I'm actually back from Victor's now, but I really don't feel like writing (although I must admit just opening this window kinda inspired me a bit) so you'll have to survive with like nothing for a bit longer. I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what's I should and shouldn't say, I don't know what's of interest for me and you to write/read or not.
But things are getting better. These days i spent with Victor was kinda amazing. I love him, and I just hope being away from each other will keep ruining stuff. So no need to worry about that, we're fine at the moment.

It's boiling hot here, all exept me, my mum and Karro are at a konfirmation. Mum and I are going into town to buy some random stuff later, blabla.

And I guess the ost important thing going on, which I haven't actually mentioned to anyone exepd Adam cuz I started rambling about it is that I've gotten alot more into the thought of moving to England again. Idunno if any of you actually realized it, but I pretty much gave that thought up for quite a while. For like half a year, I guess. I just stopped talking about it, didn't feel like it was neccesary really. But I've started to miss it again. I even looked things up! So now I know I'll have to migrate to England and live there for at least 5 years and then, if i still wanna be there, I can apply to become a citizen.
Oh nevermind the above, idunno. Two years left, we'll see..

And hey, anyone wanna come clean up my room? It's messy like hell, and I had to move everything around to make the network cable reach my xbox. I got fed up with the crappy wireless connection and my stepdad haven't fixed a hole through the wall yet.

Last night was intense, probably among the most instense ~2 hours of my life took place last night. For two different reasons.. I was texting with Victor all night, and I can't remember how and I'm not gonna check it by reading through the texts we sent but we got into this really serious discussion, through texts. (Note to self; not a good idea) And... Well tbh I think I've repressed most of yesterday and what happened. There's actually just one thing I can remember clearly; the fact that I was about to flip, several times. The fact that I think both Victor and I realized that the only thing at this moment which can actually break us apart is his worries. Or well no, I shouldn't say his because it could just as well be mine as well, but yesterday it was all about his and I've already done that mistake once and know not to do it again. I believe I've gone through this at least once before but I'll say it again; Those friends I've lost, the horrible times I've been mentioning several times.. That all happened because I was worrying, because I was afraid to loose them. What ruined everything was my desperate tries to gain their attention and struggle to keep them with me. And I didn't realize what I was doing, I didn't realize they cared from the start but then slowly got very fed up with me and my stupid actions. I didn't even realize they were trying to make me stop, I didn't hear them when they told me they were still there for me, still loved me. And so everything screwed up completely.

And I think that's pretty much what was happening yesterday. Victor kept asking me qustions, kept trying to get the confirmation that I love him and won't leave him. And I believe quoting parts from the conversation I had with Adam while doing this would be the best way for me to explain right now, because.. I've serously supressed most of it. You'll have to live with the random fonts and colors, I can't be bothered to re-type it all.

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: im like omg i think victor was just intending that maybe we should break up 

Adam: D= OMFG why? sweetie are you okay ?

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: idunno.. we've been texting for a while and we got to him asking me what he think is bad with our relationship and then he said "what do you think we have to do then?" and yer im ok.. i think..

Adam: nawww hugggggxxxx

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: right now im mostly just annoyed that he keeps asking me these loads of questions of what we should do and blabla but he's not saying anything himself.. and yay hugs xxxxx

Adam:  everything will be good :)

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: i told him to stop asking me questions and say something himself and his answer is he dunno he just wants to be in a relationship where he feels safe D: *a bit later* i told victor i wanted to go to bed and not talk about this more now but he just said "please, cant we do this now.." and im like about to flip or something, idunno im like wtf..

Adam: a bit stubborn isnt he

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?:  he asked me earlier if i want it to end between us, and i was like wtf no just get that into your tiny brain. and his answer was "good, me neither" and i flipped even more, asking wtf he's trying to achieve, and his answer was that he just wants to know things wont end tonight. im.. im.. idunno, wtf is he doing? ._. im seriously afraid that victor worrying about us breaking up is the only thing that could actually break us up right now. im like fuckfuckfuckfuck. I dont want this shit and the worst thing is ive screwed things up the same way he's doing right now, so i can just watch him doing it all.. sorry, im not feelign very well at the moment >_<

 Adam: nawwww just tell him that dnt want to break up and nothing is going to happen between you too

[ Selene Crow ] Do you see me as I see you?: i am.. im trying to make him understand but idunno wtf he's doing

