guy I can't remember the name of. Then everything randomly went back to normal, kinda. I remember I was in the street, outside that huge house, cars were driving as usual and blabla.. When a spaceship-car-thingy drove by and I was like "omg it's them!", knowing people who I fought the zombies with were in that ship. And it just kept driving back and forth down the street, and I was waving, trying to make them stop.. Then they drove down into this park and stopped there. I ran there and knocked on the quite small ship.
"What do you want?" a voice said.
"It's me.. Selene!" I said, and they let me in. I got inside and in there was a few of the people I knew and also some random aliens. I was somehow hoping for that *nameless* guy to be with them, but he wasn't.
"Where's *insert name here*" I asked.
"We don't know, probably in *insert name of some galaxy-area-thingy here*" was his answer.
I asked if they hadn't tried to find him and his answer was like "pfsh, yeah, like we would go throug every planet there to find him?"
It was apparently quite obvious how much I wanted to find him cuz all of a sudden we were above the planet this man mostly believed he was on, and then he dropped me off the ship to fall down to the planet. I could speak to them all the time somehow and they just like "stop worrying and you'll survive the fall".
I survived the fall, but I found myself at this dead planet. It was like red sant everywhere, and it was really dark. When I lit my flashlight I could see these two really creepy creatures sitting next to each others, just.. sittin there. I kept walking, terrified, and found more weird creatures. None of them were actually doing anything. Then I ran into something similar to a the Necromorphs in Dead Space (a videogame), freaked out and started to run. Then I calmed down and was like "I have to find him..." Then I could, in the distance, hear my mom coming up the stairs and was like NOOOOEZ! I wanna keep dreaming..

Right so I started writing this like nearly an hour ago, then I had breakfast, and now.. Omg my sister's a chaos lol. She's having her confirmation today and she's running around, screeaming, looking for a white bra, good shoes.. And omg now she's overdosed my perfume so all of the top floor is smelling of it. It's a good perfume though, luckily enough. And omg now she came pulling with a pair of my tights, stuck inside a pair of her tights (with other words; she's used them without asking me) asking if she can borrow them. ARGH -.- It's gona be good somehow, moving back home, getting a chance to watch over my cloths a bit better. Sigh. (Not that I've never taken clothes from her.. I've got two tops at the flat which are hers, but come on! And OMG, now she noticed her skirt's a bit transparent and she's like NOOOOOOOOO!!! Geez, she's not having a party after the confirmation, and as far as I know she won't even show without the robe in church.. So what's the big deal? D:
I'll never understand my sister. I'll never understand anyone who can spend more then like 20-30 minutes TOP deciding clothes, putting on makeup and fixing their hair before going out. I think my normal time for getting ready, even when going to a party or something, is like.. 10-15 minutes. Sometimes less then 5. Anyways. we're gonna be the like most oss family at that confirmation. We've got Karro, obsessed with her looks, looking really pretty (I won't deny that), me.. Looking kinda casual. or well.. Casual to be me. (although I'm wearing my jeans today, so I actually do look kinda casual). Victor, coming straight from his scouting camp, wearing dirty pants (lol), Patric who'll probably be wearing a suit.. And blabla. Maybe I should put on some makeup and make my hair look a tiny bit less like a complete mess?
Yeah, I should.
Might talk to you later, if not.. probably not till monday, since Victor's coming. Anyways, loves you all   xx

I'm so bad at sticking to what I say sometimes. I ended up texting Victor saying "I shouldn't be reminding you but.." blabla. He ringed me up and told me he hadn't actually forgot about it, he just hadn't told me yet. But he's coming tomorrow, however. And we decided not to go to my sister's confirmation but stay home instead. And I'm like idunno, I loooove the fact that I'll see him earlier, that I'll get to sleep next to him yet another night, that I'll wake up next to him the day we celebrate 6 months (and therefore also my longest relationship this far) but still, it's my weekend.. I haven't finnished my bolero and I'm not sure if I will either. (I might take some time ignoring Victor to finnish it though. It shouldn't take much more then an hour) And I won't be able to do nothing at all without worrying about him getting bored. But me, whatever, it's worth it. I can sacrifice one of my weekends to be with him, with pleasure <3

However, I'm tired. I think I'll watch an episode of Stylista and then go to bed.
I feel a bit bad for havinga 3km walk as my only excercise today.. But whatever. I'm not gonna be that much of a freak and start excercising at 11:30! Although, omg I won't be able to excercise properly in a week.. GWARGH. I'll just have to keep my barely-any-food-just-sallad food thingy. Or something. Idunnooooo...
Talk to you guys tomorrow   xxx

It so feels like it's sunday today.. it's so weird that it's only friday! I don't mind it thugh, not at all.
Somehow I've managed to have things to do pretty much all day today. I joined my mum to the shops before breakfast, then I spend about an hour/an hour and a half sewing, then I joined my mum and Patric to Linda and Kennert (friends of the family) where mum and I helped Linda a little with sme problems on a website. Then we got back home, I kept sewing (I'm like 70% done now yay, only the sleeves left), had dinner, and now I'm here. Sooo.. I haven't done any excercise today! I'm like omg. Not that bothered though, which feels kinda good. I mean, I should be excercising, but I don't wanna get too obsessed with it anyways. Although, I won't be able to do any other excercise then walking the next 3 weeks (apart from next saturday-sunday) cuz I'll spend all that time at Victor's. And I'm like yeah, sure, I could do some muscle excercise or maybe have a short run or something even if I'm at his, but.. The thing about me and excercising is that I hate it when other people see me doing it. That's why I more or less enjoy running in the woods, but not in town.
Talking about running in the woods I could just as well have a run in an hour or so, or maybe just a walk. I wouldn't mind that.

Anyways, Victor's still at that camp thingy and he might come here tomorrow. Idunno though? I told him to find out what time we'd have to pick him up in that case, cuz I have to ask mum since Karro's having her confirmation tomorrow and we won't have time to pick him up any time of the day. But he haven't said anything about it, and franky.. I won't remind him. This might sound really mean or whatever but it's like.. I don't like being away from him, but I like having some time at home, doing nothing or whatever I want. And Victor and I still haven't really got that far. Maybe when it's aout me being at his, then we pretty much have. I'm enough at home there so I could be there without him even being there, but he isn't here so we always do things literally together. And I love that, but weekends have turned into the time I spend sewing, spending hours in front of the computer doing nothing, talking to friends, watching TV and talking shit with Patric etc. etc. and I still want that. So, with other words; (Omg I feel so horrible saying this but..) I'm not that bothered if I don't see him till sunday, and I need him to show that he can keep track of things without me reminding him, so therefore I won't remind him.

I randomly thought that I should mention that today is a year since I started going out with John (omg) and tomorrow's mine and Victor's months anniversary. Then I realized it's not, our anniversary is on sunday and the thing with John is tomorrow. LMAO. That's how screwed up my view of time is right now. Then just imagine what it'll be like in the summer holidays? Lol.

