So, I decided to finally write! How long is it since I said I would? a week or two? However I've got over an hour break at school so I thought why not go here and update things for you guys out there. Don't expect me to write and/or explain exactly everything though, it's been too long for that.
But well, to start with.. I broke up with Victor. About a month ago.
Why?
I realized our relationship wasn't good for me. After a long chat with my mum I realized that I was pretty much only in that relationship for his sake. He needed me, but I didn't need him at all. My friends usually made me happier then he did. Horrible, but true. The entire summer holiday was just kinda shit. We spent the first 2-3 weeks or so just fighting. All the time. We ended up having huge arguments through texts (!!!) at lest once/day and we both thought it would end any second. But it didn't. The fights calmed down but it still wasn't that good. It was okay, but far from what it once was.
During this talk with my mum she ended up saying alot of things she was thinking about my relationsip with Victor. And to be honest, she just confirmed things I'd been thinking. The fact that, as I said, I was in it for him. Because he needed me, because I like making people happy and dislike hurting them. She said that she didn't understand what way he complemented me, and she was right. Victor made me happy, every now and then, but he didn't complement me a good way. The way he is didn't make my life better.
That, together with the fact that I was starting to like Andy again (and he confirmed the fact that he still liked me) made me leave him. Or well.. I wasn't actually planning to leave him when I did. I wa gonna wait, wait and see how things would be when we went back to school. But during a fight he kinda provoked me into doing it. So I did. And I stayed with my decision.
- until we went back to school. It was so awkward seeing him again.. It was so awkward hugging, talking, hanging around each other without being together, without kissing or anything. And i could see it in his eyes how hard it was, how he longed for me, how he wanted me back. So I ended up kissing him already on the first day. I couldn't help it, I didn't want to stay away from him. After that I was quite annoyed with myself. But the next day I ended up kissing him again.. And we talked 4 a bit and I told him that fine, we can try to do this again. We'll start from the beginning, take it really slowly. Only be together at school, not overuse the phrase "I love you", no sleepovers, blabla. And that lasted for.. about a week, before I started to doubt again. I realized that the only reason I took him back was to be able to be close to him, but mainly because it was the easy way out. It solved all the complications with keeping apart but being friends.
So - I talked to him, explained it all and broke up with him again. This was two weeks and a day ago.
And things have been pretty awkward since. Good, but a bit awkward. He's mu best friend, so we're always together at school, and we're "snuggle buddies". With other words; we kinda cuddle and hug and stuff, quite alot, but nothing more. Or ok, we had sex.. twice.. But I'll try to avoid that happening again. So.. well.. I think it's still hard for him, he's missing me, he still loves me and he needs time. But for me it's just fine. I haven't actually been in love with him for a while, and I know that. I like him, I do, but I don't love him that way, not like I used to. And I made the right decision and it's gonna be just fine.
And well, apart from the whole Victor thing.. School's back, and it's great. I had to move back home since Crow didn't wanna stay at the flat anymore so I have really long days now. I wake up at 5 or 6 and I'm home at 5 or 6, every day. It's making me exhausted, but I'm not that bothered. I quite enjoy living at home again.
Oh and I said that I started to like Andy again.. Well.. Nothing's gonna happen with that. I realized it was an epicly stupid idea to bring that back up, so I don't really think about it anymore. I like him, I do, but nah. It's not worth the risk of screwing things up again. And he doesn't seem to want some kind of serious relationship either.
And I'm going to England, Darlington over christmas and new year 
To see this guy I've known for over a year, Daniel, and started talking to alot the last 2 months. And well I know 2 more guys who live there there, Steven and Joe. And then Ed and Johnny which I've talked to but doesn't really know that well. So it's gonna be great Mum hates the fact that I won't be home on christmas, and it do feel quite weird thinking about it, but it's either then or next summer. So.. well.. Yeah, that's basically what's been and what is going on.
Have you missed me? xx