And after that he seemed to have understood that I love him and I'm not leaving him and shit. And as I guess you could tell I flipped several times and blabla.. I was feeling horribly bad because several things were nagging me at the same time. And I'm like.. bah, idunno anymore. The whole thing with this convo with V was about the fact that we, especually him, feels really bad when we're apart, starts thinking of all the bad things and believes our relationship is pure crap. I do that sometimes as well, but it's not as bad. As you know, I enjoy my weekends and I need them, cuz it's the time when I get to be on my own, spend time with friends, play on the xbox.. be just me and not having to worry about someone else. I feel like such a horrible girlfriend for this. Getting annoyed with Victor when he was feeling bad yesterday, needing to e away from him... oh idunno. My head's fucked up, this'll do it for now...

I think I'm getting a cold or something.. I keep sneezing and shit. That's kinda typical huh? Getting ill when the holidays start. Although I seldom get seriously ill so I'm not that worried, but anyways.

So, yesterday was horrible. I think I was up till about 2:30, fell asleep about an hour later and I was feeling like shit from about 1 till I fell asleep (the reason I know that i because everyone left the xbox at 1 lol) And.. oh Idunno. I don't think I'll ever properly figure out wtf is going on, but whatever it is it's making me feel like hell. I start to think about every singe bad thing, every single potential bad thing, feels horribly bad and nearly starts to cry... I think I've lost the ability to cry? At least at those kind of moments. Maybe that's just because I don't properly know why I feel like that.. Or well, I know the reason for it. And it's obviously because I'm away from Victor, but not being with him isn't one of the main things I feel bad about.
Blargh.
Oh and I actually talked a little to Andy yesterday.. Very little, but still. For a few minutes there he was acting as usual to me. But at the beginning of that conversation..
He had joined my party on xbox live earlier and seemed sooooo damn depressed I was getting seriously worried. So when I signed in on msn having the PM "I'm sorry I'm quiet, life is well confusing at the moment" and earlier that day it was "Life is well good" so I asked him if anything's wrong and blabla. He said yes, something's wrong. So i asked if he wanted to talk about it, and his answer was "no I'm already talking to Zoe about it."
I nearly fell apart there. Or no, but it hurt a bit. Zoe's one of his new friends, and also a friend of his girlfriend. And I was like.. Idunno how to explain it? But I think you can understand at least a little what I'm trying to say. it hurt, and it made me realize how we're not even snearly as close as before.

Nevermind that. Xbox live is down today so I'm probably gonna die of boredome or something. Or I might do some Call of Duty: World at war campaign. Or watch TV? Or whatever. I'm not sure. I'm gonna do some excercising, but I'll do that as soon as I finnish writing this. I've decided to do that like no later then 2 hours after I wake up, so I won't risk that I end up not doing it.
I should do that now, cuz I so don't feel like it.

Xbox live's down, Victor's not here, Adam won't be on the next 5 hours. I'm gonna die (lol).

 This song is just.. amazing! I've been overdosing it these last couple of days. I'm so stuck in the quote "You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there."

You don't seem to be allowed to sleep too late in this house anymore, haha. All family used to be night people, waking up at like 11 in weekends/holidays. But when I woke up at about 12:15 today and went downstairs first my sister said "goodmorning. You do know it's past 12, right?" or something like that. Then 5 seconds later I met Patric who said "good day" and I was like *sigh*
I haven't had any breakfast and isn't planning to either and I'm thinking I might take 15 minutes or something on the crosstrainer.

Just a second ago I randomly get like some kind of deja vu feeling, a flashback of some kind to the dream I had last night. I didn't think of it at all when I woke up, cuz there was so much going on in it... But at one part of the dream I was with Victor, and I kept walking away from him, crying and stuff.. It was like the way we were together was the bad things we have only... Me getting annoyed and upset with all kind of random things, that is... Fuck I feel so bad about that now. Although I know that's not how we are. Those things happen once in a while, but not that often.. At least I don't think so? My god is everything about to screw up or what is this...

Fuck I'll just do some workout now, I need something else to think about. Being away from him is what makes me think like that.