Anywhow, I'll go back to the bolero now, I wanna try to finnish it today.         xxxxxx

The last couple of days I've woke up feeling like my blood glucose is high, but then it appears it isn't. I just tested it, 5,2, which is more like on the line to be low. I guess most of you don't know what it feels like to have high blood glucose (since people without diabetes can't even get it lol) but it more or less just makes you feel nauseous, ill, tired and like anti all kind of eating (mostly, that last part doesn't always work for me). And that's the feeling I've had the a couple of days the last week or two (can't really remember) and I really don't like it, cuz if usually makes me not want breakfust. And I've always been the kind of person who can't survive without breakfust! Gwah.

However, I woke up this morning at about 9:30 cuz my phone was buzzing, I opened it and it said I had 3 new text messages. I just thought that was all of Victor's messages tha never reached me, but when I read them I realized it wasn't, they were new messages, meaning; I can recieve texts again! Fawahahaha, happyness.
When I think about it, idunno if I ever mentioned my phone messing with me?I did in the twitter thingy (->) but not in any post, lol. However, my phone stopped recieving texts for a while, and like every 5 hours I got all the texts that had been send during that time, yup.

So, well.. It's morning, which means I don't really have anything to say. So I'll go down and get a banana or something no, that  nausea is turning into hunger. Or maybe it's just my blood glucose going low. I vote for the second one.

Am I sopposed to be happy, or should I be worried about myself overdoing this?
70% of my dinner was sallad cuz I didn't wanna eat the proper food.
The sallad was yumyumyum though C:

Here's the pants :) I never actually took any before picture, cuz I realized I don't wanna show myself wearing those pants on the internet lol. I can't understand why I bought tem in the first place, they looked reeeeally bad on me. And they still do, over the ass. (to be frankly honest, I retouched my ass on the back picture a tiny bit cuz it looks kinda bad. Not much though, only a little bit) But I dunno how to change that, and I'm pretty pleased with the way they look now anyways.
What I did was really simple; I changed them into skinnys. They were wide at the bottom before, now they're not. I also shortened them off a tiny bit and then wrote all these sentences all over it (I might add some more later on, but I can't be bothered with it right now) The sentences are actually answers I got when I asked people what they envy, only translated to english and also they're not quoted.

However I feel pretty pleased with them, and I hope I'm not the only one who thinks they look ok lol.
And well btw the title of this post and the one before this one are quotes off the pants.
And just to point that out I got twitter and added it theeere somewhere --->
I kinda just got it so I'll be able to update what I do on here withot actually writing a post. So if I haven't written anything here, check that box for updates as well :)
I'm gonna go watch some TV now, I've got nothing to do here :(

I ended up changing my mind completely about the jeans. I got a bit unsure about the design I had decided in the beginning and decided to add in another idea of a dress into these jeans. No, it's not as weird as it sounds, adding an idea of a dress into a pair of jeans, they doesn't look like a dress at all lol. I probably won't be done till sometime tonight, but I'll let you see the finnished result then. This is all I can show at the moment;

I feel like working out, but idunno if I can.. It's too hot outside to go running, and my entire floor is occupied by the jeans lol, and i can't really move them. I might go on the crosstrainer for a 10 minutes or so.. That's pretty much like running, only alot more boring, Maybe I can put on a film or something and watch while working?
Oh and btw I realized that thing with the M&Ms containing more then 50% of the calories you should eat every day was completely wrong, I was looking at the kj (kilojoule?), not calories lol. But anywayyyyys.

OMG, I woke up at about 9:15 today and I got up instantly.. Or well, I woke up once earlier as well (I'd guess around 8:30 maybe..) but then I just went back to sleep but whatevaaah. I'm still tired though. not as in the way I expect myself to be able to go back to sleep but in the way I feel all slow and a bit like in a koma but yet awake lol. Did anyone actually understand any of that?
However, so.. me, mum and Patric are still the only ones home and it will be like that till tomorrow. Mum's going somewhere for a couple of hours today so then it'll be Patric and me only.. I I'll try to finnish the jeans today, I'm going out for a run (but probably later, cuz right now it's too hot outside) aaaand.. well.. then I'll probably spend alot of time in front of my beloved laptop, the TV, and texting with Victor.
I still can't believe it's Thursday! Feels so much like it's saturday.

Hummm.. I dunno what to do right now actually. I thought I won't start with the jeans till after breafust which will probably be in about like.. half an hour/an hour or something. Cuz once I start working I wanna finnish it, I don't want breakfast to interrupt me working.

I just checked my school email (equal the one we get through school, where we get all information that's got to do with school) and I'd got two emails from a woman named Helen about two writing camp thingys this summer. It actually seems interesting, but it costs more then I can afford and I have to apply for it before the 1st of july, and that's pretty soon.. So I'm not expecting to go. But it still seems interesting.
It's a bit amusing though, with Helen. Victor and I keeps running into her, like.. consantly! She came up to us a couple of months ago the first time and asked some questions about what we think about the culture and things you can do and such in Falkenberg. Then there's been this thing called Twilight Zone at school the last two weeks, where there's been a poet performing and you can borrow books and stuff, and on the first day of it Victor and I talked to her and she was like "hey, I've talked to you two before!" and then I think again the next day she was at Victor's theatre and he met her again and blabla. We just keep running into her and i think last tuesday she stopped us and told me she'd found these writing camps and thought about me when she read it, so she forwarded the emails to me and here I am rambling on about this. (lol)

I'm starting to give up on the fact that I actually got a summer job.. With three weeks left till the summer holiday starts I'm pretty sure I should've had a yes by now, if I got one. Although, I can't really be bothered to care. I've got about £42 for sure to survive with the next 4 months, but I'm not that bothered actually. I can survive without money... I hope. But I should get paid by my stepdad (I have no idea how much though) within a month or so, and then also he might have got me a translating job from a friend of the family as well, so hopefully I'll get some more.

However, unless i get like alot of money (enough to go to england or so) I'll spend more or less everything I have on fabrics, cuz i really wanna get this designing/sewing thing going before my patience runs out completely. I've got fabrics at home for 2, possibly 3 garment I'm about to make, and I should make like one or two of them this weekend (I do after all have 4 days), and also I'll re-arrange (lol) a pair of jeans. My only pair of jeans. Cuz I don't like them. I find jeans kinda dull, at least on me. They don't really suit me, so I wanna make something more interesting out of them. They'll still be pants, but alot more interesting then they are right now. I'll post you some before-after photos to let you see once I finnished them. I think I'll do them tomorrow.

I can really feel the fact that it's wednesday, not friday (even though it kinda feeels like it is). It's 11:15 and I've been tired for more then an hour. Seriously, what is it that makes you less tired as soon as you know you get more time to sleep the following night? At least I seem to be like that. It's odd.
Anyways, this will probably be my last update for today. Night night everyone xxx

I've been home for about 1½ hours now, had a 3km walk with my parents and the dogs, watched some TV, had dinner and now I'm here and in the livingroom/TV-room again. And I'm thinking I might take another 3km walk later.. I might even run like half of it? But first I have to get arset to get outside again lol. My legs are still a bit tired from the first walk, but I do feel like taking a walk/run on my own so I think I will.. Plus I'm feeling casually fat today, which makes me wanna excercise more.