Being away from Victor is seriously not good for me..
I enjoy the time alone, I do. I enjoy the fact that I get the chance to do what I usually do, mess around with friends on the xbox, be on the computer talking to people all day and night, do some sewing and some excercising every once in a while. I need that, and I like having that for a weekend every once in a while. But it also always turns out to be the times I feel the worst. I know how to handle it, and most weekends I spend a couple of hours every night down at the TV with the rest of the family and that way I won't feel bad, but the last couple of days (especually today) I haven't, I've barely been around people at all today. And that's starting to show now.
As it gets darker outside, I get more tired, my music goes more and more depressin and so does my mood. And to be honest, most of the times I'm not even sure why. It's like me + loneliness = thinking and feeling bad, even if things are generally pretty good. The worst things right now is the fact that I miss Victor like hell and the fact that this new "darling"-relationship with Adam is part making me big confused somehow, and also making me sentimental. Although it's also making me feel really happy, cuz  the friendship I had with Darling and seems to be evolving with Adam is the best kind I've ever had.

Bah. Idunno wtf's going on and i try to put as little effort into it as possible.
Today was ok, really really slow though.. I've spent at least 5 hours being all überly bored. Blablabla. I can't be bothered to talk anymore right now, and I'm hungry so I'm gonna go down and get something to eat..

xxxx

A very important note to self; Don't stay up till 4AM and then get waked up at 10. I've got a headache, I'm tired and I generally doesn't feel very good. But hey, I had a good time yesterday.
               - How much didn't I make it sound like I was up all night, partying or something there? haha. No. I wasn't..
In fact I was just on msn, talking to Adam all night. More or less. From about 11.30 to 4 when we left. I'm this way that in weekends/holidays, when I'm at the computer, I don't leave until I have nothing left to do. So, if I have someone to talk to I stay until they leave or we stop talking. And Adam didn't seem to plan leaving before me either, but eventually he was the one who decided to go. (lol, I win.) Annnnd well yeah, we just randomly had a fun time. We usually do when we talk, we pretty much always do,  but anyways.

So it's Karro's 15th birthday today so we've got the entire family here already (mum, Patric, Crow, Karro, Me, Patric's two sons) including her boyfriend, we've got Patric's dad coming over and we've got mu mum's dad coming over. So there's gonna be quite a lot of people here I was about to say, but then I realized 2 more then before doesn't make it that much more a lot then before. Geez, we've got a big family. If all family is here, in my opinion, we're 9. (The ones I counted above, Karro's boyfriend and Victor)
So, however they'll be here at about 1-1:30. And I think I'll play some Halo Wars till then or something.

Sorry about the poor updates btw. I get my sentimental moments and other moments where I'd usually write here, but I just haven't felt like it. I guess I've just got off track rarely writing for two weeks. I'll try to get back into it or something.
I'm off n00bing now.

I seem to have gotten alot closer to Adam aka Honey lately, and earlier today I realized that he's the "new Darling". Not meaning he's replaced Andy, but meaning that at the moment we seem to be as close as Darling and I used to be. Then, just.. an hour and a half ago or something, Adam asked me to go on the xbox and play halo with him, so I did, and I also ended up playing with and talking to Darling. And as all of us were tired since it's getting late and everything it ended up with me and Darling going hyper and stuff, and it just very much reminded me of what we used to be like. He used to be the closest friend I'd ever had. Then he randomly started talking about someone named Emma, and then and there I realized what's happened. Everything cleared up. I asked him "who's Emma?" and his first answer was "don't you know?" and then I reaized. The thing is, Andy's been acting.. different lately. And he seems to be starting to be with friends more and blabla. (He even said today that he's concidering selling his xbox cuz it's taking up too much of his life) And the simple answer was the fact that he's got a girlfriend. At first I just "meh:ed" at it. Then I realized I didn't feel what I thought I would. Then it all cleared up. And.. Yer.. He's changed a bit, and we've drifted apart like hell. But I guess that all happens easily when you don't actually see each other. I've got another friend, nickname Kuwde, who I'm really good friend with at some points and talk to alot but then we don't talk for like 6 months, and it's been like that for.. I'd guess 4 years now.