I feel a bit proud of mysef. When I realized I had 20 minutes to spare before the bus arrived earlier I went to the shop and bought two of those mini (i think like 55grams or something?) bags of M&Ms, had one of them and was all full instantly. Then I had nothing to do so I looked at the content-thingy and realized one of those bags contained nearly half of the calories you should eat in a day, and I was like omg... Then my brother came, and I gave him the other bag lol.
I never actually realized candy's generally that unhealthy. I feel kinda stupid thinking so much about it, but yet.. I have to if I wanna loose some weight. And I have to stop eating candy. Like.. completely. I can loot off others, but I can't buy a bag myself cuz that's just too much. Blargh. Just thinking about this now makes me feel fat x( I hate that. Latelly I've been feelig fat like.. constantly. I wonder if this whole loosing weight thingy is getting a bit too big inside my head. Not the way that I excercise waaay too much and start dieting and stuff, but the way it makes me feel worse then I should. I sure hope not.. I don't wanna start hating myself and my body and stuff, even though that might make me more determent to get more fit. There's a risk I'll want to do it faster then I should, that's the thing. The last time I had an excercise-flip-thingy I lost 7 kilos in 2 weeks, and then i gained it all again in like 2-3 months or something. And that's not really how it's sopposed to work, is it?

And just as a random comment; remember I had all these orders of dreads and clothes? or well, potential orders. I thing there were 5 or 6 of them. Well, I ended up getting one of them. The rest of them happened to find someone else to do it, appeared not to have the money, find a suiting garment yesterday or something similar. And honestly, that always happens. I mean sure, i can't force them to buy things, but wtf.. Don't say you're gonna get it if you won't!
I know I've said this before but you know.. It's annoying me. It gives me expectations, makes me believe I'll actually have some money, but then it appears I won't. Blargggh.

Morning everyone xx
I've been awake for about 30 minutes now, Victor's pretty much still asleep. I woke him up and talked to him five minutes ago and the first thing he said was "owww those fucking lectures..." (I mentioned doing dull things at school today, that's equal three dull lectures where people talk about how they managed to start their wn companies. Kinda.) and I realized I didn't even know what the first lecture was (we got to choose the other two, but not the first one) and I looked it up and I was like "ummm... Wanna skip the first one?" and POOF! Victor's back to half sleeping Lol. I know we schouldn't be skipping it since it's school, but whatever. An hour and 15 minutes more in bed ain't too bad.
I'm gonna return to cuddling with my sleepy boyfriend now. Hope you all had a good night's sleep.

Lazy bones himself just a few minutes ago  (I ninja-photographed him, muahaha)

Doctor House for the win

I just spent like 20 minutes using this site to add my eaten/burned calories the last three days, and I'm burning more then eating Goodgoodgooooooood. And I'm hungry lol. And I want Vitor to come, naoooow...

Lol sorry about the random update.

Omg what's with the sudden loads of readers? O: Not that I mind though.

Howeverrr.. Sorry about not writing, but I did tell you i was spending last night at Victor's, right?
Yesterday and today have been soooo.. Schizofrenic. Yesterday was a-ma-zing! We were all lovey-dovey all night, constantly kissing and constantly wanting.. err.. yer.. It was weird, and I loved it. It was a bit like being newly in love or something..
Today though have been so.. schizofrenic. I manage to flip at Victor, twice. For good reasons, I guess, and it turned out good somehow cuz it made us say things we otherwise doesn't say. (No, I don't really wanna go through what the arguing was about. I don't wanna go through what happened again, I didn't really like it) Then things were great though, and I even had fun at P.E, I'm like wtf? Victor was great doing like loads of musclework in the gym, I did some but.. Not that much. I've been feeling really strange all day though. Every now and then I've been having horrible headaches, my eyes have been aching and at one point I was feeling reeeeally ill. It's been weird. But generally today was good. It was a bit harsh when I got to Victor's after school as well, since his dad was there all über drunk and he's getting seriously fed up with it and wasn't feeling good about it so I had to do what I could to comfort him (which wasn't really that much...) and stuff. But generally today was good as well. And Victor's coming again at about 10 (as usual) and hopefully he'll be allowed to spend the night here. We don't start school till 9 tomorrow and then we're having this weird inspiration thingy (idunno wtf it is, seems really dull) and stuff. And thennnn I end at 4 and then i go home for a loooong weekend. And Victor's off to a scouting camp

Just as random comments, I found out my grade in photography yesterday. I got an A! I'm like omgggg. I never though I'd get more then a B. And I found out my grade in P.E today, a B I'm proud about that, since I've never had more then a C in P.E before.
Oh and I loooove these last weeks of school before summer. The following 3 weeks I'll have school between 2 and 4 on tuesdays! I'm like YAYYYYY!
I'm rambling, ain't I? Well I hope you've all had a good day and ate alot of piiiie, cuz I did and it was yummie

Victor left about 30 minutes ago, it's so empty here without him.. But however I'm gonna go to bed now.
I looted his t-shirt earlier, before he had the time to put it back on himself, and gave him another t-shirt of his I've looted earlier. So I'm sitting here wearing his favourite t-shirt now, feeling all weird since I can sence his smell but not him..

But oh well, I've got a full day at school tomorrow (8 to 15:30) and then I'll spend the evening/night with Victor. So I better get some sleep now Although I'm not that tired since I had quite alot of sleep last night. But anyways. I've realized how bad it's been to me, being up till after 12 like every day. Now that I've stopped having issues sleeping I really need more then 5-6 hours of sleep every night. So.. Night night people xxx Hope you had a good weekend.

Btw, if anyone minds, sorry about the sudden image-attack. I just realized how me myself finds it alot more interesting to read blogs with pictures and photos in them, so I'm trying to add more pictures to my posts as well.And isnt that t-shirt just brilliant? (if you can't tell, it says "good, better, best", and you can see what's in the pictures)

Anyways..           NIIIIGHT     xoxoxoxo

Basically all I'm doing right now is waiting for Victor. I'm at the flat and have been here for about an hour and 15 minutes, and he should be here in about 40 minutes. I should start making dinner in about 30...
This last hour I've been going through like 10 of the more popular swedish fashion blogs out of extreme boredom and restlessness. I've been doing that, and playing Heroes vs. Villians. It's addictive lol. I blame Crow for making me addicted, he's the one who sent the invite...

Geez I'm so booooored. D: Someone please give me an idea of what to do lol?
Just to make this post a tiiiiny bit less pointless, let's post this approx. two months old photo of Victor. It's an actual photo, so the crappy quality is becaus it's a digital photo of a real photo I've taken. Lol. I kinda miss his long hair a tiny bit..

I'll leave you be now.

My mom woke me up at like 9:30 this morning, omg. My stepbrothers are doing this running thingy in Gothenburg so they had to leave at 10:30. But oh well, it's no big deal. Actually, lately I wake up at around 9-10 every morning. I'm like wtf.. I'm tired to deat before midningt and I wake up early. That's so not me. There's gotta be something wrong with me. Although, waking up an hour or two earlier then usual makes the day feel sooooo much longer. Which I guess is both good and bad.
I took a shower just half a hour ago so now I'm all clean and stuff. Then I've just been sitting her, glaring at the screen. I'm getting kinda fed up with that. I might do some excersing.. or take a walk maybe? Idunno. I'm in that "meh" state, I'm bored but can't be bothered with anything. I just kinda want time to pass so I'll go back to town and see Victor sooner. So well yer, my mind's all blank. All I'm doing is playing this random Heres vs. Villains game on Facebook lol. (Btw if anyone wanna add me there my name's Josefin Selene Crow)

And as a last note I just though I'd post a photo of this über cute, åuver fluffy Tutu I finnished yesterday. I managed to make it a tiny bit too small though, but nothing bad about that, just another garment to add to the "to-wear-once-loosing-weight" pile (lol)

Now I'm gonna go watch "What not to wear" with my mom

I ended up taking a walk with Patric, mom and the dogs. It was good. A 3 kilometre walk through to woods, uphill 70% of the way. It felt good but yet a bit exhausting. I'm starting to enjoy excercising. Like.. Walks, mostly. if they're at the right place. I hate waking in town, but I love walking that path by the river in town, the place I posted a couple of photos from. And I enjoyed that really short run i had yesterday as well. I guess that's good. Now I just have to stop enjoying unhealthy food as well, lol.

I believe I mentioned that I'm gonna sing on my parent's wedding and today I sand two of the three songs so that they will be able to chose which songs I'm gonna sing. (I guess that sounded kinda unlogical, but one of the songs was alredy decided). I would post the songs here but they're both in swedish so i guess there's no point really, since the thing about both of them is the lyrics. If you feel like looking them up, however, it's "För alltid" by Sara Löfgren and "Kärleken förde oss samman" by Ulf Lundell. It took like 10 minutes (or maybe more) before I actually managed to start singing and it felt kinda awkward but yer... I find it really difficult to sing to family or friends, especually without anyone playing in the background. So I ended up singing with the proper songs in the background and it worked ok. And after that both mom and Patric have praised me about how much my voice have improved since they last heard me (which is like a year ago) and that makes me really happy. I really love how much my voice have improved this last yer (or more like 9 months but whatever).

That's pretty much all that's happened really. All family's gonna watch some film (dunno which) in about 20 minutes and then the Eurovision Song Contest is on at 8 my time. So I guess eurovision + candy are the plans for tonight.

And just a random comment; Patric screamed at me earlier saying Victor misses me (equals my phone down in the livingroom had been buzzing several times), so i went down there, read the texts, and one of them said something like "I'm making bad jokes about table water XD", I read that out loud and said "I guess that's what happens when you can text for free..." and then went back upstairs while hearing Patric laughing. Lol :)

Oh and it's a year since I first got my xbox live today! I'm like omg. That means in a week it's a year since I started going out with John. Let's just simply say OMGWTFBBQFFSFTW (oh my god, what the fuck, barbeque, for fuck's sake, for the win(lmao)) time passes by so damn quickly.. I know I've been on about that like ten times already, but seriously.. It's freaking me out. And also, it's mine and Victor's 6 months anniversary next sunday :D

The last couple of weeks (I'd guess two, possibly three) I've kept having these dreams. Nearly every night I have a dream containing a girl who's sopposed to be me and Victor or some random guy who I'm pretty sure represents Victor (I rarely dream of people I actually know, just as I rarely dream that I'm actually me) and those two somehow loosing each others. I can't even remember how many times or in how many versions, but at least 10-12 times these previous weeks I've had a dream of this kind. It's not like they're nightmares, they're just.. somehow unpleasant dreams, yet a bit exciting. But mostly unpleasant.
The one I woke up from just 10 minutes ago is propably the most unpleasant one I've had this far. Yet it somehow appeared to be some kind of über american love/action film. But it really tuched me. When I realized I was awake I still had my eyes closed, but I just kept lying there pretending nothing had happened for a couple of minutes...

The whole dream was odd and just like every other time I barely rememeber anything. But I remember the ending. Everything had ee really strange but somehow I and this guy ended up being in separate places of this huge building, as the building was about to explode. I remember we were texting or whatever, writing to each others through our phones however. And just before the explotion I managed to type in "I love you", which I so desperately wanted to say, because I had never said it before. We had never told each other that we loved the other, and in this intense, kinda dramatic moment you could see, as in a film, how both of us were holding on to things we were carrying that remended us of the other as the explostion went off. And then you could see these flashback-clips, you know.. a bit like when Harry dies in "Armageddon" (lol). And it they were my flashbacks, clearing every issue that had been during the dream, and in the end in made me realize he loved me as well.
And there it ended.
Must sound weird but whatever.. it was.. intense. And I'm still not completely "out of it".

The thing is.. I'm not stupid. I can see the pattern, and I'm pretty sure I can see the reason as well. Victor as well seems to have had some dreams similar to this, dreams about us splitting apart for one reason or another. Simply; Both of us are scared to loose the other. We seem to walk around worrying and stuff.. And well yeah, I know. I can feel that I am, and I can see that Victor is. But still, these dreams just kinda freak me out.. The fact that they're connecting so well. I've always believed in that you can understand tings through dreams, i believe in new age and wicca and stuff like that. But even if I do, it's still a bit freaky to get it confirmed. Confirmed that my dreams mean something.. But it freaks me ouyt. Not the ockult-part, but the fact that I just got it confirmed how damn scared I am. Being scared of loosing someone isn't new for me, but being this scared is. And thinking of the fact that I really am that scared just makes me a tiny bit more worried. (-.-) I just hope that the fact that both Victor and I walk around being worried will be the end of this. But I know how to do that, so there should be no reason to be worried.

The thing is; When I'm worried I go all sensitive, I react to small things and well.. yeah, I'm sensitive. When Victor's worried he's worried about doing something wrong and screwing our relationship up. See the bad pattern? I'm sentsitive = I get annoyed and stuff easily, Victor's worried to do something wrong = feels bad as soon as I get annoyed. So, basically, all I have to do is learn not to get annoyed cuz of these tiny things and it should make things hell alot better. I'm not saying that's gonna be the easiest thing I've ever done, but damnit I'm still gonna do it.
Oh fuck I miss Victor.

So, I finnished the dreads, ate some pie, watched the Coen brothers' "Burn after reading" and now I'm back glaring at the computer screen again.