However, the main points of my rambling is 1: the fact that I didn't even know Andy had a girlfriend, and I didn't find out till it slipped out. I won't deny the fact that it hurts a tiny bit, that I didn't find out. and 2: is something completely different, but anyways. It was me, Andy and Adam playing. Andy and I were all hyper and rambling and stuff, Adam was more or less quiet and didn't seem quite as amused as me and Andy. And.. Bah, i don't even know where I'm going. I'm emotionally unstable at the moment and dunno wtf's going on with anything. However, I was worried something was wrong and Adam's connection was horrible so he kept getting lagged out and eventually he left and wrote to me on msn saying  this; im going to go now sweetie, sorry major tiredness, plus i dont really feel very well =( ly sweetie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx *hug*

It just made me feel uncomfortable somehow, and I'm afraid something's wrong and blabla. See what I was on about? Adam's the new Daring, equal I'm gonna worry about everything. Nah but... I know I haven't said much about it, since I haven't been writing much the last days, but we've been talking alot and just gotten very much closer and I just love it. He's a great guy. I dunno what more to say. It's past 2 in the morning, and it might be summer hoidays now but I should be asleep. And friends feeling bad + unexpected news + being away from Victor fucks up my emotions and my mind. My mood's so weird right now. Oh and 3: Note the fact that I'm saying Andy, not Darling. And I didn't even realize I did till I read it through...

Night/Morning people, I'll give you a more proper post tomorrow      xx

I had such a horrible dream last night. And. I don't even know if I should be writing about it? If should even be thinking about it? But I am, sometimes. Not as much as I expected to though. But well.. I dreamt that I met Zeth and Maria. Old friends, rememer? I met Zeth at fist and in this dream he didn't seem to be that bothered about seeing me. We talked and stuff, it as a bit tense but nothing too bad. Then Maria came and she was like "get out of her..", just wanted to leav and stuff and.. Idunno, it was fuzzy, it was a dream and I've forgotten most of it. But I remember she wanted them to leave and just dragged Zeth away. Zeth looking back at me with eyes saying "sorry..." I was screaming, telling them to stop. Crying. Being horribly frustrated, angry, sad, everything at once.. Then I graduately started to wake up, realizing I was actually crying.
I woke up, managed to stop the crying, tried to calm down, gather myself and.. Then the next thing I remember is dreaming again, this time it was some kind of Saw-dream, and I was in it. And then I was just waking up and falling asleep, waking up and falling asleep.. All morning, from like 8 to 12, constantly having different horrible dreams, constantly being on the edge of panicking.

I... idunno.. It's been nearly 2 years. How long does it take to actually forget? Do you ever actually forget?
To be honest, I'm a bit scared. Not because of the dream, not becauseof this, but just.. everything. Everything scares me. Nothing seems certain, nothing seems completely safe and wherever I go there seem to be an ulterior motive. I'm just.. insecure?
I honestly think I'm having PMS. I need chocolate.

Hello moto   xxx

Sorry about not writing for.. 5 days? Omg. But I haven't spent that much time on the computer, and Victor's internet hates me and won't always connect without a wire and I just can't be bothered.
To start with I had that instrument "test" thingy today. From my point of view it went great, or well my parts did. We started withg the duet I had with Agnes which worked good for me, less good for her. I think se was reeeeeeally nervous and stuff so it didn't go too well. Once we finnished the duet I had my song, worked pretty good there too (although it's kinda boring to see how people was all like *sigh* *snore* since I was singing an aria from an Opera and things are bad people and don't like that. Gah.) Then Agnes was sopposed to sing her own song after me but apparently she had left so she didn't.. But anyways, it was good. And it was fun. Starting with the duet also made me feel so much more relaxed so the opera one (Voi che sapete, from Mozart's The marriage of Figaro btw) probably went alot better then it would've if I'd have started with it.

The last couple of days, or well the last week, have passed by so fucking quickly it's unbelievable. I've only got 4 more days to "live" here and I'm all ohno.. I don't really wanna go home, even though yet I do. But you know what I'm like, I need the privacy and I enjoy being at home with my family, but yet I hate beign away from Victor.
This last week have been the most pointless one ever when it comes to schoolwork and stuff. I had the test today, that was it. Victor's at school having a maths test at the moment, that's all he's got today. We have no school at all tomorrow, on wednesday we only have these grade-talk-thingys where we find out what our grades are and.. yer. Last week was about the same. I really hate the last weeks before summer, they're sooooo pointless. But oh well.
I was at the graduaters'... graduation( lol?) last friday, singing with the choir in church, and.. well.. omg. I never wanna graduate lol. People were screaming like hell, constantly. Lots of people were drunk already and blabla.  I'm like wtf. Victor and I passed them when they were doing.. something.. the other day as well, it was about 5 o'clock in the afternoon and more or less everyone were drunk as well already. I'm like come on -.-
And apart from the non existant, pointess school this last week there's been alot of n00bing on Halo 3, playing with friends and stuff. And we made this new version of a maze map, it's well cool. We tried to try it out with some friends yesterday, but the wireless network to the xbox was messing with us so we couldn't.