So.. Anyways.. Nothing really happened.. The film was good. Messy and odd but really good. And right now I'm just casually missing Victor, like hell.
However, I think I might entertain myself by making a skirt. Or by watching Stylista. Or both. Lmao.
Oh and my mom made me realize that I don't have next friday off, I have both friday and thursday. Even better

The trailer for "Burn after reading"

It doesn't feel like today is a friday.. Like I've been to "school". although I wasn't really at school. I was at a school though. or more properly; an ex school. Everybody studying theatre + the people who do a theatre course (including me) + another class went to this theatre place today, a theatre association located only 1½ kilometres away from my house in the middle of nowhere. So Victor and I went here yesterday, was up at 8 this morning and only had to walk for 10 minutes to get to "school". After getting there this day just passed by in the speed of lightening. We watched a play about the history of the Democratic Repubulic of the Congo (seriously, is the name that long? According to a translation site it is lol. Directl translated from Swedish it would simply be "Congo") and it was kinda odd (although all plays that association does are odd) but good. I've seen another of their plays and I liked that one better, but anywayyys.. So, we watched the play and some other random stuff, listened to Robert (the leader of the thingy) rambling about some stuff and.. stuff like that. Had dinner and then it was over. All exapt me went back to town by bus at about 1 o'clock.
After that I went home to find the house empty and since then I've rehearsed some on the songs I'll sing on my parents wedding, I've made some dreads, I've been out with the dogs and I went running for a little while as well (like omgwtfbbq, me, RUNNING?? Don't worry, I'm not insane, it was only like 1½ kilometres lol)
So.. well.. that's pretty much what my day's been like. And it's been good. I like these kinda free, different days. And i really enjoyed being alone for a couple of hours (more like 2).

Yesterday though was a bit worse, yesterday was.. Weird. Like hell. I went back to Halmstad to go to the hospital, and I actually got there this time (go me). But first there seemed to be something wrong with the payment machine thingy on one of the busses cuz it suddenly said I had no money what so ever on my buscard. It didn't beep or anything, but it said i had no money. So I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go back home cuz I had no money! But then it appeared, as I sad, it must've been the machine, cuz when I went back home I had the amount of money I was sopposed to and everything.
Although, I managed to forget my file with notes at the busstop and then i never got any ID. I though mom had told me to be outside the bank at 6:15, but it appeared it was 5:45. So i have to wait another two weeks I think. Damnit.
However, these two things made me really upset about myself. Mom didn't seem to be bothered with any of them though, which I thought she would be, but I was still really annoyed with myself and stuff. So yesterday was pretty much about hating myself. (And trust me, that doesn't make you feel too good)
But at least now it's weekend. I only need to work about another hour to finnish the dereads and then I'm done with those, I've got fabrics to pick up at the post office so I'm gonna be sewing some and it's just.. weekend! Rest! :D Then next week I'm free on friday, yay. And it's less then a month till school ends.. I'm like OMG!!!

Am i going hyper or something?
Gonna continue with the dreadmaking now.

Mornin' :) I woke up about 20 minutes ago, but my alarm won't go off till in another 40. I haven't got any singing lesson today so i don't need to be at school before 11. Or well, like.. 11:20 to more exakt. But meh. 9 hours is still enough sleep lol. (I just removed my ,; button cuz there was something stuck under it, removed that and put it back, and when I looked back at the screen there were commas all over the post lol.) Anywayyys.. Random comment. The last two days when I've been going home from Victor's I've been taking this.. Umm.. whatever the word for the opposite of a shortcut is, lol. Just to get some more excercise. I decided to go across the river and walk there and then go back across the river once I was nearly home. And I found this nice little arranged path-thingy along the river where I'm probably gonna keep walking. It's really nice compared to walking through town, it doesn't really matter that it's twice the distance to walk. I think I might leave a bit earlier today to have time to take that route instead of my ordinary one. I posted some photos below *points* The two top ones are from yesterday, the ones below are from the day before yesterday (monday) And well no, it wasn't that dark, I was just playing with the light while taking the photos :) Just click the pictures if you wanna see larger versions. 
I've gotta get changed now. Not that I'm in a hurry or anything.. I've got an hour to spare. But anyways.

Right, and I changed my signature :)
Have a nice day xxx
 

As I walked home from Victor's I saw this note randomly attached to walls and stuff around town. I read one of them and noticed it was just another of these notes with someone asking for a flat to rent or similar. But this one was by a single dad having a 5 year old daughter and currently living at his parents. And I was like.. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened. I mean nothing really bad must've happened to him, but yet I did. I mean I guess his relationship somehow screwed up, and.. yer.. stuff.. It just made me think like quite alot. And it also made me think of the fact that we meet so many people every day, either we talk to them or not, and we have no idea what those peoples lives have been like. And.. well.. meh, idunno.

I spent aout 3 hours after school with Victor yesterday, then I went home, he came over for about an hour at 10, then he left and I went to sleep. And it's probably gonna be about the same today. I stayed at his till 7 when he had to leave for theatre, now I'm home, gonna watch House and Hell's Kitchen, Victor's coming at about 9:30-10... Aaaaand tomorrow I haven't got school till 12! Happy face. Then I'll spend aaaaaaall afternoon with Victor, and probably the night as well. And I'm off to get an ID photo tomorrow, and then I'll get an ID on thursday. (Finally) Idunno if I said anything about that earlier but Victor and I are going back to my house (the real one, lol) on thursday as well, since we're going to this theatre association located about 2 kilometres from my house. Then Victor's going back home with the others on the afternoon :\ But at least that's a whole evening and day with him. (yeeeah, i really don't enjoy being away from him...)

I'm gonna go get some icecream and get fat now

That thing, last night, about John and Vicky.. I'm confused. I texted John in my fury and then we wnded up having this kinda long conversation through texts. The first thing he said was just that he doesn't talk to Sam about that kind of things, and neither does Vicky. Eventually I made him tell me both himself and Vicky blames him, not me. Good, I stopped being upset. Then John wanted me to tell him all about what Sam had said cuz he got reeeeeally pissed by the fact that Sam was saying these things for no reason at all. So I told John that Sam had just randomly started talking about John, he started the conversation with something like "I can't believe I'm talking shit about John with a friend lol" Those weren't the words he used, but that's what they meant. And then I told him he just randomly started going on about how John still haven't given up the idea of being with Vicky and that the two of them blames me. But well, as I said, John say that's not true. Although, I don't completely trust neither John or Sam so I dunno. And I've been in this kind of situation before, John saying one thing and another person saying another thing (like half a year ago, about Darling, remember?) but I'm just like.. Meh.. I realized I couldn't, or more like shouldn't  be bothered with this. And I do trust John more then I trust Sam. But meh.. I still find it damn pathetic that John's still after Vicky though. And now I do feel a bit sorry for her, lol. At the same time I don't, cuz hearing that what Sam said wasn't true gave me a bit more respect for John. I know that would disappear instantly if I talked to him, but anyways. (I can't really talk to John without kinda.. wanting to stop talking to him, lol.)

However, so... Sunday morning, 5 hours till I'm going back to the flat. Nothing special happening. I might do some excercise, do some on the dreads (I know I can't finnish them this weekend so I'm not hurrying, lol), maybe make a sewing pattern.. And oh, that reminds me! i had like a couple of ideas of clothes to make yesterday, i've gotta sketch those down. Better do that now, before the ideas fade away completely

Sam (a friend of John and Darling) randomly started talking to me on msn, going on about John and Vicky still fighting, and still blaming me about it. Honestly, I can't really tell if what Sam said is true or not, but if it is.. Omg, I'm so pissed. I so didn't need this right now. I can't be bothered to hear that people are still talking shit about me around John.
Vicky apparently blames me cuz John started going out with me in the first place (which somehow makes it my foult, not his...)
John apparently blames me cuz I'm the reason Vicky broke up with him once they were actually going out. (The reason she broke up was cuz John walked around bragging about having sex with me. And somehow that's my foult, not his...)
Fucking shit.. I feel like crying, or breaking somthing, or mostly to scream at John. I can't even believe he's still after Vicky? it's been like 8 months since she broke up with him and started (more or less) hating him. And he's still not giving up? If it wasn't cuz of the fact that Vicky's blaming me for something I haven't done I'd fel sorry for her. Now I don't. Instead I just find John kind of.. extremely pathetic.

Goddamnit Love, where are you when I need you?

Night night people.

All I can think about right now is Victor. I miss him so damn fucking über much...
Tomorrow. <3

Today have been just horribly bad. First I had to be up at like 9.30 to go to my stepdad's niece's confirmation and that was just really boring and stuff. Sure, I had cake, but meh. Anyways, I wasa bit stressed cuz I knew I had to finnish an order of synthetic dreads I've barely started on (I had finnished like 1/10 of it). However, when I got back home I went into my sisters room to get my steamer (I use it to make dreads) which she've had in there for like half a year for some random reason. The water boiled and everything, but then when I was gonna use it I realized it didn't work. There was no steam coming out of it.And omg I was pissed.. I texted Karro like a onth ago, before I took the order of these dreads, asking if the steamer was still working, and she said yes. And now it appears that was wrong. And I was like fuck, what am I gonna do now? I have to finnish the order till at least next week. However, i told my mom. And when I actually started talking about it, I realized how pissed I was. Not only about the steamer, but all the other stuff she keeps stealing from me. She keeps going into my room when I'm away, stealing things as if she's allowed to. I found the tweezers for my overlock machine in the laundry room! I mean wtf. However, mom just told me Karro doesn't have any money so she can't buy me a new one right now anyways, and then she started commenting on how pissed I was and how she could se it in my face and she'd never seen me like that before and blabla. And there I flipped. But well yer.. Idunno, I've been in a horrible mood today and yesterday.
My stepdad seems to have figured out what was wrong with it and is trying to fix it right now, so I don't think I need to be worried anyways. The order's gonna take a week more then planned to make, but I don't think that's a big problem.. Oh and btw, Victor wants me to make dreads for him as well. I think it's gonna look well cool. Oh and my "real" msn is working again, wohew!

Oh wtf, I can't be bothered to write right now. I'm sorry.. My mood's just awful. I dyed and cut my hair yesterday, and I kinda hate it. Victor's at a scout camp and he forgot the charger for his phone so I can't talk to him and various stuff like that
Blargh.

I'm at the flat and will be here for like half an hour now. I (once more) didn't plan to spend another night at Victor's but I ended up doing, so I had to go back here and get my laptop and stuff. And charge my phone, cuz it deaded. And change clothes as well. Uhm.. however.

These last two days have been great. It's like admiting something was wrong made it go away. I said I didn't feel the same kind of love from Victor anymore, but the day after I said that I started feeling it again.. Maybe becayse he realized it was true? Or whatever, idunno.. Could be anything. Things have changed, however. Not much, but it did. And that casual-ness, it's still there, but I'm not bothered with it. Yesterday we spent like 3-4 hours when Victor was playing xbox and I was on the internet using his phone, swiching between that and watching him play. And it didn't seem to bother any of us.

And.. sooo.. Me, Patric, Crow and my mom is going shopping this afternon. or well.. Mom and I both have to get hairdye (I'm gonna go redhead again ) and we also have to get a gift for my stepdad's niece.
Blabla, I've gotta change clothed now. I'll talk to you tonight     xxx

Victor while playing Halo 3 yesterday, lol

I've been staring at that blinking line on this (until now) empty "write post" page for like 5 minutes now. I've got so much to say, but no words for it and no happy feelings about writing it either. But thinking of what this is, what this blog is for, I better get arsed to do it.

I told you yesterday about what happened when Victor left for his theatre. Well he came back once it was over and stayed for an hour. As far as I remember nothing special happened then, but we ended up texting a little when he got back home at like 11:30. It all started with the fact that I told him about something I don't like. I think I sometime, like a couple of months ago, went on about how I dislike the fact that Victor's such good friend with his ex. Well, they're in the same theatre, and at the moment they're playing two characters who are going out. I didn't find out about that till yesterday, but those two acting together made me feel bad over two weeks ago, when I went with Victor to the theatre once. However, Victor have asked me like 3-4 times if I have anything against it, but I just said no. That was obviously a lie. It's not that I'm afraid he's still got feelings for her, but I've always hated the thought of them together even as friends. However. I ended up telling him that through a text. And then I can't really remember it all but I ended up saying alot about how I feel. How I can't feel the same kind of love from him anymore. Every time he say "I love you" it's like he just say it cuz he have to. In like 95% of the cases I can hear the words, but not feel them. And when we kiss, or hug, or cuddle or whatever I can't feel much anymore either. And it worries me. But I told him, feeling horribly bad about it but at least I did. His answer to that was that we've reached the casual level of our relationship. We're no longer that newly madly in love but just casually a couple, loving each others. And that just made me feel like "I don't want that.. I don't want this." I love him just as much as I did half a year ago, and if it wouldn't happen to be one sided I'd probably still feel that newly in love feeling every now and then. But now that's not the case, the case is the fact that it's one sided.
Anyways, in the end, when we stopped texting cuz Victor was falling asleep, he said that we just have to figure out how to make things less casual, less the same every day. More then just watching TV, playing xbox and kissing. Idunno. I'm confused. So horribly confused. I dunno what to feel or anything anymore. And I keep having this nagging feeling that things are gonna go bad, that things are gonna end. Soon. And that's the last thing I want.

Ironically enough, I've got this folder with notes next to me. I brought it from home, and I used to have that folder at school when I still lived in Gothenburg. On it it says, among other things; Z*2(H^1+H^2)+L*2+A+M=<3
Z*2=Zeth and Zuko. H^1+H^2=Two girls named Hannah. L=Lilith and Linda. A=Anna. M=maria. All of those exept Linda and Zuko are old friends of mine, friends I lost the last time I was afraid of loosing people.
The irony is not amusing.

30 minutes left till Victor shoudl be here and we'll have lunch. I want him to be here, nownowNOW. I never want to be without him. Fuck the casualness, all I need is him, no matter what way. Every time I can't see him, hear his voice, touch his skin, smell his scent.. That's a waste of my life.