So, we end school on friday and then I'm going back to the house. My sister's birthday is on sunday and then on.. saturday, I think, we've got loads of people coming over.
And well, omg, it's summer! And summer holidays! And I can't fucking believe I've already finnished a third of my time at collage.. Omg..

No, I think Victor better get his arse back here now. I miss him, and I want someone to kiss.

Sorry I haven't written in a while. But I'm living at Victor's now, remember?

I just got back from having singing lesson (surprise). We've got one of these instrument "tests" coming up next monday and I'm gonna sing these two songs, a duet with a girl named Agnes of the song "Tell him" by.. Barara Streisand and Celine Dion I think? And a song I can't remember the name of, from one of Mozart's operas. It's gonna be really fun. Especually the duet. Today was only the second time we practiced it together, but it went really well and we decided to make it all musical-ish, you know with like extreme over acting, extreme facial expressions adn extreme movements. Kinda. Lol. I love it, I love that idea. I don't think Agnes is too fond of it though? She seems to find it hard to express herself while singing. From what I've heard she usually just looks angry while singing. And in the end of the song we're sopposed to like take each other's hands and look into look each other in the eyes and stuff, and she nearly starts laughing every time. But meh, it still went well. I'm the one who'se sopposed to do most of the acting anyways lol. But however, it's gonna be great.

However I've got a long break, waiting for Victor's theatre lesson to end as usual. About 30 minutes left to wait. Blargh. I think I'll leave the computer when I finnish writing this and go read or something.
Well however these last two days haven't been that exciting. Monday I only had one lesson, yesterday I had two. Maths, where I found out I got a B in maths. I guess I should be a bit disappointed since I could've gotten an A if I would've been bothered to care, but I'm not. I'm ok with a B, that's what I've always had anyways. Then I had this term's last music theory lesson, where we were sitting outside, eating cookies and drumming.. Lol. That's how pointless yesterday was. Then the afternoon was a bit.. weird. Some things happened at Victor's and he was feeling really bad and stuff, but that's none of my business to talk about.
Then he had theatre, so I had to be alone at his place for like 2½ hours which I spend eating cheeseballs and watching Stylista. I finnished watching the show (I don't think there's more then once season anyways?) and made up my mind that it's a crappy show. And that's pretty much all.. Nothing special's happening today either. We've got swedish class, english class and history class coming up. Dunno what we're gonna do on those, probably gonna be pretty boring. Ends at 4, will probably go home and play Halo or something Victor's stepdad banned him from the TV yesterday for no reason at all so we never got to play any after school We didn't start till 2 so we played first Halo 2 campaign and then halo 3 online like all morning and it was really fun. I've missed playing on the xbox. So well, yay about having my xbox in my room now! I'm probably gonna play alot during the holiday. I'm gonna start looting all of Crow's and Victors' games C:

Wow, I didn't think I would have anything to say but I seem to have managed to ramble quite a long post here.
However, I'll talk to you whenever I have time to the next time xxxx
Loves you all

To wake up in the house, on a monday, then going to school feels soooo fucked up. My head isn't used to this and it feels totally wrong..  And also, these last two days have felt alot like summer holidays. With the hot weather and going to the lake. My first thought when my alarm went off 30 minutes ago was "wait.. wtf?" and then I realized what was happening. My whole body was hurting and I was hot like hell and stuff so I didn't feel too well, but I still forced myself to go downstairs and have something to eat. A couple of marshmallows and a sandwich, lol. And now I'm feeling a bit ill. Argh.

My bus leaves at 8:25 so Crow and I should be leaving at about 8, since we've got 2 kilometres to walk to get to the bus. There are some bad parts about living in the middle of nowehere .__. I've got one lesson from 10 to 11:30 (ensamble ) and then no moar today. Yay.

Anyways, I gotta get dressed and stuff.. Although I've got nearly half an hour left till 8. Buuut anyways.
xxx