Today turned out to be the the worst day I've had in a long time. The minute I got on the bus I just got all tired, and both me and Victor was asleep more or less all of the bustrip, which made at least me kind of slowminded and stuff. Then we reached Halmstad (the town we were going to), it was freezing, I didn't no where to go and blabla.. Then I found the right bus, but as we were on that bus I was getting worried. I knew the place we were getting off at, but the bus didn't pass there. And eventualy I realized we were leaving town and well.. Yeah. So we wended up being in some random village. But the same bus, only going the other way came like 30 seconds later (lucky us) and we went back into town. And guess what? On the way back to town, the bus passed the stop where we were sopposed to be off. And also, it appeared, if I knew where to look, I'd have known exactly where I was, all the time. I could've walked to the hospital from where I was! But because of me not knowing that town and the bus driver of the second bus being late and therefore not going past our stop, I never went to the hospital and I was feeling like shit for several hours. I was feeling like shit, literally. I was feeling useleff, even more literally. And.. Looking back at it I'm just feeling bad about the fact that I was being a jerk to Victor. The fact that I felt nonely when he didn't help me, while he was feeling lonely and didn't dare to say anything cuz he was afraid I'll get annoyed... I feel guilty. I feel useless because of that. And this tiny arguing we had just when he left to his theatre class earlier didn't make it alot better.
When Victor leaves from here he always seems to do everything sooo slow. All of a sudden he wants to kiss me, hug me, make a joke, whine about not wanting to leave, everything he should've done before he left. And that's one thing I kind of always get annoyed with. I hate that goodbye part and I just wanna get it over with. He knows I don't like what he does in those situations, but that doesn't change what he does. However, since he bought his new phone like 2 weeks ago he's started dong stuff with it for like a minute before he leaves as well. Turning on the music, ataching the headphones, etc. etc. And not only are those things he could do when he's outside and I'm not standing there, staring at him, but I only find music and headphones very unsocial. And that he turns on the music before saying bye to me makes me feel... Ditched, somehow. And I ended up telling him this for the first time today. And after everything else today he was all like "all you've done today is whined at me.." and.. Well just thinking of the fact that he said that, and defeneatly the fact that it's true, makes me wanna cry. Why the hell am I whining so damn much? The slightest thing that means he's with me but doesn't give me the attention makes me feel bad. I want him to be all about me, I need his attention to be all about me.. Because I'm constantly so damn scared to loose him. So, my fear to loose him makes our relationship worse. I've een through this before, but with friends..
Guess what the result was?
"I never wanna hear your voice again".
I'm scared to death and I don't know what to do.

Victor and I are sitting here, just doing nothing at a computer each at the moment. It's an hour and 5 minutes till our bus leaves and we've got nothing to do before that.
Sooo.. Yeeeah.. I very much felt like staying in bed this morning. I was up till 1 yesterday, finnished watching Sex and the City, so I was pretty tired. And also, it was raining outside. Not as in proper rain though, more like.. Just.. annoying riny raindrops which gets everywhere on your body and makes you cold and sticky. I prefer proper rain over that, cuz frankly, I hate that kind of rain which is going on right now. Blergh, I say. Blergh. Good thing I'll spend most of the day at either a bus or the hospital. The worst thing will probably be going back home from the bath later. I really hope it'll have stopped raining till then.
Blabla. I've got nothing to say. And I wanna sew.

Nom nom, icecream.
I've had a pretty good day. I've been tired all day, and nothing more special then a "concert" at school happened really. I was sopposed to go swimming today, but my body still hurts from the excercising I did this weekend so I decided to do it on wednesday instead. But now I changed my mind and I'll do it tomorrow. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow, meaning I miss half of the schoolday cuz it's over an hour by bus away from here. And the bus goes by the bath, so I'm going swimming once I get home from there instead. Victor's coming with me as well, thank god. Over an hour there, about 40 boring minutes at the hospital, then over an hour back. Boredom.
Yeeeeah, nothing really happened today.

And oh, btw, I was going on about people ordering stuff but then chenging their mind and stuff, right? Well I had an email from a girl yesterday saying she found cheaper dreads and won't buy from me anymore. Fine, her decision, but then she shouldn't have told me she was getting them from the beginning but she shouldn've told me she'll think about it or whatever. Then I sent a mail to another girl who said she'll get the money for dreads in like 2 weeks, just to make sure. Her answer was that she's getting them, but maybe not till in a while. And trust me, she wouldn't have told me that if I didn't ask. But oh well, I've got an order whichI actually had. I've ordered the hair for it and everything. And then an order for dreads which I should get an answer about in a week top, and another one about an underbust corset which said she'll pay in about 2 weeks. Let's just hope I'll get those two. I still need the money.
Gah. I hate money. Cuz I need money to start earing money. Complicated shit.

I texted with Victor for like 3 hours and then we talked on the phone for like an hour and a half. And now things are more or less good again, thank god. I thought things were gonna end there for a while, I though I was gonna end things, because I was so scared this would happen again. So scared that he will keep feeling bad about this, that our relationship will hurt him. Even if it would just be a night once/month. But hey guess what? I realized how wrong I was. Nothing's perfect. No catch is perfect. Pur relationship will never be prefect. But it sure is and will be what I want. So i changed my mind. I told him it was OK, we can leave this now, and then we talked about 30 minutes of nonsense and we're seeing each others later tonight. He might spend the night as well.
I'm gonna keep spending my day watching Sex and the City now. And to end this post with a quote from the same show;
when did fun start being scary?
Relationships are scary. They're damn fucking über scary. Bot oh gosh aren't they just amazing.

At exactly 7:54 I woke up and the first thing I could hear was the familliar sound of my phone buzzing next to my head. I assumed that's why I woke up, but later realized it wasen't. Two texts, both from Victor. The first one sent at 02:58:23, saying "I'm feeling like shit. It hurts inside of me. Even though I usually don't think about I haven't forgotten. The memories, the emotions are still inside of me, and they appear during my loneliest moments. I love you, Selene. But I will never forget. I'm sorry, but I will never forget," The other one, sent exactly 39 seconds later, saying I"It was stupid of me to send that message.. Forget it."
At first I couldn't seem to gather the feelings that made me feel. Pathetically, my first though was "oh fuck, now I'll never be able to go back to sleep.." but then I realized what he had actually written. For a second I started crying, then I felt like ringing him (not Victor), yelling at him for ruining everything and then.. Idunno.. My blood glycose was low as well, so i had to go downstrairs to get something to eat. Although i tried not to. I stayed in bed for about 5 minutes, hoping for that feeling to be gone, cuz I knew that if I left bed I'd be screwed, no chance on getting any more sleep this morning. So now here I am, up at 8 in the morning, my mum being the only one online on my msn list, fucked.
If I didn't know Victor as good as I do I'd be wondering if that text was some kind of break up message. Now.. I'm just confused, pissed off, wanting to cry for a couple of hours and...Terrified. Wtf have I done? I regret every single fucking second I spent even concidering Cheggs being my boyfriend, but that doesn't matter. The only way it matters, is the way it made me get over it. The way I haven't felt bad about it the last 1½-2 months or whatever time it's been. But apparently that's not how it worked for him, and I can't do anything about it. I'll have to live with the fact that I hurt him so fucking bad.. Geez. That first time I read the message I didn't think that much. The second time, being when i brought it up to translate it and put it here, it hurt all through me, and it still does.
Oh great, now some random person added me on msn. I'm just waiting for the camsex proposal. Motherfucking goddamnit fucking shit. This day could turn out whatever possible way. And to be honest, I don't feel like seeing Victor later. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. Cuz right now, as soon as I think of his name, or look at the photo of him I attached to my screen, it just hurts.

As soon as Victor rang me it all just released. I could feel how much I miss him and I was a bit.. relieved. Somehow. Talking was just great and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow.

And well no.. I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want it to seem like I'm all depressed, feeling bad about Victor for some reason. I'm great right now actully. I feel.. in love. Victor and I have nearly been going out for half a year btw, in 22 days we have. That means he's my longest relationship. And trust me when I say it's also the best.  Goddamnit everything's been up and down in our relationship, but it's the best..
I'm probably gonna watch Sex and the City for the upcoming 2 hours and then go to sleep. I hope you had a less pointless day then I had.

Today turned out to be just like any other saturday spent at home. More or less. I've been overdosing Sex and the City (I've got less then a season left ) and I made a pattern for an underbust corset. I think I'll order boning to make one out of some PVC and pink satin fabric I've got left at home to sell.

Apart from that.. Geez idunno. I'm a emotional disaster at the moment. I've been texting with Victor all evening and then he randomly asked if I wanted to talk, so I rang him. But he was all like "ooook wtf..." and said he'll ring me later. And sure, it's fine by me, he was watching a film and wanted to finnish watchin it. But.. I was just hurt for some reason. And now I don't feel like talking to him, and I don' know why that is either. I'm all über WTF. Something's wrong with me.. What's with the über worries? What's with all the random über emotions.
Gosh, I love him so infinitely incredably fucking much.

Last night I had this really strange.. Attack, thingy. Seriously, I have no idea what it was. I was crying constantly for like 20 minutes and all I could think about was Victor. So, it was obviously about him, but idunno wtf what about. I just missed him so incredably much it was hurting so bad. It was.. freaky. And it kind of scared me. I mean.. why those sudden strong feelings? Oh idunno...

I'm going through what fabrics to order at the moment. I'm (probably) gonna order together with my borther cuz he wanted to buy something as well, so I'm looking for a good fabric for him and trying to figure out how much fabric he'll need. Blabla.
Today is just all.. boring, slow, dull.. Everything which equals in boredome and restlessness. I'm glad I'm gonna have things to do the nearest weekends. Next weekend I'm going away a couple of hours on saturday, and then I'll probably have some synthetic dreads to make as well. I'll possibly have the fabrics by then as well, so I'll have thee garment to make. And then, if the other three synthetic dread orders I've got are actually serious I should have dreads to make for like the next month. I really hope they're serious, cuz if I get those money that would be just great. I've got quite a few things I need to/want to purchase, not to forget about needing money to start making clothes to sell. But the sad thing is that people quite often say they're interested, you deside everything, then they tell you "I'll get money next week, I'll transfer them then" and then never do. That've happened to me more often then that people actually finnish their orders. I don't get that really? Why say you've made up your mind when you haven't, instead of just saying "I'll think about it and get back to you." Blargh. But even apart from the orders, I don't think my finances are gonna be too bad the nearest time. Patric still haven't payedme for the translations I made for him (I have no idea how much I'll get for that, but at least it's something) and then when Patric remembers it he promised to fix my old laptop as good as he can and then I'll be able to sell it and get at least £100 or something. And then I might get a summer job, which should give me like at least £300. Wohew I should be getting a response if I got any job or not within the nearest weeks. At least I think so.. It's a month and a couple of days ago since the last day to apply for it, so I guess so. Blargh.
Jus thought I'd post a couple of pictures from this store I found at etsy.

I'm in love with like everything in that store. I think I might buy one of those ear-cuff-thingys. I'd soooo love to buy an arm-cuff as well (like a bracelet, only you put it at the top of your arm) but $45 is a bit out of my budget.. Blargh. I want too much,

I feel so proud of myself right now. I'm earning some money!
I used to make synthetic dreads, but haven't made any in like 9 months now. But now, just recently I've got 2 orders, and possibly one more coming up. None of them are big ones, and I don't earn much more then about £30 from each of them but I'm like whatever, it's still money! For £30 I can afford making one, possibly two new garment and that's just what I need. Money to afford the fabrics of my original garments, so I'll be able to sell them once I know the pattern works and I'm happy witht eh design.
On one of the orders I agreed on lowering the price in exchance of some stuff she had up for sale. So I get a new bad (I really need one!), one of those metal-case card/bill holders and some jeweleries in exchange for her paying £12 less. Seems fair enough to me. I prefer that over her thinking the price is too high = she cancels the order. Blabla.

However I got back home from Victor just about an our ago. I miss him so badly.. But it's kind of relieving to be back home. To just glare at the computer, doing nothing. I've got some things to do this weekend though.  My mom gave me the notes to 4 different songs, and my mom, my stepdad and I should decide which two of them I'm gonna sing on their wedding (it'll take place in about 2 months I think). So I've gotta sing those through and decide which feels best. Also, my mom wants me to sing them to her so she'll be able to tell what she think sounds the best as well. Aaaand well I'm not too fond of that part. I'd prefer to have some time to practice first. But meh, it'll work anyways. I'm pretty sure I know which two songs would suit my voice the best already, and I'm pretty sure to eliminate one of them already.

Anyways, yesterday was good. Loooads of time with Victor <3 Cuddling, a bit of the old in-out, in-out (lol yer, we watched Clockwork Orange yesterday, I couldn't resist) and quite alot of killing on various videogames. And I realized I forgot my headset at Victor's.. Damnit.
Talking about videogaming I just randomly have to comment the fact that earlier today, the connection randomly disappeared in the middle of a CoD game. And then it appeared it was Victor's stepdad who had pulled out the network cable, cuz he "thought we were in the bedroom and had just left the cable lying in the way as usual". And when he noticed he was wrong, he didn't give a fuck! He just put the cable where it should be while not connected and left. Seriously, I was kinda pissed. And Victor obviously wasn't too happy either, but for other reasons. Or well, all he said was that he was annoyed with the fact that he lost all the experience he had gained during that game. But I mean.. Wtf? First of all he didn't check if we were playing or not, and second he didn't give a fuck that we actually were playing. That's just.. Gah! O_o lol. Idunno. Just pisses me off.
Fuck, I miss Victor so much. And fuck I'm hungry. Good thing though, I've got dinner now. Nomnom.